Daughter Snubbing Dad

Does she refuse to talk with him? Is it really snubbing / ignoring completely or just snuggling / attaching herself to the girlfriend? There's a difference. My daughter has always prefered my company (Grandma's company / Auntie's company, fill-in-the-blank with a female's company), and my husband and I have been happily married for 18 years. She does have times with Daddy, just not as many as with Mommy or other females.

My mother died when I was quite young and I remember when my dad brought home my now step-mother. I immediately snuggled with her and was quite affectionate with her. I love my Dad dearly, but he's just not snuggly! It's still awkward to hug him, maybe her dad is the same way?

You are absolutely correct when you say it's his abandonment coming back to haunt him. It's a situation he created and he needs to find a way to fix it, not you (unless it affects how she deals with you or she engages in dangerous behavior). Your kids feel what they feel about him and it's not for you to change that. You say he's 53 and he had to sit in his car? That's manipulation...he's trying to see if your daughter noticed he was gone and it's good that she didn't. When she does start to notice is when she starts to cater to his selfish/narcissistic behavior. If the situation comes up, explain to your daughter that daddy felt that he needed a time out...put his behavior on him where it belongs. Don't ever let her believe that she is responsible for his actions. Your clear job here is continue to be the observant, caring mother you are.

I would say teach her manners and basic respect and curtesy regardless of whether the recipient is deem worthy or not. As for this particular incident, the girlfriend would be a good judge of the situation since she seems to have your trust and hopefully also looking out for your daughter's welfare...

My six year has these "momments" and really had them when she was a toddler. We suspected it was because daddy was the stay at home parent.... but my mom told us to get ready for when "daddy ruled and mommy wasn't cool" as toddlers flip. Well she still tends to prefer me, but he has had his momments in the sun ;-)

And we get spurred for the new cool adult friend all the time (our friends joke that as much as they love our daughter, some time they would like to talk to US, but she tries to hogg the interesting adult to the point where it's nearly like a date for us.)

Our six year old has a VERY different dynamic and history with her daddy, but somedays she is just in a GIRLS mood. My husband has learned to shrug it off.
So was she rude to him? That isn't okay.
But she doesn't HAVE to snuggle with anyone she doesn't want to, imho.

He might want to read a book like "Playground Politics" by Staneley Greenspan. Tech guys like "authorities" to tell them what to do (but not their ex!). He might not like the perscription however - mostly to sit on the floor and let her lead the play for 30 minutes. (also not to over react to stuff).
It would give him an "action plan" and a source of error that isn't second guessing the right thing to say, but an action he needs to take.

(can he turn off the blackberry for 30m of Barbie? He might need to start with 5 minutes and work up to it!)

My husband and I are happily married and he is around all the time. But my daughter (7) still does stuff like that (the banishment thing...). She also usually takes my side and is very protective of me in any arguement or disagreement. I think this is somewhat normal behaviour for a little girl. If the girlfriend also ignored your ex and stayed snuggled up with your daughter I would say she has a good head on her shoulders and you should let her deal. Maybe give her a call and ask her to let you know if anything comes up that you should talk to your daughter about. That would be helpful because a lot of moms don't accept their kids can do anything wrong but you are open to it. And just make sure you inforce that she always be respectful towards her father and that is all you can do. Why parents don't know that time is the most important thing... but you can't make him do it. She already knows it at 6... And my experience shows that men can act like such children...

Dear J.,

Since you are not “allowed” to communicate with the current girlfriend and I doubt that your former husband related this story, somehow I can’t visualize your 16-year-old son snuggled up on the bed with his sister and the girlfriend, (that would be a whole other problem to address.); I’m guessing that you got the information from your 6 year old?

Your former husband may be well respected in his field, but most likely lacks self-esteem and rightfully so after leaving a pregnant wife and abandoning his family. You say he left the first girlfriend. Are you sure she didn’t dump him once she figured out what an immature, lowlife he can be?

I predict the current relationship will also end and he will move on to the next unsuspecting female. Your former husband sounds like a “piece of work” and you are well rid of him!

The reason he doesn’t want any contact between you and his current girlfriend is that he is “afraid” that the two of you will compare notes and he will be exposed.

Your job is to see that your children are well taken care of at all times. Any 53 year old man or woman who throws “temper tantrums” when they don’t get what they want from a 6 year old child, needs to be monitored and supervised just like a child and could probably use some family counseling and anger management.

He could do this willingly or you could probably have it court ordered if he wants continued visitation.

Don’t mean to be “preaching to the choir” since you’re in field of counseling, but I think this might do you some good as well. You still sound very hurt and angry (with every right), except it’s not good for your spirit to hold on to hurt and anger.

It’s time for you to take control and let your former husband know he’s not in charge. You have every right to communicate with the woman your children spend 15-20% of their time with.

Blessings……

This is tough because you are really stuck in the middle here. I'm sure it's even hard to care about his feelings! But you're a bigger person. As for your daughter - talk to her about her feelings for her dad. Stay unbiased and unemotional. I also feel that kids shouldn't have to engage physically w/ any parent, relative or friend unless they truly want to. The fact that she cuddled up w/ his girlfriend shows that she's not too angry or upset at the world. She maybe only 6 but she can sense that their is something "off" with her dad. Good instincts, but honestly if you keep yourself in check by not bad talking him, she should be fine and figure it out on her own. Your only concern is your daughter just keeping talking and listening to her. And a therapist may give you all the extra communication tools needed if necessary.
Good Luck and good job!

Hi J.,
I'm a marriage and family therapist, too, and I would say stay out of it-- it's good practice for you, as the children get older it will probably get harder-- plus, don't we all tell ourselves that 'life is the best teacher'? So your husband's learning that abondoning your children will have consequences down the road-- it's about time!
Good luck!
Z.
p.s. I specialize in teens, too-- just helping them and their families get from 13 to 18. Where is your practice located?