Daughter Starting to Hate "School"

The hair becomes her choice. Leave it in at school or it gets cut short. If she wants long hair she needs to leave it up at school. The more places she can have a sya in her life the more she'll accept where there is no say.

Other than that you need to see about watching her unobserved at school. If that's not possible a long chat with her teachers about her day is necessary. Have you had a talk with her about what is bothering her? I know she's only three but she may articulate things you are not hearing from her teachers, teasing or struggling in some area. Good luck.

The way I explained it to my daughters, school is their job right now. They may not always like it, it might not always be fun, and yes, you MUST follow the rules... but school is their job. Mom and Dad have to work every single day, Monday through Friday (well I work weekend too, but I digress), and their job is to go to school, 5 days a week, and work their butt's off to get good grades, study hard, and be positive examples for the other children.

My 8 year old gets it... my 6 year old is harder to convince.

Make sure you have a set of rules that always apply at home (ex: no running in the house, inside voices, clean up after yourself, etc), and then make sure she's aware of the school rules (the hair thing, uniform [if applicable], listening ears, inside voices, etc)... then maybe get on the same page as her teacher. That was the hardest adjustment for my kids, going from 'house rules' to 'school rules'. I'm pretty slack at home as long as everything they need to do gets done by the end of the day, and I don't have to nag them about it (by some miracle, they listen VERY well)... so I spoke with their teachers, told them how things are at home, and while I didn't ask them to change their rules, I did ask them to be sensitive to the fact that the girls were learning an entirely new set of rules, the school rules.

I also teach my kids to always find the positive in something negative. If they think school's boring, or too hard, I make them write a list of the happy things about school. The positives always outweigh the negatives.

It took years for my kids to get to this point, and yours will too :) Just remind her how proud you are of her when she's setting a good example for the other students and being her teachers best helper!!

Best wishes :)

School is very different than home/playdates/child care at the gym. At school, there are rules to be followed and tasks that "have to be done" and in a specific order. It sounds as though your daughter is having a hard time adjusting to the idea that she can't do what she wants and when she wants to do it.

It's not a matter of "fixing" your child. She's strong-willed, so you need to be strong-willed with her. Give her choices and have her deal with the consequences. If she doesn't want her long hair pulled back, then she must cut it. Let her pick. Remember that hair grows back.

They can't calm her down because she likely reacts quickly to requests/demands placed on her with little or no warning. This is not typical behaivor for a 4 year old, but it is typical of children who are not accustomed to being asked to do something adult-directed or who ar not used to hearing the words "no"- or any variation of it.

Ask the teacher if you can come into the classroom and observe for an hour or so. Watch and see how your daughter interacts with the other children. See what sets her off- my guess is that she doesn't want to be told what to do and that she's used to doing what she wants and on her own schedule.

It may be time to tighten up at home so that she starts to understand that there are rules in this world and there are schedules. If she doesn't learn to follow them or at least question them with respect, it's going to be a bumpy road.

School is a super-structured environment. Unlike at home, where if with structure there is a lot more give, at school sometimes (most of the time) you just don't have a choice. I think it's a combination of giving choices where you can, and then absolutely supporting the fact that it's not her choice when really it isn't. For example, do a few different styles of hair with her. Take a picture with her hair done each way and post it in the bathroom. Explain that these are the ways she can wear her hair to school. She can pick each morning, but after that she doesn't get a choice. This is the rule at school. Break the rules at school, face a consequence at home.

Find out as much information as you can about what is starting the fits. What is the thing that set her off. You are right, it isn't the teacher's job to fix the kids, but you do need to know specifically what to adress when talking to your daughter. For instance, if it's that she wasn't done playing and it was time to transition to something else. That's when you look at her and say, "It's no fun when you are having a really good time and you have to stop. I understand. But there are other things to do in the day, so you have to stop one thing so you can start another. Some of them will be really fun and you will like them a lot. Some others won't be your favorites, but you still need to do them. If your teacher tells you it's time to do something else, then that's what you do. She's the boss. She knows what needs to happen for you to learn all of the great things she wants to teach you. If you don't follow the rules and you throw a fit, you are being disrespectful to your teacher. If you disrespect your teacher during the day, you will be in trouble at home."

Knowing that if I got in trouble or broke a rule at school meant I was in trouble at home went a long way to making sure I stayed on the straight and narrow with my teacher.

Cut her hair short. One problem solved without any more drama.
There are two possibilities here, 1. your daughter is socially different, maybe Aspergers, sensory problems, does she only have trouble with the hair or does she have problems with fabrics, sounds, etc???
2. She uses screaming to get out of things in which case she needs a behavior chart where she gets a sticker for every day (half days) that she doesn't scream in school. Let her know you are very disappointed with her on the days she is screaming in school and very proud when she doesn't

Can you monitor the class without her seeing you? Or possibly listen in to see what's going on?
I'd tell her if she can't leave her hair up, you'll have to cut it off - then it'll be her choice.
Have you talked with the teacher about specifics? Is it the same activity every time that sets her off?

It does not sound like the school is a good fit for her. I would try to relocate her completely. The rule about the hair is annoying. Find out if its just because it gets in her face or because it looks nicer up? if you can put it in a low pony tail like at the back of her neck loose she might like it better. Even be able to put it up herself. But the school sounds a bit out of line with the silly rule about the hair which i can only assume there are other silly rules she just finds annoying ... as do i.

Full time school at 4???Are they teaching them nucelar fission because ANYTHING else you can teach them yourself and they are only going for soicalization purposes, which are important surely, but can be gleand in a two day a week program until they are older, or at least half days. ALL day, are you kidding me? How is that helpful, especially if they are given this insipid laundry lists of do's and dont's you have mentioned?? If this is a new teacher, one she didn't have before the 6 week break, and you really don't see this problem anywhere else- even when you are not present to enforce behavior- then the problem is the teacher or some other student (s) that are upsetting her, but she isn't able to articulate it very well because of her young age. It just doesn't make sense that she is fine and then suddenly it is a horror. I would ask for specifics on what happens and what is leading up to the "screaming fit". Including what the teacher considers a "screaming fit". As for the hair, did is grow so much over the six weeks that only now she has to pull it back, or is this a new behavior that she just started. I would let her pick out her hair band so she at least has some say and then remind her that when she is home, she can wear it however she wants to, but at shcool, it's a non-negotiable. And finally, absolutely I would observe the teacher and class in action. And I wouldn't announce when I was coming either. Just show up after class has started and explain that as a concerned parent, you want to see what's going on so you can help your daughter and the teacher. If you don't like what you see, then I'd pull her out. You are her only and best advocate and you do have a choice in things. Your daughter needs to know that without double and she needs to know that she is more important than hair. Make the best decisons for your daughter and listen to that still small voice in your head. It's usually right!

A rewards chart might help. Rewarding good behavior is more effective than punishing bad behavior. Have some small rewards to keep her focused but add large ones after a longer amount of time. The rewards don't have to cost money. It could be a trip to the park, library, etc. She can help decorate the chart and think of rewards.

Do not withdraw her. Rules will be the same in 9 months and she must learn to follow them eventually. I agree with Sharon E. If she will not leave it in her ponytail/braids she will have to get it cut. I would have the teacher call you the moment she is having a screaming fit so that you can hear her on the phone. Ask to speak to her on the phone. That straightens my stubborn child right up. I ask him if he is supposed to act like that and of course the answer is no. I reward for good behavior at school everyday. If they are well behaved they earn time on the video game on Saturday. They do not get to play any other time. Find the thing she likes, a certain show, watching a movie. Make her earn it with good school beahvior. It is a hard transition for some children. Hang in there, she will get it. cb

To me it sounds like something is definitely not right. I agree with others maybe it's not a good fit. is there another school she can transfer to? If not you've received a lot of great suggestions like make sure to observe the class. Also make sure that the teachers are willing to work with you and her on this transition. Maybe if you tell her that if she doesn't leave her hair alone you will have to cut it, it may make her think twice if she likes her longer hair. I wouldn't cut it without at least warning her. My mom did that to my sister and it was awful, lots of resentment!

Good luck, hopefully this is a phase that will pass!

I think you should spend a day for sure observing the class, maybe one day sitting next to your kid, one day hovering in the hall to see how the teacher handles things, especially how the teacher reacts when she gets upset. Then you can see first hand what is really going on.