Daughter's Friend Being Mean and Taking Friends Away.

If she steps back, the girl will pick another person in the group to pick on so it won't be long till that girl comes back trying to be friends. And so it goes. Really, she just needs to work on herself and get involved. Good things will come out of it.

Hi C. I'm a middle school counselor so this is where my advice is coming from. My girls aren't old enough to have been through this yet and I dread the day...

Anyway, your role as the mom will be to build resiliency in your daughter. Not freak out when she tells you the latest drama of the day. Not demand that she do this or that or stand up to the girl or get new friends. Engage her in conversation about the things that happen in school, ask her about how it made her feel and how she might react next time. Do not get caught up in the emotionality of it. Of course be sympathetic. Be a listening ear and a good encouragement for her. But don't act like what she is going through is the end of the world, or an outrage, that will only make her feel worse that it is happening to her.

If her school has a counselor, call her/him for advice and to help be some eyes and ears on the situation. If not maybe her teacher. Above all, stay calm. Guide, encourage, allow her to think and process the situation and be empowered to make her own daily decisions on how to proceed. Help her develop "backup plans" ( for example, if she ignores you again, who else might you sit with/play with at lunch?) She is getting older and you can't solve all her problems, but you can be there for when it gets tough.

Your daughter's other friends aren't being "taken away." No one can be "stolen" from a relationship unless they choose to go. Her other friends are CHOOSING to act like asses. You say that finding other friends would mean walking away from them. Why is it a bad thing to walk away from people who treat you badly?
It's a hard lesson to learn and one that she will have to learn for herself.

C.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Sorry that your daughter is going through this.

If those "friends" are leaning away...they aren't really her friends. And guess what? That's okay! People are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

This is one of those life lessons. You cannot "make" her do anything. You can suggest and guide her. Ultimately, the choice will be hers to walk away or try and work things out.

Keep the lines of communication open with your daughter. Give her options. But don't tell her what to do.

Good luck!

It's a sad fact of life. Friends change, especially for girls. Keep her busy and involved in as many things as you can, sports, clubs, scouts, classes, church, etc. so she has lots of opportunities to meet others and widen her circle. Middle school will bring even more changes, so it's important that she has lots of experience meeting and getting along with all kinds of kids, girls and boys.

Best to let your daughter handle this herself. She will figure it out. Every now and then you have to step back and let them figure things out for themselves. I know it is hard on you, but in the end it's better for her. She is experiencing life.

That sucks! What I would tell your daughter is this. When the girls huddle up and leave her standing there, to turn and walk away. If she just stands there, the mean girl is cheering inside. If she puts on the attitude that she doesn't care, the mean girl will stop. Mean girls and bullies only repeat something that gets THEM attention. If she pretends to not care that they are talking about her/without her then at some point one of the girls that still cares about her friendship will say 'Hey, where's Kate?'.

She doesn't have to give the 'It's her or me, speech.' Just walk away for that moment, and each moment that she feels excluded. There doesn't have to be drama, just a decision to matter.
It will be hard, and may take a few days, but there will be a friend or two that WILL come back.

C. N has it right!
A few posts back it was discussed how when we (as adults) introduce friends and then they leave us out. Many moms said that we cannot own our friends---yet, you all seem to be sympathetic here.

Young girls grow up to be old mamas who do as this NEW girl did--gets invited into a group and then disses the very person who brought you in!

Your daughter may need to learn this lesson--Don't introduce new friends in--and keep seperate friendship circles.

Ditto Shannon, the exact advice I was going to give. It hurts to see our children go through these things, but it's something they need to learn to deal with on their own.

There really isn't anything you can do for your daughter, except to explain that this girl will get what's coming to her for her behavior and once she works her way through the rest of her friends, she'll be a lonely mess.

It's something your daughter will just have to deal with...I remember the same thing happening to me in eighth grade. I was really upset for awhile, but the girl eventually turned on my other friends and they all came around to what a mean so-and-so the girl was. What I don't remember is EVER discussing it with my mother, or her giving me any advice.

Good for you for being so in touch with your daughter and her feelings...just continue to encourage her!

I'm sorry this is happening, this just happened to us.

Your daughter's new "friend" is what's known as a "third party." She is intentionally leaving your daughter out, perhaps she is afraid that the other girls are going to be better friends with your daughter and leave the new girl out.

Your daughter needs to HANDLE the situation, not just walk away. However, she will need to come to you in order for you to help her, so if she's looking for advice, now's the time to help. If she's not, then there isn't much you can do.

My daughter just went through this, and now the situation is handled. She is also 11, I guess this is the age it happens!

First talk to your daughter about some specific situations. Then you can help her find ways to handle them and you can even act them out with each other so she can practice. For example, what does your daughter do when the other friend yells at her? There are ways she can handle the yelling friend. Your daughter can say "Why are you yelling at me in front of my friends? That isn't very nice."

If the girls hang out and "privately talk" without your daughter then your daughter and walk up to the group and say "I'd love to hang out and talk with you all. Can I join in?" If the mean girl says "No!" Then your daughter can say "Why are you purposely leaving me out? I thought we were all friends."

The point is for your daughter to confront the Mean Girl and point out what she is doing. Mean Girls don't like that.

This is what my daughter did, and now she is no longer left out. The mean girl actually cowered (most of them do) and she knocked it off. The Mean Girl in my daughter's group actually stopped picking on my daughter and chose a different person in the group of friends to be mean to. My daughter has been standing up for this girl too. I don't know why they all still hang out with Mean Girl, but girls will be girls.

My daughter also took each friend aside by themselves and said "You and I have been friends for a while, and it hurts my feelings when you leave me out on purpose or let Mean Girl yell at me. Have I done something to upset you?"

It turns out the other friends didn't quite realize what was happening. They knew, but they were so young that they just didn't see the mechanics of it.

Your daughter can be assertive, or she can walk away.

I wish you luck, this will probably continue to happen all through her life (and even into adulthood!)

C.,
My daughter is in middle school and is 12 yrs old. She has this "bully BFF" that we have dealt with since 5th grade. Now they talk at school and email once in a while but they aren't allowed to do anything outside of school.

There is always drama with these girls and this is the age when it starts to get ugly at times. I've found that if I listen and not give too much advice that my daughter opens up a lot more. I also give suggestions and choices for her to choose from and let her decide what she thinks she should do.

Check out Queen Bees Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman. It's a very good read.

Good Luck!

http://www.amazon.com/Queen-Bees-Wannabes-Boyfriends-Real...

Sadly, those little girl apples probably doesn't fall far from the tree of mama apples.

I have always made sure my son has several circles of friends - family, church, school, neighbors, scouts, sports, kids of my husband's and my work friends - to ensure his friend eggs aren't all in one basket.

I keep my friends seperate because, like your little girl--I was hurt when I befriended a new girl and since she was more 'developed', she was a hit in the circle--and I was left out.

this is very, very, very typical middle school girl behavior.
the Mean Girl has a story and vulnerabilities and wonderful traits somewhere under that nasty exterior.
girls take turns playing the Mean Girl. it seems to be a mask that even nice girls need to try on briefly. some girls fit it awfully well and keep it there for life.
the Mean Girl does not have a gun to the other girls' heads. she can't 'take them away.' but cliques swirl and form and re-form.
you can't change girl dynamics. this plays out over and over regardless of culture, venue or social stratum.
what you CAN do is empower your daughter. listen to her. encourage her to think of solutions. role-play. empathize, but don't coddle. don't let her cast herself as a victim or as weak. encourage her to try different solutions, and let her know that not all of them will work, or feel right to her. but she should explore different coping techniques so that she can come up with some that will be her go-tos, maybe for the rest of her life.
make it about your daughter, not the Mean Girl.
khairete
S.