Dealing with a Separation

Hi again S....I like Rachel am adding to my previous advice...

I just have to say that in Rachel's response she says that people are telling you to put your feelings aside just to make the marriage work....I just want to clarify that I did not say or mean that at all. You can't just put your feelings aside or you will be both depressed and miserable and yes that's not good for your children to grow up around. What I was suggesting was getting some good counsel for you and your husband as a couple and seperately if that's what the counselor suggests so that you can work through those feelings and come to some kind of compromise or agreement. Relationships are hard work and very often we have to sit down and look at things and come to a compromise. Accept each other for who we are, etc, etc. Of course, as I stated before, I'm basing this on what you shared...not knowing all the details. If this was some kind of abusive situation I might have different advice for you.

S....I keep checking this post hoping for an update. Since I read this it's been on my mind and heart all week and I am really rooting for your family. God bless you guys and may He lead you in this very difficult time and situation.

Hi S..
The situation you are in is very difficult. Of course that little girl believes you are her mother...YOU ARE. You have been for as long as you lived with her and cared for her. It must be killing you to be away from her as well. :(

I don't know your situation completely so it's hard to give advice on something you don't know the details of. Besides saying you and your husband have different ideas on how to raise children, you didn't say what made you move to the direction of divorce. Have you considered going through marriage counseling? Are you and your husband up to that at all? Have you given it any thought? Right now you're seeing the effect on the older daughter, but your younger one is going to be affected as well...maybe it's just not as noticable at the moment. I know separation and divorce are common these days...but my hope for you and your family is restoration...a word we so rarely hear. But it is possible. You seem happy with the way things were before you got pregnant...maybe there is a possibility you could work things out.

Just a thought. I hope that you will consider it. Again, I don't know the details and whether or not you were in an abusive situation...I know that most people say good for you for leaving...but the family unit is something so special. We forget that these days.

If you ever want to talk or anything I'm here. My best to you and your family.

this is a real heartbreak. in that little girl's eyes you are her mother. you are her protector, her nurturer, her warm hug and her doting smile. if you feel even half the love for her that she must hold for you then fight for her. who knows how she has already suffered from her mother (you) "abandoning" her... i put it in quotes bcs of course this is not what you mean to do but this is probably how she's experiencing it. can you visit her? take her out and talk with her about how you feel about her and why she's not with you? would your husband (ex?) be amenable to joint custody?

i know nothing about your relationship with your husband nor about how bitterly the 2 of you separated but when it comes to the lives of the little ones it's worth putting egos and pride and personal hurt aside in the hopes of raising people who know that they are nothing less than cherished... and hopefully, when they grow into emotionally healthy big people, they will not suffer like their parents did.

are things irreconcileable btn you and your husband? have you explored this road thoroughly? also, just an aside which may or may not pertain to your situation... please know that if you have/ had any post-partum depression your experience of differences btn your husband and yourself may be amplified 10-fold. it took me a good 10 months post-partum before the clouds started parting for me and i know women who took longer. still, things are not like they used to be (pre-baby days) but certainly we can now talk about child-rearing issues without the explosions that were happening before. i suggest this to you because you wrote that when it was just the 3 of you, "We soon moved in together forming a wonderful bond and providing a loving home for his daughter." were your husband's notions on child-rearing not evident at this point? how is it that they only showed up after the birth of his 2nd daughter? you can see why i question whether it is that he changed or you changed. of course, if you change this is completely valid. post-partum is a VERY difficult time with lots of new things to deal with and tons of hormones that don't make it any easier. becoming a biological mother makes a woman change in many ways that she could never have fathomed: the once relaxed woman becomes a crazed hypochondriac (me =) perhaps it's worth revisiting the issues btn you 2 rather than making rash desicions that will undoubtedly affect you, and your babies, for the rest of your lives.

i wish you and your family the best of luck.

K.

Hi S.,
First i like to say to you that I think you did a brave thing by leaving. As much as you love your step daughter you had to get away from your marriage. What i think you should do is maybe have a real big girl talk with your step daughter. But I need to correct you on one thing. Please dont use real and birth parent in the same sentence. Being a birth parent by no means makes you a "real" parent.
Your right she doesn't deserve this.I understand why she looks at you as her mother you have always been there for her.
This is not going to be easy no matter who gives you advice.
maybe you husband will let you have time with your step daughter and then you can do your best to explaine things to her

Good luck
N.

If your husband is willing, maybe you could file for guardianship or something like that.

Hi S.,

I agree with Laura P. Marriage is so often seen as disposable. The "good for you" attitude is so short sighted when you have to consider the affect divorce has on children. Go look at some statistics. I don't know your complete circumstance either. But, you are deserting your first daughter and separating her from her only sibling. She will see it that way, what other way is there for her to see it. You trying to put some kind of spin on it is not going to make up for the fact that you not being there for her every day, so sad.

Ok, Im going to be completely honest with you. This is my opinion and I am putting myself in your situation.

When you agreed to help your husband get custody of his daughter and help raise her you took on the mother role to that little girl. You stepped in and from what you said "formed a wonderful bond".
Yet once you had your own child, you seemed to have denied her that mothering you gave her before.

You also have to stop calling your husbands daughter "his daughter" becuase he isnt just his daughter. She is now a part of your life forever. Shes your childs sister. Half sister yes, but they still have the same father and they deserve to know each other and have that sisterly bond.

No one said marriage is easy. Did you try counseling or anything before moving out? or did you simply give up once times got tough?

If you are so concerned about this little girl, and you said her birth mother isnt in her life, Why not file for you to be named her legally adopted mother. My stepfather did that for me when i was little. stepping in and raising another mans child as his own. thats what a real man would do.

You have some decsions to make. It sounds like you gave up too easily. i would fight untill the end for my family to stay together. a child deserves both its parents, bilogically or not. a child doesnt asked to be born. its time to stop thinking of just yourself and start thinking of the mental well being of the children.

I'm not sure if this helps or not, but an ex that I had lived with for a few years grew up in the custody of his father. His sister was his mother's child from before his mother & father met. His father raised her as his own & they are still very close to this day (she is now in her late 30's) & she calls him dad. When their parents split up, their father and their mother fought for custody & he actually won custody of both children (even though his daughter was not biologically his). If the 2 of you end up going through court, maybe that is something that could be considered. Especially if you believe that your older daughter's living situation may be unsafe for her. Best of luck to you & your children, I know how tough single motherhood is, but those babies are so worth all of it! =)

I am just adding a note to my previous advise:
I noticed a few people stated that you need to put your own feelings aside & possibly try to work things our with your husband for your children. I need to say that my parents seperated & divorced for me & my sister's sake! They realized that it would be much healthier for children to grow up seeing their parents separately & happy, rather than fighting, or just miserable & depressed but together. If things are able to be worked out, GREAT! But don't think that just staying together is best for everyone. Sometimes being apart is what is emotionally best for your children, you are not being selfish at all. Besides, you need to do what is best for YOU, if you are not taking care of yourself mentally or physically, how in the world could you take care of others? First take care of you, so that you are capable of taking care of your children. Best Wishes!

Is it possible that your husband would agree to have you raise the older child? If his work schedule was such that he needed help from his parents before you were on the scene, maybe it would be worth his while to have you raise her as well as your child together. If he is in a financial position to support his family, that way you could have both of the children with you. Good luck.