Dealing with My Own Toxic Mother Is Killing Me!

I have my own mother struggles. They are nothing compared to what you wrote.
If my mom said those things to me or my children, she would not see me or my children again. Except for maybe on the rarest of occasions.
HTH!

I think some of her comments were rude, but not to the degree of cutting her off. Unless she were dangerous or abusive would I distance myself in such an extreme way and I don't not think she is either. I can't believe how small a level of tolerance people have. My sil totally cut off her parents for making one teeny remark that she took the wrong way. All b/c she gets annoyed with everything single they do, even though they are good people.

I understand dealing with people with depression and the victim mentality, I have a close relative just like this. We ride her waves with caution and we don't expect much from her, so we don't get disappointed. But a great relationship can still be had when you keep visits brief and uplifting. Don't dwell or talk about issues or anything that can rile her or that is debatable or anything. Keep conversation positive and light. Keep visits or outings brief and know when to calmly and politely leave when she starts to ramp up.

Also, lots of grandmas and even moms are not 'kid/baby people'. Just respect it for what it is and try not to take things personal.

I would keep your son away since it seems like she was basically saying she doesn't even like him. I would definitely NEVER let her be with him alone. And, I'd back off your relationship with her. Maybe seen her once in a blue moon, but she sounds like all she does is harm and hurt you. There's no reason to put yourself in that situation over and over again.

My MIL and step-FIL have done that too. It's hard. We've backed off a lot, and it has helped. I'm so sorry! She sounds like a mean woman!

It sounds like she is very tired, depressed and feeling like she has no control of what goes on around her. Hmmm, kind of like my mom. My kids are grown but when they were little, my mom could only handle seeing my kids in short periods of time. So we would keep the visits very short and they mostly revolved around other people, places and things.

She liked taking everyone out to eat so we would find kid-friendly restaurants and she would never criticize anyone in public. When she asked about why we didn't come more often, we would just say that we needed to give the kids other activities or we haven't seen ___ in a while, etc. We never told her the truth because it would start more drama.

It doesn't sound like there is a great loss at not being around your mom much. Just keep the visits short and at the best time of day for everyone. You do not want your kids to learn that this is appropriate behavior. Do not stay with her. If you navigate the web, you can find cheap motels. Ask around for those who have used priceline.com a few times, you can figure out how it works and get cheap stays. If motels seem costly, then just don't go as often. It is well worth the cost if you just go less often. Some chains even have mini kitchens to cook your own meals.

Don't discuss anything with her that will bring up the usual drama. Just keep everything light. If she gets pissy, then just say, "Oh, I didn't realize the time. We need to get the kids down for a nap or we promised the kids we were going to the park, etc. Great seeing you! See you ____. Love you." Then leave. Just keep it calm and pleasant, especially for your kids.

Now my mom appreciates that we don't stay with her. Less work for her and she can go to bed, get up, etc. when she wants.

That is so sad and I completely understand because my mom can be this way too. She never used to be this bad but has gradually gotten worse as she has gotten older. She is very unhappy in her life, stressed out and very depressed and I think these things combined with her self absorbed personality are what make her behave this way. It is so hurtful. You can see one of my earlier posts that at one point I wrote her a letter asking her to please not be so negative towards my son and to please be more positive and supportive. Her response was to say she was never going to speak to me again and then she cut me off. This lasted only 6 weeks. It was so incredibly hurtful to me and honestly, I now know that if she feels criticized she can be just plain mean. She never used to be this way. She loves to be the victim just like you say your mom does. In her mind I was the bad guy saying she did not love her grandson anymore (she makes everything more dramatic than it really is). My response has been to mourn for the mom I do not have. I went through a huge time period of mourning and it did help. I read the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" which is a book for daughters of narcissistic mothers. I have stepped back and am just slightly more distant now. I do not expect things/certain behaviors from my mom now. I am nice to her but I do not feel close inside. This is a way to protect myself. It's all I can do because she will never change. I am so sorry to hear about your mom but I recommend distancing your emotions/attachment. It's a very very hard thing bc mothers are supposed to always be there for us.

Lisa,

I am so sorry...especially for your young son, who picked up on her negativity. This must be very disappointing for you, especially since it seems you had a relatively fulfilling relationship before.

My MIL kind of snapped like that too...I still don't know what happened. I tend to think it's health-related or even early-onset dementia. Interestingly, she (according to my husband) had always thought of herself as a "victim, refused to take responsibility for her actions, thought people were against her...just as you describe your mom.

Our relationship kind of severed when she had an episode similar to the one you described...and my husband just cut her off. Not sure I would do the same, but I agree with your decision and the other posters that protecting your son is paramount.

Again, I am so sorry, and I hope that things at least semi-resolve, for your sake as her child : (

I would distance myself somewhat, but not totally cut her off.

And I would visit her without my son (once or twice a year?) until he's older, but bring lots of pictures. I would not want him having to cope with that drama.

It's too bad that you can't have a more supportive relationship. It doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong - she just sounds difficult.

Sounds very similar to my mom, except my mom was sneaky and underhanded too. Very passive-aggressive; blamed the dog for messes she made, stole photo albums, refused to talk to my dh or inlaws, wouldn't participate in family outings while she was a guest here, called the kids names, etc etc all with the explanation that "that's who I am". I sent her a letter, after she dodged my calls for 3 weeks, explaining to her why I was upset and was making the decision to limit contact but that I hoped we could talk about it and move past this. Ball was in her court and she chose not to respond. We had no contact for 3 months, then started with short calls to me and then supervised calls to the kids. Fast forward 2 years; we've had two visits (she lives in CA, we're in TX) and both went well. I talk to her several times a week. I know her limitations and accept them, she knows that if she tries to contradict me with my kids we're gone. Most of the effort has been mine, but it's been worth it. Losing contact with me for a few months really hurt her, she understood that she needed to try harder if the relationship was going to work. Now when she starts reverting to old habits I just hang up the phone or take the kids and leave, I tell her it obviously isn't a good time for her and we'll talk later.

Good luck, dealing with narcissistic passive-aggressive moms is hard. For your family's sake you need to get control of the situation.

Since April when my own mother disowned me again (long story) my life has been absolutely wonderful!!! I'm not stressed, upset or angry anymore. Im not being a yoyo anymore in my life, not in my life, in my life, etc my own mother gets her happiness from making others miserable and I made the decision to not allow her to that to me or my family anymore. I stopped trying to figure her out, stopped asking what I did that gave her a reason to treat me the way she does.

Sounds like you need to put distance between you/your son and your mother. If she asks why be honest, in the nicest possible way at first. Let her know that what she says hurts you and that you do not want to be around that type of constant hurtfulliness. She may not see it as hurting you, even if you say so, there might be somethings that your mother has to work through so she can let go of her own hurt, pain, disappiontment before being able to be loving towards others.

I would not cut her out of your life all together at first. Send cards, letters, pictures, drawings from your son, call. Try to keep communication open but if she has nothing good to say gently tell her you will not talk with only negative comments thrown around.

Until she is able to deal with her own inner turmoils and health... I'd keep my child and self away from her vicious and abusive behavior.

You've gotten some great advice about distancing yourself, about having honest conversations about your concerns for her and about letting go of your perceptions of what the relationship should be.

Please be aware that even if you decide to tell her you are concerned for her mental and physical well-being and that you will be taking a break for a while until she takes care of herself, she may never change. I think it is an accurate assessment that you are in mourning. Your description of your mom comes pretty close to a description of mine. My mother passed away last October. I don't mean to be harsh-sounding here; I have found this past year easier to get through because I took the emotional steps long ago to mourn and accept that I did not have (no longer had?) the mother I would have wanted and believed she could be had she not had mental and physical issues she chose not to address.

Best wishes to you and your son. I am sure there are lots of senior angels in your community who would love to pay attention to your son. Contact a couple of senior living facilities to see if visits can be arranged. I bet it would be a great opportunity to work on his reading skills!

I would keep my distance for awhile. I would keep your son far away from her, and if she asks about it, just be honest with her. That is a horrible environment for a child to be in. She needs to get her issues addressed, and until she does that, then your son doesen't need to be anywhere near her. Just stick to your guns.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I understand your comment that you are mourning the loss of the mother you knew. Sadly, that's just what you have to do. Mourn the loss and move on. If you want to have a long conversation with her about how sad you are that she's so unhappy, and that you hope she gets some help, that would be completely appropriate. Until she does so, however, and changes her attitude completely, I would keep my distance. You don't need it, and your children certainly don't need it.
Hope something happens to make it better.

I'm sorry this is two weeks late, but I am just now going through my backed-up email and I had to respond to this question. I have the same issue with my mother. She is a toxin in my life and the lives of my family. I was sent a link one time from a friend and I don't have it anymore but google "daughters of narcissistic mothers". I don't know if that is what it is but it sure fit my mother. There are suggestions out there on how to deal with these mothers. This information was like someone wrote it with my mother in mind. Dead on! Hope it helps. I'm also sorry you're going through this.

On a side note...The same friend who sent this to me always tells me I will miss her when she's gone. My gut reaction is always, maybe but my life will be sooo much simpler! But deep down in my heart if I were totally honest, I don't even think I would miss her.

LUCKY YOU!!! Your mom doesn't live close by and was "honest" with you about how she feels about kids and you. So I think that gives you the golden ticket to be "honest" with her in return. I would tell her that you had a horrible trip and will not be having extended trips in the future. You can visit her for a brief trip on say, birthdays, big holidays (if even that) but make it SHORT! I don't think you should completely cut her off but just limit your time and conversations with her. I had to do this with my own mom (and I'm an ONLY child!!) without even telling her and its gotten so much better. Good luck!

well my first thought is, maybe you are leading the life that your mother always wished she could lead, and she is jealous. Maybe you have the love in your life, that she wishes she had in hers. Maybe she said "i don't like kids" to talk herself into it, meaning since you don't live around her and she doesn't see you much, so she might as well not act like she loves you. And if she is getting older, well lots of older people say exactly what they think, and a lot of times, it's not nice. That doesn't make it right, but it's just a fact. And I'd say maybe your mom is just miserable because she is gaining weight, and lonely. So she is bitter. I would just hold off on the calling her, and make her make the first step and go slow. Tell her you don't like her hurtful comments. And some people are just miserable people just because. My husband always says he is happier when his family isn't in his life, well, some of them. Too much drama. I hope things get better for you.

So hard!! Especially from your mother, even though, by your account, she's always been this way on some level. She might be lonely too, on top of her natural negative self. When I was a teenager, some friends and I went caroling at a nursing home on Christmas day. This one old lady followed us around the whole time complaining. ("You call that singing??" She even asked on of my very tall friends is she was a man or a woman!) She was really grouchy and cantankerous. When we finally went to leave, she started crying and asked us not to go. I think she was really lonely and probably afraid.

I'm trying to get better as I get older, not worse, so perhaps this is a good learning lesson for you on how NOT to age gracefully. : ) Hopefully with you distancing yourself (you decide how much), it might clue her in and help her to see her negative behavior and attitude. And if she doesn't get a clue, at least you won't be as disappointed and upset with her behavior the few times you're with her. Good luck!

Wow, doesnt sound like she's liking being a grandma or somethin. Was she like this when you were little? If she wasnt then something has happened and it sounds like she needs help or she's just changed into some sort of selfish mode. Maybe she is jealous of your lifestyle? There has to be some sort of explanation as to why she seems so bitter, do you have any clues as to why?

Sounds like she misses you.
Maybe plan a girls weekend at a spa or something in a town midway between where you both live, just the 2 of you, for her next birthday. Might make you 2 remember that you really love each other.