Dealing with OCD Husband

He needs behavioral therapy. He (and you) do not have to live this way. He can change. Does he understand this is not normal behavior?

I live with a husband that is probably borderline OCD. He lives with my anxiety issues. Boy aren't we a fun couple to hang with??

Anyways, we have (as a couple) settled into what we consider fair in our "issues". My husband would lo longer go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink than he would leave the front door wide open with a help yourself to anything inside sign on the door.

I would try and try to keep up with what he needed clean to feel comfortable. He would re-clean whatever it was...and it would make me so angry...he would re-sweep a floor I just swept...reload a dishwasher I just loaded...I know you understand!! So, I no longer load the dishwasher or even wash the dishes for that matter...they are not clean enough if I do them. So, we have come to a compromise he just does them his way, because we realized that I will never get them clean enough. (he doesn't get angry, he just does them). The way we work it is I cook dinner, he does dishes...it feels a bit more normal than he has to re-do them if I wash them...but it works for us.

Mine started getting upset at our dining room chairs (are our husband's cousins??)...so I took him to Joanne's Fabric store and we picked out fabric. Then he recovered them, would he have liked me to do it...yes, but he is a big boy and can use a screwdriver and a staple gun, measure and cut fabric. He loved them when they were finished...he even scotch guarded them.

One day he was folding laundry (you have never seen such sharp creases)...and I handed our five year old a stack of her pajamas and told her to go put them away. He hollered "NO!!"...we all jumped and looked at him. he had cleaned out her drawer and didn't want her to mess it up. (Hey, I am happy if the pajamas are in a drawer and ecstatic it is in the correct drawer where I look for them). We looked at him and he kinda felt the weird vibe and said just don't mess the drawer up when I am home. So, if you look in the drawer now it is a mix of pajamas, undies and socks...but he hasn't looked back in there...

It sounds like he is on the wrong medication or the wrong dose (my hubby isn't quite ready for medication, yet).

Another thing we did is hire a house cleaner...for some reason if she does it, it is clean enough...if I do it, he re-cleans it...???? But best $200 a month we spend!!!

Also, when my husband tells me we need to "straighten" the house...I cringe because my idea of straighten, and his are light years apart.

I feel your pain...is he at any place where you can talk about what he can do to make his life more comfortable for him? Like not expecting you to do things that you will never get "just right".

Please PM me, we can talk more....I totally get it!! Sending you a huge HUG!!!

Is he seeing a therapist in addition to the doctor? Because it's fine that he's taking medication to regulate the physical aspects of OCD, but it's not just a physical brain condition, it's a mental condition. If he's not getting comprehensive treatment to COPE with it in addition to the medical treatment, I can see why he's stuck. He needs someone to help him get unstuck and that's not you. I don't know if he's open to counseling, but if he knows he has OCD, perhaps he will be willing to work with someone on strategies to manage the outbreaks at home.

Is the doctor he's seeing a psychiatrist? OCD is an anxiety disorder and of all the things he could be taking that isn't the most effective for both depression and anxiety, like welbutrin.

Also, like others have stated, he needs to getting counseling so he can learn healthy coping techniques.

My husband has OCD and as stress in his life increases, his behaviors increase as well. At first it was a lot like with you and your husband. If there was going to be a fault it was going to be mine. But over time with lots of conversations and healthy boundaries on my part (i.e. he could talk TO me, not AT me) he began to see that I was on his team and I quit being the he took it out on.

Encourage him to see a psychiatrist if he isn't and encourage him to get into counseling as well.

Updated

Is the doctor he's seeing a psychiatrist? OCD is an anxiety disorder and of all the things he could be taking that isn't the most effective for both depression and anxiety, like welbutrin.

Also, like others have stated, he needs to getting counseling so he can learn healthy coping techniques.

My husband has OCD and as stress in his life increases, his behaviors increase as well. At first it was a lot like with you and your husband. If there was going to be a fault it was going to be mine. But over time with lots of conversations and healthy boundaries on my part (i.e. he could talk TO me, not AT me) he began to see that I was on his team and I quit being the he took it out on.

Encourage him to see a psychiatrist if he isn't and encourage him to get into counseling as well.

Is he in therapy, or is he just being treated with drugs? Studies have shown that the most effective treatments for mental issues should involve both. I'm not sure what his doctor is thinking - I don't think prozac is indicated for OCD. There are drugs specific to the condition that can be prescribed.

Anyway, if possible, talk to his doctor and let him/her know that things aren't going well.

Also, if possible, go in and see a therapist together. If he isn't seeing a therapist, he really should. A therapist can help him to learn to recognize his condition and teach him coping skills. People who are mentally ill often have a very narrow focus - they do not realize how their behavior is affecting those they live with. It is much easier to believe that there is an outside problem (i.e. you are not keeping the floor clean enough) rather than a problem in their own heads.

I am dealing with something similar in my own home - I am married to a veteran with PTSD. When he is in a reactionary state, he doesn't know it - he is convinced that he is angry for a reason. Instead what happens is he gets angry, then starts looking for a reason. He is learning to recognize when he's "off the rails," but it isn't easy - he can't see it himself, and doesn't like being told that he's out of line. But with encouragement from his therapist he has started listening when I tell him he needs to leave the room and calm down, and is learning how to calm down. He is also learning that his behavior affects everyone else in our household - if he behaves badly, even if it is because of his mental illness, our children are affected. He may be ill, but he is also a parent, and responsible for how he treats his children.

Please do what you can to get your husband into therapy, for all of your sakes.

I would recommend, on top of his getting further help from a professional, talking to your husband about having a code-word to help him recognize when his behavior is becoming irrational and out of hand.

You see, when he gets obsessive about the dishes, floor, or chairs...and your response only validates his obsession (I'm not washing the dishes, I'm only cleaning once, there aren't chairs here), it doesn't help him to recognize his compulsion. Your responses egg that compulsion on further.

You have to step away from the argument completely, not become a part of it or build upon in further.

So, when it's becoming irrational, perhaps you say a code word or phrase. A phrase that you've discussed together and he knows to be an indicator that he needs to leave that room and go find a book to read, a show on TV, or just to come and hug you. Anything to get him away from the obsession...and it will keep you from becoming the villain.

Best of luck!

C. Lee

He NEEDS to see a Therapist or Psychiatrist.
Just taking meds is NOT enough.
He doesn't know how to manage with his problem.
He has NO coping skills.

And meanwhile, he is making everyone in his vicinity, crazy.
And he is BLAMING others for his OWN, issues.
He NEEDS to see a Professional psychologist or psychiatrist.
Tell him, he is obsessed and his blaming you is not appropriate.
Say it in an even tone of voice. And, keep saying this to him.
And make him responsible for himself. If he complains about the household HE can do it.
Because, no one... will do it good enough for, him.
No one.
Because he has IRRATIONAL issues, about it.
He is making everyone... a "prisoner" of his mental issues.

I don't have any advice, but sympathy. My husband is mildly OCD, not officially diagnosed but it's pretty clear. If he comes home from work and anything is out of place he freaks out and rants about "this place is a mess!" There are a lot of different things he does, but the kicker is that he makes the bed at night while I'm sleeping in it. Having someone take all the covers off you while you are asleep and then make the bed over top of you is just absurd. It's not like I tangle the sheets or anything, it's just in his head (like how he always thinks he feels crumbs in the bed... no one eats in the bedroom, let alone the bed). Once my toddler son drew long lines with a black ball point pen on our new cream colored furniture. You can imagine what I spent HOURS doing just so that when my husband got home he didn't have a heart attack. By some miracle I got it all out so when he came home he couldn't see it, just that the furniture was wet and it smelled like chemicals, he still freaked out, but not as bad because you couldn't see it at all.

Anyhow, sympathies with you - I know how challenging it is! It seems to help my husband to have one space to focus on. His office area is his, no one goes in there and no one touches anything. If he feels overwhelmed by the massive mess (like the 3 cheerios on the floor) then he can go in there and shut the door until he hears the dust buster go and deems it safe to emerge. By doing this he seems able to handle the rest fairly well, except the making the bed with me in it, gawd that's annoying.

He needs therapy, you need a support group to help you to be able to understand and deal with his behavior. I have a friend in the same situation, their marriage is surviving and thriving because they both got and still get help after years of his OCD.

Find a support group! Look for one through his doctor. Then you will have a group that has real life answers for this. I suspect it would mostly be separating the disorder from the person but he's making that difficult right now. He needs some group therapy, also. It would give him perspective.

It sounds like his med needs to be tweaked some more. Does he take an antipsychotic? That anger is a sign of something more and needs to be addressed.

This might be something to discuss with his doctor. Maybe there is a code word or phrase you could use to remind him that it's OK. There are reasons he gets fixated on things and it may help to help remind him of his coping mechanisms. If he is not also in behavioral therapy, he should give it a try.

ETA: therapy is less expensive than a divorce. If you are working, see if either of you has an EAP program where you could get a few sessions for free or lower cost.

If he's not seeing a psychiatrist for his meds that's where he needs to be going. He needs specific meds to curb this tendency/obsession. Tell him if he wants to floors clean to go for it. That he cleans better than you and you'd appreciate the help. That way he might have a different attitude about the floors, like it's his job. Then he won't be angry while he's doing "your" work for you.

Why is he on Prozac? That's an antidepressant. Your description of his OCD behavior is the complete opposite. I would think, if he's going to be on any meds, they should be something to SLOW him down! not speed him up! At this rate he'll work himself into complete exhaustion or worse!

Get another doctor real fast for personality disorders! This is lunacy. Upping his antidepressants. (Give me strength.) He's out of control.

Reassure him, ignore sometimes and don't get upset. Let him get the new chairs if it will make him mentally feel at ease. Clear the dishes so it is one less thing for him to obsess about. Let him be when he gets to cleaning the floor. It has nothing to do with you personally, it's the fact that things are out of order in his mind, and having to deal with this thing "out of order" all the time makes him obsess over it all over again. It is something he has to tell himself is ok to let it be but that comes with you being calm about it and reassure him it is ok, or simply help clear his head.

Does HE realize he has OCD? He needs to take some extreme measures to control it. He should see a specialist, because this can control his life.

If the prozac isn't working, he needs to try something else, because this will get worse if he doesn't do something about it asap. Insist on it.