I'm interested to know how any of you would respond to the new knowledge that your 16-year-old stepdaughter is a cigarette smoker. I suspected at least three years ago that she was smoking and was basically positive she had become a habitual smoker last year, but my suspisions were actually confirmed this morning when her dad was hugging her goodbye and said, "I want you to quit smoking. It's so bad for you - and you picked the worst cigarettes - Camels Unfiltered! It's what my dad smoked. You're going to get cancer!" To which she replied, "I know....bye!" My relationship with my stepdaughter is not hostile exactly, but it's not really warm and fuzzy either. She lives with her dad and me because her mom is unable and unwilling to raise her anymore, and I've been in her life since she was 12. Things have always been a little awkward and strained between the two of us unless we're just keeping the conversation light. However, I'm am so vehemently against cigarette smoking that's it's a hot-button issue for me. Do you think I should even broach the subject with her or just leave sleeping dogs lie? Also, please keep in mind that I have an 8-year-old son and 11-month-old daughter and regularly care for my three-year-old and 18-month-old nephews. Thanks for any insight you can give me!
Thank you to everyone who responded about my stepdaughter's smoking. I especially enjoyed hearing from those who either were teen smokers or were stepdaughters themselves. It helps me immensely to hear from people who've been there. I decided not to approach my stepdaughter directly but instead to tell my husband how I feel and encourage him to lay down rules about her smoking. He's very distressed about her smoking and has let her know this in no uncertain terms.
hi K., yu have the same problem i have my daughters 17 will be 18 in june. i dont smoke but i found out she does ive ttalked and talked to her to quit but ill tell yu they will sneak around and smoke so i wont allow her to smoke around me.how does she get the money to buy these cigerettes they cost plenty.if she gets allowence cut it off, i hope she stops smoking for her health. wishing yu the best. M.
Dearest K. S ,
I sat my children down in front of me at ages 11 (daughter) 7 (son) and 4 (youngest a daughter) . I told them how bad & addicting & costly smoking was . Then I told all of them they could smoke but not in our house or our car . I told them that if they decieded to smoke that I would be a nice mom about it . I said I would visit them in the nursing home because if they smoked they would be there before me . They all said , "Mom , we will never smoke ". I said "Didn't you hear me I said I would visit you in the nursing home , I will try to go every day , is that better" . Each one said "Mom ,we know you would come see us but we don't want to be in a nursing home .
Update my oldest daughter (now 26) tried to smoke but said it was gross . My son (now 23) said he was ask but he said NO because he is not stupid . The youngest (now 19) said she doesn't even want to be with smokers & would never smoke or even try it .
Please sit your teenager down & fill her in about cancer . Let her know you love her & tell her about the risks which are hereitary . False teeth & oxygen tanks are not in style & will NEVER be but it's her choice . Tell her your will pray for her to quit before it is too late .
Please talk to your other children as early as I did . I also reinforce my speech with visits to the nursing homes . This way they could see for themselves that mom was telling the truth . God bless & good luck with your stepdaughter .
Love & prayers ,
J.
I'm a stepdaughter and a stepmother. I'm not sure exactly how to get a 16 yr old to quit smoking, but I do that that it is up to your husband to correct his daughter. She will resent you for broaching the subject, especially since you two are not very close to begin with. I'm sure she's dealing with a lot of issues with her mother being unable and unwilling to care for her (which must be a huge blow to her), living with her stepmother whom she has a semi-strained relationship with, and on top of all that... being 16 is TOUGH!
You have every right not to condone smoking, not to allow it in your house, etc. But talk to your husband about your thoughts and feelings and even give him suggestions as to how you'd like him to handle it.... but let him handle it.
Good luck to you all! :)
Leave it alone. All the suggestions are wonderful, but they won't work. 16 yr old girls don't care about cancer, wrinkles when they're older or nasty cigarette smell. They care about being cool. If the kids she hangs out with smoke, she will too. It's unfortunate, but that's the way it works. I started smoking at 16 and nothing would get me to quit. We had all the discussions at school and I got in trouble regularly for smoking. I still wouldn't stop. If you're relationship with her is already strained, this will make it worse. If you want to talk to her, do it with her father. He can do most of the talking and you can be there as support. I wish you the best of luck. Smoking is such a hard habit to break and I hope that she manages to break it before it becomes life threatening.
Wow, that is a tough one! I think it's good that your husband acknowledged that he knows, he cares about her health, and encouraged her to quit. The fact is, though, that cigarettes are a very strong addiction. She probably won't be able to quit until she really wants to. There really is no way to make her quit. However, you can enforce rules in your house like no smoking around the house, and never in front of her younger siblings. Maybe you could talk to her about how much her siblings look up to her, and try to get her to promise not to tell them she smokes.
You are one busy lady! My mom got me to quit by showing me the wrinkles on women who smoke. She also took me down to the local hospital on a different premise and somehow arranged for me to get put in a waiting room with a woman with emphysema. That did the trick for me. Let's face it, at 16 we are all invincible and we are all vain!
A. B
I used to be a 16 yr old smoker. I thought it was a cool thing I felt like I fit in with the crowd. (sounds horrible but true of how I felt and maybe how your stepdaughter might feel) I only stopped smoking when I found out I was pregnant. Then after nursing them I started up again. Social smoker is what everyone called me. At the age of 25 I spent 7 days in the hospital because I was stressed and I smoked way to much one day and I could not breathe. Come to find out I was having an Asthma Attack (very scary thing to go through). I thought I was dying! I have not touch a cig. since then!! It scares me so much to even go through the Attacks. Yes I still have them but it is not because of me smoking. I never thought that Adults could get Asthma I thought only children got it and had it for the rest of their lives (at the time I was very uneducated about it). Get books and show her what her lungs will look like and what could happen to her. Just take her to a hospital and sit in a waiting room on a floor and you will hear all of the people gasping for air that might scare the day lights out of her. She does not have to know if they are there just because of smoking or other reasons.
Hopes it helps. I know I can never go back to it It will put me back in the hospital.
Where is she getting the cigs?
Why don't you snoop a bit and report the store or talk to the mum that's purchasing them for her. Watch who her friends are and limit them as needed. Perhaps enroll her in extracirricular activities, such as sports, where smoking is discouraged.
As for your step daughter, it is her choice to smoke. It is your choice to not let her smoke in your home, car, etc.
Just remember to pick your battles, the more hot headed either of you get, the farther apart the relationship becomes. Get a mediator if necessary, and get your husband involved.
This might be a great idea, this might sound like a horrible idea. I do know that it worked. My cousin (who was less than a year older than me) got caught smoking when we were teenagers. Her parents confronted her. They sat down to talk calmly about when she started, why she thought she saterted, and what she thought the future held for her, health, etc. At the end of the conversation they said ok, you want to be an adult, do adult things, make adult decisions; fine. They brought out a pack of cigarettes. Put them on the table. Said "smoke." Totally confused she asked what they meant. They said we want to see you be an adult and smoke. They made her smoke a pack of cigarettes one right after another right then and there in front of them. Needless to say, she got very ill after she made it through a few. She stopped after that. We thought it was funny back then, but it worked. She still doesn't smoke!
