Dealing with the Emotional Pain

While you are going through this emotional upset......single parenting is a very hard transition. Here are some ideas for working on the computer at home.

http://gooseysdream.vpweb.com/

Hope this helps!

J. Fulton

Malena,
Your pain is so raw. I would love to give you a hug. I can't, but I know who can. Do you know that God loves you so much, and that He wants to be the one you turn to with your pain? He wants to be your Father. You sounds like a mom who knows what it means to love your child so deeply. God sent His own Son, His beloved Son, to take your place. We are all born sinful and live out that sin. The sin in our hearts and lives separates us from God, who is pure. He doesn't want us to be separated from Him. That is why Jesus came and died on a cross--He who had no sin--to take the punishment that each of us deserve. If you have not already, you can belong to God simply by trusting Him to take away your sin and turning your life over to the One who loves you more than anyone else on earth. Once you give your heart to Him, He will NEVER leave you. He knows all about you already, all the deepest parts of you, and He loves you. He wants to hold you in His arms and heal your hurts and give you hope. Most importantly, He wants to give you the joy of knowing that everything you face on earth is only temporary, and you will have the promise of Heaven with Him forever and ever and ever. You don't have to be alone, Malena C.

In the Bible, Jesus tells the story of a young man who went to his father and asked for his share of the inheritance early and then went away and spent it on whatever pleased him. He squandered the wealth that his father had provided for him and ended up with nothing. He found a job tending pigs and was so hungry that he was tempted to eat the grain he fed the pigs. Then it occurred to him that in his father's house, even the servants had plenty to eat, so he began the journey back to his father, determined to ask forgiveness and to be accepted as a servant. As he neared the house, his father, who had been watching for him (he missed his son and hoped he would return, rather than being angry), saw him coming while he was a long way off. His father ran to meet him, kissed him, and had rich clothes and the ring of sonship brought and much food prepared. Jesus showed in the story how God waits for us to turn to Him. He didn't cause our pain, but He can use it to turn us to Him. When we turn to Him, He is anxiously waiting, and He will run to embrace you and make you His own. All of Heaven will celebrate, and you will be His forever.

I don't know you, Malena, but He does, and He loves you so much. He sees your heart, and He sees your little one. He created you, and He wants to heal your hurts, to lift you into His arms and hold you safe.

I agree with much of what others are saying, that the advice you are seeking is really nothing that anyone else can give you, it is all within yourself. I have no idea what your relationship was like with him, or why it ended...but I feel safe to say that him making the choice to seperate the two of you, and your family, that is not the ideal of what you want in a man. You need to remember that you are a wonderful person, so is your daughter, and the man that you let into your life should have no doubts about acknowledging any of that. Since this depression has been going on, or working up to it for a long period of time, talking to a profession might be a good idea, as you do want to put yourself together for your little one. Whenever I have been depressed about things, to the point of breaking down in front of my children, and not being as good of a mom as I knew I should be...I found that writing in a journal helped M. out a lot. I was able to put my feelings down into words, and in the process of that, was able to realize a few things that eventually had M. thinking differently, and feeling better. If you are at all religious, keep in mind that God has a plan for each of us, even when events happen in our life that we don't understand. You want a man that wants to be with you, and your daughter...you both deserve that, and God knows.
K.

My son was 3 years old when his father and I decided to divorce. It threw M. into a downward spiral that was very severe emotional and physically. At one point I lost 10 pounds in 3 days and ended up in the hospital on the verge of a mental breakdown. My parents and doctor were extremely supportive and gave M. choices. I could either continue on the way I was going and be no help to my son and possibly lose him to his father. Or I could look deep within myself and find the strength and courage it was going to take to pull myself up and to a better place that I was in before the divorce (due to problems in marriage). I had to decide what type of mother I wanted to be. I made my decision and with the help of God, a great couselor and my parents who were supportive, I made a better life for myself and my son. You have already made the decision to place your child over the selfish tendancy to wanting to stay and wallow in the misery. (Yes, it is selfish.) That is the 1st and biggest step that you had to make. Please keep your eye on the big picture at the end of this long and hard and rewarding journey: a happy, healthy, daughter who is loved by a happy, healthy, and loving mother. Remember it is easier to stay in the bad place/situation than move on into the unknown. The reason is because you do not know what is out there and how to handle it whereas you already know about the situation you are in and how to handle it. It is a long journey but the rewards are worth it. My son is now a wonderful 23 year old man who is in every way the loving and caring person I wanted him to be. His father has even came to M. and thanked M. for "raising a son he could be proud of". (His father was never around during his growing up, just my parents and I, but that is another story). You and your daughter will be in my thoughts and prayers. Remember you are not alone.

Dear Malena,
Though I will not be politically correct in saying the following, I will be speaking truth! Turning to Jesus was/is the answer. If you do not know Him, find a Bible and read the book of John in the New Testament.
Ask Him to mend your heart! He will give the lasting peace and the ability to be the great mom that you are seeking to be! :)
God bless you!
J. F.

Hi Malena,

I am sorry to hear of your troubles. I have read some of the previous responses, and I agree with some of them. The BEST thing for you to do is to cry out to Jesus! Jesus is The Comforter, and he is all the "anti-depressant" you need. In the Bible, Paul wrote "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is the Father who is full of mercy and all comfort. He comforts us every time we have trouble, so when others have trouble, we can comfort them." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4. It also says in the Bible, "Heavens and earth, be happy. Mountains, shout with joy, because the Lord comforts his people and will have pity on those who suffer." Isaiah 49:13. Jesus is there for you, waiting on you to call out to him. Philippians 4:6-7 states: "Do not worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks. And God's peace, which is so great we cannot understand it, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." So, the only thing that will definately help you get through this time is to focus on Jesus. Do it not only for yourself, but also your wonderful daughter. She sees everything, and is molded by the way you live. Also, titus2.com/corners has some great advice on different topics. You should check it out some time. I pray that God touches your heart & gives you the wisdom & guidance to live your life for Him. Please feel free to contact M. for any reason. Good luck in all, and God bless you & your family!

In Christ,

J.

His not seeing your worth does not mean you are not precious and priceless. It is his loss and you must remember that. I had to remember that a man's rejection of M. was simply his inability to recognize my worth, not a reflection of who I am. You must remember that you are beautiful, special and unique. There is no one on this planet like you. And, you must learn and remember that love goes beyond emotions. Love is not love-making or dating or saying pretty words to each other. Love is what you will learn as a mother. It's loving someone when they are not lovely, when they are not meeting your needs, it's unconditional. And, when it's between a man and a woman, it's equally special and a lot of hard work. Your daughter's father does not truly love you and you really do not love him, though in this moment, it feels a lot like you do. I hope you can understand what i'm writing. You are being emotional now. When you learn that true love means a commitment, sacrifice, and unconditional acceptance, then you will realize that what you had with your ex- was not love but infatuation, probably the first stages of love, closer to romance. Once, I was able to remove my ego from being "rejected", I could begin to heal and realize that emotions are temporary. True love is longlasting. And, when you can let go of your fantasy, bitterness, pride, and anger, then you will begin to heal. Project self-confidence, and you will attract new people in your life. But, do not try to engage a new man at this time. You need time to heal, build your self-confidence back up and really appreciate who you are and communicate your healing to your daughter. As this depression has gone on beyond a year, you might have stepped into severe depression, and being under the care of a licensed therapist would be most beneficial to your recovery, particularly if you cannot stop crying around your daughter and this is affecting your quality of life. But, remember this, never let anyone steal your peace, your joy, or your hope. You have allowed this one person entirely too much power in your life. If you do not know how to find fulfillment from within and not from your circumstances, when you meet someone else, you will once again give too much of your emotional strength to someone who may or may not be in your life for the long-run. Right now, everything can seem hopeless. But, I am much older than you now. Trust M., life gets so much better and you will heal. Sometimes, wallowing in the pain can be comforting. But, when you are addicted to the pain, you rob yourself and your daughter of the fullness of life. No human being should have that much power in your life to dictate the fullness. And, you can heal by remembering that your price is far above rubies, in spite of your mistakes, frailties or flaws. We all have made mistakes in life. Learn something from this experience, silently thank him for the precious gift of your daughter, do not repeat mistakes, and move forward to a brighter future.

it has been always hard to face a breakup. But you must thank God for giving you such a lovely little girl who needs you and who must be a stimulus for you. You have a job too a probably friends and your family. In such difficult times you need all those who love you (go out for walks with you daugher, spend time with her too, dress nice, etc.) and just keep in mind that you are a young beautiful woman who deserves happiness. Thank God for being in good health and having a loving daughter.

Dear One,

I am a mother of a daughter that has experienced your pain. She has lived with my husband and M. for 3 years, along with our six-year-old grandson, so we have been with her through the earthquake in her life.

She, like you, held out for her ex-husband to get his head out of his butt. I saw her, truly, love and sacrifice for the relationship in hopes for reconciliation. Even a couple of days ago, she mentioned that she still doesn't believe divorce is right, but she has come to realize that her worth demands that she rise from the ashes!

It hurts M. to say that the men in our society have been demasculinated and taught to be selfish. Relationships are the fallout of that kind of mindset. A "Real" man fights for what is his and does whatever it takes to protect his family, no matter what he has to change or do!!!

On the flip side, women in our society have become aggressive and self-seeking as well. So with that societal whammy against the average couple, it is a recipe for failure.

The Good News, is that no matter what you have been through or where you find yourself, there is nowhere that the Love of God cannot find you.

My sincere exhortation to you is to cry out to Jesus. He is the Only One who can fill the emptiness in your heart and life. He will give you the strength, through the joy that is in him, to face the sadness and walk through the abyss of emptiness you feel right now.

You will make it, Girl, as my daughter has, but you need a support system behind you to help carry you through this. I hope you have such a system in place.

Even if you do, it is imperative to find a GOOD church, that believes in the power of the Spirit of God to lead us. With a praying and supportive pastor and church family, you can be real and they can help you through, because we all have been in the hurting place.

I would be privileged to share my church and "Family" with you. Please don't try to tough it out alone. I will mention you to my daughter as well, so the two of you might connect.

At the end of trial comes strength. With that strength, you will raise a daughter of strength and you will be the 100% mommy you mentioned. Just the fact that you are broken at the thought of not being it, means you probably already are.

I can share more if you choose, but for now, know that others have known your pain and have made it through. YOU WILL TOO!
Simply admit to God that you need a Saviour. Ask Jesus to enter your heart and life, and to lead you into His truth about who you are and his power to be all you need. If you believe that he is the Son of God and confess it with your mouth, you are saved. Saved from Hell and the hell that you are now living through.

Here in your corner!

Cry out!

G.F.

Malena, emotional pain is as hurtful and physical pain and it takes much longer to get over, especially when you feel that you have been rejected. It makes you think that there is something wrong with you because the person you have loved and still love does not return the feeling. In addition you have the daily reminder of your relationship when you see your wonderful daughter that the two of you created.

Sometimes one person in the relationship is ready to move on before the other person is. There is nothing you can do because you are forced to move on, too. I think getting professional help is a good idea. I also recommend a strong support group of family, friends, and most importantly establishing a solid relationship with Jesus Christ. God has said put your trust in Him and not in man. God has said that He will be with us always even until the end of time and that He will never leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). You see, man (or woman) will always disappoint, but God is every faithful and He has a plan and a purpose for you (Proverbs 3:5-6). I encourage you to be in prayer for God to take the burden of pain from you so that you can be the wonderful mother your daughter is going to need and deserves (read I Peter 5:7). I pray that God will strengthen you and fortify you and be a fence all around you and your daughter all the days of your lives and that when you are healed and ready that He will send you someone who will love you unconditionally as Christ loved us (John 3:16 and John 3:34). Someone who will care for you and your daughter and be a man of God.

Most of all know that you are a child of the most high God and you can do all things through Christ which strengthens you (Philippians 4:13) and that God will supply all your needs according to His riches in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19). God has not given you a spirit of fear but of love and a strong mind (II Timothy 1:7).

The fact that you are asking the question means that your daughter is already getting a lot of your love and thought. I think that it is okay to tell her Mommy is sad, but that everything will be okay and she is a good girl. It is better for her to hear a simple explanation, than to try to figure things out on her own. If she feels alone in trying to understand, she may feel like she has done something wrong.

In terms of dealing day to day, I suggest that you get very proactive about planning your time. Buy a big pretty calendar or make one with your daughter and then - chedule, schedule, schdedule. Join a Moms Club, get into playgroups, plan trips and activities (paint pottery, plan a long stroller walk, go to storytime at the library, sign up for My Gym classes, take a music class). Try to have one kid-friendly thing set each day. Even if you wake up in a funk, promise you and her that you are going to do at least that one kid fun thing. Being active is good for you and it will ensure that her life doesn't become overrun by seeing Mommy sad.

For yourself, try to find a sitter and get out to an exercise class (or cooking class, or book club - whatever interests you). Commit to 1-2 hours per week of that "M." time. And yes, a counselor be it a therapist or a pastor or a support group, would help tremendously. You need an out let to talk about your ex and your feelings - or your daughter is at risk of hearing your anger at him. She should still idolize her dad, assuming he is around for her.

It is perfectly okay that you feel this way - it is normal. Don't try to bury those feelings. Just try to be in control of how you are handling them.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know that it might not help to hear this now, but there will be a time in the future where you will know this is for the best. You need to be with someone who is fully engaged in your life and your happinesss.

Go see your doctor! I went thru a break up several years back of a 15yr relationship- i was lost! The simplest function required tremendous effort and I cried at the drop of a pin at the most inappropriate times. I went on an anti-depression medication for a short time(almost a year). Now, I am one of those anti-Rx kinda chicks, I really prefer natural methods. BUT, the medication took off the edge of extreme OVERWHELMEDNESS. I could talk about it without being reduced to a bucket of tears-actually I could talk about lots of non related stuff without being reduced to a bucket of tears. I cannot tell you how much it helped M. just get a grip on my life- to just kick start into clearer thinking and ability to function. Talk to your medical doctor and continue your therapy. My husband & I went to a therapist and she told us we needed to separate and work on our own personal issues before we could even approach the ones we had 'together'. She was SO right. However, I never could've gotton my head together without that brief time period I had a little Rx help. It WILL get better, just don't worry about him and focus on your own issues.

My ex-husband and I split up when my son was 8 weeks old. Although it was mutual, it was the hardest year of my life. Give yourself a break - you are sad and disappointed and your world has completely flipped upside down. You are entitled to have moments where you feel crazy.
Therapy is definitely necessary if you haven't been able to pull together after the year of being split up. It will give you an outlet and you will be able to put together a plan to help move forward. Your daughter won't remember this part of her childhood but she will start soon so it's your chance to redefine your life with her. It may not be what you originally thought but you have choices now. You get to decide what happens next and who you will be. Take advantage of this opportunity and you will find that soon you are satisfied with the split (although never necessarily happy) things happen for a reason.
Hang in there and allow yourself time to grieve and give yourself the chance to build a new life. Good luck! It does get better - my son will be two next month and I'm doing much better now!

Malena, I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. I will say a prayer that you can find the strength to overcome them.

The therapist has excellent advice. Going to therapy for adjusment to this change in your life will help you learn who you are and where you need to be as well as help you get over this heartache.

Your little girl sounds like she is a caring, loving person. She had to learn that from someone, and that someone is you. She loves you, now you have to love you.

Look to your future as her mother and define yourself based on who you are as a unique human being rather than by the actions of others. You are a beautiful person, and it's his loss if he doesn't see that!

Malena,

Here's a virtual hug. I have five children, two of which was from my first marriage. My first marriage was with my high school sweetheart, we were married for 6 years. When we separated I thought my world was ending, I feared being a single mom on my own raising two children and also kept thinking I could force him to be a father and fall back in love with M.. It took two years for M. to finally realize that he wasn't going to come back after seeing him with another woman. Life is a roller coaster ride, we never know whats going to happen next. The best medicine of all is leaning on a group of moms, friends and family. If you feel a therapist is necessary, then definitely gain a support of one. Time will heal all pain, hugs and well wishes to you.

J. Z.
Independent Shaklee Distributor
www.shaklee.net/Z.
Get your FREE Healthy Kid Kit today !!

When my second marriage ended I felt the same way. I prayed and turned to my family and friends who would let M. either cry or scream when it would really get to M.. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Therapy and possibly medication. It made all the difference for M.. You have a full plate, and you are a wonderful mom. You obviously put your daughter first, and it must be so hard to try to deal with this on your own. Definitely go see a private counselor, and also ask if medication could help. I was only on antidepressants for 6 months, but they truly helped M. through a terrible breakup.

Good luck! You're going to be ok!

I was younger than you when I had my first child. Her father and I had dated for several years and throughout my whole pregnancy, but shortly after I gave birth to my daughter, we broke up. It was very difficult to be a first time mom and to have nobody to help M. through the joys and the difficult times of firstime motherhood. My dream was that I would always have someone to share that with and I thought for sure that I would always be alone b/c nobody would want a young woman with a child. I'm here, 15 years later, to tell you that just isn't true! You WILL go through heartache. That's just a part of life. Sometimes when we lose something, there is a good reason behind it - we just can't see it yet. You don't truly want to be with someone that you have to prove your worth to. He should just know it and see it and value you already. If you have to work too hard to gain his acceptance and love - he's not the right one. You just have to continue to realize that you are a wonderful person who has so much to offer. That right one will be out there when you least expect it and he will sweep you off your feet. After some heartbreak and bad relationship choices, I moved on and found a great guy who loved M. and my daughter. We were together for 3 years when he was killed in an auto accident. I thought to myself "Here I am again - alone, having lost the man I love. My life is going to be empty forever!". AGAIN, somehow - I got up, brushed myself off and was able to find love again. A year after that tragedy, I was married with a baby on the way. My husband and I are now celebrating our 5th anniversary and have a beautiful 4 year old son and 3 year old daughter together. Happiness is out there. You just have to be out there to find it or let it come to you. You can't hide away. There is someone out there to love you and your child. Your daughter's father wasn't it. That hurts, but you are strong and you have a child to care for so you have to be even stronger. Talk to your friends and family. Try not to spend too much time alone. Get out there and do stuff and when you aren't looking - love will find you. If you need to talk, I'm here. Cry when you need to - when you're daughter is napping or whatever. Try to find some time for yourself. And, of course, look at your daughter and see will make you smile.

My first husband died of brain cancer when he was 35 and I was 29. This was now eight years ago so I've come through the fog and landed on the other side. The only thing that I can suggest to get you through the really tough times is - forgive M. to those who oppose these things - Zoloft.

Absolutely work intensively with the therapist. But to get through the day-to-day, you just may need medication. You need to speak to a psychiatrist about this. I strongly urge you.

Good luck. You'll make it. Do what you need to do. You and your daughter both deserve it.

Jenny

I suffered from post partum depression & went to see a therapist. The best thing she did for M. was prescribe an antidepressant. I didn't want to take meds, but she said it would take about a year with therapy or a month with meds & did I want to waste a year getting better? The meds & therapy worked great! Within a month I was enjoying life again. Go see your doctor, there are alot of affordable antidepressants available. Also continue the therapy.
I agree with you about not crying in front of your daughter. She doesn't understand adult emotions.
You will be fine, please just call your doctor today & get well for your daughter.

Malena,
I know you've had a lot of responses and I'm adding one in too. When I read your request, I had vivid flashbacks to my younger days. In your request you described the desire for your former lover to see your worth.
The pain of a break up is similar to a death only since you have a child that links you both together, you will not be allowed the time of isolation from him that's needed to mourn the loss of the relationship.
Therapy IS the right path. I recommend finding therapist that uses a technique called cognitive therapy. Many of these theripists come from varied background, mine has a PhD in Social work. You do not need a proper psychiatrist (they can be very expensive and are very quick to put you on medications and just manage that aspect only. They don't work on changing the thinking behind your feelings).
Medications will help significantly and will give you the boost you need to find pleasure in your life but, I reccomend seeing the theripist BEFORE doing this. A trained profession SHOULD assess your needs first, they may make a recommendation to your doctor on the best medication for you.
Best wishes and good luck.

Malena,

I think that seeing a professional is a wonderful way to help you. I went thru the same thing when my daughter was 2. After 5 years of marriage, her father decided he "wasn't ready" to be a husband and father. I was devastated, to say the least, but eventually I gave in a went to counseling. It is not a sign of weakness. Just writing your post shows you are strong. The day your daughter looks at you and tells you that you're her hero for all you've done, you'll realize just how strong you've actually been. It's not easy, but it is do-able. There is someone out there who will love you the way your deserve and will love your daughter as well. I spent nearly 13 years alone and just remarried 3 years ago. My daughter is almost 18 and now I have a 2 year old daughter and 1 year old son. I know it feels like the end of the world, sweetie, but try to think of it as finishing one book and beginning an even better one! You'll get thru it, just be patient and enjoy watching your baby girl grow up to we a wonderful young woman...because of your guidance! Take care, L.

Hi Malena,

Sorry to hear you are feeling so sad.
Is there anyone you can go and visit for a week or two? After my heart was broken I found that I only began to heal when I went and stayed with my sister for a month; had a complete change of scenery for a while and my sister kept M. busy enough that I didn't have much time to think about my problems and how sad I felt. I know sometimes with work you don't have the luxury of having a month off, but maybe even a few days spent with a close friend or relative would do some good.

The other things that helped M. was a firm belief in God and that somehow He would see M. through, and also, exercising. Some days I would run and run until I was exhausted and when I got home I did feel more able to cope for the day. If you don't have anyone you can leave your daughter with then maybe you could try taking her for some long walks in the stroller.

I hope you get some good advise here and I hope you are feeling whole again soon.

L. P

You need to see your physician and get on an anti-depressent to help you through this diificult phase in life. Also you may try and find a local women's support group so you can supplement the inividual counseling with group sessions so you won't feel so alone. At least go on line and find some chat groups of other women going through what you are and you will get lots of support from others.
Good Luck
M.

I went through kind of the same situation(expect my husband's habit was getting other women pregnant)
We split one day after our son turned 1yo. I moved back to Pa with my son. My ex and I talked on the phone for 4 months trying to work things out. I had NO idea he was bonking other women on the west coast. New Year's Eve he promised to call and he didn't. I sat by the phone until 4am crying until I had no more tears left. I went to the bathroom and saw in the mirror some old, pathetic, haggard person. I was once a pretty,happy,fun person and that person was gone. I wiped my eyes and decided that I was going to find that person again. New Year's Day I got up and I was "BACK"!! I laughed, smiled, and became the woman I was before him. I got off the anti-depressants, I joined a gym, met new friends, and NEVER looked back. I did it for M. and my son. I got a great job. I met my wonderful 2nd husband and we have now been together for 7+ years. Don't get M. wrong, there were very rough times financially and emotionally but I refused to give in. I did not have a college degree and less than $900 but it worked. So grabbed your prettiest nail color and paint your toe nails, put on your cutest sandals and go for a walk with your daughter. JUST BREATH. As crazy as this sounds I also forced my self to walk with the best posture and my head up high. Just the feeling of taking control of your "outer self" will help your "inner self". ( I did cry years later when I found out he got some nasty stripper pregnant but It was from laughing so hard. )

Check out www.flylady.net
Don't get bogged down by all the e-mails initially. It's a good site for getting your house, your diet, and your emotional health together with baby steps.
I'll pray for you, and know that you can do this for your daughter and you deserve to do it for yourself as well.

Wow, I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible. I think we all know the pain of a bad break up, and I'm sure it's much worse when you add a child to the equation!
If you're feeling depressed, counseling is a very good idea. It probably won't be a magic cure for your pain, but at least it will give you some perspective on your life, and maybe help you focus on what's good (your daughter!!) and realize that with or without your ex, you are still a worthwhile person!
Do you have any family support? How about good friends? A "mommy's night out" could do wonders for your mood! Maybe join a local mom's group, even if it's a struggle to make yourself go to activities. You'll feel better having some interaction with other moms, and who knows, maybe one of them has gone through a break up and can offer advice or support??
Try to carve out some time for yourself and with the rest of your time, focus on being the best mom you can for your daughter. Show her how to be a strong, healthy woman by making up your mind to get past this! And if your ex doesn't want to be a part of your life, than he doesn't deserve you.
Just try to stay positive and know that the pain is only temporary. Chances are, you'll feel less hurt as time passes. There really is something to the saying "time heals all"!!
But above all, get out there and be with other people!!! The worst thing you can do is stay home and constantly think about what you've lost.

Have you tried getting involved in church ? I think that at this point you need God to direct you. He knows you better than anyone. If you are in need of a church to go to you will be amazed at the support you can find at mine. Its Missionary Full Gospel and the address is 9508 Chesapeake st. Norfolk 23503. Please give M. a call if you are interested ###-###-#### I can give you a ride if you need one. God Bless

Dear Malena,
Please, get the help you need, but get yourself to the doctor and get on to an antidepressant. It will take a couple of weeks to work fully, but it is completely worth it. Also, find things to do that once you accomplish them, they will make you feel good about yourself. If you can afford it, take a class at the local college. That is an incredible esteem booster. Love your little girl, and focus on her. Revel in her just being. If you do not attend church - start! There are people who will be there for you. Now that you have closure, you can start to move on and one day you'll suddenly realize you're feeling better.

Talk about deja vu! I was 27 when I had my daughter and 28 when I went through a divorce. Unfortunately, no books out there to tell you how to cope. I joined a health club and tried to relieve frustration and sadness through classes. I remember vividly sitting in the drive way of a friends house waiting for them to come out and saying to myself "I will never feel this bad again!" I unknowingly started working on M. at that point. I am 45 years old and I can honestly say - I have never felt that bad since. I took long walks with my daughter and focused on how blessed I was, how beautiful the sky was, and how it could be SO much worse. Unfortunately, no one can reach in and take away your pain, but the saying that time heals is certainly true. Keep your chin up, know that one day the pain will be a little less, and stay focused on your well being and your daughter. They truly are a blessing and they grow up SO fast. Mine is 17 and getting ready to start her senior year in high school. I will be writing in to Mamasource when she starts off to college! Good luck to you and strive to be happy - one day it will come effortlessly! :)

You have to try your best to move on and be their 100% for your daughter. She needs you more then anything and believe M. kids sense when something is wrong. The only way to get over your ex is moving on and trying to date or talk to other men. Even if it's online through a dating service or going out with a couple girlfriends. I have been in your shoes and it's not fun at all but you will get through this. Good Luck and try your best to always think of positive things that outweigh the negative. It will all work out for you i'm sure.

I have not been through anything like your situation but I can attest to the wonders of seeing a therapist. I would go find a therapist you click with, keep looking until you find the right one, and if need be take the medication they give you. My sister has a lot of problems with anxiety and depression and the medication works wonders, it gives us our sister back. Try to put into doing some things for you even if its getting a pedicure or having coffee with a girlfriend. Make a point to do fun things with your daughter even when you feel bad it just might make you smile. You have the best part of that man, a beautiful daughter.

Malena;
You will get through this.
I too went through a very painful breakup from my son's father almost 4.5 year's ago. My son will be 5 next week and we are doing FINE. I too went through depression and the feeling of hopelessness. Quite honestly, it was during this dark period in my life that I did turn to God because I had tried to heal myself using alternative methods before. None had worked.
Trust M. when I tell you this - God see's everything and He will take care of this siutation.
Talking to a therapist is a good idea. You will experience help, advice, guidance, and support from those whom you least expected it.
You are not alone (as you can see). The fact that you initiated a message shows us that you are strong. NEVER give up.
God be with you.

Do you know of the FOOTSTEPS poem. It reminds us that there are times in life that are so hard to bear and that is when the Lord carries us through. I will pray for you. I feel your pain. Pour out your heart to God. AF

Malena, I am very sorry that you have to go through this. I have never experienced the pain of separation and divorce. However, I have suffered from depression for many years. A therapist is and would be a blessing for you. Also, I just wanted to comment on the crying in front of your 2 year old. Yes, it is terrible to break down in front of your children. They don't understand. That is what my mother tells M.. However, God gave us these emotions and for some reason this world has made people think that crying is a bad thing. I do not agree with this world when it comes to crying. I have for the longest time been unable to cry and it hurts worse. Your daughter will be a much more compassionate, tender, and loving girl if she can comfort you. They are angels sent to love us as much as we love them. You will know when you can and cannot cry in front of her. She may not understand what you are going through but by showing her it is okay to cry, you are also showing her how to love and comfort someone and not be a cold person. I will pray for you and your little girl, and also your husband. God Bless and Keep you always.

Love is never easy especially when your still inlove w/ the other person and they do not feel the same way. I discovered it was a multitude of things as well asjust feeling rejected and not good enough. Come to find out ut was the best thing ever. I did not have a child w/ the person altough we cane close. He made it clear he was not ready to be a father so I did the unthinkable. He now has 3 children and is miserable w/ his wife. (I am still very close w/ his family). I have a wonderful new hubby and 2 adorable boys. I am so thankful the way things turned out. But it took what seems like forever and alot of therapy to finally realize he didn't deserve M. and not wondering why I wasn't good enough for him. If your interested I have the name of a wonderful lady, she is a counselor not really a therapist but they all seem the same only some are able to prescribe meds. If you do get on some do some research first because they have side effects! Paxil made M. listless and gave M. "waves" in my head, some others area ddicting, but sometimes you need something just to get through the day. If you would like the name of the lady I went to she is in Norther VA, West Springfield area and I absolutly love her. Even when M. and my new hubby were going through a rough patch we went to see her. So if you are intrerested let M. know. It's going to be rough and the only thing I can tell you is time heals everything. I didn't date for 2 years after my breakup, then when I did it seemed like I only found losers from hell. Finally when I was about to give up again I found my hubby in the parking lot of a Redskins game. Its been 4 1/2 years now and I couldn't imagine my life w/ out him. The best thing you can do is put on the best face ever especially when you seem him. Men hate nothing more than when a women plays "poor M." but if you make him think you are doing better than ever it will put a crink in his ego! trust M. on that one. My ex actually showed up in the middle of the night one night to try to "hook up" when his girl was 4 mths prego! the audacity I couldn't believe it. I think it was just because he heard how good I was doing w/ out him. I kicked him out and I made sure that everytime I did see him, which was usually at one of his family members funerals unfortunalty, I made sure I looked smoking hot and held my head up.
You have to be strong for your daughter, you don't want her thinking that only a man can bring happiness. Do as much as possible to keep your mind off of him and focus on her and yourself! You are stronger and better than he will ever be!

I know it's hard, but you really have to make a decision to be there for your daughter. Happiness comes from inside you. You have to choose what's right for your daughter every day, every minute, right? Try small steps... smiling as much as you can. Laugh out loud when she does something funny... you'd be amazed at how that helps. She'll laugh, and that should make you laugh some more... it's wonderful. A therapist might help talk you through your emotions, but in the end, you are the only one with the power. Don't let your ex have that power. He can take a lot from you, and I'm sure you feel really terrible right now. Those feelings are real, and you need to work through them, but she also needs you to be present when you're together.

The last thing you need is another man. You need to remember how it feels to rely on yourself and enjoy your own company. Are you fun to be around? Were you fun to be around before? Clearly, you need to get back to "normal" (whatever THAT is) :) for your little one. Two can be a challenging age, but it can also be hilarious, endearing, empowering... she looks up to you. She's learning from you all the time. Make sure what she's learning will help her make the right decisions in her life. Overcoming adversity is an important tool. Show her how it's done. Believe in yourself, enjoy yourself, and the wonderful gift that is your daughter.

You might also try getting a babysitter for some help around the house... if you're feeling overwhelmed, you might just need a "mommy's helper" type of kid... a younger babysitter who is there to play with your daughter while you're still at home, getting things done, taking a nap, reading a book, whatever you might need. Take care of yourself - get enough sleep, eat right, exercise, - you are worth it, and you'll present a happier mommy for that sweet girl.

Hi Malena,

Get into a support group for moms. Take up some college courses. If you have had alcoholism in your family, contact an Al-Anon support group in your area:

www.al-anon.alateen.org

A Therapist: Dr. Richard D. Huey, LPC at ###-###-####

Resource for information:
www.kidspriorityone.org or ###-###-####

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

Blessings to you Malena. There's not much anyone can say that will change your mind about being hurt and sad over the break up, only you can do that. I've been there..3 times! In looking back, I can see that when I chose to love and value my self more than what happened to M., that's when the transformation took place. Everything you need is within you, find a better feeling place, however small and start there...then a better feeling place and a better and a better, until you are smiling, happy and thankful for all that you are! I know that as long as I held on so tightly to the old relationship, the longer it took M. to feel good and attract a new one!

The best thing you can do for your child (and yourself) is to love their father, let it go, then move on to bigger and better!

Much love and strength to you!

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are not alone! A year ago I caught my husband of 6 years cheating on M., so I left him. The worse part was that we had a 2year old son. (Who is turning 3 this month) I can relate to everything you said, although I left him, the pain is still horrible.
I highly recommend therapy and an anti-depressant called Effexor. I have been on it now for about 10 months and thank God for it. I have been so depressed at times I was afraid of what I might do. My therapist calls it situational depression. Effexor is a great drug that has had no side effects on M.. It has given M. back my energy, made M. feel normal again, and even help with weight loss. I still have my sad moments, but they are only moments not weeks of uncontrolable sadness now. My divorce will be final in February and my doctor told M. that she wants M. off of them by April. I have no intentions of staying on pills the rest of my life, so I am looking forward to getting off of them. But I can not stress enough how this has helped M.. I have been a better mommy and a better person during this rough time.
Keep one more thing in mind, EVERYTHING happens for a reason. It may not seem so now, but maybe God has a better man out there for you. If you don't mind I want to write you a short story that might help change your perspective. I was in love with this man and would have litterally given my right arm if he would be with M.. He just wouldn't. I kept praying and hoping and even tried some manipulating to make him change his mind. Nothing worked. I met someone else more wonderful and was truly happy. This person suited M. far better than the other. Now all these years later I find that I am now free to date and the man I loved and wouldn't be with M. is now also free to date. When he asked M. out I looked at him and thought, he is so not my type. I have outgrown him. Now think if he had dated M. and we got married, I would have outgown him years ago.
I know it is not the same because you have a child with this man, but keep in mind if he can't see your value now, he never will. Do you really want to be with someone like that? We all deserve to be loved, respected, and valued. Not to mention treated well.
Hang in there and remember that you got a beautiful baby from the union. That is more than most people get.
C. Hartman

My husband left M. for someone else when our son was four months old, so I recognise so much of what you wrote. Yes, it is hell, but it will NOT last forever. My best friend has a fridge magnet (what a place to get inspiration, eh?!) that says, "When you're going through hell, keep going" -- and it has a point. I remember so well what it was like to have to get up every morning and face another day, and it's as tough as anything. But if you can get through one day, you can get through the next. Honestly.

I found I "kept going" by taking all the help that was offered. Friends, family, therapy -- the lot. Let people help. Let people listen. Yes, they won't be there in the middle of night necessarily, when it's really hard, but then call them the next morning. Keep going.

You have a beautiful daughter who loves her mom. And that's so important. You look after her, but you need other people to look after you.

Things will get better, even if it doesn't seem that way at the moment. Every night you put your daughter to bed, you've done something absolutely amazing -- you've got both of you through another day, safe and well.

Let the people who love you look after you. You have plenty to do looking after your daughter. And do try therapy, too. Talk through it all with someone objective, someone outside the situation, someone who can guide you through what you're dealing with right now.

Take care. And keep going. x