Dear Moms - Need Advice on 3 Yr Old Potty Training and Bedtime Battles

Positive reinforcement for the poo poo issue - and listen to you pedi., don't get frustrated. Get a poo poo chart and allow him to earn stickers by not poo pooing at night and double stickers when he poo poo's in the potty. Incent him with something really spectacular if he earns a certain number of stickers. Also, if he is potty trained he doesn't need to wear diapers at night, that tells him it is ok or it's no big deal. Get a mattress cover, you may have some messes at first but get rid of the diapers. Same thing with the bed time issue for both kids (positive reinforcement) but you should also have some discipline incorporated into this because they are being disobedient by not staying in bed when they are told to, maybe take away the cartoons for a night. Hope this helps!

nix the TV watching-- if they can't stay in bed then no stories either...
make a incentive chart and after 3 days in a row of NOT getting out-of-bed then they get to pick out a DVD at blockbuster or a small treat... good luck!

Dear Michelle,

The most important thing I know for potty training is that only you know your child and what is right for him. The other thing is that this in no way reflects poorly on you or your child. I felt like I was the worst mother in the entire world, and could feel myself getting very frustrated with my son. Once I let go of my own expectations and stop comparing it to my friends' experiences, it was a lot easier. I also learned along the way that this is MUCH more common than you think (especially in boys!) and no one really talks about it.

We had a TERRIBLE time with BM training with my son. Turns out he was horribly constipated and didn't want to go. Miralax solved that problem (work with your ped to determine dosing). From there, we let our son know that when he had to have a BM he should come find us. We'd give him a pull-up but made sure he went into the bathroom for privacy and clean-up. We did this for about three weeks, and then went to the store together and picked something special. Similar to the "poop bear," he got to play with it when he was successful but had NO repercussions except to help clean up his pull-up when he had a BM in it. It took about three months, but this seemed to work for us. Do a web search on encoprensis and you'll find TONS of ideas.

As for your twins, I know my other friends have had similar situations. All of them found the section in "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" very informative and effective.

Good luck, S.

M.,

I am of the same generation as your mom, probably. My children were born between 1982 and 1988. My youngest was like your son. He would pee in the potty, but would not have a BM. He did that in his underwear. We had him at home, between my husband and me, so he didn't have any peer pressure. We enrolled him in a day care program, and he was trained within a couple of weeks. The other children embarrassed him into fully training.

I agree with Janie's post. I don't know why there's such a rush for parents now to be friends with their children, or to offer "rewards" or to talk to the children. Children have rules. They disobey and they should be punished. Tell your children that it's bedtime, and if they get up you will _______. You need to make it an immediate consequence (like a spanking or removing their bedtime sleep toy) - nothing that you will do later. They will forget, and so will you. Then DO IT. No need to explain. You are the parent. I can tell you that your children will respond. When you impose expectations and consequences, and follow through, your children WILL mind you better.

Good luck.

Often during the potty training months a child will hold in his poop, for any number of reasons. It is easy for it to stretch out the rectum. Then he probably feel the urges; maybe this is why it is coming out when he relaxes at night? You can check for this problem by sticking a gloved finger up his rectum to feel for poop. If you feel a load of poop, then this is what the problem is. The rectum is not for storing poop, it is for passing it. If this is the problem, you can start him on Miralax everyday for 6 to 8 months, as this will allow his rectum to shrink back down to size. His poop needs to stay the consistency of soft serve icecream. I just took my 3 year old daughter to a Gastrointestinal doctor to find this out; if you would rather hear this info straight from him, his name is Dr. John Baker (Plano and Grapevine) Feel free to email me, if you would like more information on what the doctor told me.

Dear M.
I recently went through this "potty battle" with my 3.5 yr old son. He would not poopoo in the potty at all. AfterI had my daughter last year, we started trying to potty train my then 2.5 year old and he wanted no part of it. So we eased off the subject for a while. Then when he reached 3yo we started again, and he would wee-wee in the potty but would poopoo in his diaper. Then I remembered a trick we used on my older son (now 6yo) I packed away all of his hot wheels and after each successful "potty", I would return his choice of hot wheel. I could'nt believe how fast he trained after this.
Unfortunatly, this method did not work for this child. For 3 months we battled over this and he would tell us that he wanted to "always wear diapers"....so I took him out of diapers and used pull-ups, and offered a reward of 20 mins. of Computer Time (w/pbskids.org) in no time at all he was wanting to poopoo in the potty. It is an extremely frustrating time for everyone involved, ( I've got one more child to potty train, and I'm done) But before you know it, this time will be just a memory.
Now for the bed time situation...I need help there as well.
Mine wont stay in their own beds at night. We put them to bed around 8pm-8:30 and every morning we awake to my two younger boys (3.5 & 6yo) on the floor at the foot of our bed. Good Luck
D.

well, i think you can take one of two routes with the bowel issues. one route is to accept that he's not ready and stop pushing it. the second route is to not put him in diapers at night, buy a waterproof mattress pad and tell him "no more diapers". me personally, potty training is terribly overrated and not worth the battles. i have MANY friends that have "potty trained" their kids and struggle with daily accidents, still use diapers at naptime and bedtime, etc. - to me, that's not potty trained. my son was 3.5, but he potty trained in ONE DAY b/c HE was ready - i NEVER put him in a diaper/pullup again and he NEVER had an accident. now, i realize that i got WAY lucky on that - but just my personal experience. my other son will be 3 on monday, and we have broken out the potty three times, he's not interested, so i will wait - i'd rather clean a diaper than scrub my carpets, the beds, or the carseats!

i'm at a loss on your second issue. all i can suggest is be firm, which it sounds like you are. i kept doorknob covers on my oldest son's room til he was almost five - i did not want him able to wander the house at night and in the event of a fire, i didn't want him getting out of his room and "hiding" where we couldn't find him. i still have doorknob covers on my little one's room. since they're used to being able to get out, that may freak your two out. idk, i would think it's a phase that will end sometime soon? are they mature enough to understand a reward system? maybe a simple chart and the next morning they get to put a sticker on it if they stay in their rooms?

good luck! parenting is all about trial and error and what worked for me may not work for you - the advice i'm giving is not to judge, just to tell you what i've experienced and hope it helps!

You've gotten so many responses I'll be quick. The potty training thing...I'd just give it time. He'll do it. I have 2 boys and they trained very differently and about 4-6 months different age wise. The other 'issue'...mine did this, too! One thing that I read that helped was no TV or video games (any screens at all) for the hour before bedtime. The article I read stated that TV stimulates a part in their brain that basically wakes them up. So our bath and bedtime routines were pretty much useless for calming them down if they watched TV. Also, just try to have absolutely NO reaction when putting them back in bed. I'd guess they just love the attention and fun of getting you all wound up so don't give them the satisfaction ;). Good Luck to you! I have only 1 3yr old and can't imagine the 'fun' you have w/2!! (don't worry about the potty training - he'll get it in his own time)

I don't have any advice on the potty issue but I can tell you what worked for my oldest staying in bed when she was about three. I started laying down consequences - I found that taking tv time away from her worked best but whatever gets your kids attention. Every time she got out of bed, she lost 30 minutes (and she didn't get much at that time so it was a big deal). She learned pretty quickly to stay in bed. The only problem was that we let her get up to go potty. So pretty soon she was coming out OVER and OVER and OVER to go potty. It was hard to determine which time was real and which one was a fake 'cause she'd potty every time.

So what I did was give her tickets. She got three tickets and she had to use one every time she went to the bathroom (I made her leave it on the counter, I always told her that we didn't need to see her because if she didn't get to come see us that took the appeal away). If she got up after using all her tickets she got punished. If she had two or three tickets left in the morning she got a small reward, or if she just had one nothing happened. I should note that we had minor night-time potty issues so I was worried that she'd hold it and end up wetting the bed if I didn't give her a little bit of leway. But also, if she got up for any other reason she got an immediate spanking. It just took one spanking for her to know we were serious.

Just take it one step at a time and let them know you are serious. Mine is now 6 and does great at staying in bed. We hear her go potty from time to time but it is never a battle anymore and I don't have to mess with rewards or consequences. And God bless you for raising twins. As a twin myself I know how hard it was on my mom, especially when we were little!

M., First or all I am curious about the other twin and why they do not share the same room? Also I have been puzzled as too when potty training became so difficult for the last and current generation. Go ahead and scream and say,who the hell is this woman? Hey, life is more stressful than when I had my kids ( 1979 and 1983) but it is still just the same and love and listening to your own heart and what you know is right is really all you need. Trust your self.

Dear M.

My sister gave me the best words of wisdom on the potty training issue. "Do you know any healthy adults that poopy in their pants on a nightly basis?" I bet that answer is "NO!"

Relax, if he is pooping in his diaper nightly his bowels are moving so you don't have to worry about anything physical being wrong,if you're in doubt take him to the Dr.

Think of it as a control issue. As a child he has no control over anything in his life. We control everything; what they eat, when they eat, what they wear, when to go to bed, when to play etc. Finally, here is something he CAN control. Try to give him some control over issues that affect him, that may help him feel more relaxed in turn.

Set him up to win. Perhaps you can allow him to choose the time he goes to the potty. Don't reprimand him if he doesn't have a bowel movement. Just say its OK and we'll try again later. Give him a warm bath after a meal and try the potty then. The warmth helps them relax and he's more likely to be successful. I remember giving my twins lots of fruits and Kefir after a big meal. For some reason that always got them to go if followed by a warm bath.

I hope this helps. I do know that when I let go of the potty issue my twins boys both started going more on their own. One of them seemed to have an "Aha" moment when he realized that it was easier for him to just poopy than to struggle to hold it all the time. He never poopied in his diaper again. The other one continued to poopy in his diaper at night but slowly became more aware of it and started to dislike it. I would comfort him and remind him that if he poopied during the day he wouldn't be crying now. They didn't set any speed records for potty training, but our lives where so much better when it wasn't a focus.

As for the night time thing I'm not sure I have any advice other than get rid of the TV. It sounds like you're doing everything else. Try the reward system, it has helped me alot in getting my twins to behave. They think its a game at this point so don't engage. Be all business; get them back to bed no extra kisses, hugs, or snuggles. My twins are 4 and share a bedroom and at times I do have to threaten with time out or to take a toy away. I also found that they'll go to sleep sooner if their room is darker, just one little night light.

Good luck!

Hi, can't help with the pottin training as \I have a daughter.
Regarding the bedtime routine, it is a great routine, really. I think the only thing you are missing isa consequense for getting out of bed. This worked wonders for us. We use the time out the first time she gets out of bed, and then if she gets out again we use the wooden spoon. It worked wonders, I think we only used the spoon once. You have to talk to him, let him know there will be consequences, and which ones they will be, and then stick to your word. You'll see they will know you mean business.
Good luck!

Well, with my first set of twins, I had the same problem with the potty training. I tend to agree with one of the other posts; which is that kids are ready when they are ready. I took my twins to the store and let them pick out a special toy; they picked Care Bears. I called them the "Poopy Bears." When they went poopy in the potty, they got to play with the bears. When they did not go poopy in the potty, the bear went up in the closet, but would surely come back down the next time they went poopy in the potty. It worked for us; the girls were very competitive and very motivated to get their hands on that bear. You should check with your pediatrician though and make sure your son is not constipated or anything; perhaps it hurts to go poopy and he is scared of going in the potty. That happened with one of my girls. We treated with Miralax and that helped to get her to go a bit more regular. On the bed thing, I just accepted that life with twins is a little different. When I put my children to bed at that age, i would stay in the room until they went to sleep. No talking; I was just there to keep them from getting out of bed and playing with each other. Eventually they were older and we could threaten time out etc; then we gradually started leaving the room; staying for a while then cutting it back a little at a time. Good luck and enjoy your twins. Could be worse; you could have a second set of twins to deal with.

at 3 children understand what it means to obey and to stay in bed. I would suggest giving them a consequence for getting out of bed. good luck.

Well, no great advice on the potty training, but I am curious if they still take a nap during the day? If so, it could be part of why they are struggling to go to bed at 8:00. Another thing I am realizing is that when the weather turns, we spend less time outside, and I find my little ones to be less run down. I have to focus on getting them outside when I can, taking them to a play place, or doing some energy zapping moves at home..ie..dancing, jumping, etc. Finally, I dont know if it would work for you, but my two daughters share a room, and I put one to bed at 8 and the other to bed a bit later. If they are alone, they tend to fall asleep, but together, those two could go on forever!! I agree that moving tv time around may help! Could they watch it before bath instead? While I understand that a bit more discipline could help here, it really could be that they are just not that tired. I might even try moving bed time to 8:30 and see if that solves it some. Sorry for your struggles, I know it is frustrating!! ~A.~