Death of a Grandparent

G., I lost my sweetheart of 34 years four years ago at the age of 54. One of our sons was his care provider at our home while I was at work and he'd bring his two daughters to the house with him. One was a newborn and the other 5 years. I worried about the 5 year old as she was grandpa's helper. He had ALS so he spent many months in bed and she helped him do many things that he couldn't do for himself. Most important she was there to talk to him and they had a fabulous relationship. She could see day to day grandpa was getting worse and we explained that he was getting ready to go to heaven and live with God. She was told he didn't want to leave us because he loved us very much but God needed him. We told her that in heaven grandpa would be able to walk again, he wouldn't hurt and that someday we'd all be able to be with one another again. When he passed our hospice nurse was there for all of us and they had a special book just for Kayla. Kayla asked to see grandpa one more time before they took his body from the bedroom. Her mom went in the room with her and sat beside her. Kayla sat there for awhile, touched him and said goodbye. There were tears and there are still tears from time to time but for a barely 5 yo I was amazed at how well she did. She was prepared, knew it was going to happen, asked questions that we answered and has wonderful memories of a grandpa that adored her.

Each child is different. Talk to her now so she has time to think about things and ask questions. It also depends on your own religious beliefs. How is your mom handling the situation? My husband was able to talk to Kayla and tell her himself that he understood what was going to happen. He never made her feel like death was a bad thing and he was amazing accepting of what was going on. I think that helped all of us during a very difficult transition. It wasn't easy but it wasn't frightening either.

One thing I did was to make a handprint of grandpa for each of the grandchildren. I got finger paint, they picked their own color, and grandpa did a handprint next to theirs. So each still has a visual reminder of a grandpa who loved them.

Take care of yourself too. Tears will flow and that's OK. Help one another during this difficult time and leave the lines of communication open. God bless you all.

A toddler really just won't understand. Keep it very simple and depending on your spiritual beliefs, you can let him know that he can always talk to her in his head/mind. When she does pass and he wants to call her I would let him to pretend to call her so he can still feel that connection to her. You can let him know that she will always be with him but he won't be able to see her.

I work for San Diego Hospice. If he does, in fact, have a really tough time, I would check in your area if there are programs through your hospice that cater specifically to children. Often they are free and the services provided are a wonderful resource for children (and adults alike.)

Jen

I just had my Grandma pass last week, my daughters great-grandma, she wasnt as attached as your son seems to be, but I simply told her that she went to Heaven and when she asked me if she was coming back I told her no she isnt, that she went to the best place she could go. The conversation kinda stopped there since she isnt old enough to understand. But I thought about having a picture available she could talk to or to teach her to pray and that prayers are heard. There may even be a kids book to help explain. It really depends on your child and how you feel about telling the absolute truth about what happened. I feel for your situation as my Grandma passed from cancer. I wish the best for you in this difficult time.

After losing my grandmother, my 4 year old became obsessed about death. She asked about it constantly. Be very clear with your child, so that they are not thinking they will die. Explain the sickness is not a regular sickness, like a cold or flu. I bought a book from Scholastic Books called, "A place in my heart" (childrens book) and it has really helped her understand. We encourage her to draw pictures of what heaven looks like, and talk a lot about how we will meet again someday. Another book is called "If Jesus came to visit me" and it talks about if he came to visit, the child would ask how Grandma is, and if she has made friends in Heaven. Very sweet, and makes it seem very real.

Hi G.,

Talk with a local hospice counselor because there are new ideas about what works with very young children. Also, they'll help you put it in words that a young child can understand and they will help you understand how young children display grief, which is not how adult do. A hospice counselor would also be helpful for you and the rest of your family. They are free.

V.

Hi G.
Hugs to you. I am so sorry that you are facing this.

As far as what to tell your son, something simple, like "her heart stopped beating and she died." can work for children his age. Try to avoid vague answers like 'she went to sleep' or 'she was sick', because that can cause a little one to fear going to bed at night or catching a cold.

This is how I explain it to my 3 yo DD. I also talk about heaven-and that grandpa lives there with Jesus. I'm not sure how much of that she can really process. She seems ok with the "heart stopped beating" part. And then I say that OUR hearts are real strong and they will not stop beating. That seems to be enough for a 3 year old. When she's older and developmentally more mature, I can give her more details.

I am so sorry. The loss of a parent is (or any loved one) is so devastating. I liken it to walking through fire. You will make it through the fire.

E.

G.,

Let me start by saying I am so sorry for your family. I know the struggle of having an ill parent. I lost my mother 4 years ago just two months after giving birth to my youngest daughter. At the time my oldest daughter was 9. I was my mother's care giver during the night and my dad was her caregiver during the day. My daughter was so close to my mother. We lived with them. She was older, but I think this will still hold true with your son. If you believe in God, heaven is a good place to start talking about. Show them other things that die, like flowers and such. Tell them that heaven is a happy place where families get to be together some day. Be honest with him, but whatever you do don't tell him she just fell asleep. He will get scared of going to sleep.

A side note, my stepdaughter died last year in a car accident. My girls were devestated. She didn't live in our home, but they were very attached to her. I made a book for my girls of pictures of their Sissie Nina. Whenever they are missing her we get out the book and remember what we were doing when those pics were taken. Another idea...your mom could make him a video so when he misses Mama, he can watch her on tv. She could sing him songs or tell him stories. This way he will never forget what she looks like or how she sounds.

My prayers are with you and your family. Don't forget to handle your feelings too. As the time goes on, you will have a lot of emotional rollercoasters ahead.

Hello, G.,

You may not have to let go of "Ma Ma" just yet. We've worked with many individuals who have reversed their cancers even in "Stage 4". Please contact me if you would like to learn more. If your mom is ready to transition, then you would let her. But if she has the desire to be here still, please know that help is here if you would like it.

My very best,

T.

Can she make some video recordings for him? Maybe some tapes of her reading a book? Does your child understand about Heaven and God? Do you have a faith that you can explain to him so he has a destination in mind? When a child has even a small understanding of life (or not) after death they can see an ending. Tough call, Good Luck.

Hi G.,

Sorry to hear about your Mom. It must be hard for you also to adjust to the news. Let me tell you a story from my elderly aunt. Before she passe away, she and my daughter (a toddler then) had a super relationship. My aunt loved gardening (flowers) and passed that love on to many of us in several generations. Anyway, my daughter seemed sad whenever an old dead flower had to be snipped from the bush. As young as she was my aunt taught her about the life cycle and how we are all interdependent upon one another. She explained that if the old ones weren't "laid to rest", then new baby buds couldn't develop and grow. How the plant could not sustain so much old growth and still be healthy for the new growth. So consequentially, we also must pass from our bush (the Earth) to live with our Heavenly Father to make room for new buds (the next generation). She promised my daughter that they would have many more good times in the Heavenly Garden when the time was right. My daughter has always had a very profound outlook upon people passing and has actually helped other young people during their time of bereavement. You see, my daughter has already seen more than her share of loved ones passing for all of her 18 years her on Earth. She has said good-bye to her Nana, Father, Grandfather, two great-aunts and a great-uncle that she was very fond of. So as a final note to you, perhaps your Mother and son have something like frogs, bugs, wiggly worms, birds in common that you could use as his example. God Bless you with this adjustment to your lives.

M.

Hi G., I wouldn't use the word passes away, I would just tell him grandma, is visiting God right now. My mom dies 3 years ago, and it hit my middle son very hard, he was my moms favorite out all all her grandkids and he knew it. You can explain to him later at a age he will understand. Sorry to hear about your mom. J.

G.,
My Grandmother passed away about a year and a half ago from Gal Bladdder cancer (very rare). My son was almost 3 at the time and super attached to Great Grandma. She was in the delivery room when he was born and she was around him almost every day. He loved her and I won't lie, it was very hard to keep it together for him and watch her go. I was also 3 months pregnant with our daughter in the midst of all of this. The things that helped the most were taking him every day to be with her even when she was on Morphine drip. They would lay in bed together and play Legos or read. I never told him that she was going to die because I wanted to have wonderful memories of his Great Grandma. She passed away 2 months and 1 day after her diagnosis and I took my son to her funeral ( the casket was closed). I felt as to not hide anything from him was best because someday he will have to deal with death either with a friend, family member or a pet. He talks about her all the time and we talk openly about her showing him pictures of the two of them together and telling him that she is in Heaven and we will get to see her again someday. That she is watching him and loves him very much. We explain that she needed a rest. We also have a dog that passed away not long after she did and we tell him that Grandma and "Boogie Dog" are together, taking care of each other.
There isn't anything that can take the pain out of the situation but talking about all the great and special family memories helps alot. You can buy a journal and have your mom write some things to your son and daughter that you can share with them whenever they miss her. Sorry never heals the wound but my deepest thoughts are with your family.

G.,
I am at a loss, I just wanted to say I am so sorry about your mom. You are obviously a wonderful mommy to be thinking about your child right now over your own feelings. I just wanted to say I am sorry.

Every child is different. My mother has passed away 1 1/2 years ago and I had to make a dicision rather to let him see her in the coffin or not. I thought about it and knowing my son, who was just turned 3, to see her and then had to explain to him that she is now in heaven. My son to this day tell you that Grandma is dead and is in heaven. His Grandfather, of he father's side had passed away before my son was borned. My son asked me about him and I said, "He is dead". My son said, "You mean in heaven, right?"
So my advise is...You know your child better than anyone else. Explain it to your child in the matter that your child will understand it. If it means taking flowers to the grave and having the talk there. And, yes you may cry and there will be an explaination for those tears. Good luck and sorry for your loss.

G., we are currently going through the same thing with our son and his step grandmother. She was given less than 6 weeks to live as she also has cancer. He is a very emotionally attached child and is very tender hearted, however we also attend church and he attends sunday school. We don't hide the truth from him but have told him that heaven is a glorious place and that he will see his grandmother again someday. We have encouraged him to draw pictures of this place for her to give both of them comfort and just reinforce that it will be ok to miss her but she will be much happier where she is going. Of course none of this will stop the tears for him or for you but I know it will make it a bit easier. Your family is in our prayers, your family has been blessed to have your mother here for them to hear her stories and share memories. God Bless.
M. D.

My mom passed away last year from melenoma at the age of 54. My daughter was 2 and my son was 6 weeks when she passed. My daughter didn't understand what had happened but just knew that "Gramma" was not around anymore and mommy was really sad. We tell her she is in heaven and is now her guardian angel. I have a nephew who is 4 and that answer seemed to please him too. They still look at pictures of her, talk about her and remember as much as they can with the help of stories of how much she loved them all. As others stated, you know your child so I would go with your gut on the situation.

Hi G. i know you are going trough a hard time,my father past away of cancer they ditected it in mid september and past away in the first week of november of the same year.my daughter was three at the time and to her that was her dad she didnt know anyone else so i had a month to prepare her so i explained to her that god needed dad in heaven to take care of everyone down hear and he was going to be an angel and that we would not see him anymore she was devestated it was the worst thing that could have happend to her she did everything with him.after he passed she still need help understanding she didnt sleep good for about two weeks and thats when i decided to take her to therapy and that helped her a lot .well she is twelve know and she still misses him and writes stories about her dad.just make shure you have someone to help you help him because even though they are small they hide there feelings better than we can and thats not good.

I run a non-profit org for people with cancer, so I encounter this problem daily. The WORST thing you can do is hide cancer from a kid, regardless of their age. You need to make sure your son knows that ma-ma is sick. Prepare him, and it will be easier for everyone involved. There are many good books for all age groups, just do a search on Amazon.