Death of an Absent Biological Father

If it was me I would tell him and if he wants to go to the funeral take him. Kids process death differently than we do. But you don't want him to resent you down the road. At least if he knows that he got to make the choice to go or not he can't tell you you kept him from it.

any of those could be a good way to handle it depending on your son's disposition, and you're the only one who knows that.

please stop being yanked this way and that as to what people advise. you'll get equally disparate suggestions here, and if you listen to them all you'll make yourself crazy.

i myself would tell him, simply and in a straightforward manner. i'd encourage him to ask questions or express sorrow or confusion about NOT feeling sorrow. i'd let him know that his reactions might be complicated, or could change. i'd understand that this WILL impact him, yes, but it will only 'mess him up' if he's not permitted to process this naturally and over time.

i wouldn't hide it from him. i probably wouldn't take him to the funeral, but i don't think it would necessarily be wrong to do so if he wants to go, and if you who knows him best feels it would help him.

but the bottom line is that you know are his mother and you have the best insight into what he needs. don't be so batted about by other people's suggestions. take what's helpful and ignore the rest.
khairete
S.

I would tell him now. My oldest son's father was also completely out of the picture but I always knew that if he died and I found out before the funeral, that I would make every effort to bring him if possible and if he wanted to go. That way when he's older, he'll know that he said good-bye. Even if he wasn't an important part of your son's life, this guy did make up half of who your son is. That isn't important to him at age 5, but it will be important to him as he gets older and understands and reflects on who he is, etc.

I would also tell him, if he doesn't already know, about his half siblings. My son also has half siblings on his dad's side, one of whom lives near us. He has had no desire to meet him (my son is 20 and this half-brother is 22), but he knows. Your son won't really understand or process that part, but it will be something that he grows up knowing and not a big deal secret that gets revealed to him later. You don't have to harp on the absent part of his family, especially as you're building a new family, but you don't ever want him to think that you hid anything from him or that there is any secrecy or shame about this.

If there will be an opportunity for privacy, perhaps you can reach out to whomever is planning things to see if you can bring your son to the funeral home when there isn't a crowd there. I'm Catholic and am most familiar with Catholic traditions. Based on that experience, I know that before the wake starts, or at the funeral home before the body is transported to the church for the Mass, there are times when just a few close family members are around. That might be a good time for you to bring your son so that he can say a prayer or whatever is appropriate for your traditions and beliefs. At this age, if there is a mass and graveside service and all that, I don't think that would hold much meaning for your son and can be skipped.

Another option could be that if he'll be buried in a cemetery, that you skip the funeral events but bring some flowers and maybe have your son draw a picture or something that you can bring to the grave and leave behind.

Talk to your son and take your cues from him. If this is the first person close to him who has died, you might have to also get into an explanation of death and dying. It can be a lot for a little guy, but for something this important, he should know. And unless he strongly opposes going to the funeral or grave, I would give him the opportunity to have a final good-bye.

In most situations in life, being honest and transparent is the right choice. So I’d tell your son, take him if he’d like to go, and continue to answer any questions openly and honestly.

There's no reason not to take him to the funeral.
Your son didn't really have a bond with his bio dad - I wouldn't think the funeral would upset him much.
Since people tend to speak well of the dead he might hear some nice things about his dad.
I think if you wait till he's older to tell him - he might feel like he missed something by not attending the funeral - it's not something he can do later.
It closes a chapter in his life so he won't feel he has to look for something later on.

In a few years he probably won't remember much about the funeral - he'll just know he was there.
Most people don't remember much before the age of 7 yrs old.
You have flashes of a few things - but most of it's a blur.
That's why I don't think taking him to the funeral will cause him to have any issues about it.

I think he should be told, but I'm not sure when. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to explain why you kept it quiet.

I think taking 5-6 year olds to a funeral is tough even if they knew the person. They aren't ready for things like the open casket and mourning practices, often. Taking him for someone he didn't know is tougher still - and I do think you have to consider the feelings of those who knew the man and were part of his life. There may be plenty of people there who don't know about your son's existence, and answering the question "So, how did you know Bob" is very tough if the answer is "I'm his son." It might look like you're there to make a point, to upset your ex's current wife/significant other/family. Your son has no memories to share, and won't much be comforted by people his bio father deigned to see instead of him.

I think you can either wait for it to come it (if it does fairly soon) or bring it up. You could consider taking your son to the cemetery after a while, when the current family is not likely to be there. You can have private moments there if it would help your son.

One thing to consider is that, even if this man had lived for 30 more years, if he had no contact (or little) with your son, it would affect your child. So the funeral is, I think, the least of his problems, and might give him far more to deal with in pretending to miss someone he never knew.

Why don't you talk to a child psychologist about this? Look at all the different answers here. Why would you pick one of these answers from people who don't know you, don't know your son and aren't professionals?

It seems pretty clear that you want to do the right thing by your son because you know this is important to do right. So go get some professional help.

The funeral is not the issue. A child doesn't need to see a stranger in a coffin. Dealing with the issue of the family he doesn't know and how to help him process a dead absent father IS what is important and you can take your time dealing with it along with expert help.

He's only 5.
Since he had zero relationship with his bio dad I do not see any reason to subject him or you to the funeral.
I would not come right out and tell him his dad died either. I would wait until he actually asks you about him again and you can tell him then "Im sorry to have to tell you this but I heard your dad has passed away."
He's only FIVE, he doesnt need a bunch of info.

I would tell him now. I would also take him to the funeral. Kids are resilient and he will be okay although he probably won’t fully understand what has happened.

My son died when my daughter was a month shy of 3 years old. We took her to the funeral mass and the cemetery but she fell asleep in the car on the way to the cemetery. I let her sleep and her aunt sat in the car with her. My daughter has expressed on more than one occasion she wishes I would have woken her up. I wish I did too.

I would tell him the truth. I would also reach out and see if his siblings can be a part of his life in some way.

I agree with Diane B. I suggest you see that honoring his birth family is important. Consider that some attending the funeral may not know about his son. Your son is 5 and won't be able to understand that his birth father has died. I suggest taking him to the funeral is not necessary. He doesn't know or have a connection to his birth father. I suggest making this a big deal, like taking him to the funeral, will only confuse him and possibly cause anxiety. He thinks of his step-dad as Dad. Taking him to his birth dad's funeral, because he doesn't remember this person will be confusing.

To adults losing a Dad seems important. I suggest that since his birth dad has not been involved in his life, his death as little meaning for him at 5. He will be interested as he gets older. I doubt he'll be upset that he didn"t go to the funeral when he's older. The man is not part of his life and based on past behaviour would not have ever been part of his life. Of course he's asking questions and will ask more as he gets older.

I suggest that it's best to casually tell him he died and let him ask questions when he's ready to do so. Treat the death as just a fact. Because he's 5 and doesn't know or even remember him, I probably wouldn't tell him now. When he asks questions make telling him of his death a part of your answer.

When my parent's died, her great grandparent, my preschool granddaughter wasn't interested in any of it. She stayed with a friend of my brothers. Even when we told her they had died, she didn't understand the concept of death. When she was older she had questions. Even though she had spent time with them, their deaths weren't important to her.

Your son wants to learn about his birth father by asking questions. He won't be interested in his death at 5.

What a hard and sad situation. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
I personally think at his age, a funeral would be too much. Especially with a group of people he truly does not know.
I agree with Suz , YOU know your child. Go with your mother's instinct. While I agree you should tell him, I do not think you should take him to the funeral if you do not think it's a good idea.
On a personal note, my biological father died when I was in my 20s. He made very little effort to be part of my life. Neither did any of his family. I went to the funeral for "closure" and it was very uncomfortable. There I was, his daughter in a room of people who did know him, and were mourning him and felt completely out of place and like I did not belong.
You can talk to your son as he gets older about his Dad, and share what you see to be acceptable. Not an easy situation, I've been there. Hugs!

Updated

What a hard and sad situation. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
I personally think at his age, a funeral would be too much. Especially with a group of people he truly does not know.
I agree with Suz , YOU know your child. Go with your mother's instinct. While I agree you should tell him, I do not think you should take him to the funeral if you do not think it's a good idea.
On a personal note, my biological father died when I was in my 20s. He made very little effort to be part of my life. Neither did any of his family. I went to the funeral for "closure" and it was very uncomfortable. There I was, his daughter in a room of people who did know him, and were mourning him and felt completely out of place and like I did not belong.
You can talk to your son as he gets older about his Dad, and share what you see to be acceptable. Not an easy situation, I've been there. Hugs!