Defiant 6 Year Old

K., I hate to say this, but sometimes the apple doesn't fall from the tree.

I have no idea what kind of person you are -- but maybe if your tolerance level isn't that high, then you can't expect hers to be either. Now, if your tolerance level is very high and she's acting like that, then yes, there is some sort of outside influence, or you can attribute this to just a plain old personality factor.

K., it's hard to answer much because the post is pretty vague and has no details such as what sets both her and you off into your spirals of defiance on her side and what you call "tough love" on your side.

One red flag for me in your brief post is that you ask, "Since when does a six year old need to be concerned about" her friends and what they think and do.

The fact that you're even asking that indicates you need to get more information about your daughter's age and stage. It is VERY typical for girls around age six to be extremely into their friends, to have one "BFF" or to end up in some drama about who plays with whom or who said what about whom. You may be thinking that stuff all happens much later but it's typical for there to be a mini-stage of that drama at your daughter's age. And even if you, yourself, at that age, or your friends' kids her age, were not/are not like that -- she has her own personality and might be a very social kid who is very affected by what her friends (and "frenemies") do and say.

So I really do suggest you get some good books on child development in the five to eight year old age range, preferably focused on girls, whose social development can be very different from that of boys. She is also at an age where she is trying to assert that she is (1) no longer a "little" girl and (2) is independent of you, her mother. Hence the eye rolls and mumbles and defiance.

There is a lot you can do to get closer instead of farther apart at this point, including spending time with her that is not chore time/homework time/running to activities but is just you two; and giving her more responsibilities at home plus praise for meeting those responsibilities.

But first I'd try to see if you can calm yourself and try to step back and be more objective about your child and yourself, and drop the all-caps frustration and anger with her, and learn what she's going through developmentally. Those same books or a good talk with her school counselor can help you come up with some specific strategies too.

One part of that will be NOT giving her the "negative attention" of too much toughness and escalating punishments over anything but very real problems -- this is the age to choose battles very carefully and let other things go for now.

I've been there. You can survive and so will she but you need to know more first, and to get some emotional distance from your anger and frustration.

Welcome to my world! Wish I could say it gets easier, but right now with my daughter at age 10, not so much. This is what girls go through when growing up. They test our boundaries. You are not alone!

I read a book about 6 months ago that changed our world. It's considered christian based, but the methods explained in the book to use to communicate with a strong willed child worked PERFECTLY in our situation without being god-driven. (I've read James Dobson's, "The Strong Willed Child" and it bored me to death and his methods did not work for us as it was too god centered, and in the heat of the moment, I couldn't relate to bible passages.)

This new book taught me that what my daughter is going through is normal, but her strong willed personality takes it to the extreme. That combined with the fact that she is my polar opposite caused major problems. I learned how to communicate with her to make it appear to her that she is in control. It's worked like a charm. I recommend to anyone going through adolescence with their child, even if they're not strong willed. It explains a lot.

http://www.amazon.com/You-Cant-Make-Persuaded-Strong-Will...

She is her own person, and while you might think of it as "tough love," she might see it as control.

You have to pick your battles. You can't get upset about every little eye roll, and you can't expect obedience. You don't want obedience. You want her to learn to think for herself and to be ok making decisions without you. Very strict obedience will squelch those aspects.

Give her choices when you can. Be calm and consistent. Try not to take it personally.

I say all of these knowing that it's easy for me to say this right now while I'm at work. It's another thing entirely to remember when I'm trying desperately to get my 4 year old and 6 year old out the door in time to get my 6 year old to school! Aaaaaahhhhhhh! Somebody help me!!!

Lol, I think we have your number! Pot, this is kettle calling, you're black!

Don't worry, most of us had to back off because drama begets drama!
Instead of raising your voice, be quieter, kinder, think more, say less, act more. Make a house rules chart that has things you agree on and consequences for disobedience. Put on it things like being kind. If you have to, put yourself in time out, too. Just to regathering your thoughts and calm yourself before dealing with disobedience!
It doesn't mean she gets away with things but your communication style should change to stop excess drama. Along with the other book mentioned, try, How to talk so Kids will Listen and listen so kids will talk. See if your library has these books. If you can change this one aspect of your interactions, you will find your sweet girl again.

It would help us to answer if you could give specific examples of the behavior and how you handle it.

You can retain the sweetness. Absolutely every child, especially female, tries this. My sweet oldest daughter is now seven, and since age three she has attempted from time to time to mimic the snotty things she sees out and about-and some of it just comes naturally with no example to follow. Girls just DO IT. She was never permitted to do it though, it was nipped every time. When she was younger, it was brief warning and physical consequence if it continued, now that she's older, she can understand explanations about empathy with a threat of disciplinary action (but it rarely comes to that because we have always been consistent, and she does have a good spirit and wants to be nice). Many kids these days get away with it though and it increases greatly through teens.

Your tough love approach is great to an extent with a few check points: Keep anger out of your reaction when enforcing discipline. It's human to give a disappointed verbal reaction to her, or even angry, when she is verbally attacking you and showing a hateful attitude. But you have to remain calm to be effective in these moments. If you are not in a position to enforce, and she snaps at you rudely somewhere like the car, sure, yell back if you must (but it's just as effective to speak if you have discipline on deck) with a, "That is a really mean way to speak to me. I do not speak that way to you and if you do it again, there will be a consequence. That is very bad behavior and not nice at all." Make sure you mean it. If she does it again, make sure you enforce later, she's old enough to make the connection after the fact.

But if you ARE in a position to enforce, really make sure to be calm. I have said things to my daughter in a calm loving voice that have really stung her and nothing else was necessary. Now the most common comment I get is "She is so sweet." If I get eye level and lovingly say, "Sweetie, I understand you're frustrated and some girls act like that, but it's not nice and it's not allowed. Do I speak that way to you? Do I speak that way to anyone? Do you want to hurt people's feelings? (by this point she's practically in tears). Then DO NOT use that tone/mannerism/make that face again or I will have to _____(terrible consequence) because I love you, I know you are a nice person and I cannot let you act that way."

Again, this is hardly necessary anymore because she has never gotten away with little things unscathed past first warning so it never escalated and she knows better.

Just be diligent. She's older now, so rely mainly on respecting the fact that you know she understands, and you respect that she is mature and a good person. Don't revert to snapping back very often (you're human, but just understand the best scenario) or you're engaging in similar behavior.

Good luck, hang in there, be unwavering. All the sweet girls in my extended family were effectively disciplined for this and grew into awesome teens and ladies.