Defiant Child at 1 year...oh NO!

My sister grabs her son's arm and says, "I'm not going to let you hit me." Taking the control from him and onto her. She also tells him what he CAN hit, such as a pillow or the floor. This will pass, he has to learn to deal with his frustration. Every time my nephew chooses not to bite me (when you can tell it was his thought) I praise him for making a good choice. It's definitely rough, but only part of the age, he'll grow out of it. Take care, C.

When he pinches or hits, tell him no, then put him down and walk away for a minute or two. Then you can take care of him with some Tylenol or a nap, but don't reinforce the bad behavior with more attention.

Thankfully, there is a magic answer to this. Go to www.loveandlogic.com. It has changed my life. My almost 2 year old has nice manners after applying these principles, and only a couple months ago, she used to rule our household with her screaming and tantrums. I'm a mom of 3, and I laughed so hard when I first listened to Jim Fay's audio track. He makes it really fun and enjoyable to learn how to get kids to behave. It is the best thing to happen to me as a parent. I stopped yelling, and my kids started listening.
Sincerely,
J.

At this age when my kids hit or bit me, I would say calmly but firmly no whatever, then immediately put them down and don't make eye contact. You can pick them up after a few moments or longer depending on your child, but they will quickly get the message that you will not tolerate that behavior. With both my kids, it only took a couple of times of doing this for the behavior to stop. With my daughter it was pulling hair, and she found it really amusing if you reacted by saying ow, or whatever. It always caught me off guard, so it is hard not to react, but if you do, they will keep trying it to see if they can get that response again. Putting them down is what I have found to be the most effective. Neither of my kids liked that very much, and they always cried when I put them down. It sometimes will take them several tries, they are testing you to see if you will be consistent. My husband did the same response as me, and we had very little problem with those types of behavior. Good luck.

There is a great book called "Touchpoints" by Brazelton, that talks specifically about this issue and many others relating to "discipline" and your child. It breaks it down by age so you can really see wha tthey are working through. Good Luck

R. -
As I worked on this reply, I think I'd suggest trying the second portion (geared toward changing his nighttime sleep pattern first, and then this first (daytime) suggestion only if needed. His behavior could be all about getting himself to sleep.

I'll offer this - as it may be worth trying. When my son was closer to your own son's age, he started his first biting and I put him firmly down on the floor, said no biting (pinching) and walked away (this was before he could walk after me). If he cried and when I returned, I always said no biting and made eye contact before picking him back up for: the rest of the story, the feeding, whatever it was. If he did it again, the session with mommy was over in the same way. This was for biting behavior in the daytime.
I'd read that the time with you is much more important to the child than anything else, so it can be a very a clear message that some behavior is not acceptable.
Of course, you have to weigh it against your child's temperment, if it seems to be working or not, and of course the dreaded overuse!

I think it is VERY interesting that after you left your son alone for a few minutes, he did struggle into sleep, and because you mention that this seems to be happening at night, he may be setting up a pattern of getting to sleep and having trouble doing it. This may sound odd, by my son was very stimulated by the presence or myself or my husband, and any source of light when nighttime came. We tried the family bed and HE didn't go to sleep like he easily did when placed in his own bed and lights out. I think some kids just keep going when anything (including us) is there to bounce (or pinch) off of and keep themselves from the sleep they so need. So, maybe start experimenting with a different night time pattern exploration for him (and you). As in, if there is anything he does right before he starts to pinch, maybe that's the sign to look for, and put him down then and see if he nods off more easily.

Best of Luck,
A.

I do not have actual advice on this particular situation. However, your son reminds me of mine, who is now 2. I recently started reading How to Parent The Strongwilled Child. I recomend reading it now. I have found it very useful and wished I would have read it earlier.

DO NOT PINCH HIM. That sends a confusing message to him. First is says "mommy hurts you" and second is says "pinching is okay" because mommy does it. Don't pinch him back if he pinches you...don't bite him back, don't hit him back, etc. If you want him to stop a behavior then make sure you aren't doing it yourself (to anyone else) because kids mimic everything.

When he hits you or pinches you tell him firmly "No" while restraining his hand gently but firmly enough so he can't do it again (you don't want him to feel your anger with a death grip and you don't want to hurt him back). Let his hand go. If he does it again do the same thing-say no and restrain his hand gently so he can't do it again and walk him directly to a crib or pack n' play for a timeout. Do not give him any toys or books. Walk away. If it's bedtime just plop him in bed and that's it for the night. If this behavior is upsetting to you this is a good time to cool off. Take a few breaths, relax, remember he is just a baby who is in the process of learning what is socially acceptable, and this is just a phase. This is your precious little guy and all kids go through this in some form or another. Your job as mommy is to teach him right from wrong. Try to keep a matter-of-fact kind of attitude about it. If he is getting a rise out of you it might encourage him to do it more because one year olds are learning cause and effect.

I know he is probably driving you up the wall with this behavior. If you get very angry with him Please call someone to vent or have a neighbor come over and watch him for a few while you get some air.

Oh, if he is doing it mainly when he is tired just cut his snuggle time short and plop him in bed. He will be upset but he will eventually understand that if he wants his cuddles he has to be cuddly as well. He pinches once say no. He does it again stick him in bed and shut the door. No more snuggles, no bottle, nothing at all.

Hope this is helpful.

E.

Hi R....it has been a LONG time since I had a one year old...but I would definitely recommend Hylands Teething tablets. Hylands is a great line of homeopathic remedies for children and their teething tablets have helped to calm legions of little ones. they are herbs in a milk based tiny pill forms, that melts nearly immediately in the mouth. You should be able to find them in a health food store or online.
best of luck...
S. S

I have a very strong-willed 17 month old. Time outs work excellent for us. Just one minute in her time out place (porta crib) works wonders. Our pediatric recommended it. :-)

Hi R. - there is lots of advice here and obviously, you have to do what is best for you and your son. Here's another method that may or may not work for you guys. Our pediatrician suggested that it is too early to discipline our 1-year olds. The advice she did offer has actually worked for us though. She suggested that while 1-year olds most likely do not understand "no", what they do understand is the constant/consistent reactions. When we react to the pinching or hitting, our 1-year olds understand that they are getting some kind of reaction from you/us. She suggested that we not react, as difficult as it may be, and instead we distract with different behavior such as singing our pointing out books, toys, pictures, any other distraction. Again, I have no idea if this will work for you, but it has for us and our 1-year old rarely slaps us in the face anymore, because it does nothing for him. Best of luck!
- SH

As a family therapist here are my suggestions. Try to avoid giving the behavior attention-- we are by far and away our kids favorite toys with more bells and whistles than any video game. For the price of a whack, he gets phsycial contact with you (your holding his hand) and your undivided attention and a large reaction. Instead, I recommend a swift, non-reactive time-out. Just say, 'You know that's not OK' and send him to a corner or to his room. If he won't go, make him go, but don't get angry. Jst repeat firmly and calmly. 'Your behavior was not acceptable. You need to have a time-out.'
Good luck!

Dear R.,

I think you are on the right track with your baby boy. Be good to your 13 year old and make him feel like a SON.

Blessings...

Hi R.,
You did exactly what I would recommend. Your little guy is hitting his "terrible twos" a little early (it's normal, don't worry!). When they get tired or frustrated, they begin into a "downward spiral" of bad behavior. You did just the right thing. Tell him no. And if he continues, immediately and calmly put him by himself in a safe place to work out his own issues and calm himself down.

You'll probably find more and more in the coming months that he's going to want to try all kinds of new things, and some of them he won't be able to do well (yet). He will become frustrated, but because his verbal skills aren't so great yet, he will lash out physically. This is completely normal, but yet you also have to teach him that he needs to get himself under control without being violent toward you. Just be very consistent and give him a verbal cue that you don't like what he's doing, and then if the behavior continues, remove him from your presence for a short time (just a few minutes does the trick, as you have seen). As you take him to his "time out" space, you can just calmly tell him, "I can see you're upset. You can sit right here until you're feeling better." The thing to remember is, he's not being punished, he's just needing to be alone and pull himself together.

With my own kids I have found that this process works best when I am completely calm (even if I want to scream on the inside). My youngest acted like the Tazmanian Devil from about 13 months until she turned 3, and we went through this process several times a day. I thought she'd never grow out of it! But she finally did. The other day she announced with a scowl, "Mommy, I AM SO FRUSTRATED! I'm going to my room now." It was so funny - but hey, she finally got the verbal skills to express herself so now she doesn't need to throw a fit. Oh, happy day!

I don't know where you are spiritually but I think the first thing to do is take it to the Lord. He will lead you to your answer. I read some of the others replies. I do recommend reading a child rearing book, I am sure there are many ways to redirect the situation but as long as you are going about it with all your heart and seeking guidance you will succeed. Just remember that our creator has the best answers, he made us, he knows exactly what we need. There are great christian child rearing options. Let me know if I can furthur assist. I know the idea of incorporating God is antiquated, and I would have scoffed a few years ago but my life has been so enriched since I learned how. By the way I have am almost 1 year old boy too and he does the same thing! I think your natural motherly instincts have been great so far.
Love
T.

Another method may be to demonstrate to him what type of touching is appropriate, when he pinches or attempts to hit, in a soft voice say, "soft touch please, and then demonstrate with your hand what a soft or appropriate touch feels like..." Or say, "Ow, that hurts Mama, soft only or Mama will need to put you in your crib, and then show him the soft touch again, on his body..." It has been my experience that modeling the behavior I want to encourage or for my daughter to learn yields better results than modeling what I don't want to happen. I would also try to model these behaviors on stuffed animals or myself in situations where overtiredness and teething are not influencing behaviors.

when my girl was a similar age, and would hurt me with her hands (she really liked to pinch my other nipple while she was nursing) i would tell her "No, that hurts me." and I would put her down. This lasted a while, maybe a week or more. Each time she would hurt me I would put her down and not pick her up for at least 5 or 10 minutes. I would try to wait for a time when she wasn't actively crying. Then i would pick her up and cuddle with her again. If she would hit or pinch again it would be back to the same routine, put her down right away and pick her up a few minutes later...

R.:

A 1 year old does NOT have the impulse control yet- it may not be until he is nearly 4 that he will. In the meantime, pinching him is not the answer but redirecting can help. This is a teaching moment and don't miss the opportunity to teach your child right from wrong. By either redirecting his attention elsewhere or calmly and firmly saying no, the behavior will stop over time. He is not defiant (too young yet) but he is just testing his boundaries but you need to take the anger and your frustration out of the equation.

Good luck.

N.

R.,
I second and third the women who told you not to demonstrate bad behavior by pinching your child. Also, don't leave him alone to cry it out-- he is only one and doesn't know what he did wrong to make you abandon him. Besides, your child doesn't get enough of you already with your busy work schedule. He needs every bit of loving mommy time he can get. You should pay attention to what is happening just before he hits you. Is he just trying to get more attention from a tired or distracted mom? Or is he in pain at that moment from teething? He doesn't have many ways to communicate with you at this age-- this pinching and hitting is his attempt to communicate something to you so pay attention to him and figure it out. He might need extra cuddles at that moment. My bet is that when you get your schedule changed and have more time with him this will be a thing of the past. Your concern for your child makes it obvious that you are doing a wonderful job.

Appears you answered your own question and it worked:

"Last night alone, after several times of telling him NO with no benefit, i laid him in his crib and let him work through whatever he was going through and let him cry a bit. I went back in maybe 10 minutes later, and he was exhausted and took his bottle and went to sleep."

Your doing fine Mom -

When my daughter was about that age we started putting her in time out. It's not for a tremendously long time given their age, but if you tell them what behavior you do not like and that it is not nice, and then remove them from the situation, they start to get the picture pretty quickly. My daughter is 2 now and she is testing limits but she knows what time out is, and if she is put there, she doesn't get to come out until she apologizes and says she will be nice. For your little one it may be as little as 30 seconds. I don't recommend the crib for time out, they start associating being in trouble with going to bed. Try to make it a neutral spot and consistent. Good luck!

have you tried orajel or a frozen banana that he can gnaw on. i give my baby something frozen whether it's a fruit or a veggie to chew on and that usually satisfies her. if that doesn't work I put some orajel on a wet washcloth and put it in the freezer for a little bit and then let her chew on that. he's frustrated because he can't make himself feel better and you are his fix it and make it all better person. he's communicating to you (the only way that he knows how to)that his gums hurt. I pray that God gives you wisdom as to how to comfort your son and make his teething experience less painful.