My husband's ex from way before we met has been playing "footsy" with him concerning the paternity of her child, who is now an adult. It depresses me, because I have always had issues from childhood coming from a family of half-siblings, one who abused me as a child (they were an adult) and a confrontation with my ex's baby's mother who told me that I would always be second because she had the first-born child (which turned out to be true). I have yet to have my first child (fertility issues) and now I feel like taking a break until he gets this whole thing resolved. He's been chasing the young lady down trying to get a definitive test & answer to no avail.
I don't know how to get over this or get through this without feeling overwhelmed. I don't want to pass on anxiety by getting pregnant and having a tough time also. I feel like diving into my career and putting off motherhood. Maybe I need therapy? Any advice?
Slight update - My husband and I had a very long talk (over several days) and he's going to counseling, as am I. The child doesn't want to have anything to do with my husband, due to whatever they were told growing up. Many attempts to get in contact have lead to him being blocked via social media and telephone. His family is fed up with the ex, so we've decided to drop the subject. That's a dead end that might not ever be resolved.
Sidenote: The adult child does look like my husband's niece, but you never know. I won't speculate further for my peace of mind.
Thanks everyone for your input. I'm starting to feel better about the situation.
I would suggest therapy, yes. Especially before you consider pregnancy. Especially if you are having these feelings.
I was going to type you out this whole "you shouldn't feel overwhelmed" response and then decided *who am I to tell you how you should feel*.
SO I am going to go with....yes. You need therapy. Not in a bad way, but in a good way. Therapy helps you talk out your issues and sometimes see them from a different perspective.
Good luck to you.
I would deal with your personal issues first, before having a family.
I say that because my MIL has a lot of childhood issues, insecurities and also depression. She did not deal with it before having kids. So her kids grew up dealing with her problems. My husband felt like the parent.
You sound pretty overwhelmed as it is. I would view this as an opportunity to help myself first. I would talk to a counselor.
well, it would be a shock, for sure. so let yourself off the hook for being a bit rocked off your center.
but beyond that i see some red flags.
ultimately a child born that long before your relationship with him shouldn't really have a negative impact on your marriage, should it?
it does sound as if you have natural issues from an abusive childhood that absolutely should be worked on and worked through. you don't want to carry that baggage into your own experience as a parent, at least not in a negative fashion.
i'm not sure what to think based on what you've posted about your husband and his ex. by 'playing footsy' i assume she's being coy? not actually flirting?
when you say he's 'chasing her down' i assume he's simply looking for answers, not pursuing her romantically?
when you say 'my ex's baby's mother' you're referring to the 'young lady' who now has an adult child from your husband?
i do for sure think you should put off pregnancy until this plays out and you get some resolution. not so much because of a now-adult child coming into your lives, but because this is clearly putting you in a bad place.
therapy would probably be a good call.
khairete
S.
Please go to counseling yourself first. Then get him to go with you. Don't have a baby until you have dealt with this.
I have been through a similar situation. If you would like to chat, feel free to message me.
Welcome to mamapedia!
I'm sorry you are going through this. It's never fun or easy. There is a mom in here that experienced this. They are still married. It was tough for them though.
What does your husband say about all of this? How are the two of you handling it together?
I would seriously consider counseling for you. Don't let her words affect you - I know it's hard, but really? Why are you allowing her free rent in your head? As to fertility issues? I can honestly tell you it took us almost 4 years to get pregnant. We stopped trying. Breathe. Stop pushing so hard to be a mother. It really does stress your body out. Please don't have a baby until your martial issues are resolved. It's not fair to bring a baby into this discord.
Communicate with your husband. DO NOT allow this to get between you. She's an EX for a reason. Remember that - she's NOT with him NOW for a reason. YOU ARE. While it may have been a while? HE CHOSE YOU.
I don't understand why this is upsetting to you? It doesn't sound like she is trying to get money out of him, so that's good. If it turns out that he's this kid's father, then so be it. Lots of people marry people who have kids from previous relationships, and it usually doesn't affect whether they decide to have children or not.
What is there to "get through"? Go about your life. If your husband has an adult bio child, embrace him or her. Meanwhile, whatever you do with your own life should have absolutely nothing to do with your husband's children from previous relationships.
I don't understand why something your ex's baby mama said to you would still be affecting you. You seem to be a person who gets yourself worked up over little things, so yes, I think therapy would be a good idea.
If she's been playing games it's likely that it's not even his child and she's just wanting to make him talk to her. It's sick. But yes if he's an adult now he needs to be speaking with the supposed child and not her. She's an ex for a reason so please don't feel threatened by her. Just be supportive and know he's with you because he loves you. Try and stay calm.
Your husband has venue. He could simply go to the adult child and ask him to do DNA testing. Tell him he didn't know about him and that he'd like to find out if he's his father.
Then go from there. He doesn't have to deal with this woman ever again.
I suggest you try to let go of this. It's between him and the adult child and hopefully get rid of this woman.
But in all reality we all have exes. When we have kids with those exes we are always connected to them and have to deal with them, forever. It's something you have to work with or back out of.
Get therapy. It will help you see clearer and perhaps gain a healthier perspective on this situation.
I don't really think there is much to think about until paternity has been established. What are you waiting for? Get it done and over with and then deal with the outcome. Chances are, if this was really his child, and she is nasty, he would have know this a long time ago. Also, the child is an adult. So really, what is this woman's point? Seems to me if he's chasing her down, he's not the dad. So take some time, dive into work for a bit, thell this woman to put up or shut up and move on.
Therapy would be a great choice. This issue with your husband's ex is highly annoying, but you also have background issues that don't sound resolved and those make it hard for you to deal with the present day. These things will continue to haunt you going forward and can negatively impact your own time as a mother when you do have a child.
Your husband might consider talking to someone as well. It would drive me nuts to think I had a child out there that I didn't know about or willingly consent to give up, but he can't keep hounding an adult just because the mother is a pill.
I think you are on the right track to take a minute. Your feelings are valid and all tangled up b/c you love your husband and want a family with him. Being anxious while pregnant isn't ideal, you are absolutely correct. Your instincts look good from here, just keep working through it.
I see your issue with the first born (natural) but may I suggest you focus on the true issue which would be YOUR first born....regardless of fertility focus on your wants and kick everything out that involves others, like the ex wife and the now GROWN UP could be/would be first born child that's hers and really has minimal impact really, ya know? Yours is what YOU decide. You haven't been cheated out of anything, you just haven't chosen. Take your time.
My advice is to not worry about your husband's ex. (She sounds like a jerk...just ignore her) If the child is his then you are that child's stepmom and you will be a part of his/her life forever...you just make the best of it and try to be the best stepmom you can and be as kind and supportive as you can. Yes, he will always have a responsibility to this child and that is as it should be! I don't think that should stop you from working to fix your fertility issues and have your own child if you want to be a parent. I have a terrific relationship with both my stepsisters. We are all in our 40's and one of my stepsisters is one of my best friends in life. We really enjoy all getting together and it's nice to remember things from our childhood. Another suggestion is that you start therapy for yourself to work on your issues of being abused as a child. I think it's important you do this. PS - One of my best friends is a stepmom to two kids and over the years she has grown to love them like her own children. They are very close. They are teenagers now and you can see they really all click and love each other. If this child turns out to be your stepchild this is an opportunity for a wonderful relationship in your life. Remember that building a relationship takes time...so be patient. Ah, I just read the possible stepchild is an adult. That kind of changes things...they may never feel close to you but that is ok. Just be respectful of them (and they to you). I agree with others that therapy will be helpful for you.
