Developing Feelings for Another Man... HELP!

This whole situation sounds problematic, but what it would boil down to - for me (knowing what I know now) - is how will my children feel 5 and 10 years from now? Can you imagine how confusing that will be for them?

It may seem fine while they're little, but at some point they themselves will be struggling with what it means to be a teen or adult with sexual feelings, and how to handle them.

Please keep them in mind before all else. JMO.

i would be upset that my fiance didn't care that much that I started to like another guy, it seems there are more issues if he doesn't mind and is thinking of letting you have him "join". I'm not conservative, I'm not completely against people doing that if it suits them, but for him to not care about you having someone you actually like join in seems that his feelings aren't that strong for you.

Wow sounds to me like you need to grow up. What would you gain by sleeping with him, or having a threesome for crying out loud!! You have kids by your fiance, think about them first, not your sexual desires. And stay away from his friend. The more you guys chat by yourselves, the deeper you're going in. Be careful.

You are a very young (26) mother of two who has "been with" your fiance for NINE years. Nine years? What's the hold up? Why isn't he marrying you?

I think you're attracted to the IDEA of this other guy.
And I think your fiance is interested in a little threesome.
Who would NOT be at least a little upset if their fiance told them they were attracted to someone else?
That seems very odd to me.

I feel like im the twilight zone. Are you serious? Stop entertaining this emotional affair you are embarking upon and either work it out with your fiance or cut him loose!....If you decide to leave your fiance then you can in good conscience start a relationship with this other man, but not until then.

Also i would advise against having a paralleled relationship with your fiance and this man, OR a combined one. You are playing with fire. generally tawdry affairs and 3 ways are undertaken with someone that both peope only have a sexual attraction to. With this man you have a self confessed "connection" that is mutual.

The fact that your fiance is so casual about discussing this makes me think that ....1. he has already checked out of this relationship and wants a reason to leave you.....2.Is a complete door mat......or 3. Wants the guy as much or more than you do.

Either way the situation will end in flames and you should take time to really figure this out.

Ummm...if you have this relationship with the other guy, are you prepared for your fiance to return the favor? For instance, "Honey, I am really attracted to Susan, I think I need to give it a shot." How do you feel about that? Honestly, I would think that this is where this relationship would be headed.

I think at some point in all of our lives we feel this way towards someone else. It's the "rush" of having someone new feel attracted to us. It's empowering in it's own way. If you are young, and haven't had a lot of experience with other men, well that makes it doubly exciting for you. But, the "new" wears off, and soon you are either with a ruined marriage or relationship.

I agree with Denise, that you love the idea of this man. The looks, the walks, the chats. It's a first that you probably haven't had in a long time. You and your fiancee are so comfortable they way you are, that he no longer gives you the look, you two have probably talked about every topic there is. So with this fresh new thing comes it, it's a breath of fresh air. I see your crush as wind, he comes and he will leave quickly. If he doesn't, well you have a lot to think about. But your fiancee sounds like a good guy, I wouldn't give that up for anything.

Please believe that nothing good can come of you pursuing a relationship with this man. Only regrets. Avoid him like the plague!
Spend more time alone with your fiance to keep things strong between the 2 of you.
I wish you the best!!

For one, stop engaging in conversation with this person and do not build an emotional connection. Do not let him help with your kids and such. Tell your fiance to stop bringing him around as often. Really, he sounds like a real creep below the surface if he is flirting with his friend's fiance like this. Your fiance's lack of concern is a red flag. If you try this out, it is very, very likely it will make a much bigger mess. If you try things out pre-marraige, and it doesn't work out, will the friend still come around and be your fiance's friend? what if it does work out? WIll your fiance and you break up?

If you agree on an open relationship, how would you feel if the other guy brought in his new girlfriend, or your fiance brought in a new girlfriend. These are the things that happen down the road.... especially bringing in much confusion to your children. I wouldn't go near the guy with a 10 foot pole.

I think you are looking for people to justify that it is ok to have an open relationship or explore what could happen because you are not married yet. Well, I am afraid you aren't going to find justification from anyone that has a shred of common sense morally. Honestly, you are married and you have two children with your fiance. Make it legal and stay loyal to your family. Stay away from the other guy. He sounds like a creep and is only attracted to what he can't have. Don't let a crush ruin what you have already. Hope this helps and didn't sound too harsh.
A.

Get away from him and stay away from him, or break up with your fiance. That's all you can do, and you probably know it.

Grass is always greener...until it's not. And, it won't be.

You're committed, not dead. There was a time I had a little crush on a coworker.

However - I didn't do anything to encourage interactions beyond work-related (did not spend extra time around him at company events, for example). I also thought about myself and what I missed and what I might need to do to feel closer with DH or better about myself.

You need to remind yourself about what you have and how to get what you need from what you have vs looking elsewhere. Limit your interactions, even in public. If he is a temptation for you, then these little chats are not good.

Think about what it would really mean for you to leave your fiance, in general. Not FOR this man (because what if you did and it didn't work out?) but realistically, would you be looking to escape your relationship with your fiance if he wasn't around? If so, address those issues first. Then IF and when you are single and have given yourself time to heal this guy is still around, pursue it then. But in the meantime, don't look outside for solutions. Monitor yourself. Don't look to fiance to do it for you. And if you feel that the friend is extra flirty, make it clear that you are not available.

Maybe it's just me, but it sounds like your fiance's reaction is just playing with fire. Wonder what's going on with him to offer to bring this guy into your relationship. Is that out of character for him or typical? In my experience, love triangles rarely last long-term and with children....I wouldn't go there.

You can't have your cake and eat it too.

I would be totally upset if the man I love and respect would not care or think its' no big deal. If you are attracted to this other man and have thoughts of cheating you need to get to the heart of the issue as to why. I strongly suggest to avoid him altogether and concentrate on your man.

However, before you do tie the knot I suggest exploring your relationship because I think his point of view is disturbing..An open relationship with a threesome etc..not my thing and I think you need to think long and hard about what you want.

My advice? Do not cross the line. Men want what they cannot have. Once they have it - it loses interest to them. You are in the beautiful romantic state now - keep it going for as long as you can. If you get married and everything works out - you have an extra admirer. If something happens down the road - you have someone ready to fall on. But do not fall into his arms until then - otherwise you are in a mess you, yourself, created, and potentially, both guys will turn away from you calling you a "slut" if you show any weakness and sleep with the other guy. There are plenty of movies out there about a love triangle that goes on for years without sex. And it goes on for years because there is no sex. The guy keeps following the carrot... so to speak. Enjoy the attention :)

First of all if you are having these strong feeling for another man something is missing in the relationship you are in now. I recommend counseling for you. You need to work this out and see if you can stay with your fiance and have a good marriage with him BEFORE you walk down the aisle. He may be a great guy and you have been together a long time and have 2 kids together but doesn't mean he is 'the one'.

I don't think having a threesome is a good idea, someone is going to get hurt. You need to stay away from this other man or find him a girlfriend.

Well?

What works for one couple may be different than what works for another couple.

I know a few *happy* couples who are in open marriages. I'm not saying that it would be right for you, but it IS a possibility and *can* be healthy (it can also be unhealthy, just as monogamous relationships can be).

Check out Seattle's infamous sex columnist, Dan Savage, for a more (*ahem*) adventurous view.

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=526609

Regardless, keep communication honest and open with your fiance and with *yourself*.

I haven't read the other comments. I've only read your comments about their comments:-) Sounds like those will be interesting to read!

If I were in your shoes, and if I had a fiance, and if I was having a crush on someone else...I would consider un-fiancing myself and dating both to see which one I liked the most.

BUT since you have two kids, that would change my suggestion. It's important, for your kids sake, that you stay with their father (in my opinion). I've been through a divorce as a kid, and it's rough. Breaking up with their dad eventually wouldn't be something I'd think you'd want, especially since it sounds like you think he's a great guy.

So, I think you shouldn't pursue any sort of relationship at all with this other guy. I would do all you can to immediately stop and put an end to any possible growth of the relationship. If your man doesn't think it's a big deal, let him know that it is and that you'd like for the other guy to no longer come over when you are there.

The only solution I can see is letting your man know that he needs to spend time with his friend without it involving your family. It's very possible, and no reason it can't be done. A lot of the time I spend with my friends isn't spent around my family (not that I spend a lot of time with my friends these days!). But he can keep his friendship with his friend, just keep it distant from you. And you can keep a strong, good relationship with your fiance/children's father, and that seems like the best solution....in my distant/observing opinion:-) It seems like the best choice for your children too. And, I think it's really good that you confronted your fiance about this! So many people start living secret lives. But I definitely think you need to end it before it gets started and since you have babies with your fiance...always choose him should another guy show up.

Good luck.

You are heading for some serious trouble, and that's just an absolute fact. If you love your fiance and children, you need to have NO FURTHER CONTACT with this man. It is absolutely wrong to have "two men", it's a disgusting thought to introduce another man into your sexual life...I just can't say enough how wrong this is and how bad this will end up if you don't just cut it off. No matter what, this situation has NO HAPPY OUTCOME unless you stop seeing this man...in any context. If your husband wants to spend time with his friend, fine, but you ought to be left out of it. And of course, how good of a friend could this man be if he's hitting on you?

And it will pass...it's a crush, and it will pass. Believe me, I know. And you NEED to let it pass. This man is not the father of your children or the man you've built a life with...he's someone you see as a sex object, and maybe a person to talk to. Find a girl friend to talk to, and stay monogomous.

YOU said it yourself. How can the crush pass if he's around all the time? Well, duh, you just answered your own question. He can't be around all the time, or at all. Like I said, YOU have no further contact with him. Your husband can go hang out with him elsewhere, or ditch him. Family first.

every single couple I know who "enjoyed" an open relationship....ended up in a courtroom battling for custody over their children. Didn't matter whether they were married or not.....in relationship after relationship, it did not work.

You call the father of your children your fiancee.....if he is not all that you want, then don't marry him.

He brought this other man to your relationship....what does that say, especially since he's okay with your confession & you're toying with the idea of a 3some/affair? I say "grab the kids & run far/far away from both of the men". Peace.....

I guess I don't really understand your question.... You are falling for your SO's friend, but you love your SO & you don't want to cheat. It seems pretty obvious what the right thing to do is here. This guy is loving that he has you all aflutter, and that your SO seems to be almost encouraging it. It's just rather odd. I would think any normal man would tell his friend to back the eff off & beat it. I am not sure what to tell you, honestly.

Polyamory does work for some people...the base, to me, is a strong primary relationship. Also, I believe it is possible to love two people at the same time.

The key, for you, is to decide what you want. Logically, after 9 years with the same man, the attention of another is very flattering and validating. The fact that you can discuss this with your SO is also significant to the strength of your relationship with him.

No on can decide your path, but you. I would caution, that while you are deciding your path, you step lightly, and consider those closet to you. It is easy for a man to say he would be okay with bringing another in, but, the reality can be much more difficult to accept. Also, if you both are considering opening your relationship to his friend, boundaries, and guidelines must be set before this happens, everyone must enter into it with clear expectations and "rules" to avoid confusion. If you let one in, does your SO get to let another, female, in later? Do you define it as just a triad? How involved does the third become with your children, families, finances.

And this not to assume that this will be your decision. Because, again, it your and your SO's decision to make about the path of your relationship. Just, don't get so caught up in the sudden attraction and pheromones that you stumble blindly into something that may ruin your existing strong relationship.

Anyhoo, a couple of good resources -
http://www.unmarried.org/polyamory.html
loving more is an excellent web site

If you want the crush to pass, then distancing yourself from the other guy would help. No more walks in the woods or comfy chats, never be alone with him, don't make eye contact when he gives you that "special" look. Mostly, it is mind over matter - heck, do the standard aversion therapy, rubber band on the wrist thing, and pop the heck out of that rubber band every time you think of him. Or take the "in your face" approach and tell him that you are attracted to him, you do not want to act on it, and you need his help to get past the attraction. Letting your SO know, and having him help you, is also a good path.

Good Luck
God Bless

Is this other guy married or have an SO as well?

Im a bit concerned your fiance isnt worried. Is your fiance attracted to him?

Im not trying to be judgemental, but why has it taken this long to marry your fiance?

This is a tough situation and the "newness" of someones attention is always exciting. However you obviously have something with the fiance to last 9 years, that should count for something.

Added - AV's advice is very good, M. P.

Original:
Sounds like you have a wonderful guy and very good communication. At least everything is out in the open between you two.

Maybe talking with a counselor would help.

Watch the movie "The Big Chill". First, watch it by yourself, and then with your fiance. If that doesn't help get rid of your 'itch', I don't know what will.

Dawn

I think it is a normal response to develop some feelings for someone of the opposite sex when you begin building a friendship and realize you have a lot in common. And I think that is what is happening in your case. He is simply a close friend. You love your fiancé, have been faithful, and don't want to leave him. You were also honest with him, and he didn't freak out. To me that shows y'all have a trusting relationship and that y'all communicate well.

I don't think you are in danger of throwing away your 9 year relationship over this other guy. Just be aware that "new" can sometimes make feelings seem stronger, more intense. Those feelings fade as the friendship continues, and you are left with affection for a dear friend while your long-term intimate relationship that is built on much more continues.

Aside from bringing him into your bed potentially, I won't give you a hard time about any of this. It sounds like there are two good guys for you in this world. But given you have children with one of them, the story has to end there. It could happen that you get to know this guy more and eventually the thrill kind of wears off. I've had that with guy friends. I had a big crush on one of my good friend's ex's for years and it was at least somewhat mutual. We stayed friends though and now that we're both married, it just kind of faded. So that could happen with you guys too. Chances are high that the things he doesn't have that your fiance have will stand out more with time. WIth my friend, he's super super funny while my husband is just normal funny. Yet my friend isn't a good listener at all while my husband is. So I have some objectivity to it all. Time may give you that but at the same time, this guy is new to you. I knew my friend before my husband. So it's risky to continue down this path. Safest thing really is to start distancing yourself. There's no other real "cure" for this. Stop inviting him to events and such and don't be alone with him. If you do talk to him, talk about who he is dating. Make sure you're being buddies and don't send any other signals. Appreciate that you're in a good relationship and this is a good guy too and he should be in one as well with someone else. I think totally cutting him out is a bit tough and harsh so just change your mindset and how you interact with him. With time I think how you act become reality.

The grass is always greener.....but after you have been with this "other guy" for a few years, i bet you will be looking around for your first guy who put up with you for NINE years!

I haven't read other comments however, I feel what you are having with your fiance is probably love and what you are feeling about his friend is just infatuation. The only way to get over this dilemma is to ask yourself who you would rather NOT be without? Its your decision and seal that decision by marrying this person. Do not keep things hanging forever with an engaged relation. Being engaged means you are not committed to each and commitment is what you really need. Marry your fiance and you don't need to spend a tonne of money either. Make it plain and simple and his friend will get the message if he's trying to get advantage of your single status.

I have lots of male friends that I FEEL attraction to. I just don't ACT on it.

Hmm.... These things happen when you spend time with people. The key is honesty and openness. There is nothing wrong with having chemistry with people and feeling good around them. I think that it's great that you can share this with your SO. Assuming that this guy feels the same (?) as you, I wonder if the appearance of secrecy has anything to do with it. I don't know how close you guys feel with him, but somebody needs to let him know that you and he are not a secret item. The secrecy is fueling it. Maybe your fiance can make a joke in public about your secret crush on him...that you two are lovebirds...just something to let him know that you are not hiding anything from your fiance. That could very well change the chemistry between you to something more appropriate for long term. I think that you should also look into feeling more fulfilled in your life with your fiance. Your dynamic needs to change somehow, if you want to be monogamous.

There's no way to get over your crush as long as he is around. I'm afraid that your fiance's only option is to get rid of him as a friend. Once he's out of site for a few months, you'll get over him. Otherwise you're going to be more & more tempted to have an affair with him.

I really like Dan Savage's comments on the subject of monogamy.

"The point is that people—particularly those who value monogamy—need to understand why being monogamous is so much harder than they've been lead to believe it will be.......But understanding that monogamy is a struggle for most people, and being able to be honest with our partners about it, may actually help some people remain monogamous.

Sounds like you're on the right track.

Hey! I got in on this late.
Sounds like you are lucky enough to have a very secure fiance with healthy self esteem. How lucky that you can be so open and honest with him about your feelings without fear! Wish my husband were that way. I have had a crush here and there since my husband and I have been together. He only knew of one of them. I never acted on any of them out of respect for him. The only way that I got over them was to distance myself as you are doing now.
Good luck to you! Hope it all works out the way you want it to!

Who says you cannot have two men sexually and emotionally in your life? Have you or your fiance ever heard of polyamory? Your fiance doesn't seem to upset or concerned - may be because he has similar leanings... something to look up and discuss...

here's a great site about polyamory:

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

I've seen a few open relationships in my day and they never really pan out - someone always gets hurt in the end even though it may go on well for a while. I would say enjoy the crush, but remember that it is just a fantasy. How are you going to feel with this other guy meets a woman who IS available? How are you going to feel if he brings this woman into the mix? Because it's going to happen whether you like it or not. Right now he's into you, but he'll get tired of being second to your fiance eventually and will find someone with whom he'll be number one. It will be hard to let it stay as a crush if he's around all the time. It's good that you brought it up with your fiance, but I would hardly talk to my mother-in-law about it! Yikes! Her number one interest is her son! At least I wouldn't talk to MY mother-in-law about something like that! haha. Anyway, ride it out and keep it like it is, is my suggestion. No one person can be everything, which is why we have friends even when we have a partner. Good luck with it all!