Didn't Know the Rules Back Then

Greetings,

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Cheers

Not everyone gives hostess gifts, so if you didn't know the "rules" I think it's ok! I think a set of wine charms and a bottle of wine is perfectly appropriate - they're not the mamas to be!

As far as the first hostesses go, I personally wouldn't give the "new" hostesses the hostess gift in front of everyone. In my experience, when you give a gift to a hostess, it's usually after the shower, or possibly before, not in front of the guests. It's a subtle thank you, and not appropriate to give in front of everyone anyway.

HTH, and congratulations on #2!

I've thrown lots of baby showers, but never got a gift from the mom-to-be. Also, I never gave a gift as a thank you. Maybe I'm rude??!! I have given/recived thank you notes for the event and gifts. I think a note is just fine. That being said... I don't think it is bad to get a little something for the hostess. Wine or wine accessories are great as long as you know they drink wine.

As a side note.... I just hosted a shower for a friend. I pre-addressed thank you notes using the address list from the invitations. It was a big hit and makes the thank you note task go a little quicker for a tired mom-to-be.

Good Job M. C! I think that is a great way to personalize their gift. If they like wine, then they would appreciate that more than a soap basket. That is kind of unpersonal. You are so sweet to be thinking of them!!

As for your first baby shower, I too was like that. I was young with my first child and knew nothing about ediqute then. I know I didn't even send a thank you card. I thanked them for the shower in person but thats it. For my 2nd shower I gave gift certificates to places they liked. I did not feel bad about giving gifts to them. I had grown up some and kinda knew what to do then. I would say go for it. I don't think anyone will get offended.

Good luck w/ the new baby and the shower!! God Bless!!

D. Mattern
The MOM Team
Raising your income and your rugrats at the same time.
www.formyrugrats.com
"The only thing that counts is faith, expressing itself through love." Galatians 5:6

I think wine is a perfectly acceptable hostess gift for a baby shower. I gave one of the hostesses for my baby shower a bottle of wine along with some chocolate that was intended to pair well with it and I know she liked it. I also received a bottle of wine as a hostess gift at the last shower I co-hosted as well. So it's definitely not an unheard of gift. I think of it this ways, since the hostesses of things like baby showers are your friends (otherwise why would they be throwing you a party?) you should know what they like and don't like.

As for your second dilemma, I personally would solve it by being discrete about giving the hostess her gift and hoping the previous hostesses don't remember I didn't get them anything. For instance, I left my hostess gifts in the car and brought them in while I was loading the gifts I received into my car when the hostesses and I were the only ones there. If something like that isn't possible and you still feel really bad, you could get something for the friends who threw your first shower too (and admit you didn't know the rules). I'd like to say if they are really your friends they'll understand.

Things have changed over the years. I think your wine charms or anything related to wine is a nice gift. As far as your other hostesses that will be attending this shower, maybe you could go up to each one and just remind them what a lovely shower they gave you for your first child years ago and how much you enjoyed and appreciated it just like your second shower. It is never too late to say thank you and be kind.

I think the wine idea is fabulous and personal. If you feel bad about your other friends you could get them a little something to as a belated thank you.

I would buy the past shower hostesses a gift also and say that you would also like to honor them for a shower you've yet to forget.

Don't worry. I didn't give my hostesses a gift for showers. I believe that is something new... it certainly isn't in my book of etiquette....

I think the wine charms are a perfect gift!

I think the wine idea is a good one. I have 2 kids and have had 4 showers total and I always got something personal for the hostess....as in something I thought they would enjoy. I got one a pretty bird feeder....she likes to sit outside and watch the birds and squirrels. Another I got something that she collected for her house. I had 3 friends throw me a shower and I gave them nice make-up bags. I also gave the gifts at the end of the shower....when the guests left and we were cleaning-up and visiting....your other friends don't need to know.

Since you didn't know the rules back then, maybe you could do a toast to them at the shower and apologize for being so dumb :)

Whatever gift you think is most appropriate for your hostess IS appropriate, whatever it is. I think a personal gift is much better than a generic one. As for the first hostesses, unless you presented the hostess gift in front of them, they wouldn't know about it. Still, if it bothers you, bring something for them too. Just apologize for not having known about it. Personally, I hadn't even heard of this before; in my family, showers are always thrown by family and none of us have ever gotten or given a hostess gift.

Try pulling the first hostes aside befor the shower and give them a thank you gift. Just make sure they know what it's for.

Bring two gifts and simply explain.

why not give gfts to the first hostesses as well at your shower? A simple acknowledgement... "I also want to thank the hostesses from my first baby shower at this time" is all the explanation needed. They will appreciate your gesture even if it is later... and you've solved any issue of discomfort that may have arisen. you can even give a different type of gift to the first hostesses (if they are not wine drinkers) and it should be ok.
B. in Austin, TX

I think a bottle of wine is a great ideal. If you would like to make it even more special, personlize the label. You can do this at Water to Wine. I beleave they ar located in Round Rock off Hesters Crossing. You can make your own wine there also it is resonable in price and they personlize lables.

Congrats on your new little one.

get them on their own, talk about the shower and the "do you remembers" of the shower they threw, then casually talk up doing lunch someday just the 3 of you; once lunch is over insist on paying their share

I have two children...the first baby shower I knew about, from my co-workers, but for the second one it was a surprise shower from friends. I think our society has gotten to a point where if you give you should receive and vise versa. That's not how it should be...If you feel that you should or want to give something, maybe do it in private or at a later time not during the baby shower. That way it won't be awkward for you and the other friends.

I bought the hostesses a bottle of wine and a box of Godiva, they loved it!!! I bought a pretty inexpensive bottle of wine ($10-$12), and about a $12-16 dollar box of chocolates. Can it get any better than wine and chocolate?

Hi,

If you can, you need to write those thank yous asap. I just got myself in alot of trouble because of the same thing. You have enough going on, just write a quick thank you and you won't feel uncomfortable at the shower.
H. S.

I cannot tell you how many baby showers I have thrown over the years and I have never expected, nor received a hostess gift. When I throw the party, it is for the Mom-2-be, not for me to get something out of the deal. I nice thank you and a chance to hold the baby is all I'd request and that's sort of a given if you know the person well enough to give her a shower!

I would get the hostess the gift she is going to appriciate not what everyone thinks you should give her. I gave the person that gave me my second baby shower that kind of stuff but she loves it.

I also did not know with my first child to give the hostess a gift but unfortunately I do not have contact with those friends any longer. I would suggest writing your friends a little note and giving them a small gift, if it is in your budget. If not I am sure they do not hold it against you and probably did not throw the party for you to get a gift out of it.

Good luck with it all.

I had no idea about a hostess gift until I read this. My suggestion would be to give them the gifts privately.

I didn't give my gift at the party. I think you should give it to them in private. In fact, it's a month later and I've finally assembled all the bits. My hostess is into crafts and card making, so I got her some personalized stamps inks and a box of nice stationary.

I think if they like wine, give them a nice bottle and some charms each.

I'm sure the others don't harbor ill will so don't worry.
This is my first baby and I so didn't know the etiquette. My husband and I were trying to figure out how much she spent and then spend the same, but that's impossible to figure out. So we settled on a decent dollar amount and putting thought in to it.

Good luck! Enjoy your shower!!

Hopefully, the "old" hostesses won't stay until the very end of the shower when clean-up is occuring - then you will be able to give your hostess gifts. Arrive to the party early and hide the gifts from everyone - this is not a public gift giving but private - after the party. No one has to know what you did or did not give.

Hope this helps...

B. in Odessa

I would buy the hostesses whatever you want to buy them as a gift. The fact that you want to personalize the gift will make it special. Regarding the hostesses from the first shower, I would mention to them that you "didn't know the rules back then" and apologize. Obviously not getting a gift didn't affect them that much or they wouldn't still be around and attending another shower. Speaking of rules, showers are not traditionally thrown for a second baby unless the baby is a different sex than the first.

Don't fret, go ahead and send the first hostess a gift, offer to take her to lunch/dinner and explain sincerely that you were so preoccupied that you didn't know where your mind or manners went and that you sincerely value her friendship and thoughtfulness in throwing you a shower. Laugh and enjoy each other's company and vow not to take the other for granted.

In Amazon sisterhood,
B.

if you can financially swing it (which is always a consideration) BEFORE the shower, send the 1st hostesses a thank you gift, put IN the note, "a little late, but no less appreciated - thank you for the shower you threw for me and (child's name)" or something along those lines. As your friends, it should not be an issue one way or another (that's who usually throws showers, family or friends) but doing it before the shower makes it seem less like an afterthought. but I think ignoring it is in poor taste (unless its financially not possible... then, well, it's just not possible) but since you FEEL like you should do something, or acknowledge it, I think you should run with your instincts - they are almost-almost ALWAYS right on track!

I think the wine gift is appropriate, since you know them. I didn't know those rules, either, so don't feel bad. Giving the first set of friends a gift now looks like I'm-doing-it-for-this-person-now-I'm-obligated-to-do-it-for-you
type of thing. I would give the hostesses their gift in private, and communicate to the first set of friends that this second shower brings back fond memories of you first shower, and you appreciated it so much, but didn't know then that you were supposed to give a thank-you gift. They'll probably say, "Oh, don't worry about it; we were glad to do it." Then you'll say how fortunate you are to have such great friends, and everybody's happy!

I think maybe you should give the other lady a gift pack with the body wash.Then you let her know that you didnt know back then that you were suppose to give a gift and thank her.B. F.

I didn't know either. :) I would give the first one a thank you note that says "I still cherish my first shower memories, and I wanted to thank you again!" with a small gift or even a gift card inside (Go Starbucks!)

S. (who would be thrilled at a wine gift.)

Write them a little card thanking them for your first shower you may want to add that you apologize for doing this then but you didn't think too, or just simply put I haven't forgotten my first shower and thankyou so much and give them a little gift. Wine and chocolates or starbuck gift card. Whatever you know your friends like. Gift card to a spa or to get a pedicure. Good luck