Difficult Decision

I have no personal experience, but it is my belief that this is way beyond the scope of what a 7 year can comprehend. If she thinks she wants to live with her father, it's because she had a great weekend and things with you have been a bit blase this week. Or it's because she got in trouble earlier today (or earlier in the week) and has it in her head that Daddy wouldn't be as strict. Perhaps it's because when she's with Daddy she gets to watch a lot of tv and eat junk food while you make her eat healthy, limit her tv and enforce a strict bedtime.

She is not old enough to know what's best for her. What she sees as a "need" is most likely very superficial. Just smile and say, "Do you miss Daddy?" or "Did you have fun this weekend? I'm so glad."

She is way too young to know what's best for her.

I would not allow a 7 year old to make a life altering decision-nor would I take personally what she has represented. Why does she think changing households is an option?

A seven year old can't possibly know what's best for her. If it were me, I would allow her to spend more time there over the summer. A dose of reality, might be all she needs to stop asking. Really, though. She should not be allowed to make adult decisions for herself. She has only been able to read for a few years, is still learning to write correctly. She has no capacity for this large of a decision.

You are allowing her to think that she gets to decide. This is an adult decision. I suggest that the way you're responding is causing her to feel insecure. She may be testing to see if you really want her. It's important for you to tell her that she's living with you and it's not going to change.

Talk about the reasons she wants to live with her Dad. Sympathize with how she's feeling about getting into trouble. But insist over and over that she's your little girl and she's living with you.

Also, as Gidget suggested, respond be saying, you miss your dad or in some way let her know that you recognize her feelings and the way she's feeling is OK, Validate her feelings while making it clear that you are in charge and she's not going to live with him.

If she were 15, I'd be more inclined to take her seriously.
At 7, no way - don't even let her have an inkling that it's a possibility.
It's easy to want to be with the party parent.
She thinks life will be like the weekends 24/7 7 days a week 52 weeks a year - and if you let her go, she'd have a rude awakening.
When do YOU have weekend downtime with her?
All she has with you is school time, homework time, week day time.
When do you take her to a zoo or a museum or a movie?
Don't let your ex have all the fun time with her.
What's best for her is to be with her loving mother who gives her balance in life and is not all about 'nothing but the good times'.
Never question that.

7 year olds do NOT decide where they live. Period.

You and her father decide what you think it best. Not what you think she wants most, but what is BEST for her.

If her father isn't ASKING for her to come live there full time, what makes you think it's even an option?

Stop entertaining the whims of a VERY young child. If YOU don't want her to live with you anymore, consider it. Otherwise, tell her that she lives with you and visits her dad, and that's the bottom line. Tell her to stop bringing it up... period. If there is something WRONG with your house, make sure she knows she can tell you about it, but otherwise, she needs to love the live she has.

T.

I have a seven year old as well. As the saying goes, "the grass is always greener." She imagines having only happy times with her dad. You sound like a great mom, but don't give in to her. Her reality is so immature at this point. Stay strong and be firm. It's in her best interests. My son has said some hurtful things too, but at the end of the day she is your child, and you are the mom she desperately needs. (Plus, it sounds like she's testing you.) Best wishes to you both.

Once again ....
She is 7

Of course she wants to live with dad - she sees him on weekends - no school, all play time. Heck, we all want to live with dad.
Um, she is 7.

7 years old children do not get to decide where they live.
You need a formal, court ordered, custody assignment. Like Pronto - before fun dad beats you to the punch and gets custody.

When my son was that age, he would often get "mad" at me - the rules and conforms of every day life - school, homework, bedtimes, balanced meals, etc. . He would then "demand" to go live with his MawMaw - where he got to eat donuts for breakfast, play all day, and not have set bedtimes. MawMaw explained to him that if he lived with her he would still have school, and homework, etc. He decided to stay with me.

You may want to have a conversation with dad about this - does he want he to live with him full time? He may be aghast at the thought of having her full time for school, homework, etc.

And please, realize, she is 7 - it is not that she does not want you any longer - she just sees dad's as the fun house - you are the disciplinarian, homework helper, rule enforcer, all roles to her - mostly you are, and will always be, her Mommy. She loves you. But she is 7, and just wants to play. Therein lies the allure to living with Dad. She does not understand that he would then become the disciplinarian, homework helper, bottle washer, and she would have rules there also.

Get a lawyer K.. Get it all in writing. She is 7 - it is time.

K.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Sorry - she is a child and this is NOT her decision to make. She is the child. You are the adult.

You need to talk with her about her "reasoning" behind this abrupt change. If it means having all 4 of you - step dad, daughter, biological dad and yourself sitting at a table to get it all hashed out - do it. Or even family counseling to get her to open up about this - it needs to be done.

The root or cause of the decision may be your ex-husband and he, or someone in his family, is encouraging her to make this choice. Sorry. But she is a CHILD. If she told you she wanted to go live with the gypsies for a year - would you let her? No.

So you need to get to the bottom of this change and everyone needs to be on the same page. You don't have custody set up? Sounds like it's time to do that. Get it all in writing.

Good luck!!

I would be honest with her that she has school here and that she is not old enough to make that decision for herself. If your ex approaches you about it, then you can discuss it further. You really need to reconsider not having a formal custody arrangement.

I'm a bit concerned that you don't have anything formal or legal. Right now, he could take her for a weekend and keep her. There's nothing to prevent what you fear.

If you think it would be beneficial to her, consider counseling. Maybe there she will talk about it. This is not something that should be remotely considered without a real reason. She might be upset, but you are her mom and you CAN say no.

My sks asked a few times to live with BM. In our case, DH had legal primary custody. Each time the burden was on their mother to prove that it was better for them to change, and she was unable to do so. In SD's case, she wanted more time with her mom (who was also mostly fun and games, but that's easy on the weekends) and thought that if she was physically there, she would see BM more. She knew that DH would make the effort to see her, no matter what, and BM was flighty. Custody never changed, but we did have some struggles here and there to get the kids to understand that they needed to stay here.

What's best for her is what her parents decide, not herself. She is 7. If we could raise ourselves at 7, we'd all be hatched from eggs.

I think Bug offered a good suggestion: Have her spend extra time there on school vacations and summer break. That could be your compromise. I wouldn't just let her go because she thinks she wants to. She's too young to make that decision.

ETA: She thinks the grass is greener now, because they likely give her the princess treatment while she's there. Does she have to do chores, and pitch in around the house or is it all fun and games, outings, and treats?

My half sister (Dad's daughter from a previous marriage) lived with us until she was 9. Her mom was in her life sporadically after their divorce until she was about 7-8. She would spend weekends with her and they would party with her mom's friends the whole time. She didn't have chores, didn't even have to brush her teeth. It didn't take long for her to start pestering my dad to let her move in with her mom. She wore him down and he eventually agreed. She moved out of our house and basically left our family. Her mom turned her against my dad and she never wanted to come and see us. I was only 3 when she left and didn't have a relationship with her again until I was 18. I wish my dad hadn't have let her go so easily and had fought for visitation. They had no court arrangement either.

First of all, I'm with the other moms. At 7, it's not her decision to make. But I would try to get to the bottom of why. It's probably an issue of her feeling left out of her father's household. Talk to dad and see what he knows about it (if you are on good terms).

I'd be worried about not having any legal document for this, like the other moms. Please go see a lawyer.

I would not talk about this with her anymore. You give her too much power when you allow her to make demands like this. You've already listened, you've asked her questions she doesn't want to answer, and that's enough. He already has shared custody and that's enough. She is too young to get to have a say in this.

Dawn

I agree with ghe others who say she is too young for this type if decision.
Summer is right around the corner...can sheepish give her a taste if he day to spend a nice long vacation there? I know it will still be summer (Fun time) but it might give her a better taste of the weekly rhythm there.

While this is very upsetting to hear her say, she shouldn't be allowed to make such a decision. I find it a bit strange that she thinks she can make this choice. Do you think the father and his clan have worked on her to say these things?

I agree with the last post, Marda.

Isn't there a way for you to find out what she truly needs? She may be looking for a bigger family enviornment like you said and if so you can perhaps remedy that.

Hope you can work this out in the best way.

A few thoughts.....

If you are going to make a change I suggest you make it *officially* with a custodial order. For a couple reasons.

1. It prevents your daughter from turning into a ping-pong ball believing that she can go back and forth as it suits her.
2. If you feel like your ex will make it hard for you to see your daughter, you need something that provides security for you and your daughter to ensure you have set parenting time.

If your ex is Disney Land Dad, can you do an extended visitation in the summer? Say - 10 weeks of her THERE in the week and with YOU on the weekends? That would give EVERYONE a taste of what life would be like on the other side.... but you can change back after summer without too much fall-out.

My daughter asked once what would go into moving to live with her dad. I told her that custody is a LEGAL process. That because of her age, she would need to talk to a Judge and explain why she wanted to live with the other parent. So, she needed to really think about what her reasoning was and what the pros and cons would be BEFORE the move was made. So, she would need to REALLY think about it before a change was made and that the change would be permanent. So - she would have to plan on being there through Jr High before it would be up for negotiations or whatever.

Lastly - try to view this from a different angle. It's not that she DOESN'T want to live with you. It's that she WANTS to live with her dad. it's probably not personal, try not to take it that way.

Are you certain that he's not putting the idea into her head? It might be time to legally establish your custody arrangement. When she goes there for weekends there's absolutely nothing that could keep him from disallowing her to come back home since he's her father and there aren't any court orders.

Aside from that, it's not your daughter's decision. She's only 7 years old. She doesn't get to make this sort of decision. She's not a parent.

Well, you now, need to get legal counsel and a plan in place.
Otherwise, anything can, happen.
And you need to think about, all aspects of a child's well being and future, well being. Doctor's care/appointments/school issues/who has legal say in decision making etc. PLUS you will be up against, not only your Ex/her Dad... but ALL OF HIS FAMILY too.
You seem, outnumbered.
So protect your behind, get your ducks in a row, and DOCUMENT everything. From yesterday.

Do you and your Ex even communicate at all?
If not, there is no way... to know, what goes on there or how her life is. And not to mention, how are the schools, there?
And if he is a "Disney Dad" or not, well, you don't know that. Because your daughter and your Ex, do not seem to communicate with you, about their lives... apart from you.

And yes, a child of that age, does not have the ability to discern... situations nor about future, situations.

AND, does your Ex, even want her.... to live with him?
Does HE know... your daughter wants to do that?
Having a child only on weekends, is very different, from caring for a child EVERYDAY and night. And throughout ALL of their age related phases.
AND about girl... biology and body changes. Later.

And if this does happen... hopefully your Ex AND his family... are not Toxic dysfunctional mean, people.
Or, you will have a hard time, in the future, with your daughter.

K., I cannot imagine what it must be like to hear your child say that. I am really hoping that no one on mamapedia responds in anyway that will hurt you even more. Some people can be very judgemental on here. My feeling is that at 7 years-old she may just be saying this to test you. I have a 7 year-old son and he says things to me sometimes just to get my attention when I know what he is saying is just in the moment. It may be that he wants something from me or he is upset because I have not given him his way. They are just finding out they have a voice and that sometimes life is not fair. I would say...tell her that she has two homes and many people love her at both homes. I would also tell her that her home with you is during the week and her home with her father is on the weekends...living at one home full-time is not an option. " In the Summer you will be able to see your Daddy alot.". Would you like that? I would reassure her that you love her with all your heart and try to give her some quality time with just you and her. Go to the library, paint pottery, etc. She may just be craving more one on one time with you. I am just wondering if something is going on at school too? Does she have friends? It may also be a good idea to ask her pediatrician for a referral for a counselor who helps children in divorce situations. Trust your gut! You may be right about your ex preventing you from seeing her if you let her live there permanently. I too believe that it is time to get a lawyer to so that you are legally the custodial parent. Your ex may beat you to the punch so to speak if she is telling him she wants to live with he. Good Luck!

What I would suggest to her is if its ok with her dad when the summer comes let her switch it around. Spend the week with him and the weekends with you. I know it will be very difficult, but what is best for her is important.

You are the other; she is the child. Remember that. Not her decision to make. She is only 7. Non negotiable in my opinion.

She's 7. She's using this as a power struggle tactic. Ignore it.

A 7 year old is NOT mature enough to know which parent is best to live with the majority of the time. She is only considering that she gets spoiled and gets lots of attention and does special activities when she's there.

Well, of course that's the way she sees it. They only get short visits and want to do special things during that short time, but that wouldn't be the norm if she were there full time. She just doesn't realize that. She see's it as "boring time with Mom," and "awesome activities with Dad." Black and white thinking is pretty normal at her age.

That said, I would try to add some special activities and Mom-Daughter stuff during your time with her. And ignore this obsession with living with her dad.

When I was 14, my twin sister and I told our Mom that we wanted to go live with our Dad. She had moved us to California away from all of our family and we were terribly lonely. While I wouldn't call him a "Disney Dad", he was always very kind and fun and attentive when we visited. We talked to him on the phone all the time and decided we wanted to live with him.

She eventually agreed. While I'm sure it hurt her deeply, we needed more than she could give us at the time. Her own marriage ended about a year later, and she moved back near us. So, in the end it did work out well.

Having a 7-yr old myself, I know you have a different situation. I would suggest maybe giving her until the end of the school year as a "let's make this decision over the summer" so that you and her can both get used to the idea. Also, perhaps some counseling sessions would help you get to the root of the problem, or to at least understand where she is coming from. I can only guess that she wants to leave because she is lonely and feels some kind of connection to her other step-siblings?

Concern about your ex being spiteful and preventing you from seeing her would be remedied by having a formal custody agreement in place.

I think completely discounting her feelings and wishes is a huge mistake. I would really try to understand why she is wanting to do this and what her motivations are. Good luck!

If dad is a good guy and there's nothing wrong with him then talk to him. Consider this compromise. Try it out for summer. You can have a regular visitation with her and go pick her up, spend a couple of days or more, then take her back to dads. Let her see what it's like to live there full time for months on end.

She may get over her honeymoon stage and want to come home. She may also be a daddy's girl and never want to live full time with you again.

My sister let her daughter go live with her ex when she was around 8 or 9. My sister is a Jehovah's Witness and her daughter told her she didn't want to be one. So she let her go live with her dad.

It was actually one of her best decisions. She got to be the weekend mom with all the fun and none of the day to day being the big bad person who has to say no all the time. They never had conflicts, never had anger issues, nothing but a loving and close relationship. Her daughter thinks her mom can do no wrong.

So I know it can work out for the best.

Bet she has more freedom and fun there. I'd keep her at home with you. Tell her, you love her, and you are not giving her up. Period! Long term that's he message all kids want to hear.

You need a legal custody agreement. In writing. Approved by a court.

Yes, even though you and the ex get along fine, you BOTH are protected by a legal agreement. Why haven't you had one long. long before now? Do you fear that it somehow says "We dont' get along" if you have an agreement, and you're a person who just wants everyone to be happy and get along? If so -- that is not what a legal agreement is about; it's about protecting the child from being pushed and pulled (and pushing and pulling the adults as well).

If you are scared to get a legal agreement, please explore why you feel that way -- because from the post, it sounds like you are operating on emotion rather than reason when it comes to your little girl. You're hurt, sure, but you're also showing it to her more than you realize and she's picking up on it. You're getting worn down by the notion that "he has a large family and they are constantly doing things together" -- they may even be telling her that she should be in a large family too. You sound as if you feel guilty that she's not in a big family, not with daddy, etc.

Please do not let her move to daddy's. Right now, for her, his house is pure fun; she is coddled and warmly welcomed by his big family and probably treated like a bit of a guest when she's there. But if she went to live with him, that would be home -- and home also requires rules and discipline and chores, and not always doing what you want. YOU are home right now, and she associates you with rules and discipline, so of course living with "Disney dad" (your own words) sounds peachy keen; she would never hear "No" or "You can't do that because..." Or so she thinks, at age seven. If she moved there, she would no longer be the visitor, and every moment would no longer be packed with fun. She can't see that -- but YOU are the adult here and you have to see that for her. You have to give her the discipline and rules that a Disney dad won't, because those rules make her a better person than just having her own way and being entertained all the time. He's doing his best, yes, but you are the custodial parent and you have the hard work of not being Fun Mom all the time.

Please consider also getting not just a formal custody agreement but also getting some counseling to look at why you're feeling guilty and/or so easily swayed by the emotions of a seven-year-old. Of course you're hurt -- that is normal. But the fact you're even entertaining the idea of letting her go is worrying; please get some counseling to see how to build a stronger self that can push through things like this.

If you give her up, then want her back -- think of the mess that would create.