Dilemma with My mother...advice Needed. Kinda Long

I know the housing market just now is not good, but from what you've said, it's not likely that she will change. Why is she so hostle to the older children? They certainly will begin to feel resentment to the little one. Some people just cannot accept/get close to "non-blood" relatives. If talking to her has not done any good, I'ed say the best bet, even if it means a financial hardship,is to sell the house, aplit the money and move on. The main thing is that she has to be told in no uncertain terms that you are a family and all the children are involved. As for the two year old, she is young enough to adjust. Yes, her grandmother has been a part of her life, but she too will move on and adjust just fine. Two year olds don't have a really long memory span.

I think the reason your mother is so critical is because you and your daughter are her life and she's already seen you hurt once and is afraid it's going to happen again. You need to reassure her that you are happy and loved and that you would love her to be part of your new family as much as your daughter is. As for the living situation, I believe that will resolve it's self once she realizes your new husband and family won't desert you again. Not sure how long the marriage has been but let her know this one is for real and that you love her and your relationship with her is not going to change except for the better because she just got 4 more wonderful grandkids to dote on. Maybe she needs time to relax her gaurd also. You might start by suggesting that you and your new family take over the mortgage and she find a nice place closer to her work so she's not traveling so much but still close enough to see you every weekend like she does now. I wish you the best because I know it's hard but it's very doable if you handle it with tack and with lots of love and make sure that your mother knows you will never want her out of your life. That's all she's afraid of. Put yourself in her shoes and you'll see the same thing.

God Bless,
K.

One thing that I have learned in life is that I must do what is right for my immediate family (meaning kids and myself). I learned this lesson the hard way, a situation involving my mom and sister. I had to tell my mother one day that I must protect my kids because no one else will. My mother at the same time was forced to realized this was for my kids and accepted it. Hang in there and be strong for your family. Ask trusting friends for support and opinions.

I would have a hard time giving advice to you, as I have not been in your shoes...but I can ultimately say one thing...the minute someone held the "its my house" thing over my head...I would say see ya later!!! I would live in an apartment before I would tolerate that. If its indeed "HER" house, let "HER" have it....Like you said, if there are going to be hurt feeling anyway...might as well have your happiness in YOUR pocket, not hers!!!

Good Luck to you,
Margaret :)

R.,
First let me say that "you have come a long way!" You admit that you had problems and are facing them. Do you realize that there are a lot of people that can't or won't do that? GREAT JOB! Post-partum depression is real and w/ dr.'s help is treatable. On top of that, you had other types of depression in dealing with an abusive relationship! I am so proud of you for getting out of it! Knowing what it is like to have a verbally abusive mother, my suggestions are from experience.

Talk to her. Set aside a time when you won't be disrupted. Tell her how much you appreciate her help, etc., etc. (State something positive first). Then state your concerns. Try not to make them a verbal attack, but state what your options are. (IE-you would like your own home in your name; her not being nice to the other children; being critical, etc.) Tell her that there are rules for her to follow if she is to remain in your life. I don't know what her childhood was like, but she's probably doing what she grew up with.

With that said, if she chooses (Remember-it's a choice, not something you are making her do)to continue the inappropriate behaviors, then you have no option but to move away, stay away from her, etc.

I wish you the best. You have already taken such a courageous stand in the things that you do. Continue to praye for guidance and understanding.

I know what your going through. Me and my hubby and my 2 kids were wanting to get out of our apartment and move in a house w/ a back yard for the kids. BUT, we couldn't afford it on our own. So, my mil moved in with us. It was ok for a while, but then she became so negative that it was pure misery living with her! We tried to talk to her nicely and ask her to quit being so negative, she would just cry and have a pity party for herself. Finally, my husband and I came to the point where we wanted her out. We tried to think of the best way to get her out without hurting her feelings but when my husband brought up the subject of her leaving, she got mad and left our house upset. Well, after an emotional leave, she now lives w/ her other son and is a totally different person. She seems happier now. My son was very attached to her and I thought it would be hard on him when she left, but he wasn't upset. He says it brings our family closer together.
Now let me say, I did ALOT of praying over the situation! And over the year she stayed w/ us. "Weeping may last for the night, but JOY comes in the morning!" I say do what you have to do, it may hurt at first and there may be alot of tears, but you know what's best for your family. Good luck! And I hope things go better for you.

R. my heart goes out to you. There is no way out of this without someone hurting, and it is best if the adults are the ones who hurt, not the kids.

I had a terrible relationship with my mom for 34 years. I did a 10 day silent vipassana meditation retreat which opened my eyes to our sufferings and how to be at peace with it and now we have a wonderful relationship. She hasn't changed... still manipulative and decietful and difficult, but I have changed and I no longer have anger/ hurt feelings about anything. But that is off topic...

Anyway I think you should sell your house. You could offer to buy her out, but that is tanamount to saying "get out." and can't go well. Just say that you and your husband have decided you want a to live solo as a married couple should.

If she raises a fuss, say "mom, I apprecaite everything you have done and we have all benefitted from your closeness to baby. I am remarried now and we will live on our own." Period. There needs be no more discussion. Make sure you are in control of the conversation and if she budges it and makes you feel bad, restate that main point and move on with your day.

Good luck to you. She won't abandon you forever. At some point we all realize that we need our children much more than they need us.

Hi R.,
I think you should try to talk to her first. See if you guys can work it out. Don't go to her in anger or when you're mad or she's done something that upsets you. Wait until you're calm enough to properly handle a good talk. Tell her how much you appreciated her help & that she was there for you when you needed her. Be honest, tell her you feel like she is overly critical of you & the kids, and that it's hurtful. If talking about it doesn't help, then you're going to have to move. The house (regardless of who is paying the mortgage) is hers. Her name is on the note & that's really all there is to it. You're basically renting from her. Give her notice & let her know you're going to have to move out so that you're relationship doesn't suffer more than it already has. It will be difficult, but it's what you have to do.
I wish you all the best. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you.

Dear R.--Problems with parents are so difficult. Not only are you dealing with the present situation, but the past always rears its ugly head, too.

First, a word of reality: Your Mom IS the owner of your home. If she is on the documents, even though you and your husband pay 2/3 of the mortgage, it's like paying her rent.

Second, sit down with your Mom and calmly discuss how your stepchildren are having trouble settling in to their new family. Explain that you value having her there to help, but that in the interest of family unity, you desperately need a plan to help your families blend successfully. Ask her what she thinks y'all should do. Enlisting her help in this way will keep her from feeling that everyone is ganging up on her with complaints about her behavior. Be sure to include in the discussion how everyone should treat each other, especially when there are differences of opinion. There should be a set of guidelines that everyone will agree to follow.

If your Mom resents your asking her advice, it may be time for your new family to find a new home. Explain to her that you have "imposed" on her long enough, and that you are looking forward to independence with your new family.

I guess what I'm saying is, be gentle with your Mom. Even though the rest of the family keeps their distance, she IS your mother, and has been there for you when times were really hard. Yes, she is a human being, with faults and frailties, but you should still respect her--even if it's from a distance--should you need to move.

Incidentally, I have a problem being judgmental at times, although I don't mean to. And it occurs to me, that perhaps you, too, are being a little judgmental toward your mother. Talking it out can never hurt--just remember to treat each other the way you would want to be treated.

God bless you all.
S.

R.,

My reply is kinda long, too, so I apologize in advance. I appreciate your effort to keep your posting short, but in doing so, some things are not clear to me, so let me see if I have this straight: You mention divorcing your ex- two years ago. He is the father of your two-and-a-half (2.5yo) year old child. You later mention that your two year old (2yo) has never been without "Grammie." Initially, I thought you were saying that your ex's child was 2.5 at the time of the divorce and, thus, would now be 4.5 and that you also have a 2-year old with your new husband. However, in looking at your Mamasource "About me" profile, I believe that you have only ONE natural child to whom you have given birth, a daughter, whose father is your ex-husband. You have since remarried a man who has four children ranging in age from 11 to 18, and they all live with you. You have no natural child with the new husband. There are 3 adults, 5 children and 1 house. Is that right? [Also, it is also a bit confusing when you say that you are BOTH working as a labor and delivery RN AND a stay at home mom. Do you work outside the home, or not?] Unless you correct me: I am basing my advice upon the 3 adult/5 children merged-family model, with the assumption that you DO work, since you say that you help to pay the mortgage:

1. You state, "There is no way out of this without people getting hurt, and relationships being damaged." - IF that is your attitude going into the situation, that is what you will get. Expectations about the outcome of ANY situation are a fundamental part of the outcome. It takes effort, but you can decide to approach you mother in love and without criticism and have a discussion with her about how things need to be (more on this later.)

2. You have been through "divorce counseling." Hopefully, you can see the value in counseling. Often, having a neutral, third party as a listener, sounding board and even arbitrator will create an environment for everyone to express their individual needs and wants. I suggest that you and your husband enter counseling immediately in order to get a healing environment established. Invite your mom to join in the counseling. There will likely need to be a few sessions involving the older step-children (because their needs/views need to be heard, even though they do not need to "drive" the process; realize that step-children have their own sets of baggage and may or may not have some part in the disharmony.) If the counselor is a good one, I envision that he/she will advise that each of you need individual counseling sessions, and that some sessions will be primarily aimed at the individual relationships between (a) you and your new husband; (b) you and your mother; (c) your mother and your new husband. By email, I can provide the name of a wonderful family counselor in San Antonio, Texas, if you need a referral to a counselor in your area. Contact me if you need her name. Also, many Christian churches offer good family counseling, if you do not have other resources.

3. Your household needs "ground-rules." These must be established by agreement/consensus by the adults. Some of these should address how everyone in the house will treat other members: For instance (and this is only a "sample"):
- We will be openly loving to one another (never "ugly.")
- We will demonstrate a positive in attitude (not negative.)
- We will not default to judgmental behavior, but will try to understand each other's views.
- As long as we show one another respect, it is fair to question what another feeling/thinking.
- We will show no favoritism among family members.
- Etc.

The list of household ground rules should initially be drafted by the three adults, together. The list should be long enough to "set the environment" for positive interchange between all family members, but not so long that the "rules" are either broken, ignored or become weapons against one another. Then you should invite the children to review, comment upon (and even edit or add to) and endorse by consensus agreement - remembering at all times that the adults are "in charge." Once these are agreed by all, post the ground rules and ask everyone to personally follow the rules and, in love and with kindness, point out when another member may be violating a ground rule. Keep each other honest.

The facts are these:

- You mother legally owns your home. She helped you through a time of trial and great need. You may, indeed, need to find a way to live separately, but that move does NOT have to result in severing the relationship. You owe your mother respect simply because she is your mother (which does not mean she is without fault, but does govern how you deal with her shortcomings.) You may want to look up the following scriptures in a Bible. For ease, you can use the link at the end of this email to access an Online Bible, if you wish. See Exodus 20:12; Deuteronomy 5:16; Proverbs 23:22; Matthew 19:19; Mark 10:19; Luke 18:19-21; and Ephesians 6:2. AFTER working to establish good communications and a respectful environment, you can determine if the current living arrangement will work. If not, there are services in every city for complementary legal advice. Just Google "Free Legal Services" along with your city and state.
- You are remarried and you and your husband must make the success of this marriage a top priority. See Genesis 2:24; Ester 1:20; Mark 10:6-7 and Ephesians 5:33.
- Your husband owes your mother respect both because she is his elder and because she is your mother. You may want to read the whole book of Ruth in the Bible's Old Testament. Among other things, it talks about the relationships between an older woman, a young woman (in this case, the older woman's daughter-in-law, who has essentially pledged to love the older woman "as her mother,") and the man to whom a young woman remarries. It is a great account that addresses love for another person above love for one's self and healthy relationships between adults when second marriages occur. [FYI, the MIL, Naomi, was originally "bitter" (in fact, her name means bitterness). But her nature changes in the story when she sees how Boaz (the man who courts and marries her daughter-in-law) treats young Ruth.
- Your mother owes your stepchildren respect, because their father has become your husband. See Romans 12:17, 13:7; and 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12)
- In addition to respecting their dad, your stepchildren owe both you and your mother respect, because you are older and are in a place of parental authority for the household. See 1 Timothy 3:4.
- It is admirable for you to pre-think what behaviors and actions are important TODAY to prevent the need for counseling and adjustment in the FUTURE (as is your aim, per your Mamasource profile.)
In truth, ALL of you probably have room to improve your behaviors toward each other (and some may have more growth and behavior modification opportunities, than others.)

One other recommendation is that if your family is not currently attending church as a whole, doing so would be a great way to initiate new behaviors by all parties. Set aside Sunday morning to attend services - both a Bible study (aka Sunday school) and Worship Services. Go out to eat or plan a "family meal" at home afterwards. Using a meal to have everyone "fellowship" and discuss what you learned is a wonderful way to get to set an environment for dialogue about important issues regarding our human condition, treatment of others, and what we each want and must do to fulfill our needs, including spiritual needs. This is a protocol that has been LOST by so many families in today's culture - but it CAN be established if you choose to do so. Like I stated at the beginning, your attitude going into the situation will determine what you get. Expectations about the outcome of ANY situation are a fundamental part of the outcome.

God bless you and the decisions you and your family make in the near future. Life CAN be very difficult. I know that I would not be able to weather the storms of my life without Jesus Christ, Who serves as my Counsel, Friend, Foundation, Strength and Guide.

God bless you,
K.

http://www.biblegateway.com/

Before making any big move - talk to her first calmly. See if changes can be made by all first. She may not realize how her attitude and voice are affecting ya'll. She may not care. She may have something going on inside that she's not talking about as well. Talk to her first. Don't blindside her. Give her a chance first. Then, if things don't change - give it ample time - then I would make sure she knows how much you appreciate her helping you out and that you couldn't have done it without her. You will forever be grateful to her for being such a wonderful mom and help to you and yours. Then, I would tell her that it is time for ya'll to get your own place. It would be better for your marriage and your new family and you don't want to burden her any more. You are ready to get your own place. You know this will affect her financially and you need to give her time to figure out what she wants to do. Once she thinks of what she wants to do, then figure out how to handle the house financially. In my opinion, worse case scenario, it would be better off to let her have the house and any profit made by it (even as a show of appreciation), than to have any rift between you and your mother. Your relationship is more important than money. Make sure your hubby is on board before doing all this.

Get the book "The Smart Step Family" and read it and study it and if you can find a class take it on the book. You have yourself in a pickle. Your mom is right--legally it is HER HOUSE she purchased it a an investment. The best thing to do is talk staight with your mom. Tell her what is bothering you and see if you three can come up with a solution for all of you. Your mom helped you out in more than one way--now is not the ditch time--you may need her again. She is the grandmother of your child and the others she may never see them as her grandchildren--cause she might not want to. Moms sometimes cannot see that children are children when their bodies look like adults (I have one of those moms). Really your step-children are almost grown except the 11 year old. You need your mom but you must tell her you and your husband have to be the parents and she ia the grandparent. If she continues with this is my house--then move and let her live in her house. She moved in with you to help you not for you to help her. She also helped you get the house that you are living in but she tells you it is hers--and it is! Maybe do a owner finance contract with her then you can say yes it is your house but we have an agreement to pay you for it and then it will be ours. Be carefull legally and hire an attorney to protect all involved here. This is not between you and your mom anymore. That is unless you still have a need to protect yourself from your current husband too.

Get the book!

Mother of 7. His, Mine, theirs and ours! I understand where you are--been there done that!

Time to go your separate ways before she destroys your relationship with your husband. Mention to her that you all are ready to have your own place and are going to start looking. Who knows maybe she will start looking and leave you the house. Good luck. I have my father living with me since my Mom passed away 4 months ago. He pays nothing nor does he offer to pay anything. It has been a strain on my relationship because of the hatefullness he has brought into our home. I know he is angry about loosing my Mom, but it is tearing my home apart. He can not afford to live on his own so I'm stuck. He is my Dad I can't kick him out. Let me know how your situation turns out.

I had to respond to you on your issues and you do have issues, but when you are down and out then your mother is your best friend but when things are going great she is a pain in the you know what. You all need to go to counseling and you also need to talk to your mother. Apparently your new husband didn't have a problem with your mother as he married you and knew she would be there when he moved in. Of course your mother will be closer to your child than his but she is getting to know his children as well and it does take time. It is wrong for her to not treat them well. You didn't say how old your mother is but she has gone from you, her and your children to a house full of people and I can say from experience that the older we get the more patience we lose or we lose when things are going crazy. She is right it is her house and you say she can not afford it on her own. Don't just move out and leave her stranded, remember she came to your aid. Could she refinance the house to lower her payments where she could afford to stay there? Since she is gone all week couldn't you all manage to get along since it is only the weekends she is there? I don't mean this ugly but what if you and your current husband's marriage gets shaky. You will turn to your Mom again and if you mistreat her now then you certainly can't expect her to come running to you later if you do not handle this correctly. Sit her down and tell her how much you love her and appreciate all she has done for you and then talk to her about the situation. You might find she isn't really happy with it either and maybe you all could work something out. You might find while she is gone during the week she may think of something herself.
Good Luck to you but remember she will always be your mother and you loved her enough to go to her when you needed help. She will always be there for you, you may go through some tough times but she will always be there.
I remember my mother would call me wanting me to always come over and I was so busy with work and kids and would make up reasons why I couldn't make it until the weekend. Work, kids, husband, making dinner, laundry - one night she called me and was so deperate for me to come see her and I thought it was another night of begging me to drop everything and come see her during the week. I told her I would see her that weekend and she could come stay with us and we would go shopping etc. She died the next morning. I have regretted always thinking that my life was more so busy and more important that I couldn't spare an hour out of my busy schedule just to go and visit during the week. My mother and I had issues but boy do I miss here and you will as well. So give her a hug and you two talk. Sure she will get upset because she won't know what to do but I feel sure that things will work out for you both.

Hi Raney:

Your mom owns that house. period. You've paid her rent. So, yes, you can tell her that you and your new family are moving out... But she will probably feel abandoned since she bought the house to help you in a time of need and by your own admission, she can't afford the payments on her own.

And I do understand that she has a toxic personality. But she still came through for you when you needed her. And there may have been some free child care opportunities in that situation too...? So leaving her to curse your name in that big house by herself is not an approriate way to say thank you. Better if you can figure out a way to get her into a little condo somewhere convenient and more geared for her lifestyle.

Not to meantion that the housing market is in the dumps right now and it could possibly foreclose before she could sell it. That's just a really crappy thing to do to someone who is in or nearing her sunset years. If she gets financially wiped out now, she will never recover from it and that probably will determine the quality of care she can expect to have as an elder.

My father was very ademant that "you should never be uncivil to your mother". You can call it an echo of the 10 commandments 'honor thy mother & father' if that speaks to you... or you can think of it as a social pilar... However, that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your marriage in order to accommodate your mother's feelings. But you should avoid doing anything that is heartless, rude or inconsiderate.

My best advice is that you offer to buy out the 2 years of equity that she has invested in the house. That's not the same as 2 years of the mortgage... since you paid 2/3 or some portion most of the time. 1/3 of the payments for x years should sufice... and that would also give her the money that went towards the interest payments as well as equity. That way, she gets out of a situation she really can not afford and she is made whole without the risk of having financial hardship in this economy.

Of course, if you go this route, make sure you get it all documented, title transfer, etc. You want to be able to claim anything that you pay her as an investment for your tax return and deductions. Talk to a CPA if necesary.

Ultimately this is a financial decision, not a family decision. #1, you and your husband need to start building your own equity in your home; as long as you pay rent to your mom, you have no equity, no tax deductions, no credit line, etc. #2, you and your husband need to discuss whether this house is where you really want to be living. Perhaps when you first bought it, you weren't considering the middle schools and high schools in the area. However, now that you have the educational needs of teenagers to consider, perhaps there is a different nieghborhood that your family would want to consider moving to? If gasoline jumps to $5 a gallon, would you need to move closer to your husband's job? and #3, whether you decide to buy that house from her (or another house), it may require you to go back to work, even if it is part-time. So, you'll need to evaluate your household income before you committ to buying any property.

Yep its time to get your own house or try to buy her out. IF you try to buy her out and its taking too long because of her delays then buy your own house. Be firm and know your incharge of your life. Tell her how much you appericiate her help but the understanding was that when you got back on your feet she would go. As far as the relationship with the two year old they will still see eachother. Also think about grandma could die and the child would never see the grand ma again and she would survive the loss. God forbid. In finding out that your mom is human and is a somewhat crapy person did they ever teach you to forgive her. She is a flawed individual and is most likly going to end up alone. I am sure she realizes this and wants to insure she will have someone there with her. Thats why she is investing in having ahold of you so she can always have someone weather its by force or not. This is totally not a healthy way to have a relationship. I would invite her over for sunday dinners a few times a month after she moves. I dont know just seems the grandmother is a bit scared and is being a bully about the situation. I would also learn the lesson of never letting family invest or dont do business with family and friends. Good luck and pray. Hope you get lots of great responses!

Get a lawyer and remember that you all are paying the majority, but I don't know what can be done legally and whether or not you do/do not own the entire property yourself. She needs to leave because she is abusing your step-children which is SERIOUS. You must defend them and you have the strength to because you're not in denial about your mother's dysfunctionality. You need to deal with this immediately for their sakes, if not your own and your husband's. Best wishes.

My heart and prayers go out to you. This is not an easy situation, but it seems clear that your mom is having a destructive presence in your home. That cannot be tolerated. Even though she's good with your two year old, all the other stress she's causing has to have affect on the little one, too. It's very unhealthy. You're going to have to be honest with your mom. Perhaps a neutral third party can be present. I suggest you let her decide if she moves out or if you do. More than giving advice, I'm writing just to support you and let you know that you are right in putting some separation between her and your family. Blessings.

Morning R.;

Since the house is in your mother's name>>>to put it bluntly,
your screwed!
No one wants to hurt their mother, but, alas, sometimes it
is all that we can do!
Now, here is the "Really" hard part! You have to sit down with your mom, no husband, no step-children, no 2 year old around, maybe go out to lunch on a Sat. You have to lay out
first how much you appreciate and love her for helping you
thru the hard times with previous "knot hole" husband.
Then lay out the problem with what you life is now, you have
4 step children, all at what is deamed the worse times of thier lives----18,16,14 and 11! Yikes, that's enough to send you and your new husband to the looney farm right there! Here it is important that you do not mention that she is being mean or judgemental to the step kids, it is important that she understands that it is your "Desire" to be alone with you new family!
That puts 7 in the house every day and then when she comes home for weekends, it's 8!
Now here is where real deplomancie comes into play>>>you have
to ask your mom if she has any idea of how to change the pressure that you are being caused by so many people in this
house??? Let her talk and listen for a few minutes>>>then
here is the bomb shell, if she hasn't already suggested it>>
Mom, would you have an objection to selling this house and
getting one of your own and us getting one of our own????
Hey, Mom, you also need some private life, you need a boyfriend, a lover and person who wants to be with you!
From what you said, you apparently are an only child and she has totally devoted her life to you for the past few years!
I do not believe you can be blunt here, but, you do have to have your resolve and be firm that you want to be alone with your family!
Very tough situation, good Luck!!
B. C.

Well, since she moved in with you at the time you needed her emotionally, I would suggest letting her know how much you appreciated that, but now you are in a much better state within your family, and that you are ready to tackle it on your own. The 1/3 of the payment should be considered rent from her, and not part owner. You might suggest she get a small little place near you so that your daughter can visit as much as she would like her to. You might also suggest this because you have taken on 4 other children and a new husband, and that is more than enough people under one roof to try and please, and to keep your relationship with her a good one, it might be the right thing to do for her to move out, and then you could visit her with the baby without the lovely noise of 5 children around. (you might have a better relationship) Just put it as a benefit for your relationship with her and not a negative one and it should not be as bad as you think. Shoot, she might be wanting to leave, but feels obligated to helping you......

R., You can start off by telling your Mom that ever since you remarried and the new family moved in, you see she is not happy. Then you can present to her your options... You can refinance the house and get her name off the mortgage, or you can all go your separate ways.. However you put it, you should not tell her you are miserable with her there, but that she is the one who looks like she is not happy and you want to help her, you owe her so much for coming in and rescuing you and getting you back on your feet, and now that you are on your own feet you want to help her be happy... This is a difficult situation, I hope it works out for you all. J.

I know your explaination is long, but the answer is short....MOVE.
Tell her y'all need a bigger house and it's time for you to be out on your own.
If she really wants to be part of your childrens' lives, she'll come around like a reg. grandma.
Good Luck.

C. (SAHM of 4 boys)

You're in a tough position.

You mention your mother; but nothing about your father or step-father. I don't know anything; but what you've mentioned about the relationship between you and your mother. Has she always been so negative? My mom has always been a Debbie Downer due to her own past experiences. Do you think this could be the same issue for your mom? I'm not agreeing with your mother, by any means; just talking out loud.

Anyhow, you need to talk to your mom about things you've been observing about her attitude and behavior. You should tell her just what you mentioned in your original post, "it's tough enough raising a family..." Although, I'd probably word it a little differently, "the additional family members seem to be causing you stress. I mention this because..." I would also agree that you and your family need to live in your own home without your mother. Since your mother has been your support when you needed someone most, and you have been living in your mother's investment home; you and your husband could offer to help do any repairs or small upgrades to help the home sell. I think that would be a nice appreciation gift.

Practice your conversation in the mirror or with your husband; when you can stay neutral and non-emotional, then you're ready to speak to your mom. She'll most likely be upset since she is very close to your 2 yr old and will not like the idea of living alone. I'm sure she loves the company and closeness of having you and your 2yr old in the same home. Don't let her pull you in to an emotional fight.

Good luck.

Well, first you need to talk to your mom about it all. She may not like it, but at least you know that you tried to do it the right way. Tell her that you feel like you need your own family without making it her fault. Explain your thoughts on your options - selling the house, moving out, whatever. Try to do it amicably and if it doesn't work, then just do what you need to do to make yourself, your family, and your home HAPPY. You have no control over anyone else's feelings and if your mom doesn't like it after trying to cooperate with her, then that's just too bad for her. You have to do what you have to do. Your daughter is more important than your mom getting her feelings hurt because you're trying to be an independent, responsible adult. Good luck to you and stick to your husband - you'll need each other if it gets ugly.

Find some other place to live, this will help the children and your marriage. Your mother will have the house that she has been telling you about and you will have some peace. Your family is more important at this time and she needs to know this. I do not remember what or if you said your husband did for a living it will be tight but you do need to at least look and it may help if you let her know why. There are church's and groups that may be able to help you find a place to move to also. School has started so start in the area where your children attend school. Good luck this is a hard one for everyone.

My Mother sounds similar. She is always criticizing and blaming others but is never willing to take responsibility for her own situations. I know this will sound too simple, but just talk to her. She may not realize how drastically she is acting. Maybe she is keeping an emotional distance between herself and your new family, thinking that it will fail. She needs to know how much you appreciate her. Have your first talk about that, about how great you think things are with your new family and how happy you are with them. Later (alone) bring up her attitude towards the stepchildren. Tell her you don't feel she is treating them fairly. If it doesn't get better, call her out or defend them when she is on the attack and point out her behavior. Each time you talk with her step it up a notch, but don't do it all at once...she may not even get that there is a problem. If you get to the point, don't hesitate to tell her how much you and your husband want to provide for yourselves. Think about offering to buy the house from her and to let her stay rent free to thank her for all that she has done for you. (later you can pullbthe Motherly "as long as you are living under my roof..." or in the most drastic circumstances, asking her to leave. Good luck, be honest and remember all she has done for you, but don't let it ruin your new life. In the meantime, give your new kiddos extra love and kindness!

I think you have to bite the bullet and just tell her in a nice way that she is hurting your family you are married how you do not need her to take care of you'll any longer and don't forget to pray before you have your talk the lord will give you the words to say so you will not hurt her feeling and if you happen to step on her toes with this talk remember she needs you as much as you needed her in the pass.

As it is her house, you can move out. Thank her for all that she has done and move with your daughter and new family. Whether it be to a new house or apartment. She has no right to keep you there (unless you have signed some sort of lease.) So, give her 2 weeks or 30 days notice and leave! Don't let her try and guilt you into staying with promises that the situation will improve. You could try to remain a close distance from each other so she could remain close to you and her grandchildren. Just tell her you and your husband need more privacy and are ready to be totally self sustaining. God bless your family.

You have been given a lot of advice but I think the best advice is to go to a counselor. It sounds like you need a third party to be involved so your mother might not hold you personally responsible. It is a difficult situation that you need to resolve as soon as possible because there is so much pain being inflicted. I'll be praying for you!

R.,
I truly feel for you. It is difficult to have to take a stand with family members. But, just as you feel your mother was there for you during your difficult times, this is your time as a mother to protect and be there for your children, and I do mean all of them.
Take Mom aside, and talk to her of how much she means to you, how you truly appreciate all she did for you and your younger child, and how grateful you are for everything she has done. But then let her know that with her help, you have grown and matured, and it is now time for you and all of your family to spread your wings and be out on your own. Ask her for her input on how to handle the house situation. Let her know that you would go out and look for a new residence if she felt like keeping the house, or maybe you could help her look for something that is a little bit more in her budget for her. She may be hurt at first, or you never know, she may feel a little bit of relief to move on with her life too.
Do not let your fears of her relationship with your youngest child stop you. If she has always been there, she will continue to, but you are harming the other four children. If she cannot treat them all equally, it isn't fair. Of course, the youngest usually gets a bit more attention, but other than that, it should be equal.
I will pray for you and your family, that you are able to make the choices that are best for you and yours, and that your relationships are all strong and healthy.

J.

Well you definitely have one to many people in this new blended family :) Mamas gotta go! I know you are living in her house, so in that case I guess you guys have to go. But I don't know if you will have to part ways. You are going throught a great emmotional journey and have taken on a lot of new things in life so of course you are making a lot of new discoveries. But you do only have one mom. I know she may be difficult but my two cents is just make your decision about what you will do with your husband and then inform your mom. She doesn't get a say in what your and your spouse decide to do. After the dust settles, just be her daughter. If she is constantly bringing up things that are not in her realm of authority just tell her "Mom, my husband and I made that decision, I am not going to discuss it further." It sounds a bit harsh but she will get through it. If she pulls away from you, you can't control that, but hopefully you guys will eventually come to a more healthy relationship with healthy boundaries. Best wishes!!! :)

If the real estate market is okay in your neck of the woods and you can sell for what you owe or bought the house for, I'd sell and go your separate ways. Tell her you thank her for what she has done for you and that it's time she gets to be just grandma.

If that's not an option, you will probably have to delve into the emotions of it all. But your stepchildren are human too and nobody deserves that kind of treatment.

I pray for the best outcome. Best wishes!

Dear R.,
As you've stated your relationship withyour mom is rocky.Since you know that she'll probably say its her house.Let go all together.You and your new husband should start a new life in a new homestead.New beginngs can be good.Just make your plans to start the process of finding a house.Make sure you can carry out your plans.Next would be to sit your mom down and tell her in the most kindest voice why your moving.As for your daughter and your moms relationship it could still exist as long as she doesn't contaminate that too,now or in the future.
Theres no reason why children should live in fear of someone especially if thats their home.you and your husband are the adults and need to make a family and home for yourselves and not depend on mom.you live w/in yalls means and live in a house you can afford. Peace of mind is better than living in KAOS by someone elses doing.You just have to do it.Good luck.

Sounds like you already know what you need to do but are having a hard time making that step which is completely understandable. She's your mom! Have you told her how you feel or considered family counseling so that everyone can get their feelings out in the open. Maybe she doesn't realize she is that way and it could open her eyes. I have to say though, if it were me, I would say it was time for you to move on with your immediate family. If that means she has to sell the house because she can no longer afford it, so be it. You helped her out just as much as she was helping you out if she couldn't afford the house on her own so you shouldn't feel bad about that. You deserve to be happy and so does your family and if she doesn't want to be a part of that then, well, maybe you all shouldn't be living together.
Best of luck getting this all worked out.

I don't think I have anything new to add. Lots of good avice being given. I would say the most important thing is "the marraige relationship is the one you must put first" Involve your new husband in the decision making process also. I would let your mom decide if she wants to sell the house to you or just keep it and you move out. Make sure it is her decision so she can't come back and say you forced her out! Also, spend a lot of time telling her how much you appreciate all that she has done for you and that you value a continued relationship, just that you need to concetrate on the new family for a while. Good luck

Wonderful advice here. Health of marriage and children
come first. I think you must take into consideration
that you may need her help in the future. If and when
you cut the strings, it's gotta be for real and not
played like a yoyo. Good luck.

I haven't logged onto this site in a while, but I still get the digests and had to respond to you.

I really feel for you. You're right about relationships being damaged by whatever you do, especially the relationship between your daughter and your mother, but you have to look at it from another angle. You were talking about the vibes you get from your mother as well as the way she treats your step-children. Even though she treats your daughter well now, how long will that last? As young as she is, it won't be long before your daughter starts understanding things your mother does and will either develope a complex or become a spoiled brat...neither of which you want.

As to how, I'm not sure on that, but you do need to get away from her. One relationship that is good is not worth sacrificing your entire family for. Sure your mother helped you out when things were tough, but it seems to me like you are helping her out now as well as taking a lot of s---- from her. You don't need that, and if the shoe was on the other foot, you can bet she would see it that way. I understand that the mortgage is in her name. You can have some documents drawn up stating that she agrees not to sell the home out from under you and that should you decide to sell that she would sign the appropriate papers at the appropriate time...in other words, effectively tying her hands so that she can do nothing to you when all this hits the fan.

None of this will be easy, but it sounds like you haven't had an easy life anyway; so this should be par for the course. Don't fall for any guilt trips your mother may play on you. Those are poisonous, but sometimes effective. Sure she raised you and helped you through a tough time, but just how much are you supposed to take? It needs to end now.

Good luck!

Every minute of misery is a minute of happiness lost -- never to be recaptured. Life is too short, live for today.

In my humble opinion, you should sell the house, and begin life in separate houses. Even though your 2yo daughter may have a change in her daily routine with Grammie, everyone will be better off with the new living arrangements. Step-children have a difficult enough time fitting in with a blended family. First and foremost, they do not deserve this unloving treatment from your mom. Secondly, do you want your 2yo to grow up witnessing this role of mistreating the other children, and "learning" or thinking it is acceptable? Sounds to me that you and your husband want a loving and happy home. With your mother under the same roof, you, he, nor the children are in the environment you want and desire.

Go to counseling first so you can start to communicate with your mom. This way you both will have the tools to move forward in the right direction whether it is together or not. I think if you leave all this pain and untold issues you will cause permanent damage to your relationship.

Give yourself and her a chance, you never know what feels she is holding in towards you that is causing her to act out at you!

Find a good counselor, most insurances will cover the sessions and it would be worth it to try this before just ending everything.

Good luck, please take the advice first.

You will have to make a tough decision...hurt your Mom now and make things better for your children and spouse...or stay and make things easier with your Mom at the detriment to everyone else. You are still building your children up for the world, they need you most...as does your husband. This should be their time. I would suggest you all find new places to live, if she isn't willing to sell to you. You can be truthful with your Mom and respect her by letting her know that your family needs to bond on it's own. You have to be a unit with them first. She will always be special to you and your daughter, and can have special times with you, just not by living together. Let her know there is too much pressure on you and you have to make things easier right now. She may be upset intially, but eventually she'll figure out that you all needed some space.

Step children are blessings and no grandmother should show partiality. My son has custody of his daughter and step daughter. I love both the same. I feel we were blessed & I know we are the best shot in life that child has.

Tell her you or she should move. It's her choice. If she can't afford the house on her own then she shouldn't be tossing it in your face that it is her house. She should be thankful or be on her own by now. The life you are living is not fair to you, your husband or your children.

It's not fair to your child either. She'll grow up thinking she is better than her siblings like my brother did. Dad favored him because he felt responsible for him falling out of his car on his head. Now, none of us can stand him. He can do no wrong. He's now about 60 and has no good friends either. So, you would be doing your own daughter a favor.

If she's going to shut you out out of her life then let her. It's her loss. But, your family is too important to allow her to cause those kinds of selfish conflicts.

You said there is no way out of this without people getting hurt. But, what you've got to decide now is WHO gets hurt. Her or your whole family.

I can relate...I'm currently going through a divorce and many of the complaints my soon-to-be-ex had was with my family-especially my mother. The two of us started off in marriage counseling and then I continued on my own. I won't spend too much time lamenting all of his issues that he refuses to recognize, but I have been able to recognize many of the problems that are there within my family. My mother was a life saver for me also when both my husband and I were active duty military with a young child, but then we started to see how he was becoming unmanageable-partly because of how she spoiled him (I have gotten out the military, but I am still dealing with issues 4 years later). My mother likes to go to extremes (spoiling him rotten and then being very hard on him), but since she is always well intended, it's hard for me to confront her. Through therapy (and several books), I am slowly getting better about not allowing myself to be the mediator for everyone. I still backtrack on my "Ms. Fix-it" personality, but I'm much better than before. It seems that you have solved many of your personal issues, so you're probably ahead of me in many ways, but I would suggest reading the book "Boundaries" by Drs.Cloud and Townsend. It helped me realize that how my mom reacts to things and how I "rescue" her with her problems is not healthy for either of us. When you approach her, remember to tell her that you love her and how you appreciate everything she's done for you, but you will not allow her to be disrespectful to your family. Most likely she will not be receptive and will fight you at first, and you may even have to move out. This will hurt your daughter, but if she stays around your mother's behavior, it may hurt her more-we can never tell what influences a child (what they hear/see that they don't tell us). This, of course, will not be easy, so ensure that you surround yourself with a constructive support network. Also remember that her personality was not developed in a day, so don't expect it to change in one-give her credit for trying. If she truly loves you and your daughter, she will make the effort. If not, then don't allow her to poison you and your new family.

Really good advice already. I think a good way to present this is that she has always been a rock and she has helped you to build yourself up to be able to take care of yourself. Getting your own place and becoming the rock of your new family is the natural step and also pays honor to the legacy that she has given you.

Creating autonomy is the greatest gift of love a parent can givce their children. She has helped you do that. You need to be able to give that to your children as well.

At some point, once the dust has settled, it would be very helpful to ask her some open-ended questions re: how to foster a more loving relationship between your new family and your mom.

Good luck and God bless.

Wow, this has got to be hard for you. You must first think about the family you have made: you, your husband, and your five children(step and all). You are all a family (an immediate family) and it seems as though, if your mother is that closely around, you will have problems that could be detrimental to your family and maybe even cause a hate toward your youngest. It seems as though the best thing to do is to sell the house, give her her portion, and start a new life with your new family. If you don't it could break up your marriage, cause a horrible relationship with your mom, or even cause your daughter to not get along with her new siblings! Your stepchildren are also at a critical age that the constant criticism could be life impacting (especially at the junior high level) a feeling of never being good enough. There are too many cooks in the kitchen. How are you and your husband suppose to work as a team when you have someone else that strongwilled putting in their two cents. Break free and start your new life. Yes it will hurt her, but she's your mom and she loves you. You can only pray that in time she will understand.

You need to talk to your husband first and see if it is possible to MOVE to another house. As far as moving away, if you are no in the same house anymore, moving to a different town is not really necessary!
If you can afford to move, I would start getting a realtor and getting some flyers from other houses. Leave them laying around and then approach your mom on you and your husband wanting to venture out on your own. You may get an "about time" or a "what the heck are you thinking". Just let it be about you two and your children wanting a change or independence, NOT ABOUT HER!! No, she can't afford the house on her own. That is her problem. It's her house! She has made that abundantly CLEAR!! So, let her deal with that problem. She can rent it out or whatever.
If you cannot move, you'd better either suck it up or bite your lip and sit down and really have an honest talk with her. It is YOUR JOB to raise your kids and deal with the problems, NOT HERS. If she is being rude, overly critical, or scaring the children, she needs to know about it.
Personally, I am in the same exact boat. I'm a single mom with two small kids and live with my mom, so I know first hand, how things can get!! You live together, you need to be able to talk about things without killing each other! It's hard, but it can be done. Yes, she will say some things that you don't want to hear or don't like. I'm sure you will have the strength to tell her how you feel too and she wont like it either, but you are still family and these things need to get handled for the sake of the children. They are and should be your FIRST priority!

Good luck! Just think, at least she can't ground you anymore!

I'm not sure that anyone can really help you, but in reading over all of the advice maybe you will find something that would work for you, only you know the people and feelings involved. I do have sympathy for you and the difficult position you find yourself in.

Ok, so my suggestion would be to "reassess the needs of your house." If you have a much larger family living there now, even sporadically, you could broach the topic in a non-hurtful way by just saying you and your husband feel that while you love the house, you feel you have outgrown it and need more space for your expanded family (plus you are young enough there may be more little ones to come and even more need for space). Tell her that you think it is time to sell (I like the suggestion of splitting profit of the house even if it is as high as 50-50 - while you paid more of the mortgage, thanks to your mom you didn't have to rent). That way both of you would have something to put into a new house.

Let your mom know that you guys would like to move to a place of your own, but that you would still like her close by. You could even look into neighborhoods with various-sized houses (bigger for your family and some smaller easy to take care of house for your mom in the same neighborhood or nearby). This would put "distance" between you but not alienate her. It would also give you back control of your home and finances. Then, without her living there her daily interaction would be less. Hopefully everyone's strain would ease and you may even find your mom more tolerable towards all of the kids. But, if she is still a problem after the move you could lay down rules for YOUR house. If she doesn't like it, at least you are in control of your own home and can't be "blackmailed" into doing what she wants.

Good luck.

Hi R.,
Get out of there as soon as possible. It is her house and how she makes the repayments is her problem. If she took the time to get to know you and the other kids I would be more sympathetic, but she is mean and manipulative.
Cut you losses and find a new home. Life is too short to have her ruin it for you and your precious kids. You and your husband and kids come first.
Maybe some tough love will make her wake up and learn to be a better person.
I used to put up with people being mean to me and one day I just learn to stop having those people around me. I enjoy life a whole lot better now. I don't feel guilty about looking after myself. I had to do it for my own sanity.
Good luck. You must be a really nice person to have put up with her for so long.
W.

Have you talked to your mom about how she treats the kids and how this is affecting them? What does she have to say? I think the best thing for you to do is sit down to talk with her and let her know that 1. the marital relationship comes first. If this is having any impact on your interaction with your husband, mom has got to go!. 2. all of the children deserve to be equally loved or at least deserve kindness. In that same token the children must show her respect. You can't fight evil with evil. 3. you and your husband have to decide what is best for your family. If your mom can't afford the house alone then the best route would be to sell it. Just plan on not getting a dime since it is not legally in your name and she probably won't share.

I think this is a great opportunity to model to the kids appropriate behavior when dealing with tough situations. As difficult as your mom is don't forget that she is still your mom and you must respect her! She might not respect you back but that sin is on her, not you. Make sure it's a two way conversation. If she has nothing more to say than reminding you of how much she did for you, simply say thank you and tell her how much you appreciate all she has sacrificed but you and your husband have decided to go your own way. Again, mom is not a part of the marital relationship. There is no reason why she can't see the baby. She must love being a grandma but plenty of grandma's do not live with their grandchildren yet still have a close relationship.

wow....you have a tough road ahead of you...but bravo to you for having the courage and the realization that it needs to taken. First, it seems that the pros of NOT living with your mother far outweigh the cons. Second, presentation is everything in life. If you were to wait for the right moment and consider carefully HOW to, it may not be a bad idea for you to just simply be honest with your mother and let her know your feelings about her interactions with your stepchildren. If you gently let her know that you're very hurt and concerned about how she treats your (new) children, perhaps she will surprise you and try to do better. At least you'll know you gave her the opportunity to try and reverse her affects on the children. If she reacts angrily and refuses to consider both sides of the situation, then you have no choice but to protect your family. Your family consists of you, your children and your husband. It would be wonderful if your mother could be a part of it but until she accepts that your family means ALL your children and your husband (and you, of course), then you'll need to separate your family from her.
Easier said than done...however, keep reminding yourself of who really matters here....the children. They never asked to be put in the position they're in and they are trusting their parents to keep them in positive, trusting environments. Since they have no control over that and you do, you have to choose to make the right call for what's best for your children. It's never right for children to grow up seeing there is favoritism within the family. What lesson is that teaching them?
Hope this helps,
Jen

I have read the other advice give and agree with most of it.

But I think that I have a little different perspective. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my grandmother's death. She was a strong woman with many opinions. It is amazing how all of the criticism I saw and heard from her fades as the time passes now that she is gone. All that remains is the wonderful times I had with her and the knowledge that she loved me and I her.

It is important that you protect your kids from hurt. I don't know what the answer is, but I would say just talking to your mom in neutral location or with a counselor should be the first step. Hopefully, she isn't aware she is doing it and makes an effort to change.

I know that all of your children should be first in your responsibilities as it should be. But please when you talk to your mother or seek counseling with her, try not burn your bridges. Some day she won't be there anymore and you don't want to live with regrets the rest of your life that you can't do anything about. I am thankful that I don't. At one time, I had had a problem with my grandmother. She hurt me deeply and never asked for forgiveness. I don't even know if she knew. But I forgave her, after awhile. Thankfully, by the time she was very ill, that problem wasn't there to interfere with my last days with her.

I will pray for you.

YOur children need to be your priority. First your husband, then your kids. Your mother should respect that. Find an option that does not include your living at your mothers house. See what your options are. If they are something that will work, tell her you have options. See if she is willing to (A: let you buy the house, B: have her NOT live there- like earlier, C: still be gram from a different home she lives in)?

Your children, full or step- only have a little while under your care, and your mom has had plenty of time with you. She should know that you have to change priorities a bit for now.

Best of luck, Blessings ~ Laur

I am so sorry, but the best advice I can give is to either get out or get her out. If she is willing you can do a deed transfer where you just transfer the house in to you name and you wont loose the investment. But if she isn't willing to do that just tell her that you and your new husband are ready to start a life on your own and you hate to move your kids out of the house they grew up in so would she be willing to sell it to you. If not you and your husband just need to go find a new house. Don't make it about her. Just say you and your husband need a space of your own. Express your desire to keep her grand child close to her. But its not fair for your new husband or your new step kids to have to put up with that. It will destroy your marriage.
K.

This is where YOU must display tough LOVE. When you marry you leave you father & mother-true she did help you, however is seem that comes with a price. You can not have a healthy home, marriage, motherhood etc--with a gavel held over your head of intemidation from your MOM and the trip I see that she puts you. You and your husband sit down and make a plan to make the hard decisions for your family. Your Mom will not like it but she will not stop loving you are will you loose love for her. This problem is about control and she likes it.

Praying you will be strong--we women have a problem with --the Oh what if??Oh I need to do tht because they are family and so on. Get your husbands support and as Suze Orman would say go for it girlfriend it is the best for you.

God Belss You--K.