Dinners with Our Toddler

Hi K.! I understand completely - my 22-month old has been doing this for awhile now. Especially since my husband and I started dieting and I'm cooking very healthy meals for dinner. Both kids are refusing, which is hard because I never had a problem with my five-year old - ever. The older I can make eat, eventually, even if there are tears and bargains, etc., but the one-year old I just cry, because he won't eat, night after night. ANd I'm with you - once you start making something special, even if it's a default PBJ, they'll always expect it. And the doctor said, "A child will not starve himself". But he will even wait until everything is put away and we've moved on to the living room, and then he'll start bringing the snacks to us - raisins, applesauce, bars. (Nothing is out of reach for this kid, he will find a way to get what he wants - another difference between the two, his sister never climbed). Well, last week I started telling him very firmly he needed to eat, and when he shoved the food away or whatever, and pouted, I just picked him up and put him in his bed. The first time I forgot about him because I got to arguing with the five-year old over her food, but once I got him out, and every time after that, he just sits right down and eats! Give it a try. They are smart, and they understand a lot more language than you'd think. SO reason with him, explain to him why he needs to eat - at least he's hearing the words and internalizing them. Don't give in! Good luck!

I second the moms who say tackle this firmly right away. I highly recommend Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. They have materials especially for toddlers and preschoolers.

I was soft on my first, and let him get away with so much. Now he's almost four, and I've had to tackle some problems that I should have addressed long, long ago. It's much easier to teach them young, than to try to fix behavior later. He's not too little. You can teach sign language beginning around 6 months, and love and logic around 8 months. You are about at the halfway point to 3 years old, which is kind of a turning point.

You are not going to have to be mean, but you will need to be firm. It's best for all of you.

You already have fight on your hands so if you don't draw your line in the sand it will never stop. You could give him two choices so he has a decision to make but I think he might be too young for that I am not sure. My guess is he will fight it anyway. I have 11 kids and I think this is about him wanting control at this point more than food. Boy do they learn this one early. So prescious but so selfish as well! He will learn very quickly but you will be punishing yourself more than him if you stick to your guns, but once he knows what the rules are and that you won't bend he won't try to test you on it very often. The stronger willed of a child he is the longer it will take. Whatever approach you decide to take I will pray for you and your ability to stand firm and be consistant. I think that is more than half the battle right there. If we are inconsistant they see that and use it against us. It is like giving them permission to keep on trying to get their way since they know eventualy we will give in. Best wishes!

K.

K. I wish I could give you a solution that would be quiet and peaceful but I'm afraid that wouldn't work. You are smart not to give in to the snacks but giving him any alternate food is setting up a situation that could haunt you. I have three children and they were all raised that what is served for dinner is all that will be offered. Your little guy is not too young for this concept believe me! In fact this food issue here is probably his way of gaining control of the dinner hour. Children do this to test out their surrounding and the people around them. It's like knowing that at Grandma's house you rule and that's not necessarily a bad thing but in limited arenas. Try telling him ahead of time what is for dinner and explain that that is all. If when he gets to the table and starts to complain you can tell him it was no surprise and (this is the hard part) don't give in. When the tantrum starts(and it will) remove him from the table and put him in time out. Each time he pulls this repeat the time out. He really won't starve and in the long run it may help you to tackle other problems. Just remember that children,especially little ones, are constantly testing their control over their environment it is the way they grow and learn to exist in the world. I hope this helps you and your little guy too. Oh if the screaming is too much you may want to invest in a pair of earplugs! Good luck...it will get better.

Continue to serve hin what you and your husband eat and do not, another time give into the snack control which has been successful at least once. He will not starve if he goes several nights without dinner. One thing parents these days need is control over their children. I don't believe in tantrums and time outs. I believe in firm looks that say no and a mouth that says no and a rarely used pop on the tush that says no. I have a 28 year old son who is great. So if he throws a tantrum at the table because he is not getting his way, put him in his room and let him cry it out. He will learn. If you keep giving snacks, he will become insistent and you will have control issues beyond food. Good luck! J. Gordon

You've gotten a lot of great advice. Mine is pretty much the same. Keep trying and be patient. I've never fixed my daughter a completely seperate meal from ours but I try to supplement her meal with things I know she'll eat. As a toddler I would give her a little bit of our meal but add diced tomatos and shredded cheese. After watching us eat she would usually try most of the stuff on her plate. Now she is 6 and still has her moments of refusing to eat but she has also learned that if she doesn't eat what she's given she's not getting anything else. Her choice. And she's still broadening the foods she likes. Things we've always eaten and she has refused in the past, she now loves (ie: squash). So don't stress. He will eat. Just don't introduce too many new things at once. And make sure he sees you eating it too.

Good Luck!

Hey K.,
Make sure he isn't getting any thing before dinner time. No snacks, grapes, applesauce, milk, juice, cheerios, food, etc. and he will probably be hungry. Don't get caught up in the word "snack", it is still food whether it's good for him or not and will fill him up and will "cement" that he can have his own way. Mom, you have to be smarter than he is. He's only 17 months and he's got you in his pocket. Put his dinner in front of him and just ignore him and eat your dinner. I know, I know, you don't want him to be hungry, but
once you give in he will be a teeny monster to live with. Guess you already have one right? Tough love starts now!! Walk away and let him throw his fit. I sound like I have no heart, but believe me I do and this is the best thing you could do for him. Be consistent and most of his tantrums will go away. He's too young to be the boss.
Good Luck darlin'.

I am right at that stage with mine...of course, mine is #4....so mostly, you are doing fine, not to panic!!! I NEVER worry that children will starve. They eat when they are hungry and don't eat if they do not need to. THEY are great at maintaining a healthy weight--right from the start--so mostly I stand back and let them do it. Because at 40 I still eat for other reasons! Continue as you are, he will eat, and better yet....he will be just fine!

Hi K.,
If you typically have not allowed this type of eating, then his body is telling him something that should bother you. He may be craving carbs or sugar - which could indicate a number of digestive issues. I am sure you will get all the behavior techniques and suggestions you can use, so I am going to just add something with a little different angle.

If his body has developed some digestive issues (which if you do any reading at all, the last two generations suffer from a wide range of auto-immune and digestive issues), then you can try the first thing usually recommended - gluten free casien free diet. These are the most difficult items to digest, but they are also the two that act as opiates for the brain -thus are what children seem to crave more than anything. It may seem radical, but I have seen it work over and over...and over. Gluten free, casein free diets can take 1-2 months to see improvement, but my son made major improvements in two weeks. Within 6 months, he went from being force fed (nearly literally, but he would only eat if we forced the first few bites, then fed him the rest) to eating heartily, everything on his plate and asked for more. We found we were eating healthier and his temperament improved dramatically. There is a document called GFCF in 10 weeks written by TACA that is a great document for parents working with digestive issues. Also a yahoo group called GFCFKids.

If you go to Whole foods or Harry's,, you could scan their section for interesting books on children and digestive sensitivities/allergies. You also may consider getting an IGG allergy (food sensitivity) test done on him. It was amazing for us. We did GFCF for 6 months saw big improvement, but when we did hte IGG, we found peanuts were off the charts. Removing peanuts was a big, huge step for us and then we were able to really see the temperment improve.

Start now, while he is young and you are in control. Yes, you could find out that you just need to clean out your pantry and be more consistent, but what if he did have the problems, and you waited?

Best of luck, J.

K.-I dont have any advice for you. But I am going through the samething with my 20 month old. I'll prepare dinner. She's put her bib on, sit her baby at the table and everything, then as soon as I put her food on the table, she immediaely picks it up and kindly says, "all done". She barely even looks at it. I try to feed her she refuses to even allow it near her mouth.

I will not make her any other food, but I will let her have milk.
Good luck, I'll be checking to see what type of responses you get.

Hi K.,
I have to say, I have been blessed with a very good eater, but my son who is 18 months old now has begun to get more picky. To be honest, the "trick" that works most often for us is to give my son his own spoon and let him try to feed himself whatever I put in front of him. We got the suction cup bowls so he can just dig the spoon in and try to pick up some of the casserole or soup or whatever.
I will usually also sit next to him with a spoon and feed him some of whatever it is he's eating. I don't know if this will work for you, but it has definitely worked for us. When he feels like he's the one feeding himself "like a big boy" then he tends to put up less of a fight about what is is he's eating. I also find that it's much easier to get him to try something new (and like it) if I feed him the new food first while he's the most hungry.

Good luck! I'm sure you'll find little tricks that work for your little one.

J.

hi,
i don't think he's too young to start expecting him to eat what you make for the family unless you are making some really fancy adult foods...which i don't think you are. and more importantly, i think you don't want to start a habit you're not wanting to keep up with...by feeding him things instead of what you're eating. i had a very picky eater, also, and even went to a seminar at northside because i was out of ideas...and the advice i got there was...make a well balanced meal, and include at least one item that you know he'll eat. make him try everything, but don't force him to eat it...but...he can only fill up with what's on the table...and then no snacks until the next scheduled snack/or mealtime..if they know there won't be anything else, sooner or later he'll eat what is there...and they also said that it takes a lot of tries before they like some foods...so he may not like broccoli the first time, but if he sees it alot, sooner or later he may...good luck!!

My daughter has been this way with food since about 18 months (she's 25 months now) and I used to worry that she'd starve, but I don't anymore (I know that is easier said than done). My daughter's problems are 1. she does not like to sit still and 2. she wants to be in control. So I trick her into eating healthy. While I'm making her dinner (and yes, I usually cook her something different than what we're having because I have more luck with chicken fingers and pizza than tuna casserole or fettucine alfredo!), I give her veggies and dip to "snack" on. She eats a whole pile of broccoli and carrots before she even gets dinner! Then she is pretty full and will only eat half of her pizza. So, I get a healthy meal in while she thinks she got to eat snacks and pizza! I also use kid-friendly recipes from The Sneaky Chef--for instance, her pizza sauce had pureed sweet potatoes in it. Sometimes it's just about being independent, so you'll have to give them their own spoon and close your eyes--it will be messy, but they will eat more. Sometimes I try to make things more fun by making sandwich shapes, letting her drink her applesauce through a straw (which she finds hilarious--go figure) etc. It can be a lot of work getting a toddler to eat healthy--good luck!

he is not too young for you to expect peaceful mealtime behavior. you may not get it every time, but imagine how hard it would be to transition later, at an age deemed "old enough" to behave at mealtime. it would never work!!

i had the same desire as you for my daughter - that she would eat the same meals my husband and i ate. i had a couple of little tricks that worked for me:
- anything i prepared (like, as you mentioned, spaghetti) that she would eat, i served to her on a small bowl or plate that looked just like the ones we were eating on. and i made a big deal that she was just like mommy and daddy.
- then on the nights i made things she MIGHT like, i served it the same way (matching dishes), but took a few small steps to make it more appealing. for example, i have this one chicken casserole thing i make, and instead of giving her the casserole, i would just save a few little pieces of chicken and a few little crackers (from the topping) and put it on her plate, pointing out that she had the same thing as mommy and daddy.

sometimes it was easy and sometimes it wasn't. i always made sure i had something on the table she would eat - an idea of "setting her up for success." we would have it on our plates, too, (i.e. applesauce) and even if she had a fit about other stuff on her plate, i could still say she was eating the same as mommy and daddy. she RARELY, if ever, saw me get up and make a special effort/meal just for her.

now she is almost 4 and i have been able to transition her into a new rule: she must try at least one bite of everything on her plate before she is allowed to say what she likes and doesn't like. if she can be a big girl and do that, i will gladly give her anything else she wants (within reason). i would say it works about 75% of the time that she finds out she likes something she initially turned up her nose at.

don't give in - as hard as it may be sometimes. set him up for success and eventually it will pay off. you are doing a great job!!
:)

YOu are focusing on this too much. I have 2 y/o twins and my daughter was the exact same way. I finally let her go without eating and she still does it some nights, but they will be fine. They will not starve. Also, simple dishes for toddlers- chicken tenders, spaghetti, peaches, hamburger- not casserole. My 2 y/o son is a great eater and he will not take casserole- or any dish that has stuff mixed together. I would not do time out- just give the healthy alternative and relax. It will get better- just give it time. Just make sure he is growing and gaining weight. If it bothers you - get some Pediasure and give it to him as a meal. That supplements the calories and nutrients.

Hi K.

I have twin two year olds and they do the same thing. My solution thus far is to ignore their reaction. I place a bowl of food on their tray with a drink and then fix my plate. My husband and I sit at the dinner table, right next to their highchairs and we eat. If the girls do not touch a thing, we ignore it until we are done eating. Usually, they will pick at their dinner and eat a little. If there is absolutely no food touched, I will then substitue with a peanutbutter sandwich or something I know they will eat. Before dinner we always do a yogurt cup. This eases my mind because I know they are not starving at bed time. Just a suggestion and a look at what I do. Obviously you have to do what works for your family. I am sure you will find a quick fix until the next stage starts! Ha, ha.

I agree with many of your other responses, you need to tackle the problem now before it gets worse. I also use the love and logic philosophy of parenting (check out their website loveandlogic.com) and 1-2-3 magic (parentmagic.com). I would say that it's very important to discipline now. My son, who is now 3, also had some trouble with eating his meals. What we did was limit his snacks during the day. We have 2 set snack times one about 2 hours after breakfast and about 2.5 hours before lunch then another snack time after his afternoon nap about 2-3 hours before dinner (we keep the snacks pretty small). This ensures that he is hungry at dinner. If he asks for food at other times we just tell him that dinner will be ready at... Also my pediatrician said that it is important to limit the intake of milk (my son was/is a huge milk drinker). While milk is very important to the diet of a little one you don't want them to fill up on it and skip the other important nutrients in their meals. We now limit my sons milk intake to 3 (sometimes 4) 9oz. cups a day. This made a huge difference. My son doesn't drink juice, but I've heard that juice should be limited to one small serving a day. I think that overall kids know how much their bodies need and it's important to teach them to listen to their bodies, but we as parents need to make sure that we are giving them healthy options and setting up good eating habits (i.e. eating meals at the table with loved ones).

Believe me when I say I know how you are feeling!!!! My daughter is now 3 1/2 years old now and she has been a picky eater since about 11 months old. It will get a little easier, but you will stay frustrated a lot of the time. My daughter sounds a lot like your son. For the longest time she would only eat applesauce, ravioli, and spaghetti. The biggest difference with her eating was the help I received from the daycare where she attends. I doubt your son is to the point where you can reason with him, but we always tried to express to our daughter that if she will at least try the food we are eating as a family and doesn't like it, then I will fix her something separate. Everyone will tell you that he will eat when he gets hungry, but no one really understands unless they have had a child like this. My older brother was a picky eater as a child and my mom has been a huge help. I talked about it with her doctor on many occasions. His daughter was a picky eater when she was younger. His suggestion was to give her vitamins to supplement what nutrients that she isn't getting from the food she eats. So don't pull your hair out just yet, he might be afraid to try new foods. That is what we have come to believe about our daughter because if we can talk her into trying it, at least 65% of the time she likes the food. You might even try blending or adding baby food to some of his favorites too. Good luck with your son cause I know the challenge that you are facing.

I think you're doing exactly the right thing, and I don't think your son is too young for you to expect him to eat with you. We did the same thing with our son, and at times he refused to eat, too, but he's a good healthy weight and I figured if he was hungry enough he'd eat. And he eventually did, and now at age three, he eats things other kids won't-- he eats salad every night (he even asks for extras sometimes), he likes raw vegetables, fish, spicy foods, you name it. I think he's had chicken nuggets and mac and cheese maybe twice in his life, and he doesn't seem to care. I congratulate you for making sure your son eats healthy meals with the rest of the family-- if you stick with it, it will pay off. Good luck!

He isn't old enough to understand why he needs to eat, but he is old enough to understand that if he holds out long enough, mommy will bring him something else that he'll happily eat!! People say kids don't know what mulipulation is but boy they sure know how to use it don't they!! You are going to have to draw the line and give him 2 choices (he'll figure this new routine out after a few times), he either eats his dinner or he doesn't eat at all. Period! You can either remove him to his room or allow him to sit with the rest of the family, no toys either, while they eat dinner. It sounds harsh, but if you don't learn how to draw the line now with him, you'll have nothing but constant battles as he gets older and he will learn even more how to get what he wants (mulipulation). There will probably be tears when he doesn't get his way, and that's ok, he'll live and after a few times he'll get the idea. Now if you noramlly give him a snack before bed, that is up to you weather or not he gets it (my 8yr old doesn't normall get snack if she doesn't eat her dinner), but make it healthy if he does get one.

Also, look at your seating arrangement at dinner time. Does your son sit in a highchair off to the side of the table or at the table with you and daddy?? If he isn't sitting at the table, you might want to consider moving his highchair to the table or putting him in a booster seat so he can be part of the family at meal times which might just help him eat better as well.

Good luck!
S.

Oh my do I remember those days. I struggled for almost a year to get my son who is now almost 3 years old to eat anything. He got strep one April and after that, he didn't eat much that we ate. We got to the point that the doctor was referring us to see a specialist, so that they could see if it was texture related or what. Anyhow, some advice that was given to me that helped me. This is what I did and was told.
1. See which time of the day he ate the most. My one had a huge breakfast every morning. He had either oats (from Kroger in the organic isle) or weetabix ( whole grain biscuit you can add milk / water too, you can find it at Publix in the organic isle), with baby pureed fruit, and a yogurt. So because he got most of his calories etc from breakfast, I was told not to stress to much about what he wasn't eating the rest of the day. (He also has a bottle of milk first thing in the morning -still does)
2. Put a dish of healthy snacks / fruit out which is in reaching distance for him and in a place that he walks past the whole time. When he is on the move and he wants something he will take a piece of apple out of the dish. That way he is not filling up on unhealthy snacks.
3. Make sure that he is not filling up on too much milk and juice during the day and just before eating.
4. This is what really helped at the time. The doctor said that he doesn't have to eat everything that I make for dinner, but he has to eat at least one thing. So, for instance, if it was soup and bread tonight, if he eats only bread that is great, but make sure it is whole wheat bread. Whenever you make the meals, only put a tiny amount of food on the plate for him. Also, try and get him to choose what he wants to eat, and let him help pre-pare the food - even if it is just rinsing the food off. I know it is hard now because he is still little but it does become easier - I promise.
5. I'm not sure what time your dinner time is, but something that works for me now is to make sure that he eats earlier than we do. My husband gets home between 5:30-7pm, so I now feed by little one at 5:30, if Daddy isn't home yet he still eats, but he gets to eat pudding, whilst Dad has his dinner.
6. I'm not sure if it will work now with your little one, but this really works for me. I once saw on Super Nanny or Nanny 911, that the child wouldn't eat his dinner, so they put him on the naughty step. I thought how cruel. Ha - what can I say. I now do this. Not because I'm forcing him to eat, but he also doesn't like to try new things and it is so much easier to say he has had enough than to eat, this gets him out of eating and he can go and play. At first I had to put him on the naughty step 4 or 5 times during one meal. Now I just say, if you don't eat you go to the naughty step and he eats. I still don’t force him to eat everything, as they don’t eat much and we tend to dish up more than they can eat., but he has to eat a bit of everything. Like I said, I'm not sure if the naughty step will work for you because my son has only recently started to take it seriously, before it was a big joke for him and he would go on it himself and even set the timer. But I carried on with it and he now knows it isn't a fun place.
7. Make sure that his dinner is ready to eat when you put him at the table, they get bored easily. Something we do, we allow him to have 2 cars at the table to play with, as this keeps him going. If he stops eating we take the two cars away. When the kids are that age, they don't want to sit at the table and eat they want to play, so the doctor also said don't force them, allow them to eat on the run, otherwise you end up spoiling dinner time and it becomes such a huge battle that mum and child ends up in tears. You can always make a tent and eat in there or have a picnic in the house, but at that age they don't really understand it, but it works when they are a bit older.

Don't give up hope, my son lived on spaghetti, chicken nuggets, apple, yogurt, drinkable yogurt, watermelon, grated cheese for almost a year (besides his breakfast.

My cooking styles differ from the American as I'm from South Africa, so we make our spaghetti different, but what you can try and do is add in finely chopped up veggie like, zucchini, yellow squash, sweet potato, broccoli in it or the other thing that I do is I buy the small cans/ tins of V8 juice and add that in instead of water to any of my meals. Do you ever make Sheppard’s pie/ cottage pie. With the ground beef and mash - that is a good one too, you can add in so many different veggies in it.

As long as he is not losing weight he will be fine. I so clearly remember being at the doctors, crying away, as I felt so helpless, saying he is not eating, I can't do this any longer and they would say, well he hasn't lost any weight so he is eating something right and you are doing something right. Keep your chin up, it is hard, but you will make it thru this stage. Just don't let him be in control. Good luck.

I just want to say that I feel for you and completely understand your situation. My daughter did the exact same thing at the same age of your son and tries sometimes even these days. She's going to be 2 this next month. I too made things I knew she liked and she would refuse and even throw them on the floor sometimes. We found that most of the time there was a reason for her moodiness. Usually she had a tooth coming in or she was tired but I did resort to time outs and no food besides her nighttime bottle before bed. I found that once she realized I was serious about her eating what was given to her we had less of a problem but it was a power struggle for a while. My daughter loves fruit so I would bribe her or make a deal that if she ate a couple bites of spagetti she could have an apple or whatever she wanted and I found after she ate the fruit she would just naturally start eating or picking at the other food on her plate. I think you are doing what you can...sometimes some kids just are not into sitting at the boring table...maybe try some alternatives like playing mellow music that he enjoys during dinner so he can bop to the beat or play a favorite video for background noise or play a game like put all the plates on the table and say switch and everyone takes one bite of each other food and pass it around doing so until the plates are back where they started so he sees he's eating the yummy food you are eating and remind him how good it is "hmmm...these green beans are yummy" so that it peaks his interest. I find that with tantrums, distraction and then redirection works best and resolves the original issue in the first place. Good luck!

Hi K.,

Discipline is never too early and no, it's not too much to expect to have a peaceful mealtime. I never gave my girls things that they hated (no one wants to eat that) but I always insisted on them eating what I had made or at least most of it.

I would remove the snacks from the house and only have "real" food available. Tell him there are no snack foods and show him the empty cupboard. He WILL get hungry and he will eat.

On a health note, if he is used to snacks, even fruit and spaghetti, he probably has a problem with yeast and has an addiction sugar. It's prominent in almost 80% of the population. Yeast does not show an outward presence unless the body is completely eaten up with it. It's not hard to get addicted to sugars (white breads, processed pastas and even potatoes) and your body will crave it; just like women want chocolate, kids want their sugars....it can get maniacal!

A probiotic/prebiotic will always help with his digestion and can help wean a child off of sugar. I know a good one if you're interested. Yogurt does not have enough acidophilous to remove yeast, just enough to prevent it if it's not already there.

Hope I helped K.! God bless!

M.