Discipline - Pompano Beach, FL

I do not think is is cruel or wrong, being a single mom myself I believe that the children should help no matter what the living situation is.

Good for you; You can't afford to waste time. You did the right thing and don't feel bad. Sounds like they got the message.

If talking to them doesn't work, you got them where it will do some good; their sleep.

Hi K.!
I have a feeling that I'll be in the minority with this but - GOOD FOR YOU! Too many kids have no consequences these days, for fear that we'll hurt their self-esteem. You had a problem - you solved it - and your kids are better for it! I applaud you for your hard work. You could have taken the easy way out and cleaned up after them yourself - but you stood your ground and MADE them do it on your terms! YAY K.!

You've made my day!
M.

You are definitely heading in the right direction (I'm still working on the same issues)! I would SERIOUSLY look into Love and Logic. You could try their website or find the book, Parenting with Love and Logic. (When I'm exhausted, the last thing I want to do or feel I can do is read a book, but I would say it is worth the read!! If not, get one of their videos for a quicker overview, but I think they're high priced...) Their methods are EXCELLENT for helping kids learn to be responsible and deal with consequences, and they are all about not repeating yourself. It's the actions/consequences that do the teaching, and you don't become the bad guy (or gal!). I can't summarize the whole book, but it will help you in more ways than just with work around the house, and you'll be happier. It's just hard to change old habits (which is why I'm still working on using their ideas--ha ha). Good luck!

You dont mention the ages of your children. 5am MIGHT be a bit harsh if they arent getting enough rest. Try a chore chart. This way its the chart telling them, not you. And no TV, computer, etc. until they check off the chores on the chart. Again, make sure the chores are age appropriate. You shouldnt be expecting a 3 year old to clean up all his toys without help and guidance. On the flip side, do I know what your saying!! Now I know why my parents always said "its like I'm talking to a wall!" God give us all the strength to get through these early years, only to go onto the terror of teens.....ahhhhhhhhh!

Hi K. - Mary got to you first, but I was going to applaud you for your ingenuity. I too am a single working Mom with 3 kids. It is a constant battle with my middle child. Example: She is the only one who makes Honor Roll on a regular basis - fantastic right. Her room - a testing ground for nuecs!

I decided new year - new approach. So I sat down with my sister (who lives next door and keeps my kids while I work) and we came up with things that each of the kids likes to do. Then we made a list of all their problem areas and then we came up with a time line. SO far we are into the second week nad they all earned something positive on Friday. Lets see what this next week brings.

I have taken EVERYTHING out of my son's room before except 1 set of clothes and his bed (sheets etc). He still cannot/willnot keep it tidy!!

Stay strong girl - don't give in - they will grow up to be better individuals because of the life skills that you are teaching them.

Also try this - when you ask them to do a task and they don't do it,return the favor! Next time they ask YOU for something say OK then don't do it and say Oh I just forgot or what ever excuse they use.

God bless
M. F

i was watching a show one time (Oprah or something like that) where this single mother had the same problem with her children. what she did was that any time her kids didn't pick up there toys, she would put them in a trash bag and tell the kids that if they didn't pickup their toys that they obviously had no respect for them or that they didn't want them anymore and so they would give them to charities or go to goodwill. she would give them a warning and then if they didn't pick up then she would pick them up and give them away. maybe this will give an added incintive to pick up .

This works wonders for me and my clients.

I started this when my kids were 6 and 8. First I cleaned the house to my specifications. I took pictures of everything, every piece of the house the way I liked it. Then I printed the pictures on 8.5 X 11 pages and put them in protective sleeves and posted them kind of "hidden" around the house. For example for the kitchen the pics were inside the cupboard, in their rooms they were posted behind their doors, etc. For about a month, I worked with them and explained "this is clean". I showed them HOW to do it, yes i had showed them 1000 times before, but now they had a fresh visual result they could look at for guidance to see the end result. Kind of like the box of a puzzle. After a few weeks of guiding them, I stepped back. They then would be expected to do their daily chores (I will explain that in a moment). When they thought they were done, I would come in, grab the picture and compare, I RARELY had to say anything. I could just point if something was not right and they knew exactly what to do. It took some time to set up, but it is sooooooo worth it. Now, 4 years later, we have very few pictures around the house to refer to because it is so ingrained in them there is rarely any question what is should look like and yes, they are only 9 and 13!

As for the chores, I did the same type of visual. I took a picture of the room of the house and what needs to be done. For example, the kitchen needs to be swept on Monday, Wednesday and Friday so I have 3 pictures of the kitchen with a broom with the days on it. It is on a magnet on the front of the fridge. Each time they go to the fridge (sometimes 6 or more times a day) they are visually reminded of what needs to be done. I don't have to say anything. When we sit down for a meal I can look up and see what should have been done that day and so can they. It works like a charm.

If you need anymore clarity, just ask!

B.
Family Coach

Hang in there K., it will soon get better! Just stick to your words and punishments. Children NEED to learn to be responsible! I have the same problem; and my girls will sit in the corner, if they both don't clean up when I say it's time for quiet time in our home. Then they watch tv for an hour before bed. I do this to wind them down; and get the room cleaned up. If not they go into their appointed corners or loose tv time! I wish you the best; and cudo's to you for being a single mom! It is tiring, but God will guide you if you let Him.
Truly
Kathy N.

I love Barbielee's idea about photographing what the room should look like. That's a great idea that I'm going to have to try as well!!

I too am a single mom w/2 jobs so I completely understand. Hang tight. You are doing a fabulous job and you are NOT being mean. Your family is a TEAM and you are teaching them valuable life skills and how NOT to be selfish!! Keep it up even though it's exhausting.

(((HUGS))))

You know K. you have brought up a good point. I'm married with three kids, but even though I'm married it is still hard being a working mom and at the same time trying to be a mother and a wife. Not easy at all. My days are very stressful. But there are great ideas that I have been reading from all the responses. Sometimes as a mother you want to try to give your kids everything, and I don't mean material stuff. But we as parents have to show discipline, and I think I lack a little bit of that. I need to start setting up some guidelines for our family and I think the chart is a very good idea. Anyways my kids are 7, 5, and 2. If anyone else has a suggestion i would also appreciate it. I always notice that I have to repeat myself to them not twice, but three or four times. Ex. To do their homework, chores, pick up toys, etc. Or if they ask me for something, like for example when I get home at around dinner time they want to eat icecream and I say no, then "I'm a mean mom for always saying no." And it does hurt that you want to do the best for the kids, but they don't always appreciate it.

Hey K.! I totally agree with Mary, good for you!! You are a genius! I would have never thought of doing that, but you've given me a great idea...:)
You are not cruel at all. Did you ever hear of pediatric neurosurgeon Dr. Benjamin Carson? Him and his brother were raised by a single mom and he credits his success to her being 'really strict' and 'making him read books and write book reports for her every week'. He said he was not allowed to watch any tv during the week...:)
So good for you!
-M.

I think your solution is perfect. I learned some techniques from Love and Logic (excellent company out of Colorado that has books, DVDS, workshops etc. for parents and teachers). They taught me to inform the kids ONCE, "pick up only the toys you want to keep." And then, when they blow you off, you get a few boxes and start stuffing things in the boxes and put them away (or donate). They can have their "stuff" back when they learn to respect their things and put them away.

Another thing they said to do is tell them once to do their chores, like take out the trash. When they don't do their chores, wait until an hour after they fall asleep and then wake them up and say empathetically, "Aw, I know you are sleeping and all, but the trash needs to be taken out still. Do you want me to take care of it for you?" If they take out the trash, then say no more. The reason to do this after they fall asleep is genius . . . They will be far less combatative when they are half asleep. If they say they are trying to sleep and ask me to take it out for them then the fun really begins. You take out the trash and then wait for the next time they want something or ask you for a ride to a friends house/park or something . . . just tell them EMPATHETICALLY as possible, "Aw bummer, you know I had to take the trash out for your last night and I'm afraid I don't have the energy to take you to the park. Check with me next time." And leave it at that. No other response is necessary, no matter how much they beg or argue. You will only have to do this twice (once to teach them, the second time is their way of testing you). It is a little harsh, but you need to set your kids up for life. How many employers will ask an employee to do a project and remind them, and remind them and remind them? None. They ask once. If there is a trend of constant reminding, then the employee is fired.

Kids can also help you restore your energy previously lost by dusting the baseboards, folding the laundry, etc. I think what you are doing is perfectly fine, just thought I'd share some other creative ways to handle the situation too.

Hi, I did a book, 'Boundaries for Kids' with my church group, and it brought out that kids need actual consequences to make them obey. Just yelling won't do it. So, your 5 am thing was perfect. You can also take away privileges such as tv, radio, money, or time outside if they don't do their work - anything they like that you control. You have to make sure you follow through. Also, reward them if they do it right for a whole week (according to age), like, letting them stay up extra time, have a sleepover, small gift, etc.

Hi, K.. No, my dear, I don't think you are cruel. I don't know what your kids' ages are, but I am a firm believer in teaching them to take responsibility for themselves early on.

One thing I would caution you: make sure that the responsibilities you give them are appropriate for their ages. Don't expect a 6-year-old to sweep and mop the entire house, for example. However, if the 6-year-old spills his juice all over the table, it is appropriate for that child to take a sponge and clean all the juice up. It's also appropriate for that child to make sure the table isn't sticky from his mess.

Waking them up early to do what they refused to do the night before is a pretty good idea. The fact that they got the message is WONDERFUL! They are smart kids!

Along with making sure they only get appropriate responsibilities for their ages... do understand that kids' attention spans are not as good as adults' attention spans. They do not have the ability to remember everything we tell them to do. They get distracted, and when they are playing, they don't want to stop, and will not usually be able to watch the clock and clean up in enough time before bed time. So be prepared: you will have to remind them! Always! Even when they are almost adult or young adults, they will need someone to supervise them.

Don't always take it personally when they forget to do stuff, but do reward them when they do remember. It's just as important to praise them for doing something right, as it is to correct them when they do something wrong.

Kudos to you for teaching them responsibility! It also teaches self-respect.

Peace,
Syl

I agree with Mary. Great job on standing your ground. It is not your fault that time is not on your side and they had to wake so early. I sure know how you feel on the repeating yourself all the time. I started a new reward system for my girls. I set the rules of the house. When we see them following rules we can put pennies in a cup. When they do not follow rules, we take pennies out. When they reach 25 pennies they get $1 and start over. This makes them work together and not fight. At least that is what I hope. They want to go to Chuck E Cheese so when they have enough money they get to go.
What I have a hard time with is that when things need to be cleaned up and I do the "you can't do .... until you clean up" they seem to start playing with what is supposed to be cleaned up instead of cleaning it up. I feel like they do not learn that they should clean up before taking something else out because they hardly ever get that far.

NO! I think that's GREAT! You taught them a valuable lesson about taking care of responsiblity and the value of time. Way to go!

Excellent! You are a single mom working two jobs and still had the mindset to come up with something different to try to spark respect in your kids. Awesome. Keep up the good work. I say, if they don't clean up their messes by themselves, wake them at 5 am without warning them. They'll start to learn to listen to you the first time you speak, instead of the 100th time. It's not cruel, it's the way kids learn and it's absolutely frustrating. They always have to test, test, test!
Best of luck to you!
Jen
Mom of 3 boys - 5 yrs old, 2.5 yrs old, and 1 yr old

No I don't think it's cruel. Do what you gotta do, single mama.

First of all feel good about yourself. You are teaching them to be responsible adults. So many parents now in days do to much for there kids. You are a single mom trying to make it in this world with little ones to bring up. You are doing great. Be consistent. They need to pull there weight also. You cant come home exhausted from an entire day of outside work to do house work as well. You need to divide all house chores between you and your children, post them up on a wall. I have a chore chart with a reward system. Some chores are mandatory no reward, others get you rewards. The rewards are simple things, like we all go to McDonalds that Friday or to the park on saturday. Something cheap that wont hurt the budget. This has helped with getting the chores done with a better attitude and at the same time they understand the concept of obligations. Keep on the GREAT WORK and dont think you are being hard on them, it is your responsibility to make sure they grow up to be productive adults and that is exactly what you are doing!

K.,
No, I don't think that is cruel at all. You got the result you desired. Since they started cleaning their room before you got home, they can return to their normal waking time.

Gongratulations on finding a creative solution.

J.