Discipline and Enforcing the Word "No"

Hi L.,
Coming from a broken family myself I would suggest not trying to be her mum or be her friend. What I think she needs is an adult to guide her into making the right decisions in life. A life coach of sorts. My step-mother became that for me. I wasn't allowed to disobey my fathers rules but she didn't try to make me like her. I didn't always like her growing up because she did inforce my fathers rules but as an adult now I appreciate her guidance a great deal!
I hope this helps!
Best wishes,
Jen H.

I would personally take this as a time to have a family meeting. Make sure the dad is with you when you talk to your daughter. That way the 3 of you are all on the same page and she knows her dad knows you have talked to her and what you expect. And she can also raise any concerns with him and you. It is a change for her and it will take some time to adjust. I hope everything works out for the best for you!

L., I do not envy the position you are in.I am going to offer you some suggestions but keep in mind that I am giving you my opinion from the teenagers point of view because even though I am a 38 yr old mother of 3 I lived in a situation similar to yours when I was growing up.First and formost I want you to know that keeping any secrets at all, o matter what it is is not good.Secrets are really lies with a pretty name.I realize that your teenaged daughter trust you but her father will resent you for this.I am not saying to violate her trust but you must make it clear to her that you cannot keep secrets from her father and that she to is safe with him and can share things with him also. I know this is easier said then done but it must be done.Teenagers are very difficult creatures.They are also so smart and can manipulate the pants off anyone.This child knows your weaknesses and believe me she can and will play on every single one of them,not to be mean or cruel just because they can.And the second really important thing you must know is YOU WILL NEVER EVER BE POPULAR WITH YOUR CHILDREN ALL THE TIME! The truth is we have to make choices for them that they will not like sometimes and this puts us in a place that they will often find us at the enemy spot.just remember they will look back on this time and see you were right and that you loved them.you are in a hard place cause your not the "real" mom, and your not her "friend".I don't envy you at all.One thing for sure is your role is very important and will play a serious role in how she turns out. She is looking to you in order to figure out what kind a women she will be and you have to make good choices. I hope this helped a little.

Hi, and welcome to mamasource. First of all, this may come as a shock, but your New Daughter doesnt have to like you, but she does have to respect you. You are new in her life, and you both have to work out a way to understand eachother in this (New) life as a family.

She has choices...she has consequences as well....if she makes a wrong choice, she sufferes....that is how we learn...that is life.

NO is NO....and you dont need to say it again. If she asks "WHY", you say,"Because you said so"...you owe her no explaination because you are the mom. If she asks about something that is a maybe, then you tell her..."We will talk about it together"...
Discuss all possiablities, and explain to her your concerens if you you have any....she is 15, and she is growing up...you cant say "NO" all the time. If she wants to go to the mall, ask her,"Do you any company at the mall, or do you want to be with your friends"? Then...she is making a choice.

Rules are rules, and they are never to be broken. You tell her that you care about her as much as you care about this family.Explain to her, that in order to have a happy life she has to understand how to make that possiable...

At 15 yrs of age, I was cleaning up more than my room, and doing dinner dishes....I was cleaning the house...she has it good...and you tell her that.
I also think you both need time together as a new mother/daughter, and form a unbreakable bond....That is still possiable...

That being said she needs to step up to the plate and talk to you, and or her father(as much as it might hurt) and explain things that are going on and her feeling towards everything.

I wish you luck

Greetings
I too, have a 15 year old daughter and have raised a daughter before. Discipline and structure is important, as well as holding them accountable. She will be grateful, perhaps not now, but later that you took the effort to care and hold her accountable- so much easier to have that imposed by someone who loves and cares for you VS the rest of the world- who might not be as compassionate. Be careful of the "grey" area- make sure you work in "black and white" as they will try to move that "maybe" to a yes everytime. Also go with your gut instinct- if it sounds fishy I guarentee it is fishy.
Your new step daughter might not recognize your actions now, but as my 24 year old has said as an adult- thanks for being tough......