Discipline Help - Gwinn,MI

Try reading the book 123 Magic. It's a great way to 'stop' behaviors you don't want and 'start' other behaviors you do want. Also, when disciplining, there isn't a lot of talking, which can just fuel behaviors.

Hi, M.! It sounds like you have several good ideas from other Moms out there. I have only one child, who will be 5 in July. I have to say that although everyone talks about how difficult 2s are, 3 was by far our hardest year for behavior problems. Within a few weeks of turning 4, or a little bit thereafter, it was like a switch went on, and he calmed down a bit and started behaving better and listening.

We use time-outs, removal of privileges and occasional spanking when necessary, and then we also use positive rewards for good behavior.

Two books that have been REALLY helpful for giving us ideas with parenting are by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka: "Sleepless in America: Getting the Sleep Your Family Deserves" and "Raising Your Spirited Child." The first book deals with sleep issues and the results (often behavioral) of not getting enough sleep. The second book deals with children's different personality types in relation to being "spirited." We just checked them out at our library.

One of the things that Kurcinka wrote about in "Raising Your Spirited Child" is that some surroundings/situations for your child can be overwhelming (like malls, grocery stores, too many toys around, too many children around, loud noises, being overly tired, too much activity, etc.), and then they act out, because they are not able to handle the sensory overload. She talks about helping your child tell you what he is feeling. She talks about recognizing the triggers that will set your child off before they happen so you can help diffuse a potential meltdown before it happens.

That being said, if you notice the bad behavior continuing to escalate, you might want to get a referral to an occupational therapist. The Courage Center in Golden Valley has a wonderful pediatric program.

I DO think behavior problems are pretty normal for 3 year olds. What I have also found that has really helped me the most with my son is prayer. When things have been really challenging, I've talked to my girlfriends for prayer support. I also liked some of the ideas in 2 books called, "Don't Make Me Count to Three" and "Shepherding a Child's Heart."

I would pray for guidance on raising your spirited little boy :), and then use your intuition on parenting him. And that may lead you to getting a second opinion from another doctor or trying therapy for your son.

Hang in there; four is just around the corner. :)

God bless you!

:) congrats! Sounds like you have what we call a Strong Willed Child! I have 2 so you are lucky you only have 1! I read a book about the strong willed child and it put it so much in perspective. If you were to drive on a bridge you will notice the big tall fence on the edge of a bridge. Most of us are not scared to cross the bridge because of the walls, even though we never hit the wall. But what if the walls were suddenly not there, most of us would start driving in the middle of the bridge, we are suddenly scared we will fall off. This is how the strong willed child is. They do not see fence on the side of the bridge, so they keep testing us parents to make sure the wall is still there. Just keep going and don't give up. My oldest is now 5 and we have finally gotten to a good point (for now)! He will test me again and like always I will let him know that the sides of the bridge are still up! Good luck!

I think that you are right to be concerned. The first thing you must ask yourself is...have there been any changes in your life such as a move, a death in the family, marital troubles, financial stress, new babysitter etc...? A 3 y/o doesn't have the language or abstract thinking ability to put into words what he may be worrying about; he will express himself with negative behavior (and you can't ask him, unfortunately, he will not be able to be introspective and communicate his worries to you). In addition, 3 y/o 's respond best to positive reinforcement trechniques. Taking things away, time-out's etc.. are negative reactions to behavior, and are often not enough to encourage independence and foster a desire for positive, respectful behavior. Start noticing when your son is making good choices and praise him. Simple things, such as sharing a toy, clearing his plate after lunch, whatever. His greatest desire is to please you! Make an exagerrated effort to make him proud of his good choices and he will work hard for that praise! If you need guidance, you can find counselors that specialize in behavior modification and parent coaching. Just 1 session can make a big difference! Good Luck!

M.,
My aunt and uncle have been through a similar problem with their child. He got scary mad sometimes, yet mainly towards his family and dog. No one else witnessed just how scary he got.

After many doctor visits, he is thought to have bi-polar disorder. Who knows if this is really what he has, but there are many chemical imbalances such as bipolar that could be affecting your child. There is even ODD - oppositional defiance disorder -
If it is a chemical thing, you probably need to seek the advice of a professional...

good luck!

Seek the opinion of another doctor.
Normal for a 3 year old? Maybe I've been lucky to no experience this so far, but I don't think so.
At the very least the doctor should've offered some discipline ideas.
Go with your gut on this one.

get a spray bottle and spray him, maybe it will "shock" him back to reality. (stream setting no mist), it's kinda mean... but so is spitting and hitting. But atleast you dont have to use violience or even raise your voice!

I would recommend the "1-2-3 Magic" book and/or video. It's more than just simply counting--in fact, the video is extremely helpful in demonstrating how different it is when done right. The best thing is that it is good for various ages, and can grown with your child. The library should have a copy of both for free, or contact your local ECFE. Good luck!

The bible says, "Spare the rod, spoil the child."

I am not big on spanking or any physical punishments. However, there is a time and place for spanking. If you've tried other avenues and they are not working, you need to find something that does work.

We held off with our daughter till she was about 3 1/2 and then nothing else worked. She rarely gets spanked but when she does, she starts listening and following the rules to a T again. She just turned 4.

On that note. It is NOT okay for your child to spit at you, hit or kick or bite you!!! You need to put a stop to this IMMEDITATELY! If you don't fix it now, you will be dealing with this for a very long time. And the consequences get worse as kids get older. If you don't want an out-of-control teen, I suggest getting to the bottom of this now.......

I have a son with a short fuse and wicked temper. I tried all the things you have mentioned and even the previous poster's method. But none of those worked and they even backfired in that he felt misunderstood and unloved. Ultimately the thing that has worked is for me to figure out as many of his triggers as possible: being ordered to do things when he is busy, being interrupted, asking him to do something developmentally inappropriate, being ignored, tired, hungry, overstimulated by too much noise or activity, too much TV, too much sugary food or food with artificial dye (esp. red #40), not taking his flax oil (or fish oil) regularly, my over reaction to a situation, not enough hugs and snuggling.

Now I watch for those scenarios and talk about them openly with him. We talk together about these triggers in a very nonjudgemental way (I even talk about my own triggers like low blood sugar) when he is calm but is winding up. When he has an outburst I stay calm and ask him to just find a quiet place to take a break so we can talk about the situation when he is calm. We don't do punishments in our house because they are not very effective for DS. Instead we offer tons of love and hugs, logical consequences, use Accountable Kids for chores , have weekly family meetings where we can use Accountable Kids to request behavior changes and we use The Virtues Project to pick a new virtue to discuss and practice for the week. All these things we do did not produce instant results, but a year later, we are seeing huge changes in his overall behavior and his attitude towards others. Part of it is developmental, but most of it is a result of the groundwork we have laid.

Links for anyone interested:
http://www.accountablekids.com/ (note: this is a much better system than the typical chore chart...much, much better...it has more depth to it and includes putting a lot more choice in the hands of the kids...be sure to read the book they have before using the program)

http://www.virtuesproject.com/index.php (we love this project and include one virtue in our family meeting every week...it can be used in a secular or a religious manner)

That is not "normal" 3 year old behavior, it is behavior of a child who doesn't know how to express himself correctly. It won't do any good to talk with him while he is acting out, that gives him the attention he is trying to get with negitive behavior. Very calmly tell him you will listen to him if he uses his big boy words and turn your back to him if he doesn't. If he hits, spits or screams at you, without saying a word take him to his room and put him in there. He will come out and if he is still yelling or miss behaving, calmly put him back in and tell him he is welcome to join you when he is done with his fit. Do this as often as needed. It will take a bit the first few times but sticking to your guns without losing control will help you out in the long run while teaching him self control and limits. Make sure when he comes to you and talks to you in his big boy voice, you listen and not brush him off cuz you are busy. Then praise him on his good behavior. Soon he will outgrow this if you dont' let him get away with it or give him attention for the negitive behavior. If you keep trying to work with him when he can't tell you in big boy words, you will see it getting worse until he is running your household and that isn't good for anyone. I can tell you that some children will act out because it is a way to control, making mom lose her temper will result in feeling powerful. I can tell you that because I was one who did that. Learned early on which buttons I could push with my mother until she lost her temper which not only gave me the attention I wanted but also power over my mom. Soon I was getting what I want because it is easier to give in then to deal with my temper tantrums. I knew the tricks so they didn't work with my kids..lol. It drove my kids crazy growning up because when they would want something and I said "maybe" if they harped it was no. If I said "no" and they threw a fit, I would count to three and swat them on the bottom once if they didn't straighten up. When they were teens and would say "So and such gets to go to this party, their mom lets them" I would sweetly say "oh, she sounds like a nice mom, don't you wish you would have a nice mom like that?" My daughter who is now 26 said that is what drove her crazy more then anything, she couldn't get away "guilting" me into anything.

hi M.! I definitely recommend the book,"The Strong Willed Child" by James Dobson. It gives so many solutions to these issues! I was a strong willed child and my mom said she wore the book out when I was a toddler! I STILL have a strong will but my mom was able to teach me how to use it in a good way.
It is never okay for him to treat you like that. My sister allows her son to do all those things to her and it breaks my heart.
One note, the book I listed gives spanking guidelines.... spanking done right is NOT violence and will not teach your child to hit. Spanking in anger is another story all together......anyway, the book will tell you all that! :)
I hope things get better for you! Find a method of discipline and the key is to STICK TO IT! Don't give up, mom!

Go to the Library and check out a book called 1-2-3 Magic, Discipline for 2-12 yr olds. It's not very long, and is simple and to the point, involves no form of spanking, and helps you maintain your sanity.I started having some issues with my 3 yr old, and this book helped put a halt to it very quickly. I love it, because he hates it! Reason being, he knows nothing he does is going to get the response he's looking for, so most of the time, unless he's really tired, I say "That's 1" and he ends the behavior, even if he contiues mumbling, the steam is out of it and we can get on with better things. Seriously you've GOT to give the book a try! Keep at it!