Discipline Ideas for Difficult 4 Yr Old....

I tend to stop it as soon as I see a warning sign. Mine was sassy and throwing tempertantrums. I take away her favorite things (computer time) if she pulls it more than once in a ten minute period. I remind her that I am the mother and I make the rules. It gives her an understanding of the line she can't cross. I am not saying she is not good, she just needs some direction. I also get her to sit and talk to me about what is going on in her head at the time. There normally is some underlining issue causing it to happen. Spanking sometimes works but I hate doing it. She's high strung and it just makes her continue on and on.
I also have gotten her to be my helper, she's the oldest so she tends to want to be the boss. So she's the boss of picking up...say the cat bowls. She gets rewarded for reading 3 books (she's five). More often than not, I have her sit next to me and we talk. About all kinds of stuff. Don't get me wrong, she monopolizes the whole conversation iwth whatever she wants to talk about, but she does get whatever is bugging her out.

Your son sounds normal. Give him control over things that don't matter. You offer 2 cookies, he asks for 5, you compromise on 3. He'll still want to bargain. Offer him 3 and say it's 3 or none at all and start to put them back. He'll grab the 3.

Let him choose which clothes to wear by offering him 2 choices. This is an example of how you can give him control in many ways. By giving him control where ever you can you are meeting his natural need to have control. After all you want him to learn how to control his life. This is the beginning of teaching that task.

Don't use time outs. They don't work for some kids. They didn't for my grandchildren, now 6 and 9. When they wouldn't co-operate they were told, in a calm and matter of fact voice to go to their room until they could comply. At first they had difficulty going or staying. We just stood, looking at them and repeated the statement. Depending on the situation, sometimes in a good humored way and sometimes more stern. No arguing. No physical contact. It does take time for them to realize that you mean business. After a couple of weeks my grandchildren went to their room after the first request. My grandson was 4 and my granddaughter 6.

Any time you have a battle of wills you have lost. The child will always find a way to get the upper hand. So stop making it a battle of wills. No arguing, no shouting, just calm, straight forward comments with you staying right there until they either do what you've said or go to their room.

Again, this is a choice for them. They can choose to do what you said. They cannot chose to not do either one of them. This is a subtle difference but one that kids will pick up on if you tell them that you're giving them a choice.

Once they come out of their room repeat what you wanted them to do, tell them that is why they went to their room and require them to apologize and do what you said. My daughter adds one more chore to the first one. I don't. If they don't apologize or don't complete what you asked they go back to their room;

Because you are calm and show an I am in charge demeanor by being direct and not allowing any negotiating they will learn to follow your directions. Never argue. A good way to respond is "never the less, you must do what I said." If they don't, say "go to your room until you're willing to do it." Or you can say," I heard you but you still must do as I say." Sometimes the arguing goes on because they think you didn't hear or because you do respond to what they say instead of sticking with what you want them to do.

My daughter does use taking away toys and privileges for some things but I don't think that works well for a 4 year old. They have many toys and are not usually attached to anything in particular. Besides you don't want to take away lovies or the things that are important to them for soothing. When they're older they "need" certain toys for their favorite activities. And they are much more attached to TV viewing and computer use.

One of my therapists told me that any time I had to pick up a child kicking and screaming for discipline purposes I was defeating the purpose of the discipline. The child becomes angry at being picked up and loses focus on why you're putting him in time out to begin with. I did find that I could not put my step-son ( he was too big) or my grandchildren in time out. All they had to do was refuse and the fight was on. But when you tell them to go to their room and continue to stand and look at them they have to do something. They can't kick and squirm. Somehow this works much better perhaps because they do have a choice, both of which are acceptable to you.

Don't be concerned about what they do in their room. They may begin to play but eventually they are going to want to come out. And if they're being obstinate because they're tired they may end up asleep. That's a good thing.

It is right to pick up a child when safety is an issue but otherwise we want to teach them how to obey and to be in control of themselves.

I believe that spanking teaches that it's OK to hurt someone when they don't do what we want. Often kids do not think that the parent has made a reasonable request which results in them thinking that no matter what it's OK to hit. There are times when a swat is appropriate but that's a different issue.

Rewards are not always the best way to teach either. It depends on how you use them. One way that does frequently work is to have a chart on which he gets to place a sticker every time he does pick up his toys without a fuss. Have a short list of things to do that will allow him to earn something. After so many stickers he earns a small toy, an ice cream cone, etc. You are then giving him a choice. Pick up your toys and get a sticker or don't pick up your toys and don't get a sticker. You're teaching him how to earn things that he wants. You have a tool to teach choices.

I suspect that his teachers or other adults do not get defiance because they set up their exchange with him in a manner that does not invite defiance. They give him choices when ever possible. They don't argue with him. They maintain a friendly but yet serious stance of this is the way it is. They do not feel that they have to convince him to obey. They just expect it and have an easily enforced consequence if he doesn't. The whole atmosphere is different than the one that has developed at your house. They probably use a lot of humor, too.

I suggest that you visit the classroom and watch how the adults deal with the children. Perhaps ask a teacher for recommendations about ways to deal with your son.

You will have more difficulty being consistent and getting compliance than the teacher or other adult because you're his mom and he's used to the way you've been doing it up until now. He will test you big time until he knows that you will do the same thing over and over. The most important thing for you to do is to be consistently matter of fact and follow thru without engaging in an argument. Keep your cool. Plan for extra time with him until he learns that has to comply. Acknowledge that he is having difficulty with this new way of doing things. Show him sympathy. Say, "I know this is hard for you."

Give yourself sympathy when he's not around. It is hard for you too. It will take time and a concerted effort on your part to make this work. You'll quickly get angry and shout until you're able to let go of the idea that this is a battle of wills. You'll get discouraged. Find people with whom you can vent your frustrations but do not show your son that you are frustrated. Maintain a calm, this is the way it is attitude. Use humor when you're with him and when you're not every chance you get.

Giving him choices whenever possible will help bring him around. He does need to feel that he has some control in his life.

Laura, I'm so glad you see the eventual outcome this struggle, and want to do something about it now. Since we can't see the actuality of what you are describing, I can't tell you how normal or abnormal you son's behavior is. But I can tell you, based on your descriptions, that there are things you can try that might ease the constant battles over every little thing.

This may sound odd to you, but I would just stop all the demands and punishments, and definitely don't start in with rewards if you think of them as bribes. Since his teachers have apparently not been having the same difficulties (a clue that your son is "normal"), I am guessing that their professional training and experience give them insights into getting cooperation in less forceful ways. From the constant battle you outline, it's quite possible that your son has come to one or more of the following conclusions: that you give him no control; that you don't really care about what he wants or needs; that he can't possibly meet your expectations and demands; that he'll get punished/disciplined for almost anything he wants or does, so why shouldn't he just fight for what he wants?

You can gracefully back away from that history and still be the authority in your home, but also court his cooperation and participation, by following the approach used by the long-time child behavioral experts in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It gives extremely practical advice on how to respond to kids by not denying the feelings they have. Amazingly, children can often resolve their own emotional issues once they believe you have really listened to them. You can read part of the book here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081....

Good luck. I think you will be amazed at how quickly compassionate communication will be effective with your son.

check out beyondconsequences.com and the thepostinstitute.com. These programs will help you to disengage and learn how to support his will rather than working against it. Much of what we think is the way to parent is to stifle will. There is another way to parent that is love based.

Marda's excellent answer is the essence of what I learned in a parenting talk called "Effective Discipline for All Ages." Basically, you have to remain calm & steady throughout all encounters, so your children can always count on you as their rock -- later in life they'll know you won't freak out no matter what they tell you, and you'll want them to tell you everything. So start now, which will diffuse the upset behavior you're now seeing frequently. The other thing Marda mentioned that worked for us right away after I attended that talk was giving a simple choice when my daughter refused to do something -- e.g., throwing a fit because she didn't want to get out of the car and go into preschool. So I gave her a choice (and it took me a minute to think of two options I would be happy with either way, so I talked very calmly and SLOWLY!). "Either you get out and go in now, or wait one minute to calm down and then get out and go in. It's your choice." She was so happy to be "in control" of the situation by being able to make her own choice, she immediately stopped crying and chose option 2. And to my utter shock, she calmed down and went into school. I really couldn't believe it was that easy. Far easier than wrestling her out of the car and delivering a screaming child to her teachers! So now we're big on giving choices -- the speaker we saw (Susan Stone Belton, who is excellent) said you want them to make good choices later in life, so have them start practicing now, when you can choose the options to be things you're fine with either way. Ms. Belton's other bottom line was:
1) Have house rules, and be sure your rules are clear and understood, written down, and explained in a time when there's no conflict. Like a family meeting over ice cream or something like that.
2) Have clear and sensible consequences.
3) The most important is BE CONSISTENT in following through.

I hope this helps and good luck!

I second the motion for the books:
1 2 3 magic (read this one first)
and
How to Talk so Kids (children) listen

You might also want to read
Raising Your Spirited Child

Good luck

Marda offers up some excellent advice; many of the things she suggests worked for my VERY strong-willed 3-year-old. My husband is a former car salesman, and we sometimes joke that DD inherited his negotiating skills. One day, when DD was being a particularly tough and relentless negotiator, I busted out with a phrase that worked like a charm, and now I use it all the time. She was telling me why she couldn't put away her shoes, how she'd do it later, how she was busy and wanted to keep playing, and said very politely that she didn't want to put away her shoes, and I said, "I'm not asking. I'm telling you to put away your shoes. THEN you can keep playing." She stopped and just looked at me, then picked up her shoes and put them away. I was amazed. It still works. She may grumble while she's doing whatever I asked her to do, but she does it. However, I have to be careful not to bust out this phrase too much, or she starts to rebel against what she sees as constant demands from me. I do what Marda suggests: I offer up everything in the form of a choice. Do you want to brush your teeth now or after jammies are on? Do you want to have apples or bananas with your lunch? Do you want this shirt and jeans or that dress and leggings? If she balks at either choice, I just shrug and say, "That's what you get to choose from. Which do YOU want?" and I make sure to really stress the YOU part, so she feels empowered.
Hope this helps...Hang in there...

The strong willed child presents so many challenges, and has some really beautiful characteristics- he is already negotiating. This will be a great skill to have some day! Here are some ides for you- one one may seem counter intuitive but it is to quit fighting with him for what you want and to find some sort of happy medium. My daughter is strong willed as well, and today I did something like that and it was amazing how much we enjoyed each other rather than ending an outing in frustration. Sometimes I don't want to give in and let her have control but ultimately, we are both miserable and we need to find a way to live together!

A few thoughts my 4 year old has responded really well to:

- Challenges vs. Demands- at the end of bath time, we race between him and his sister to see who can get their pajamas on first. He dresses himself like a champ.

- Bad Cop- I am bad cop, hubs is good cop. If he doesn't want to go somewhere I will tell him good stay home and don't have fun with me, his Dad will position himself as the one who wants him to have fun- everytime he is hurrying to go have fun. Meal times are the same thing, the battle over veggies is there and I'll say "GOOD, don't eat them, you won't grow and you'll be my little boy forever" he will clear his plate. We'll also tease that I will eat them so he won't get a chance, when he leaves the table and he will run over and eat it.

- We do a 5 count count-down on tasks, if he has not started it by the time we get to 1 he loses a privelage(story, tv time, computer time). Sometimes we have to stretch it but he usually scurries around to start it.

It really changes the battles between loud voices and frustration, to laughter and goals accomplished. Hopefully it may help in some way.

Go to the bookstore today and buy the "Love and Logic" books. It sounds to me like your son may have what is called oppositional behavior. I don't think trying to get your son to "obey" will work. I think the Love and Logic books will teach you how to give your son choices. Further it will teach you how to implement natural consequences if he refuses those choices. My guess is that after about a week of following Love and Logic you will see a big difference.

When your son listens to you about anything at all, respond positively immediately. It doesn't have to be candy, just a thank you, or "that was so grown up!" When he doesn't, avoid anger. You want to learn how to remove anger and make the consequences seem natural. Get the books!

Hang in there!

The book "Raising Your Spirited Child" has saved our life with our strong-willed 3 year old!!!

As our children grow, they do things out of curiosity of their developing minds. They just want to feel important, be helpful, be independent, and confident. And while they may do these things with the immaturity of their age, we often misinterpret their actions as defiance, controlling, or manipulative, etc. At young age of 4, they don’t even know the meaning of such heavy words!

Learning is a long term ongoing process and we often attempt to cut it short by using quick fix methods. Kids outgrow most of the immature behavior and learn on their own with time given they get loving guidance from parents and caregivers. We expect our child to behave at our maturity level but do not treat them in the same respectful way as we would treat adults. We create unpleasant or humiliating consequences for our children.

When we see unwanted behavior in our kids, we often jump to popular quick fix solutions such as punishment, reward, isolation (timeouts), forceful disapproval language (NO!), taking away toys, and other privileges. Rewards and punishments are just the two sides of the same coin. Both reinforce the idea that kids should behave in a certain way because there is pay off in response to each behavior afterwards, NOT because it is the right thing to do. Thus, a child becomes dependent on external praise to feel good about him/herself or external disapproval to feel bad. Both lower a child’s self-esteem.

Since we possess parental role power, we may be able to get immediate short-term compliance but not positive permanent change in behavior. Our coercive tactics only make kids miserable, unhappy, and frustrated and instill guilt and fear in them. Guilt and fear result in repetition of ‘unwanted’ behavior as we get our kids used to ‘unhappiness’ resulting from our forceful actions. Result - kids confuse this ‘unhappiness’ as ‘happiness’ thinking this is what parent desire - wanting them to be ‘unhappy’. Saying I love you a thousand times or that ‘I want the best for you’ has no meaning or any effect. Our actions show that already with our ‘conditional’ love. Our kids internalize their feelings and simply learn that they need to do things to please parents while they are under parental control.

We expect our kids to be robots in meeting our expectations and social standards such as must sleep through the night, drop bottle, & be potty trained by certain age, finish meal in x minutes, go to bed at x time, share before they are ready, and the list goes on. We may force our kids to do what we want (no matter how well meaning these may be) but we need to stop and think what is the impact of imposing our standards on our children’s emotional health? What goes on in their minds when we are ordering them in the name of parental role power? Do we understand them as we expect them to understand us?

Our feedback should be such that makes kids use their own judgment in making the right choices. We as parents can only point out the choices and pros and cons of each choice and let our children use their own judgment and learn from the outcome instead of dictating every move. Of course, there are exceptions to it when we have to take control if there is an immediate safety and danger issue. Whenever we want to stop an ‘unwanted behavior’, we need to evaluate our action before taking it – Am I doing this because it is an immediate safety issue or because it is an inconvenience to me or because super nanny or neighbor or doctor said so? Does my child fit the model, the society has created?

I can not recommend the following books highly enough that have guided me through years in learning parenting skills.
- Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginot
- How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
- Smart Love by Martha and William Pieper
- Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn
- How to raise your child's emotional intelligence: 101 ways to bring out the best in your children & yourself by Allen Nagy
- How to negotiate with children by Scott B?

Best,
-Rachna

I'll try to add something that hasn't been mentioned. Look at the situation from a long term perspective. Your son is bright and strong willed. Using these traits to champion a cause or to lead a team could change the world or get the "impossible" done. Determination and intelligence are great!

However, at four, and used against you --- they suck. So, I say the challenge for you is learning how to help him use his skills and not learning how to squash them. Being able to look at a situation from another angle is the key.

Help him understand how others' feelings and needs play into it. Help him look for and figure out a win-win way to do something. Help him learn how to express his thoughts and needs effectively instead of as complaints and threats.

One of the best 'tricks' I found is to use humor. Finding a way to laugh together gets everyone in a good mood and sociable again. "Playful Parenting" is a good start. There are some free interview recordings on the web as a way to start. Also, I second the "How To Talk" and "Raising your Spirited Child" books. (I vote against "1-2-3 Magic" and "Love and Logic" because they are behaviorist and focus on external training rather than intrinsic guidance)

With great challenges come great rewards. Your kid is a special kid. Help him make the most of it.

The 4 year old year is a tough one. I call it the white knuckle year. I had a hard time with my son. We battled a lot. Check out these people and their booklets - it might give you a different way of looking at things. Battling straight on won't really get you where you want to be.
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/about-us/parenting-by-...

Good luck,
M.

I agree, Marda said it perfect and I agree with her 100%!!

Get the book 1 2 3 Magic. It's everything she said and more!! I've got 2 kids, my son just turned 4 the other day and my daughter will turn 10 this July and I use the same techniques on them with great results. Sometimes I have to remind my hubby about how to speak/act and I will pick the book up for some refreshers but my kids always know what I expect out of them and what will happen if they don't behave properly.

Good luck!
S.

Our son is 9.5 & has the very same be-in-charge- personality as your son. King of negotations! You've gotten a lot of good advice here but I'd like to offer this: don't allow him to negotitate . As soon as our son starts in, I immediatley tell him firmly that there will be absolutely no compromising. I then walk away & do not engage w/him anymroe. That's the key: do not engage w/him cuz it says to him that you're willing to do battle. Keep your words short & sweet so as to avoid big conversations/negotiations. Maybe remind of the house rules & behaviour you expect from him. Encourage his siblings to stand up for themselves, if they can cuz he needs to hear from them as well that they don't like the way he's acting. Don't allow him to dictate TV, & what his sister plays w/ & where & what others can & can't do, cuz honestly, all of this behaviour is a form of bullying. By constantly negotiating, he's bullying you into doing something you don't want to do. Sounds like you've also gotten into a punative cycle which is not a fun place to be! We've been stuck there w/our older son for several months now & it's hard to break as he's now learned that to get our attention, he needs to be difficult. 'Course, I learned this also! You might wanna try a reward chart to go along w/lotsa postsive praise when he's been agreeable as this way he can see tangibley that he's behaving. Make sure he sees you putting the star or sticker on the chart & make a big deal out of it. In the beginning, give them out a lot. I'd discourage you from rewarding w/any kind of food or toys. We've always rewarded w/our time & doing something special like a lunch or dinner alone w/Dad or me, a bike ride. Yes, it might involve money being spent but it's more about the time he's spending w/one of us which is what he really wants. I'd also caution you about using the reward systme for too long cuz. If you use it too long, then it may turn into him behaving to get the reward. You want him to behave cuz it's the right thing to do so after a while, dole out the start/stickers less & less frequenlty til eventually you see that he's behaving on his own. Also key is to continue being consistent! Very improtant for kids like your son & mine cuz once they see you slip up, they'll run w/it. And be sure your husband is your ally in this & that your son sees you 2 as a strong, united front. I know some days are so emotionallly exhausting so be sure you have time to yourself. And that your husband knows how exhausting this is. My husband doesn't quite see how tiring this is cuz 1/2 of him likes how articulate our son is & that he communicates so well (I don't call it communicating!) but the other 1/2 does see this as him being difficult & disobedient. Best of luck!

I usually agree with Marda (she is very wise!) but I come at this from a different perspective. If none of the traditional dicipline works, and you are wondering about professional help, let me give you the run down on what the child who needs profesional help looks like- just like you described, exactly, but with a twist on how intense it is and how the use and don't use information. Here is one way to tell the difference between diffuclut, and need's professional help.

Since you sound very consistent in your dicipline, ask yourself if he has really learned any cause and effect AND changed his behavior based on what he learned-smart kids can tell you all day long what they are supposed to do, but if they don't see how much it hurts them to not apply it to themselves, you may have a developmental neurological issue on your hands. Does he do the same thing over and over even when it does not work? Do you think he understands that he needs to apply a strategy for his behavior? If the answer is no, yes, no, then you may have a problem that should be addressed with professional help. Further, if the idea that he could get help gives you a deep sense of releif that you are not crazy, then you should consider it.

Preschool is not that difficult for some kids with mild impairments that effect behavior. If he is a smart boy and if he has a nurological impairment that causes behaviroal issues, he can use other processes to pull him through that experience and manipulate the day so that he really has his way anyway. This is exhausting for kids, and you have to know that no matter how good the teacher, they don't have the stake in making sure anyoing behaviros are eliminated that you do.

In your home, and especially with you he is safe. He can be himself and you will love him anyway. If he had to be at preschool 24 hours a day, he would likely have trouble there too. By the time a child with a developmental neurological issue reaches school age, they usually cannot muster enough energy to compensate at school and they have trouble there too.

What you need to know is if he can apply these processes and just does not want to (VERY different from understanding them and knowing right from wrong.) Or, is he having a difficult time processing information into ways that change his behavior for the better, when there are repeated and clear reasons to do so, but he just can't generalize it to the behavior.

A Developmental Pediatrician can answer this question for you and will be able to do some evaluation, and point to the data and particualr numbers that will tell you if this is the case or not. Once you start to wonder if you have a developmental issue, you probably have reason to, and my suggestion is always to error on the side of seeming to over react, rather than waiting to see when you have reason to look harder.

M.

Hi there! Big hugs, cause parenting these little guys is hard- you want them to be managable- but you don't want to squelch their little spirits!

I wanted to second the "Love and Logic" series. It's available as a book and as a CD series (so you can listen to it in the car). Listening to chapters while I was commuting was the way Hubs and I got to read it. Even if some of the techniques don't appeal to you right now, you've still added them to your skillset. I've been amazed that I've been able to pull out something new and effective when the time was right.

I'm also reading "The way of boys" which is great on the underlying psychology of the male spirit. It also seconds the issue that "time outs" shouldn't be used as punishment. The concept is really, "time away" to calm down and regroup. There was an excellent article on Mamapedia on this earlier this year.

Best of luck!

I know how you feel. My daughter is like that with me. She is also 4. I have started using a chart with stickers. I have 6 behaviors on there that I want her to improve on and she will get a sticker if she does those behaviors. If she fills the whole day she gets to earn a quarter. I talked with her, and she really wanted me to buy her a princess dress. So I told her that she had to earn some of the money to buy the dress. Her behavior is improving, but it's still a bit of a struggle some days. Also, it sounds like your son might be a little OCD with his controlling behaviors. You might want to allow him to make his choices on things that really don't matter (like which car door he wants to use). And really focus on the choices he can't make (like which toys his sister can play with). Pick your battles so to speak.

When my daughter was 3 she was in complete control of our house. I was so frustrated I bought 7 books on parenting from Amazon.com in one day. Did I say frustrated? Desperate is more like it.

The book that clicked for me was "Parenting with Love and Logic" and there was one tip in this book that turned our lives around. The author recommended that when you want your child to do something (in our case, it was to get her to stay in time out), you say, "You can stay in time out with a swat, or without one." In other words, you give the child 2 choices - both of which result in him doing the behavior you ask for. In my daughter's case, I think it took two times of having to give her a firm swat on her behind before she realized I meant business, and I never had to give her another swat. She would stay in time out, or obey whatever else I needed her to do, as long as I gave her the choice to do it with a swat or without a swat. It was magic!

Another thing that's worked for my negotiator (especially as she's gotten older) is to say, "I said no and I meant no, and if you ask again I'll (whatever appropriate consequence you want to dole out)."

My little negotiator is now 14 and she can still talk the unaware into almost anything. She's going to be an amazing salesperson when she grows up!

Good luck!

Sounds like some inconsistency on your part. If you were at work and had "some sort of idea" of what might happen if you were to do xyz, then wouldn't it make you feel out of sorts? He needs to know EXACTLY what will happen if he does xyz. Don't ask him to do anything. TELL him.
I'm realizing this with my 30 month old. If I say, "don't do that or you lose it" then she now knows that that's exactly what will happen.
Pick your punishment and stick to it.
Don't forget about positive re-emforment and maybe make him a chart for when he does do something nice or good. Reward him for being good and you should see an improment soon. :) Good luck! It IS typical for this age. You just gotta manage it.

My son is four as well. Up to this point, he was the best and easiest child. Time outs worked. Counting to three worked. Lately, nothing has worked until I instituted a behavior chart. The categories include: Pick up PJs, brush teeth, pray, obey quickly, pick up toys, and be kind. There are a few others I want to add to it, but generally it falls under be kind and obey quickly. At the end of the day we go through it and give stars where he earned them and none where he didn't. It has taken several weeks of working with the chart before we started to really start seeing results. After he gets all stars, then he gets to go to the toy store and pick out a new toy. I have had to remind him numerous times, no star, no toy.

At preschool they have a system of a bracelet. If they misbehave, they get their bracelet taken away. If they keep it, then they get to pick out a treat at the end of the day. I always said I'd never use sugar as a tool in parenting. That went out the window. However, I do try to keep it at a minimum. You can also have a goody bag or box of little cheap toys or something like that that appeal to your son. The key is to find his "currency." What drives and what motivates him and work from there. All kids have a "currency." The trick is discovering what it is.

My son used to be so well-behaved, I looked forward to when he would lose his bracelet at school. It was like all of a sudden he hit puberty and adolescence and a whole different child emerged.

Good luck.

Hello, As the mother of 5 and the gradmother of several children all of which were the role models for Curious George let me add my 2 cents worth of thought.
Children will generally go for the parent that gives in and take control. It is seen over and over again by teachers/Day Care providers. The people in charge else where don' have to put up with poor behavior and I know I don't. I know it is going to be hard but take charge and let the child know you are in charge, the parent, and the one making the decisions you are not the childs buddy or friend but the parent. Yes he will toss some great fits becasue he is used to getting his way but let me promise you it will be nothing tothe fits he will throw as a teen out of control with no boundries! The only thing wrong is that the child has learned that he controls the household not you, or you'd see a problem in other areas. Make sure that he learns that he can toss a fit in his room but that is the only place allowed and ignore it ( not easy believe me) and if he tears up the room them he is able to loose all that he has destroyed or take away the things and make him earn them back. What we did and our adult children are doing with thier children is taking things away and they don't get them back. It doesn't take long to make them see it doesn't pay to do it. AND we don't rebuy the item we toss.
I am always amazed at the children in my Day Care that will be angels all day and the inuet their mom shows up they turn into little monsters yet I can in front of the parent start counting ( I only count to 3 and for yers the kids have been trying to teach me to count to 10) and the bad behavior will stop. Some parents feel that they haven't got enoughtime with children becasue of work and obligations but I remind them that the first obligation is always to your child.
Hope some of this helps and remember that parenthood is like a roller coaster ride with many ups and downs but the thrill of a lifetime at the end of the ride.

4 year old boys, I know this one! This is the time in their life where they test their limits, try to gain some control over their world as now they can talk, walk and potty trained, lets see what else we can do. First- DON'T back-down- YOU are the MAMA. It only takes one time of waivering for them to think " hmmm, so I can do that, I just need to keep going". Second- up the ante- if Time-outs in a particular spot arn't doing it- change the spot. I used to put my son on the bottom step of our stairs- he soon found something to occupy himself- so I put him on the front door step in his pajamas (while watching him through the key-hole) for 4 minutes. It was cold, he didn't like it, it only took once, the next time I gave him a "Time-out warning" he sharpened up his act. THIRD- Give him some power- just like in marriage, choose your battles- give him some options- "you can have 2 cookies or 2 pieces of apple" if suggests something else, say "no, these are your choices" if he chooses not to take either, say okay, and let him go without, he'll soon come back and ask again but stikc to your options. Hope it helps.

I can offer this advice, choose your battles. Choose which situation you would let him have control of when it comes up. If it is not a problem for him to choose the dvd, or book or door handle or pants to where let him and make it constant. For those obvious battles you need to win, give no quarter and broke no bargain. For instance the minute he start to hurt his sister, stop him immediately and give punishment. But be consistent about all decisions. Be firm and in control, boundaries are good and necessary for children up until they are out of the house. Make sure you are consistent for most things and a few things learn to be flexible. I do not know what kind of punishment will work. If you could get away with out the swatting then I would do so, But.... And next time he bargains for five cookies tell he has a choice of 2,1 or 0 cookies and tell you will choose for him if he persists.
Good luck!!

Your son sounds exactly like my daughter, who will be 3 in Nov. EVERY DAY is a constant struggle. She goes to school on T/Th and the teacher always says how wonderful she is and that she has no problems. I don't have any advice because I am in the same situation but I will be checking back to see if anything will work for me, Thank