Any advice on handling other friend's kids? We have some very nice friends whose school aged kids who are a handful! I don't get it as the parents are wonderful. How do I explain to my kids that even though we are all friends, I don't necessarily approve of what their kids say or do? Mostly it's how they talk (bossy, lying, or being rude)....sometimes it's their lack of respect for the home. What about when they misbehave while with us? How do you correct or discipline other kids in your care (playdate, etc) and when do you tell their parents what they are saying/doing? What do you do when you love your friends but not their kids? I appreciate any wisdom.
Thanks for the flood of responses - it clearly touched a nerve with people. The biggest takeaways for me were:
1) Set expectations for behavior at the beginning of the visit/outing/etc. - this works for general house rules that everyone is expected to follow.
2) Talk to your own children about what you do or do not approve of both in terms of behavior but also language. Explain in a compassionate way that some kids are "still learning" because truly they are!
I have done this more or less - although I have to admit it sometimes feels awkward to be talking about other kids with my kids afterwards. I guess I'm wanting affirmation that sometimes that's necessarily to make a point with your children!
Sometimes it's the child's chatter that is negative - for example they criticize another child, talk rudely or condescendingly, or are clearly exaggerating/lying about something. I don't necessarily feel comfortable calling the child on their comments - although maybe I could handle it the same way with a house rule asking for only kind words or something like that. I want to teach my kids to be discerning in what they hear/believe/accept. I recognize that as my kids get older, they also shouldn't feel like they have to spend time with our friends' kids just because the parents are friends. But it's definitely challenging in a social environment where it's easier to get the families together versus just the adults. And often they like the other kids - but I just don't want them to think I approve of how the kids behave/speak.
Bottom line is to be a parent and set the tone - for all the kids under your watch/home/car. Thank you everyone!
What I've told my kids from day 1 is "Different Mommies have different rules." So basically, I just reinforce that people are different. It doesn't make us/them right or wrong but they know the rules in my house and I expect other children that visit my house to follow my rules too. In addition, I do not let my children visit homes where I know that my and my husbands rules will not be enforced.
Good luck with this:-)
I had the same problems with my oldest sons friends, I explained to him about his friends behaviors usually when he is with his friends who are causing trouble, he knows to come home. while they are with me, I just tell them if they don't straighten their act up they won't be invited again and that I will be talking to their parents. I haven't had to do that yet.
Talking to the parents might be a good idea, they probably have no idea how their child acts while they are away from them.
Good luck,
Tonya
Hi, I appologize, I don't have any advice, I am just responding so that I can come back to this request. I have a bit of the same problem. My daughter has a friend who lies through her teeth and her mom is in denial and says that her daughter doesn't talk like that or that she doesn't lie. Which I have caught her in soooo many lies and everytime her mom is not around. I see how winny (spelling ?) she gets and then her mom gives in and she gets her way. ALL the time. It's horrible, but my daughter likes her. She is an only child, but when I had one, my child was no where near that.
Hi B.,
I don't know what ages your kids are, but I have run into similar issues (I have a five year-old son). When other children come to our house, I explain our house rules to them, especially if I have reason to believe that there are going to be issues. I'll do this with the parents present if they happen to be there. I just say this in a matter-of-fact way, just as you would if you were explaining how to play a certain game. If the child then breaks one of the rules, either I wait to see if my son can handle it himself or I will speak with the child, depending on the context and severity of what happened. I have let a child know that our house rules are our house rules, and that if he chooses not to comply with them that the playdate will end. I haven't had to end a playdate yet but would do so if the child displayed the bad behavior again. I'm not talking about calling someone a poopy-head but more serious stuff. With other kids (those whose homes have rules similar to ours), I generally do not mention the rules ahead of time and let my son handle issues that arise unless both kids are acting up. I have definitely had to explain to my son that different families have different rules. If there is a specific issue, I explain to him why we have our rule from a perspective he might understand (e.g., most people do not like to play with people who break their toys; we do not like to play with people who do not respect our things, and we want to make sure that you continue to be the kind of person other kids want to play with) and I try to do so without disparaging the other family. I can just imagine him going to school the next day and saying, "My mommy says no one will ever want to play with you because you break things"! With respect to the parents, I find that the overwhelming majority support our house rules and let their kids know that they need to respect them when they are at our house. If I run into an issue, I just tell the parent that we have a specific rule and that I would really appreciate his/her help in explaining that rule to little Johnny. As an fyi, I absolutely never try to tell the parents that they should have a similar rule. I think that, as long as you can refrain from sounding like your rules are better than your friends', and just explain that your rules exist, your friends are not likely to take offense. I have accepted that other parents might think I'm too strict or whatever. Your family's rules are your family's rules; you don't have to defend them. Now, if your kids are tweens or teens, I don't know what to tell you! Hope some of this helps.
K.
Hi B.,
My children are grown now, but when we moved to Houston in 1972 they were 9 and 12. We lived there for 20 years. During that time their neighborhood friends would come to our house all the time. My husband baked cookies and we had GALLONS of milk that these kids went through. We had a swimming pool, TV and fairly laid back attitude with all of them so our house was the designated meeting place.
I told them what our rules were. That they would be not allowed to do anything harmful to one another; to use hateful or racist language toward one another; to do anything destructive to my or any of the kids belongings; no running around the pool; no dunking each other. As they were older, no smoking (anything) no drinking, no sex...
When a kid misbehaved I told him (or her) that he was on restriction. He would have to sit
for 10 minutes ( I turned on the timer) and at the end of the time had to apologize to me (for breaking my rules) and to the offended child (my own or one of the neighborhood kids). My own kids got the same treatment.
If the offending kid did not then comply, I told him he would have to be on a serious restriction and he would not be allowed to come back to my house for one day (ie.e " you can not come back tomorrow. You may come back day after tomorrow if you are willing to apologize (to me & the offended one) and agree to follow the rules of my home.")
By the time they were teenagers most of the kids knew the rules and complied. But I had one kid who was particularly difficult. He would scream at me. Once he used the hot water spray hose at the kitchen sink to spray my daughte with scalding watrer, He had a week's restriction. When he was 15 he became so violently angry that he rammed his fist through my wall. Two weeks restriction, apologies and he had to help me repair the wall.
The only control or authority I had over those kids (they called themselves "The Gang" there were 7 boys and three girls) was my firm voice of authority, equal treatment of all the kids, the timer, my consistency in enforcing my rules.... and listening to them when they apologized. I would ask them, "Why did you do that?" and I would ask them how else they might have resolved the dispute... most of them did not have a clue... so I would make suggestions about how else they could have handled the problem. Often I would ask them, "IF you did that in your home, what would your mom or dad do?"
It was an eye opener to me to learn about the excessive use of corporal punishment in those homes; the lack of communication the kids had with their own parents; or the lack of RULES. In some cases I thought the parents just were too lazy to work with their kids. When they did something that got on the parents nerves the parents turned on them in their own anger. Some of the "nice" or "lovely" parents were just not paying any attention to their kids.
Only once did I discuss the kids' infractions with their parents and that was the time Paul ran his fist throug the wall. I went to the mother and told her what Paul had done ( I made him go with me back to his house) and that I was putting him on restriciton.
She said that wouldn't do any good because he was just a bad kid. That the school had
called him a psychopath and had expelled him that week from school.
I convinced her that the school had no one qualified to diagnose him as a psychopath; that she and I should go to the school and insist that they re-enroll him; we did and they did; I convinced her to contact her church for a counselor to work with her, her husband and Paul. She did that. I worked harder with Paul.
When Paul became an adult he came out here to Coarsegold, California to visit me. He told me about the unhealthy activities that occured at his home on a regular basis and that he thought our family was the only "normal" one he had ever known. He thanked me for
"believing" in him. We are still friends.
You can have unbelievable influence on those other kids, B.. You set your rules, be certain you rules are fair and fairly enforced, but consistently ENFORCED. The kids will test you to see if you really mean what you say and what you will do. They will respect you.... and you will be helping to raise some decent adults.
Much love to you
Merylyn (aka M... my daughter Eileen's pet name. She put me on thie Momma Source list
Hi B.!
I HATE these situations! Being a generous person, I have often been in these situations taking care of others children. At first, I felt like you....I had LOTS of patience, but it was running out....
Then I realized, it's not fair to my kids that "other kids" get away with more than "my kids" do in THEIR OWN HOME! I didn't say anything to my kids (unless they asked). But, I had to put an end to bad behaviors.
I basically was "on them" (our visitors)for anything and everything that usually was not allowed anyway. It only took 2 strong first days, then their behavior was back "in line". I even "sweetly" told them that, "I know you don't live in our home, but I have rules in my home and behaviors that are not allowed. I enjoy your company, but if you cannot follow my house rules, then I will have to ask your mom to find somewhere else for you to go afterschool"......
They stopped :o) Believe it or not, they even had manners after that!
I'm sure you'll figure out something. Just try to do it before you"explode"....because then, you could bruise your friendship.
Good Luck!
Love, N.
It is perfectly fine to explain to your children that all families do not have the same rules and that you love your kids so much that you have the rules you do.
As far as disciplining them in your home, here is the only mantra: "My house, my rules." That is all you need to say.
When their behavior is hurtful, either physically or emotionally, you definitely tell their parents. What those parents do about it is something you have no control over, but it is your responsibility to tell them.
The same with the kids. Those visiting kids have the right to think that what they are doing is okay unless you tell them it is not. But in this case, you have control over how they behave in your home or they cannot come over.
My boys are in their 20's now and have their own lives and jobs. We are and have always ben very close. When they were younger, I had much stricter rules in my home than most other parents. It did not stop their friends from coming over at all. My house was the one in high school that had the New Year's Eve Parties, post-prom parties, etc. It did not stop anyone from coming over. In many ways I know they appreciated what the rules were right up front. They were good kids who were respectful to each other and me.
Set your boundaries and be consistent. it is the best thing you can do for your own kids as well as these others.
B.
I have friends like that to
and we tell our friends that there kids have to behave a certinen way or there not allowed and tell the kids that when there in your HOUSE or when your watching them out some place that it your rules that they have to follow and give them the same punishment that your would do to your own children and I tell the parents when there in my care they get treated the same and thats the way life is and it works good
if you don't like them lying tell them to go and sit down have a time out or make them write why they lied and what about and them as a whole group talk about it in the open with everyone there it will help out alot I know at first it's going to be hard but in the end it will be worth it and make sure you that when you all sit down to talk bring the Lord in and ask him to guide you all
Good luck D. mother of 4
Hi B.,
While you are not the parent, you can always set appropriate expectations when the kids are around you or your kids. If you see them misbehave and their own parents don't correct them, tell them that that behavior is not tolerated in your house. Even if I am out and I see a kid I don't know misbehaving, I have no problem correcting their behavior. Children have to learn how to behave in society. It's our role as parents and adults to model that and correct children when they don't behave appropriately.
The parents may have a looser form of discipline with their kids or they may not even know how to discipline. I would talk with them frankly about how you discipline your own kids. If you tell them what they should do with their kids, chances are they will reject your advice. But if you give them examples of how you teach your children, they may accept that more readily.
Good luck!
If someone elese kids are with me I treat them as my own including the discipline. If we are at my home and the parents are there I give them a chance to control the situation but if they don't I will tell them we dont act like that at my house and make them apologize.
how do the friends' kids behave at school? what ages are they?
I have kindergarteners and so far we manage by telling our kids and their friends that we have certain "house rules" just like they have certain "classroom rules" in school (it's also helpful that at least one of my girls' teachers has mentioned that soemtimes different families have different rules, when a couple students had mentioned that their family did such-and-such when another said they did that differently). And when the kids are being bossy or rude I try to remind them to use their polite words like they do in Ms. X's class (not sure how well this would work for older kids though) So far, knock wood, we haven't had any major issues so I'm not sure how I'd handle that. In theory, I think I'd start by telling my kids' friends that we have certain "house rules" regarding things like being respectful with their words and being respectful of the property and that I trust they're old enough/responsible enough to remember and follow them. And if they continue to ignore the rules after being reminded, tell them that you'll have to let their parents know that they haven't been good about following the house rules and future playdates will be put "on hold". But since I haven't actually had to try this yet, it's still only "in theory" - hopefully more folks will weigh in with their 'real world' experience. Hopefully since the parents are friends of yours they won't be defensive and/or say that their kids would never do such a thing.
This is a hard one. My advice is that when those kids are in your house or in your care, they follow your rules. I can't imagine your friends wouldn't expect the same if your kids were the ones that were handfuls. My son has a friend who comes from an awesome family, but he can be a bit of a stinker and in the last year he hasn't really used any manners when asking for things like juice, snacks, etc. I call him on it and ask him to use his manners - generally he does and if he doesn't he doesn't get what he wants. Period - my kids are expected to say please and thank you and I don't think it's too much to ask that their friends do as well (especially when I know his parents expect it). I usually ask him to use his manners in a fun way since he's only 4 and I have to consider my audience.
As for my daughters friends (she is 8), I set ground rules when they walk in the door or in the car on the way home. My daughter has a friend that I had heard was a bit difficult on play dates. The first time we had her over when they got to the house I told her the rules regarding playing/including my son (or not) and not teasing him, what rooms were off limits (ie: home office), where they could play, etc. We had no problems.
If your friends kids go home and say something about your difference in rules/structure after a play date and the parents ask, just say, we have rules in our home and have been lax with them when your kids come over. Ask them to consider what kind of message you would be sending to your own kids if you let your friends kids break the rules in front your own kids. Tell your friends you expect your kids to follow their rules at their house too. If they really are your friends, they'll respect your rules and honesty and maybe it will make a difference in their kids behavior. Good luck.
Hi B.. I think that if your friends are good enough friends than you should feel free to speak up to thier children without them having a problem. My best friend and her husband have two children about the same age as my two and niether one of us hold back form disciplinig eachothers children. I also feel that if they are in your household than they should do as you make your children have to do (or not do). Anyway what I think is that if your friends are really good enough friends than they shouldn't be offended in any way when you speak up for something you don't like. Good Luck!
B. -
Probably the best advice I can give you is to keep your priorities in check - remember that first comes your role as parents (not your role as friends). My suggestion - limit (or eliminate, if necessary) the amount of time your children spend with their children. It's more important that your children learn proper manners than for you to spend time with specific people. Just a little side note - it's been widely written that Jackie Kennedy severely limited her children's involvement (she had 2 children, of course) with their cousins (Bobby and Ethel's children - they had 11) because she found them to be so unruly and ill-mannered. Read up a little on how the two sets of children turned out and you'll notice a huge contrast. If you feel you must (or really want to) maintain the friendship, plan nights out with just the adults and become a master at coming up with excuses on why the families can't get together.
Good luck!
L.
P.S. My rule of thumb on disciplining other kids (specifically) - I don't do it in front of the parents. While I do have certain rules in my home that everyone has to follow, rules against lying, bossying people around, etc. are hard to enforce without offending the parents.
You did not say how old these kids are? you need to sit your kids down and explane how you expect them to act. They need to your rules. When other kids come to your house you need to tell them when they act up WE DONT DO THAT AT OUR HOUSE! your house your rules.Your kids need to know the rules are the same for everyone
if i have my friends kids or even if my friends and their kids are over as a family, there are usually rules that i go over before i send them off playing.
i just gather them all up and go over the rules. its usually: the standard, no hitting or screaming, no tattling, and pick up the toys you are playing with before you get something else out and mind your manners.
our group of kids is usually from ages 2-7, so it works well. granted, the house is usually destroyed. but i didn't have a lot of tattling or fights, so it all works out.
i think the bottom line is that children need to respect the rules of others' homes and be respectful to the adults. so once you sit them down and explain it to them, they understand quite well.
Oh this one's easy!
How you explain to your kids that you don't necessarily approve of what their kids say or do: Say, "I don't necessarily approve of what their kids say or do."
And when kids are in your house, or you are in charge of them, treat them the same way you would your own children. They have to follow the same rules.
As the saying goes, when in Rome...
I'm not a big fan of telling the parents anything, they usually don't appreciate it and probably won't change their ways. Just try and teach their kids what you can. Remember, it takes a village, right??
Wow- there's a lot of great advice here!
I just want to add that sometimes it's a perspective thing- you've invested a lot of time (re)enforcing rules with your own kids/family- visiting kids don't necessarily know that or have the same rules at home. So they can't intuitively know that they are out of line!
I know it's hard to be entirely proactive, because sometimes you can't forsee what rules to explain / what rules they will break until after the fact. But, remember to have a bit of compassion for the child: they are learning the rules as they go along! I really liked the suggestion to explain house rules with the parents present- invite the other parent in to have a cup of tea- having a half hour overlap never hurts to aid communication! This also might help b/c if the child is acting out negatively, it might be because of an impression of disapproval from you. They are struggling to assert their individuality in their own way. Having a transition period with their parent present might make them feel more comfortable and positive.
I've been on both sides of the issue! I've been the uptight parent with too many rules and on the flip-side been the casual parent with the out-of-control child jumping on the couch. Every family is different, and learning cultural sensitivity is a good thing- just provide them a guide!
Best to you,
Erika
In regards to explaining other children's bad behavior to your kids, we use "they haven't learned yet". This gives two things to your children 1) understanding that you do not approve of the behavior and 2) compassion. Someone can always learn and improve.
OMG I have been there! I cannot STAND unruly kids and parents who do not reprimand them!!! I have a friend almost like a sister and when she comes over she thinks it is her time off and her kids run around like wild animals!! I tell them that there are things they may be allowed to do at home, but they WILL NOT do it here, you have to be very firm, the hard thing is to not upset the parents, but then again if they are GOOD friends, they should be respecting the rules in your home!!! I had a friend here who's son decided it was ok to walk on my couches, his mom told him to get down, but he didn't listen and when I asked him if he did it at home he said no, but he wasn't at home!!! You need to tell the parents right away when the kids are doing something unacceptable in your home, you need to make the parents aware of your rules and expectations, just as you do the kids, ALOT EASIER SAID THAN DONE! I know. My kids are not by any means angels, but they know they follow my house rules NO MATTER where they are, "You don't run in my house and you don't run in ____ house, even if thier parents allow it!" Good luck!!!
Hi B.,
I think we all have had this experience. For some odd reason, discipline and courtesy is not taught at home for the last generation and into this current generation (which makes sense: if one has not been taught polite behavior, then it's hard to pass it on).
I would hope that you have the courage to do what I never did: talk to the parents at an appropriate time and place, in a calm and compassionate voice. If they get offended, so be it. When you talk to them, make sure of your intention and mood - you want for their children to be happy and fun loving and bear good manners. If the parents can't hear that, then there's not much else that can be done, but at least you have planted seeds.
Hi B.,
Been there...what we have always told our children is that every family has its own rules. What is okay for someone else doesn't mean that it is okay for them if it is something that they know we don't approve of. I have also told the kids in my house that we love to have them come and play but they have to follow our rules. It's okay to tell another parent that their child was misbehaving. I would want to know if my child was being rude in someone else's home. I think most parents would respect you for being honest, especially if you are friends. Good luck!
Bethm
I have a good friend who I love dearly but I can't stand her sons especally when they are at my house, they tend to run wide and destroy things, (even with there parents are present) I have even caught her 7 year old going in to nmy room after my dog and attempting to ride her like a pony my room is off limits to even my kids if the dog has gone in there for a break and is fairly old). I would say something when they were doing things but I couldn't take it when they were out of the room and I couldn't see what they were doing so now the rule is that if they are at my house they have to stay in the family room and are not allowed in other rooms of the house, if they need to use the bathroom one of there parents has to go with them (the youngest thought it would be fun to plug up my toliet and it flooded the bathroom, my daughter found it after 30 minutes (what a mess). It is your house and should be respected, if they won't behave don't have them over.
Amanda
I usually take a very matter of fact approach, and tell the children "In my house it is not appropriate to behave in this way, and I expect you to respect what words are saying." You can also explain calmly that consequences will happen if the behavior continues. For instance having them go home. I would also be honest with the parents and explain what your rules are in your home and that you expect that visiting friends should be willing to respect them. Just like they do when they are in school. I am a preschool teacher so I tend to handle it like I do in my class. The key is to be calm and fair. Hopefully this will help.
J.
B.,
I agree with so much of what has already been stated, especially they kids following the rules in your home.
The one piece I want to add is when your children are at someone else's house, what would you want to know about? Would it be the minor squabbling over who goes first or the hurtful stuff?
I think a parent wants to know what happens. I know I do. If my child is rude, I want to know. She was rude once and I heard about it. It doesn't happen anymore. There is an understanding about behaviors, especially on playdates. Tell the parents, in non-accusatory ways. When I email or call I add, "As a parent, I want to know how my child when she's away."
I also call or email and specifically ask. That is good to do. Last week, I found out my 6 yr old wasn't very flexible. She's working on it and it's something I check in with her about before and after a playdate. We talk strategies to negotiate play. So far, so good.
Tell the parents,
Stephanie
Dear B.,
Boy, have I been through this before!
I have the nicest and dearest friends in the entire world. They are the most giving and generous and sweet humans I have ever known. Their oldest son is an absolute gem and asks me for advice and I've helped him get ready for proms, etc. Their younger son is a monster. He and my son are the same age and have been raised together, like brothers since they were just little, little. Their son is picky, pushy, throws fits, lies, got in trouble for stealing during a school field trip. Another kid moved into the neighborhood, who is also constantly in trouble, and the two of them decided to gang up on my son. They said things that were so cruel, I will not repeat them. Anyway, my son, 12, made the decision that he will not be friends with the boy any longer and I respect his decision. My friends just did not want to believe that their son would be so cruel, even though it was happening at school as well. They never disciplined their son and it almost ended our friendship.
It is possible to like adults and not their children. In fact, my son and I spent the day with our friends yesterday, just the four of us.
Here's the thing....When other people's children are in your home, they follow YOUR rules. Period. I've had kids say, "My mom never makes me clean up after lunch. You're not my mom. You can't tell me what to do". I just say, "Well, that's okay, I'm not your mom. She is not here. This is MY house and this is how we do things here. We be respectful of each other here. We say please and thank you. We ask permission before getting in the refrigerator". Just say things like that. When the kid's behavior is really rude, tell the parents.
The kid might not like it, but I'm telling you, 9 out of 10 times the kids just fall in line and do ask they are asked once they are met with, "Your mom does things her way and I do things my way." There is nothing wrong with telling a child when they are not being polite while you are the adult in charge. AND, that you will not tolerate it.
If the parents don't want you correcting their children, then the children can stay home. I know from personal experience that my kids were always like..."I can't believe how so and so behaved in the restaurant (or wherever). How embarrassing! I would NEVER act like that."
Strange as this may sound, sometimes naughty children are a good thing to have your kids around. Not so much that the bad behavior will rub off, but, they can see how ridiculous, embarrassing and unappreciated that type of behavior is by everyone else who has to listen to it.
My kids are not perfect angels by any means, but I'm telling you....at someone else's home, in the store, in a restaurant, in church, they would never dare get snippy with an adult or kick up a fuss. Oh...and the other thing....when we had unruly kids over, I always talked to my kids about it beforehand. So...if the other kids were being bossy or pushy or wouldn't share, the toy or activity got taken away and they were all on time-out. ALL of them. My kids understood that they were not being punished and I wasn't mad at them, but this way, there was no arguing and no one kid was singled out. I'd say...Okay...time out for everyone and my kids would go to their spots. The other kids got the hang of it pretty quickly. Soon, they just went along with the program and we were able to have fun and happy visits.
Best of luck!
well you simply set rules for your house and your presence and if they cant follow they will not be allowed to come over and be taken home immediately (if possible) you can also say things like that is not acceptable in this house and "I am not sure your parents would appreciate it either....I will be sure to ask them when I drop you off" it will give you the indication if the parents are already aware of it or not.
it is okay to have rules in your own house and when others come over they need to follow them just as simple as you take your shoes off before entering my house, you dont speak in that tone here or you will be asked to leave.
Honestly if and when you speak to their parents if they over react or dont understand you know where the problem really lies.
hope this helps.
It's interesting to me that this situation always seems to be where the parents are really nice people and you enjoy their company but you scratch your head and ask your self how could they of all people have such unruley kids? I see it all the time especially with organized sports where we hang out together alot as families or in the classroom .Some of the behavior that happens with some of my sons teamates on the field or in the dug out is dissapointing. So in those situations we never carry the friendship over to our home. Even though I may really enjoy the adults I try to draw the line. There are many well mannered and behaved kids as well and I want to be an example to my kids on how to pick your friends. So far they have really learned to be attracted to positive and mannered kids. I felt especially protective when they are very young, under 5. This is such a vunerable time that we are laying a strong foundation of our family values and ideals. A very missbehaving or foul mouthed child can really be a bad influence those early immpressionable years. Then your work is harder trying to correct what your child learns. I hope this dosn't sound like to harsh of a way to deal with it. I just think my kids who are certainly not perfect but do have good manners and boundries, deserve me to back them up on who they play with. Just because I like the parents dosn't nessesarly mean they are enjoying the kids as much ,especially when they are breaking their toys or direspecting their home. We as parents have made a choice to put our time and energy into friendships with like minded families. Ultimatley I think it undermines what we teach our children when we support friendships with kids who just don't get it. My kids know that certain behaviors will not be invited into our home. It is our little safe haven to be protected. We are not lacking in the friendship department from this. I really agree with what the other moms have shared as well on how to deal with this. I am at the point after 11 years of parenting to just not even go there in the first place.Theres enough behavoir issues and values to work on with out taking on the extremes.We can't be close friends with everyone. So pick and choose. I am a little nervous to send my response because I don't want it to be taken the wrong way, but here it goes.
Hi B.,
I agree with Karen. I tend to say "at our house we don't do that". I have also asked the child to go and sit with their parent (if the parent is there), I have even done this with my own nieces and nephews. It sets a standard for your house and hopefully the other parents will respect that.
If worse comes to worse, reverse it on the child and ask them to help you make dinner or pick up a room. Maybe they are bored or just need a little attention. Sometimes they aren't able to express what it is thats bugging them.
D.
I tell the kids that whatever inappropriate thing it is that they are doing is not allowed in our home. I say this in front of their parents also. Or if my son is imitating what the other kids are doing, I tell him very audibly that behavior is not allowed and if it continues, I'll have to send his friends home.
Simply tell them, "My house, my Rules". I took care of many of my friends kids and I could not let them do or say things I did not allow my own kids to do. Most of the time I would try to make the corrections neutral like, We take turns in our house, Friends don't say things like that to friends, Or my fave, We speak kindly in this house. I wouldn't really say anything to my mom friends unless there was something major (involving safety) or if it interfered with the kids enjoying their time together. It is so hard to tell a friend something negative about their own child, unless they point blank ask you to give them advice. Or I would just say, we all talked about taking turns today, just in case. I have had some lovely friends who have kids who "run the roost" and some times it amazes me. I hope this helps. Just think of yourself as a positive behavior role model and a good friend. Hope this helps!
Sometimes "nice" people are challenged by the need to say NO or be disciplinarians. Children need bounders & structure in order to learn respect & care for others including their own parents.
You have a tough job as a friend to point this out.
You might try to broach the subject in cooperation with a book on discipline like "Discipline: Mentoring Children for Success" by Kern, Jensen, Muniz or "Making Children Mind without Losing yours" by Dr. K Leman to name a couple. Or perhaps you might find one more suitable for their specific age group.
Be gentle & sincere & the true intention will shine through.
