Disciplining a 6 Yr Old Girl Who Thinks She Is 16

Hi S.
I have a 6 year old daughter I have been though this with her. The soap in the mouth worked for us. Also we have made her write things on paper a certain amount of times. For example (i will not be disrespectful).As she writes it if she still talks back we add another one on.Everytime she talks back one is added.These have both worked for us with her. I hope this helps you out. GOOD LUCK

I would say banishing her to her room and ignoring it be the most patient way of handling this. Some kids, spanking doesn't help anyway. However, I think swatting and sending to her room to calm down the quickest method. I don't have time with 7 children to use the longer methods. I hated being spanked as a child too, and swore I would never do it to my children, until my toddler was becoming a brat. My sister with 6 well adjusted children mentored me on better parenting. This is when I decided that a swat once in a while when there was absolutely intolerable behavior was worth doing. Spankings really didn't scar my psyche as a child, it was my bio parent's inconsistancy and unpredictability that did. So, whatever you choose, as long as you are consistant, firm, follow through, and consitant, she will eventually find it uninteresting to do that anymore. I have a 6yo, and she absolutely has a defiance issue. I do think that part of it is the age. And, usually separating them from the activity is the only thing that may need doing.

I have an 8 year old who thinks she's all grown up. We threaten her with having to go to bed, works every time. She hates to go to sleep! What also works for us is taking away tv for an evening or keeping her home from swim practice. I have learned you have to find what gets to them and ground them from that. We've actually never had to keep her home from swim b/c she straightens up right away!
Good luck,
Jenn

Hi S., I will pray for your continued strength for patience & understanding with your little 6 year old. I truly can relate to this, because my precious is 15 years old now, and I would say her sassiness started about 10 or 11, and it seems to have gotten worse as the years went by. I tell you I was really having a tough time, all the talking back, yelling when we are trying to talk, disrespectful, to the point where we would both be yelling and not talk to each other for days. I was ready to throw in the towel, I was truly loosing the desire to be a parent, and the nurturing that I knew she could only get from me, I didn't want to give it. I even wrote to all the moms out there as well to give me some advice, suggestions, whatever to help me realize that I am not alone, you are not the only one going thru these things, because I sure thought that i was. So I would say pray, try your best to talk to her like she is a 6 year old, find out what she's so angry about, but at the same time let her know that there will be consequences for her behavior. All the other moms gave very good advice and suggestions also. Take away her favorite things, no tv, no play dates, whatever you have to do to make her understand that this behavior is not acceptable, this will only help her as she continues to grow. Now I know her hormones ain't raging at this age are they? My best to you and your precious little angle. Hang in there S., my thoughts are with you..

I can tell you that you do not want to make the same mistake that I did with my girls...I was convinced that if I was their "friend" that they would love me enough that they would WANT To mind me. Ha!!! All three of my girls turned out to be wonderful people...productive citizens and children that I am proud of..but our lives would have been a lot easier if they had been taught from day one that there were consequences to their actions.
I agree that I wouldnt want to use spanking...and I think soap in the mouth is ridiculous...but I would look for something that she LOVES that can be taken away as the consequence...tv,video games, talking on the phone, playing outside...something that will really make her THINK!!! If you dont get the 6 year old under control...then you have a younger sister who will be following in her footsteps before too long and that will just double your trouble. You and your husband need to be in agreement on this...so that both of you react in the same way...not angry or frustrated...just matter of fact. "You didnt mind me....or you were disrespectful...so this is the price you pay". You are not doing her any favors by allowing her to act in a way that will not be acceptable by the world at large. She needs to learn to be responsible for her behavior and respectful to people who are in a position of authority over her.
Good luck!!

I did something similar to Terri-- I took a piece of posterboard and put 3 things on it:
1> The house rules (I'd keep it simple to remember-- ours were Do what Mom & Dad say, the FIRST time and No screaming)

2> 5 laminated cards with poster-tac on the back- these cards are 5 things she gets to do each day-- 30 min of TV, 30 min of TV or computer, Read a book with Mom or Dad, 30 minutes with a special art-supply box (I bought fun stuff just for this-- pipecleaners, etc), and a treat after dinner.

3> A chart with 1/2" squares. There are 5 blank squares, then the 6th says something special (but inexpensive) that we can do on the weekend-- Rent a DVD, go to the $1 store, get ice cream, etc. After about 4 weeks of the inexpensive stuff, I put an extra special thing like going to an indoor pool or a kids' play place.

Every time she breaks a house rule, she has to take a daily privilege card off the chart and she can't do that privilege for the day. If she has 3 privileges left on the posterboard at the end of the day, she gets to put a sticker on the chart, which of course, gets her closer to getting her special weekend thing.

This has worked really well for us-- She gets immediate consequences (she loses a daily privilege) as well as short term rewards (weekend stuff) and long-term rewards (like the pool or other extra special thing about once a month). And while she sometimes complains about having to take a card of, we don't have huge tantrums about it, and she really WANTS to get a sticker at the end of the day, so it keeps her from bad behavior most of the time. The hard part for us was remembering to not give her "warnings" all the time-- that's what got us the bad behavior in the first place. Now, as soon as she doesn't listen, or if she yells, we tell her to take a privilege off-- no more warnings. Also, keeping our cool is really key-- we tell her to take a privilege off in a calm voice. She's having a consequence because she broke a house rule, not because she made mom or dad mad. When we get upset, things escalate. And you can't tell her to take off more than one at a time-- it won't be effective if parents can "change the rules" whenever they want and dish out more consequences than we originally said. Also, there is no earning back a lost privilege-- if they think they can get it back, there's no incentive for them to have good behavior (I can throw a fit now because if I pick up my toys later, I can get my privilege back anyway).

Sorry this is so long, it's kind of hard to explain without visuals. Feel free to contact me if you have questions. I can send you the chart and cards I made if you'd like. Good luck with everything!

I have a 7 y/o boy who occasionally back talks to me. Spanking & time out have not worked well. However a 'slap on the tounge' with a little tobasco sauce works quite well. Not much, just put your finger on the top of the open bottle, tip it over & tip it back. You can't see anything on your finger, but trust me it is there & just enough to taste with a little burn.
I hope this helps!

God Bless!

My daughter had a problem something like this and she wrote down the rules of the house with the help of the kids. Then each child got a vase of plastic flowers, not sure how many, then they would decide on a special treat they would want at the end of the week, a sleep over, McDonald's, something easy, then a flower would go if they broke a rule. They would do anything not to loose a flower, in fact I think they tried sneaking them back in the vase, eventually the vase got less and less use until they were forgotten. You could even have a system where they earn their flowers back by doing household chores! Remember part of the way this works is to get the kids involved in starting this system. Let me know if you try it and it works!

Another thing, if you are yelling back this just gets into a yelling match. The words "excuse me" said to her when she yells with no other response to her yelling also goes a long way to make her stop and think about what she's doing, or ask her if she has a more appropriate response to what is going on, she probably just wants more one on one attention from you. Maybe that's what they can earn, a quiet meal with just one parent, don't all kids want that? My 16 year old and I go out to eat together at least once a week, his dad works that evening and he and I are closer than I was with my daughter's, he has also learned that if he comes to us with something he's done wrong, the consequences are less. This has really helped in the last year when he is wanting to see a girl at her house, he has been very responsible with letting us know when and where they are going, texting us when he gets in the car. I hope you find a way to communicate with your daughter, I'm sure this is all she really needs!

Discipline without Damage, Love and Logic, and 1-2-3 Magic are all good systems to explore. You can find out about them at the bookstore or your local library. All are non-violent methods. The main idea in all of them is that discipline is administered consistently and without ANY emotion from the parent. The child learns through natural consequences and reasonable penalties because of her actions. Please check them out.

I haven't read the other responses. But you got spanked and soap in the mouth. Are you a good parent? Are you a good person? Do you love your kids? Did your parents love you? I was spanked and got soap in the mouth. I know lots of people who were raised that way too. It works.

If it works - don't try to fix it.

First I would recommend calling around and seeing if you can find a parenting class (maybe a Parents as Teachers educator would know where one is going on)...I can personally recomment 1-2-3 Magic, Common Sense Parenting, and Love and Logic. I can't say I subscribe to any ONE of the methods but instead employ a little of all three (by the way each one has a supporting book...and Common Sense Parenting was founded out of Boystown).

I feel your pain being a working mom, tired, busy...BUT if you want this to stop BOTH you and your husband have to have a unified approach. AND if you don't stop this with the 6 yr old and QUICK you will very soon have the 4 yr old doing the same thing because it has been proven that it's a successful tactic.

One idea is that she's doing it for attention. If she's not getting enough attention, even bad attention is something more than what she was getting. So you might want to set some time aside for just her each night...even if it's just 15 minutes to touch base on how her day was...just one on one time.

TIME OUTS WORK...I never would have agreed to that prior to the classes, but it's true. (YUCK, there I said it). No they aren't fun and yes, they are a pain in the butt for the kid and us but if you want this to stop here's what you need to do. Get a kitchen timer. Find a time out spot that is BORING (no in-line site to TV or fun things to do or where she will get attention). Time outs are 1 minute for each year they are old. Give her 2 warnings and count it (let her know ahead that this is what is going to happen). For example...she starts sassing, you just look at her and say "That's one", she either stops or she doesn't...if she doesn't you wait 10-15 seconds to give her the opportunity to stop the action and then you say, "That's two" again the 10-15 seconds...if it doesn't stop "That's three take 6 (minutes)" and send her to time out. If she throws the temper tantrum or whatever let her throw it...but when she's done with it she still needs to serve her 6 minutes. Time out is TOTAL SILENCE. If she goes to her room and tears it all apart, LEAVE IT. Once she is done with the tantrum or the fits have stopped altogether have her clean her room (even help her) but let her know if she does it again she has to clean it herself and that type of behavior is not tolerated.

You also need to start taking priveleges away. She knows you are soft on this and she's playing you. Everything she has outside of a bed, clothes and food is a priveldge NOT a right. Start with whatever is going to hit home the most and take it. 48, 72 hours a week...let her know what the time limit is and stick to it but make sure that when the limit is up you give her back the item ON TIME. ON TIME is VERY important or you have lost any established credibility and trust you may have earned.

Bottom line, she's pushing the limits. As long as she gets an emotional response from you or hubby, she's winning. Try to remain as neutral as possible (even when you want to ring her neck..LOL). Yeah, the spanking...did that too...know what that proved? That my kid could start hitting whenever he got mad...yeah, that one backfired SPECTACULARLY...so kudos to you for stopping the cycle.

Oh, and the most important thing about the 1-2-3 magic...is NEVER talk about the action after ward...no guilt, no analyzing. You serve your time and it's like it never happened...wipe the slate clean. Eventually, you won't even need to say one...your look will solve the problem. We had meltdowns with my current 5 yr old when he was 3...worst sort of temper tantrums where the walking away just wasn't enough. We applied the 1-2-3 Magic discipline with a little more attention throughout the day as we could (more snuggle time/read time at bedtime) and we turned it around in about 2 weeks. You too can do it but you HAVE to be committed to it and stick with it. If you have any questions, feel free to email me...Good luck and stay strong!

S.,
My 9 yr old is very similar and has been for yrs! We do know where she gets it from but that is besides the point. When she acts like that we just say "I am not willing to talk to you when you act like this" and then tune her out until she is ready to respond. It sounds like an attention getter. Then when she is calm and nothing is going on I would talk to her about it and how it makes you feel then turn it and say "How does it make you feel when you treat people that way?" "How do you like it when people talk to you like that?" And see what happens after a couple of weeks. Good luck and hang in there!
K.

Hi S.,

You need to put a stop to this asap or she's going to be a hellion when she's 15. Just be super firm with her and stick to your guns. It's going to take alot of work on your part, but that's part of our job as a parent. Be consistent. My mom would never in a million years let me tell her no and scream at the top of my lungs, slam doors, etc. She was always on my back and I would think to myself, does this woman ever stop?! Sure I was irritated at the time but now that I am older, I really appreciate her toughness. It's amazing to me the things some parents let their kids get away with. When I was a teenager I had a friend that when her mom would come in her room she'd start yelling at her mom and would tell her to F off!! Her mom would just shut the door and walk away. I would just stand there embarrassed for her mom that she didn't have the self respect to make her daughter show any respect. Good luck and be tough and in the end she'll thank you for it.

Sherrie G hit it on the head. When I was little my dad was the one with rules and I knew if I was bad I would get punished. My dad never had to hit me but I knew if I pushed him too far it could happen. My mom sounds like you and I knew that I didn't have to listen to her and I did whatever I wanted. I grew up knowing my dad loved me and I have always questioned my moms love. We don't have a very good relationship and hardly talk. I'm not saying that you don't love your daughter and that you guys will not speak when she gets older. But kids crave structure and rules they know a parent that cares enough will be there to keep them in line. Also if you are having this kind of problem with her at 6yr I would hate to see what trouble she will be getting in at 16. You have to stop it while she is young and you can control her. Also you have a younger child that will follow right in line if you don't stop this soon.

Since you seem open to books I will make two suggestions, and its been a while so I may not have the titles perfect, but it will get you started...the first one was required reading for me when I was in training ( 10 years ago! at La Petite ) it was called How to talk so your kids will listen ( I think)
And the second was what I resorted to when my son was 2 to 3 ish on the recomondation of a mom with 3 kids, that was called 123 Magic....Both were fabulous!!!
Lots of luck!
B.

Good Morning S.! Sherri G has so much Wisdom and Understanding in this situation all I can say is WOW Sherri!! And she is so right in this. There are No Consequence's for Her actions. No swats, Time outs etc. She has more control over you then you do over her.
I did swat and I did use soap especially when they ( 2 son's) decided it was OK to use nasty words. It worked. They are 34/32 now and still alive and well.

Your little girl is a joy I betcha when she is being good. When she is around others I bet she is just fine and happy.
Look for the good things she does too, give her atta girls for making her bed or putting things away.

As for the discipline You have to Stick to whatever you decide to use. Not just do it one or two times. It will eventually get through to her. Doesn't matter if she doesn't like it one little bit. Your the Parent and you really need to Take away her control over you.

I pray for Strength and wisdom.
Another great book by Dobson is "Children Are Wet Cement".

God Bless
K. Nana of 5

First of all- I am appalled by the number of parents on here who would put a toxic substance, soap, in their child's mouth for back talking. Don't adults do this all the time? Has no one ever been to wal-mart? Are we perfect?

If you utilize this tactic of a bad taste in her mouth- vinegar tastes awful but is a food grade substance. Soap is NOT meant for human consumption. You can also get CPS involved if she told her teachers since it IS a reportable incident as far as child welfare is concerned.

I would be happy to talk to you more in PMs or on the phone if you'd like. I've dealt with loads of difficult behavior from many different children and never needed to hit them or make them eat soap.

When my daughter would get that way something was going on at school the teacher or an other child had made her mad she would take it out on me since she couldn't take it out on them, it's just like adults arguing sometimes it not about what there arguing about thats the problem, when she's settled down ask her about school and see if it's the problem good luck or simply ask her when things have cooled down why she's being that way children are insightful then we think

I highly recommend the book How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. It's easy to read and helpful, you can't fix everything at once, there are no miracle cures, but this book has helped me time and time again, as I make the little changes, I see significant differences. It's not much about punishing, but about discipline in the traditional sense. It's more about how to have a relationship with you kids... Enough gushing, I just hope it helps.

K.

I am the disciplinary in our home. My husband just yells and never follows through with his threats (God love him lol). So..because I follow through, my daughter, 5 (going on 15!), knows I mean business when I say something. She backtalks her dad ALL the time and it's a constant battle. I've tried breaking it, but I think unless he steps up to the plate and follows through with discipline, it will continue between them. ugh. For me, when she happens to backtalk me, I sternly remind her that is not the way we talk in this house. If it continues, a pop on the hind end gets her attention, or if she is out of control, I send her to her BED (not just bedroom, but bed), with no tv, no activities, until she can straighten up and apologize for her behavior. She will usually lay in there for a bit, muling over her reason for being there, and come out a much nicer person. If she doesn't, she goes back until she can. I simply don't tolerate it. I was a BIG backtalker to my mother, and I know the kind of hell I put her through...mostly because I knew I could and she wouldn't do anything to make me stop. Which is what I fear is happening with my husband and daughter. And trust me, I hate being the referee! So the best advice I can give is to find whatever works for the two of you and STICK WITH IT! The more consistent you are, the better it will be for the whole family. Hope this helps and good luck!

Wow, you have many responses and ideas to sort through. The one thing I would like to add is that it isn't so much the technique as it is your attitude. Developing those confident "Mary Poppins" sort of responses that seem to discipline and encourage a child at the same time is, I think, the goal of every caring mother. The best book I ever found for learning this is The Family Virtues Guide, by Linda K. Popov. I think you will especially like the way they explain how to 'name' the virtue rather than 'shame' the child. It teaches you how to find and create teachable moments and how to draw clear boundaries. Boarders used to have this book on the shelf, but now I only see it now-and-again. You can order it on line from The Virtues Project or look for discounts at DealOz.com. You may even find used copies there. Boarders will also order it for you if it isn't on the shelf. If you visit The Virtues Project website, you will find that you can also order CDs from their seminars. That is like taking a parenting class that you can listen to over and over again. They are so full of wisdom and experience! The strategies of the Virtues Project have been adopted by the Boys & Girls Clubs of America.

I like the suggestion of parenting classes and I like much of the Love and Logic theories. It really is good to learn from all of them, as one reply suggested. You will figure out how to blend them all most artfully and learn to achieve the results you are wanting. Remember that it will take some time to learn this yourself, so be patient with both yourself and your daughter as you muddle through this. It is always best to keep a humble posture of learning. As you are experimenting with and learning new parenting skills, there is nothing wrong with telling your child, "Well, that idea didn't serve my goals. I think I will try this a new way. But, you can be sure, I am going to find a way to help you learn the benefits of respect (or patience, or courtesy, etc.)."

Something I have decided to initiate is a once-a-month virtue language discussion group for parents and teachers who are learning to use the Virtues Guide book. You might consider finding other moms in your area and try tackling the book together. I also suggest that you share the book and/or the strategies with all the adults in your child's life. Help Dad get on board and maybe give a copy of the book to her teacher. The more these methods are reinforced, the better it is for the child.

One thing that might help you right away with the senario you explained is a simple awareness. Children often get loud when they feel they are not being heard or their point of view has not been fairly and compassionately considered. I don't think aversion therapies that induce some painful experience, such as spanking or awful flavors are the best answer. All the child really needs to learn is that yelling and harsh words are not the tools that will help her achieve her goals. I watched a mother working with a 7 y/o that gets impatient easily. As soon as he starts to get loud and anxious, she looks at him calmly and asks, "Do you have a question for me?" He almost always gets control of himself immediately and thinks about what he really wants to ask. If he is already too upset or in a rage, she holds his face gently in her hands so he is looking directly at her and says, "I can't help you or understand you when you talk this way. Can you use your mature voice?" This mother has read both Love and Logic, and, The Family Virtues Guide. She has also learned from therapists who work with special needs kids. All parents need these understandings and techniques, and so few of us have them when we become parents.

One of the best things we can give our children is the example of our willingness to learn, to be creative, and to be patient with ourselves in the process. But it is also important that they see our determination to keep searching for something that will work and our faith and confidence in our ability to accomplish the goal. There is nothing wrong with telling a child, "Well, that behavior is not going to be accepted. If you can't find a better way to do this, I am going to find one for you." Children often develop problem solving attitudes by watching their parents react to the problems they create!

I hope you are able to sift through all these thoughtful responses and gather from them what you need.

I think sometimes we just pinpoint a behavior we don't like and then want some easy fix to stop it. Instead, try looking at the whole situation. Your daughter is trying to get your attention. Look at how her whole life is going for her. I see the word busy at least twice in your post and description of your lives. Why don't you try to find a way to give her more down time and more of your attention? Maybe you can work less and make do with less stuff. I bet that would make a big difference in her behavior.

My opinion is this is one of those line in the sand issues for me. She may be experiencing her need to be grown up and independent early, but this isn't a matter of her growing up. It is a matter of being respectful and she ISN'T.

Sometime when you are not having this arguement, when you're washing dishes together or something somewhat pleasant, tell her you understand that you two are not always going to agree on things and that she is growing up and having more of her own opinions. BUT, she needs to express those to you in a respectful way. You are not going to tolerate abusive, disrespectful language and action AND she is not permitted to disrupt the family. and I mean PERIOD!

Then you HAVE TO get tough. You have to hit her where it hurts (figuratively) and be ready to be consistent for as long as it takes to change the behavior. Tell her what's going to happen, time out, grounding, reduction/elimination of activities, early to bed (lights out)empty her room, etc. When she first starts with the attitude, remind her of the consequences ONCE, then execute, don't wait until you both too wound up.

Good luck!

we do have alot in common, I have 2 girls age 4 and 6 and have been married for 7 years. I too have trouble with both my girls talking back to me. It must be a girl thing? my 4 year old is actually worse than my 6 year old but my 6 year old really is having an attitude lately with being bored and complaining all the time when she is not in school. she also yells at me and slams the door, oh, I get so frustrated too, just to let you know you are not alone. I just keep praying and thinking this too shall pass I think it helps to take a deep breath and simply ignore her behavior that sometimes works for me. I hope to read your responses and get some ideas myself email me if you want to talk ____@____.com I hope you find some good books on this and let me know what works. hang in there!

Make a list of all the things she values - like time with friends, phone time, parties, shopping, TV time, toys/possessions, etc... Calmly show her the list, read it to her, and tell her that each time she disrespects you, you will take one of these things away for a specific period of time (1 day, 1 week, whatever). Then make her do something to earn the privilege back (such as being nice or helpful, cleaning her room, etc...)

The trick is to re-frame the things she takes for granted as *special privileges* that can be taken away when she misbehaves. You also must stay calm, cool, and in control during these trying times. If you lose your temper, she will know you are NOT in control and continue to push you. In general, it will be more effective to assume an attitude of sadness rather than anger. Let her know that she has hurt and disappointed you. Try NOT to show your rage.

You might even try creating a chart where you give her points/stars/happy faces for GOOD behavior too. Then she can rack up points for rewards. It sounds complicated, but kids really respond to reward systems. And of course, this probably won't work overnight. Expect a temporary backlash. You'll have to be strong.

These methods have been effective for me - and I got them from the book "The Brat Stops Here" by Mary-Ellen Jacobsen. See: http://www.amazon.com/Brat-Stops-Here-Tantrums-Behavior/d...

Good luck!

PART of it is being 6 and testing her boundaries with you. First and foremost. They must learn they absolutely cannot treat you that way. It is totally unacceptable, and even God almightly laid down that law in the 10 commandments: Honor your father and mother. They are not to challenge parental authority like that. One question: Is she watching alot of cartoons or playing video games? Hawkeye carefully what is filling her brain. I am VERY picky about what I allow in that arena. Both of these created behavioral problems in my kids, so I created video vacation when they got mouthy and it works pretty good. It also raised their own awareness of how THEIR behavoir changes from too much VGs or bad cartoons. If that isn't it, I use the ole "consequences" thing. Bad behavior, they lose whatever they love the most: favorite toy, activity, playdate, recreation, outings, etc. They have to "correct" bad behavior, then earn it back with kind deeds to mom. It's worked for us. I have 3 noys, aged 9,7 and 6 so I have been challenged pretty good. The thing to remember is: Be consistent with your boundaries and consequences, or it will not work.

One other thing. Find out if she is being bullied at school. I had problems with my oldest acting out, and learned it was because the kid next to him at school was bullying him unmercifully, and he didn't know what to do, but was afraid to rat on this kid. Once I got the bully thing handled, the behavoir did a 180. I am a working single mom, and don't feel guilty about having to draw the line. You MUST!! Good Luck!! Oh, yea, and when she corrects her behavior, shower her with tenderness, tell her it's okay to make a mistake, we all do it, then reward her for teaching HERSELF how to change and improve her behavior!!

I think you are being too soft and she does have more control over you than you do on her. I have four kids, ages 16 down to 3, one girl and three boys. The girl has definitely been worst at sassing. The boys tried it a few times and their consequence was taking away t.v. or games. If you are hard enough, you only have to be hard a couple of times or so before they quit. I have swatted my kids a few times. They get a swat maybe once a year when they get bad and they know then that they REALLY crossed a line because it is so rare. I have also used hot sauce on one of them's tongue because I couldn't get him to quit sassing a couple of times. It only took twice and he quit. You are being way too easy on her. One good swat usually works. When you use something over and over, they get to where they don't care. Find something that does work. Get a little harder and be consistent. You won't have to do the hard thing very much at all before they don't want any more of that. Get it under control before she becomes a teen and it will get much, much worse. Make her apologize before she gets her priveleges back if you take those away. Taking away something she really values, or hot sauce worked best. I have taken away games they love for a week or a month because the boys loved games. The girl I took away t.v. or going places.

Hi S.,
Take away toys, one at a time, for each disrespectful act. If her behavior or communication doesn't improve by the end of the week, let her know her toys will go to Good Will. Then, DO IT!

If she's not into toys, find whatever she is into, or take away privileges. When the two of you aren't battling, sit with her and talk about right and wrong in the world, and the importance of respect, and how her behavior is not helping her turn into a person that people want to be around. Any eye rolling or sassing, then just walk away and take another toy, whatever, and say without anger that you'll try to talk with her later when she can show respect. Then try again. It might take 100 times, but don't give up, and stay consistent. Discipline means to teach, and that's what you're trying to do. Don't give up, we've all been there! You can do it!
Good luck,
Angie

Hi I am going to tell you to do somthing my mom did to me and it worked I was 8 when she did it but it has stuck with me. If she wants to act 16 treat her like she is 16...meaning give her chores and a payoff deal and everytime she acts out take away somthing in her bedroom till there is nothing left but a mattress and a dresser full or 2nd hand items to wear....tell her that I am YOUR MOTHER not the other way around and you will listen to what I say or you will no longer have all the nice things i give you. Believe me she will get the point. My mom ding this was brought on by me thinking I was 18 and I will do whatever I want so I told her I HATE HER and that I dont need her. And I want to school and came home to nothing in my room but a mattress on the foor and a dresser full of thrift store things to wear and she told me that by law she only had to put a roof over my head and give me somthing to wear and feed me. An that everyhting else that she dose is because she loved me. And if I want my things back I will have to earn them and applogise for what I said and did.....hope this helps.