Disciplining/Dealing With 12 Month Old

I know it is hard to do but try to be patient, he doesn't really understand why he can do things. I agree being consistent and repetitive they will eventually get it. Distraction also works well... "let's play with this toy instead, that's not safe." Also, moving as much stuff as possible out of reach.

My sister told me (she has 2 kids) that "hands are for loving" and she ended up using a time-out chair, which worked really well for her daughter, starting at about 2. At 1 year, I think DIVERSION is your answer. Divert his attention to something else, that he CAN play with, start building blocks and have him come and push them down. Or? Also, give him a "yes" whenever you give him a "no." "This drawer is not for ____insert his name_____, but this drawer is, let's put your toys in there." Good luck! Mine is 15 months...I empathize! :)

He is obviously upset becuase you are "popping" him. You mean hitting him. No matter how frustrated you are, this is no way to be treating your child at any age, especially 12 mos. old. If you really want him to be confused, insecure, & untrusting.. this is a great technique. If you want to treat him with respect & teach him, ehich I assume is your intention, please use other non-violent methods of discipline. Some good places to start would be " Unconditional partenting" & the doctor Sears book on discipline. Please, I may sound harsh, but I know you want what is best for him... thanks-

L.,

Last year I wrote an article on discipline for very young children (10+ months and older). I'm happy to send the whole thing via email if anyone requests it; just send me a message.

I think it is first very important to note that young children do not truly "understand" the word "no". What they do understand is that we use this relatively meaningless word with disapproval and anger, and often repeat it. But this is extremely confusing for children, mainly because we forget that "no" is not a positive instruction or direction, but just a word. When we say it in a big, loud voice, it can even feel like a game for children, almost as if we were saying "BOO!". This is why parents are regularly frustrated when their child won't listen to "no".

Here are some things that you can do:

Give a clear, one or two word positive direction. By this, I mean phrases like "Drop it", "Stop", "Sit down", "Let go", etc. This will help acquaint your boy with these words, but don't expect him to learn them overnight. Children need to hear words hundreds of times before they sink in.

The next step is to gently physically assist your son. If you have told your son "Get down", and he hasn't gotten down, go over and help him down, repeating the phrase a few times. (bear in mind, too, that in regard to climbing, some children actually can't get down and need our help). This is useful in reinforcing many directions.

If your child is holding something sharp or dangerous, do not pull it from their hand, but instead pinch the skin on the back of their hand just enough so they drop the item. This is important, esp if they are holding something sharp or dangerous, so that they can't tighten their grip.

Young children have very little self regulation or impulse control. I know a lot of parents feel that children should "just learn" what they may or may not touch/play with. However, my experience has been that parenting is phenomenally easier when we create safe places for our children to play by childproofing, putting "no no's" out of reach, and keeping children close by. Using gates and doors to their best advantage, adjusting furniture, etc have really made my life much less stressful, and the children enjoy themselves more because they are not constantly being corrected.

It is scientifically proven that very young children do not have the brain development to multitask. This is why you cannot get your son's attention. This isn't about him "not listening" as much as it is that he is thoroughly absorbed in whatever he's doing. Keeping that in mind helps us lower our expectations. 12 months old is still a baby, mentally. :) Try to join him where he is. "I see you like to hold the snowglobe--it's so pretty. Here, you help mama put it on the shelf" is a gentle but direct way of getting his attention by showing that you see what he's engaged in, and then correcting the situation to your satifaction. If he's sad, then you can try some empathy and redirection:"I see you are so sad. You really want to hold it. Let's look over here...oh, here's your ball. I like to roll the ball to you." Often, young children are pretty distractable if we acknowledge their feelings and help them become interested in something that is appropriate for them.

I strongly disagree with those who would suggest that pain is a great teacher, because while children do understand pain, they do not understand why they are being hurt. This use of pain as a teaching tool dreadfully undermines our children having healthy, loving relationships with us, and slowly destroys their trust in us. When we teach them that those who love them hurt them "for their own good", we set our children up to enter abusive relationships. We are the adults. No matter what our children's demeanor, there is nothing that justifies us not finding loving ways to parent.

I want to add one more thing: you mention you are having some hard times. Please, please take some time to take care of yourself. If you can find a loving friend who will come over and play with your son while you soak in the tub for an hour, do it. We moms really need time to refuel our own gas tanks, so to speak. It sounds like things are very stressful for you right now, and this is an awful time of year to be feeling that stress. Please reach out to your friends, family, church (if you go to one) or others in your community. I am having to learn how to ask for help, and it's hard, but I'm discovering that people are wanting to help. Pleae be loving and gentle to yourself, and thanks for asking your question. It's so great to want to change things for the better.

My very, very best to you.
H.

The stress of being unemployed with a child is a LOT to bear. I would suggest doing fun things with your son that take the pressure off of what he shouldn't do and put it on what you can do together that helps you de-stress and helps you keep your relationship on a positive note.

Also, find fun things for him to do that keep him out of mischief. A daycare center's trick is to "redirect" the child, so they don't get into trouble. Also, little tykes go into mischief mode when they don't get enough attention. I noticed with my son, when I would give him more attention, miraculously the bad behaviour would be radically reduced.

Also, there are playpens, babygates, things plug protectors, and cabinet lockout mechanisms so you can stop being the policeman all the time. Children by their very nature are curious, so they will explore EVERYTHING! So make sure with the proper equipment that they can do so safely. Then find new safe things to do when they get distracted by the unsafe.

The best way is to make one room in your house where it is totally child proof. Not only safety wise, but everything in his reach is okay for him to play with. He is exploring, and that is how he learns. His compulsion to learn and discover is so strong that he can't help himself. Once you have a "safe" room, make that the room you spend most of your day in. Still teach him while you are in the other rooms what is okay and what is not okay, but he needs a significant amount of time in a day where it is okay to be a toddler. When you say no 100 times a day, he just tunes you out. If you are only saying no 10 times a day, he'll listen and try to remember. Also, instead of just telling him no, try saying "You may not pull all the books out of the bookshelf, lets go stack blocks." Redirecting him to something and engaging him in that will make him forget how fun it was to pull the books out.

Go to your library and rent the book or video tapes by Drs.Foster Cline and Jim Faye. "Love & Logic ~for the Early Years" has tips on how to discipline your child. I know how easy it is to become frustrated when you have a lot of stress. These little stories will stick with you at times like this. You will be amazed at how well the techniques work and how quickly he will start behaving well.

I have 3 pieces of advice for you: Redirect, redirect, and redirect. Always have items on hand that are ok for him to play with, and when he starts getting into a no-no, give him one of these while gently unengaging him from the no-no. This worked wonders with my son, and we almost never had to say "no" or use physical force.

I commend you for realizing this is not the way you want to raise your son, and reaching out for help. This is one of the things that defines a good mom, in my opinion.

I'm sorry to hear about your job and hard times. I hope you have friends and family you can rely on right now.

Time to babyproof! lock up the cupboards, drawers etc.. that you don't want him getting into, AND be sure to leave one or two that he is allowed in. I actually never even locked mine up, I just made sure to redirect my son to HIS cupboard/drawer (tupperware, lids, plastic cups etc...) It can still be frustrating to have things all over the floor all of the time, but it is an important developmental stage for them. They are exploring and it is important that they have a safe place to do that. Be consistent about redirecting and hopefully he'll play with "his" stuff.

Hi Hi,
I am a disabled wheelchair bound mom and altho my son's are all grown men now, I went on the belief that if it is out of their reach it is out of my reach as well. I didnt put things "up high" or remove them completely from display. My husband was in the service and I didn't have help when he wasn't home or any family around as my brother and sisters were either to young or in the military them selves and my mom didn't live in the same state and my dad worked all day. One thing I NEVER did was use the word "NO" EVER! I would say "Don't touch" or didn't mommy just tell you she didn't want you to touch that" Or my big one was even as little as your son and younger. "Don't touch mommy's pretties" I would then ask him if he wanted to see it I would help him hold what ever it was in his hand and talk about how pretty it is and then put it down and say ok now we need to put mommy's pretty back and mommy doesn't want you to touch it because it might break and it would make mommy very sad. as for anything that was dangerous, I would explain why they couldnt touch it and "IF" they continued to try I would take them away and say Mommy said don't touch! that culd give you an owie, do you want an owie!? I DID let them pull out my pots and wooden spoons and bang away! Sure no one wants to wash the pots again but they cant hurt them and keeps them amuzed for hours if you can handle the noise. If you are at home. read stories or play a game or play music and sing and dance with them or bang the pots with him. All it is is an attention thing...so give it to him and he wont drive you nuts lol. the telephone and TV and cleaning can wait til nap time. And always say something other than NO. Good luck :-)

At that age using constant NO won't get you anywhere. Instead of that try using the distraction method (Instead of ... let's go and build up some blocks or see if there is a red car on the street) and just remove him from the situation. And instead of telling him what NOT to do, tell him what he can do and show him how to do it. Example: "We don't play with the milk, we drink the milk.", "We don't pull the kitty tail, we pet the kitty." and etc. Let me know if you need more ideas. It is a hard times for everybody, don't let that affect your son. If you feel overwhelmed may be you should learn how to take times out for your-self. I do step out on the porch and do 10 deep breaths. Find your way to deal with the stress. Good luck!

Sometimes life just stinks --- the more stressed you are over the ''' little''' ( yes I'm being sarcastic) matter of losing your job ( which means losing the friendship and pattern of your co-workers and your money issues) - the harder it is to deal with a curious busy little guy. It becomes a visious circle - I know - been there- did that - EVERY parent has had times like that--- guaranteed ( they dont call me 'old mom' for nothing- been raising children since 1971 - it's wonderful- it's exhaousting). Here are some ideas to do instead of 'popping' his hand.
1. Say in a big, loud voice ''' uh - oh-- I see a time out'' - and then put him on a low chair - or on a carpet square - or on a step - just one particular place in each room that is an ''' uh - oh - time out'' spot -- at this age- you will have to hold him there - not looking at him, not talking to him- just holding him there for a half minute to a minute. That's an eternity for him. That is tiring and boring for you- but it WILL work. When people say ''' oh, time- out doesn't work for me ''' what they mean ( in my opinion ) is --- '' I didn't do the work of it - and so nothing happened'' - just my opinion- .
2. Or, put him ''over the gate'' if you can put a baby gate in the doorway of the room you are in --- ( just for 30 seconds - ) - and keep on doing it --- that's the key- you have to be persistant.
3. Or - Move furniture so that he can't even see what it is he wants-
4. or best of all--- set up a drawer, or box, or bag with things LIKE what he wants that he CAN have - and every time he reaches for the forbidden things- put the bag or box - in front of him --- and from time to time- put new stuff in the drawer, or bag ---

You can do it dear heart

Blessings, J. ( aka - Old Mom)

Wow, what great advice everyone has given. The only thing I have to add is to take a few minutes and sit with your child with the item he is so interested in and with your guidance let him explore it. Explain what it is, what it does, let him touch it and explore it, then tell him why he can't touch it without you. I know this all sounds like it takes alot of time and may be wasted on a 1 year old, but they are absorbing information like little sponges right now and it is what he is wired to do. You'll be amazed at what he retains. Also, if there are items that could be dangerous to him or precious to you. Remove those items from sight now and put them away for enjoying them later. Good luck and hang in there. It all really does go by way too fast and the frustration today for how much energy he zapps from you will change to wishing you had those days back later. So, take a deep breath and enjoy it NOW.

Oh L., I so understand where you are. My daughter is 14 months now and I could swear it's like on her first birthday someone flipped a switch and turned her from my sweet baby into a little toddler-monster.
I have raised my voice a lot more than I would like to lately and now really consciously try to take a step back and remember that she is just testing her boundaries, and it is nothing I should get upset about.
The most important thing is not about your toddler, it is about you. When you feel the frustration coming up, count to 5 and take a deep breath before you react (unless the situation warrants immediate action).
I have also started kidproofing our house even more than before, removing almost everything that she should not get into.
For some things like our TV, DVD player, cable box and such, that we cannot remove too far, consistent NO and redirecting has done the trick, after a few weeks she has become less and less interested in those things.
I usually try to give her some alternative that she can get into, for example if I don't want her to raid the pantry cabinet, I show her where the pots are, which I don't mind if she plays with those.

We learn by repetition, so just be the broken record, remind yourself to be gentle and patient and it will let up.... eventually.

You may be getting tired and overwhelmed. And maybe you have ideas of how well a toddler should behave, or how much or what a mom has to in order to be a "good" mom. I say take it easier on yourself and let things go a little. Taking time to indulge yourself is not only good, it is essential (and you are also modeling for your children how they can take care of themselves and not go insane in the future too.) If you can get more help, get it any way you can. You need the breaks as much as your child needs the caretaking.

You can't spoil a child before the age of 18 months because they don't have the mental capacity to understand themselves as separate people. My rule of thumb is that if it isn't "illegal, immoral or life threatening", I let my son explore. Almost always, he will explore for 5 minutes or so and then never be interested in it much again. Opening a packet of noodles to play with? Okay! Playing with household items that are not dangerous? Go for it! Spilling uncooked rice or beans all over the table, playing with water and food? These are cheap forms of entertainment and cleaning up after them is much easier (and more beneficial to them) than dealing with a tantrum. Once they get it out of their system you don't have to worry about them going back to it as often. Also, it enriches their development and encourages their confidence in the world. Of course, babyproofing is essential to both of your guy's sanity!

If you want to guarantee your child will do something, put the word "No" or "Don't" in front of it. In other words, if you say "No, Don't touch that", toddler hears "Touch that!" Say, "*YES*, that is very (interesting, bright, colorful, exciting, etc.) isn't it? Let's go try this other thing." Or, "let's keep it on the floor", "let's only touch this part of it", "be gentle", "this is for looking only", and "this is (dangerous, fragile, expensive, for adults only), let's stay away from it", etc. All commands which don't use a negative.

If you yank an object away from a child, they will learn to do the same with you and their peers (hence the reason why most parents have a hard time teaching their children to "share" toys on the playground!). Instead, try to distract them ("look at that cat outside!") or give them another object to play with, and then get it away from them while they are not noticing. Extra effort in the short run -- way easier parenting in the long run.

Harvey Karp's "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" is a good book, as well as William Sears' "The Successful Child". Good luck!

L.,

I understand about the frustration level part. My 17 mo. old has always been a very curious and active boy. I was raised in a very angry and abusive home and I don't want to give that to my children. I find that I have to give myself some "me" time everyday...even just 10 minutes so that I can retain my sanity. With two little ones under 2 this can be a challenge. But just grab a cup of tea and your favorite book and sit down for the first 10 minutes of nap time. When finances, family and other stress press in...your toddler can feel like just one more stressor, instead of the joy that this age can bring. I don't want to miss the wonder and fascination with the world that I see in my sons eyes, because I am too stressed out to stop and see the world from his point of view.

I second the move things around. When my son turned 1 (he is now 17 months), he wanted to climb on the back of our big couch to see out the window. It was not safe, as there was a gap there he could fall in. I spent weeks "fighting" with him in frustration to stop. He is a very persistent child and I was losing my mind. Finally in frustration one day I moved all the furniture around in the living room. Although the living room furniture is not set up the way I would normally have it, for the time being it completely eliminated the struggle. he can now stand and look out the big bay window and he loves it.

At that point I sat down and made a list of our struggles and what I could do to change the environment so as not to feel so frustrated. Make your life simplified and easier!

L., get down to his level by bending down on your knees, make him look you in the face to get his full attention (this is very important). he may not look at you the whole time at first and that is ok, but you have to find a better way to get his attention, otherwise he WILL START HITTING YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE TO GET THEIR ATTENTION!!!! if you have to, put a rubber band around your wrist and if you feel the need to pop his hand because of frustration then snap the rubberband on your wrist to remind you. take a few breaths and come down to his level and talk to him in a normal but firm voice. as far as always saying no, try things like "we do not do that" and re-direct him. good luck. this is totally normal! :)

I find distraction to be the best tool at this age. You can show your son something else to occupy him, and he might stop playing with the off limits stuff. Other toys, or even just some attention from you will work. Sometimes i switch which room i'm in.

Another thing that works for me is to say 'You can move away from the dog's bowl, or i will move you away' (and then follow through). If it keeps happening 'If you do that again you will have a time out in your crib', followed by a short time out if it happens again. If the problem is standing on the couch, even moving the child into a different part of the room may work.

FWIW, i'm a big fan of time outs - i use them just for calming devices, but also to remove my attention (positive reinforcement) for bad behavior. But, i also believe they can be invaluable for the parent. It is okay to say 'I am feeling really angry right now, and i need a break, so you will have a time out in your crib.'. Even one minute of your child in your crib and you in the other room can help you keep your cool.

Frustration levels are high at your house right now. So take a deep breath and breathe. Now, with that said, a 12 month old doesn't reason, doesn't have the intutitive knowledge or experiences yet to do so. A pop on the hand or on the well padded and diapered bottom is not inappropriate, especially when he's in harm's way. No means no, and there have to be consequences that he can understand. I'm willing to bet that your mom popped your hands when you got to close to the fire/stove/fireplace or threw a toy or other object for the 6th time after breaking things the first 5 times. Time outs for a 1 yr old are very short and not very effective. Use common sense.

Well first off - Welcome to Toddlerhood! It seems that "No" becomes a parents mantra when our children hit the age of 1. Have you tried redirecting his attention or distracting him with toys? For somethings, like the TV remote, toy companies have made toddler versions of these. Maybe getting him his "own" will make yours less tempting.

Instead of just "no" say "this is not yours." OR "this is not for you." or " this can hurt you"
Give him something more to work with then just "no". And physically move him. You don't have to "punish" him. Just keep moving him away and **eventually** he will get it. Don't be discouraged. THey understand but he will test you. He knows mom gets tired of stopping him.

L.,

I totally understand the way you are feeling! My son is just 15 months old and we have been through the same situation. The only advice I can give you is that if you feel that bad popping him on the hand and saying 'no' constantly, then don't do it. Maybe you can try re-directing instead. That's what I did with my son. Take him away from whatever he's getting into that you don't want him into, but also give him a toy or something that is OK for him to have.

Even with re-directing your child he will still, more than likely, get into things you don't want him to. I know it's hard to stay patient, but try to keep in mind that he's only 1 year old. He is learning every day, but his attention span isn't very long. So, no matter how you deal with this situation you will probably have to repeat yourself and your actions frequently. Just know that "This too, shall pass."

Hang in there!

~R.

All the advice given thus far is AWESOME! Just a couple hopefully helpful things to add.

First, we saved time-out for immediate repeat "offenses," things where we had told him 2 minutes before to leave it alone and he went right back to it, when redirecting didn't work. When my son was in time-out, he had to do something productive. So, for example, when he was 1 he couldn't come out of time-out until he counted to 10, and I would alternate between English and Spanish. Result, it calmed him down by counting and taught him his numbers in different languages. As he got older, we added how high he had to count; so at 3 he had to count to 30. Sometimes it took longer for him to calm down, but he learned that he wasn't done with time-out until he said his numbers. He's 4.5 now, and we rarely need time-out anymore; we've moved up to taking away privileges/toys, which littler ones don't understand. The key w/ time-out is for you to stay calm. If you get upset, it feeds their upset, and it takes longer to get them calmed down from a tantrum.

Secondly, it sounds as if you don't have much support network to get some of the "me" time. I had that problem, too, having moved to Tacoma from Nevada just shortly before becoming pregnant w/ my son. Get involved in a Mommy-&-Me group or a church group or something where you can switch off with at least one other mom watching their child while they go do something, or stay home and take a bath, and then they'll do it for you.

I'm expecting my second on Easter, so I'll be right behind you in about a year. You'll make it. Big hug.

L.,

I'm sorry to hear you are having a difficult time.

I'd suggest you minimize stress by eliminating access to dangerous things (or things you don't want him to play with) and redirecting his attention with things he can play with.

Find ways to create an environment where times with your son are are source of joy and not further times of stress. It sounds like you need the extra love right now.

take care

With all you have going on your attention is elsewhere. I think Ziadyn is trying to get your attention. Children will
take any kind of attention, even negative.
Try distracting him away from the source of the problem and sit with him for a bit, usually the short attention span works in your favor.
New grandma and mom of 27 years.

Hi L.,

Hang in there. Take a deep breath and relax. What I did with my second is remove anything (and I mean anything) that he could easily reach and just let him go and explore. I'd use redirection when I needed, kept reinforcing gentle clean up rituals, and let him play -alot- in the bubbles in the sink, the pots and pans, the storage containers, the kids books on the shelves, etc. If you let him explore as much as possible, I do believe that the period of time that you end up feeling like you are going to pull your hair out because of the mess and stress of dealing with this really cute but slightly dangerous exploration stage will be less than if you are restrictive. The only thing that got an instant and shocked NO and immediately removing him from the scene is when he was mean to the cats and dog. He's 28 months now and I can -almost- trust him with the cats and the dog. Plus he is confident and not so interested in simply making a mess. I have found that putting a little flour with some beans or dry noodles and some measuring cups on the kitchen counter while you are cooking is a little bit of heaven for most toddlers. Later when they get the idea between what should and shouldn't be eaten, homemade playdough is a great wonder to them too.

PS: I'm with you on the job situation. Since August, I've been searching for work. Haven't found anything yet. If you don't know about it yet, freecycle.org is a great way to get things you may need. It also helps you de-clutter also.

Good luck. I'll be sending positive vibes.

Hi L.,
I know it's easy to take your frustration out on your little one but please be patient. Put all of the dangerous/tempting objects away. My son is frequently in the kitchen with me, so I've installed child-proof locks on all of the lower kitchen cabinets (you can buy them at Target or Walmart) except one. The one that's open is filled with tupper wear, cups, plastic spoons, etc. It satisfies his need to explore & keeps him busy while I cook. Please don't hit your son's hands since they are his primary exploration tool. Remember you are his primary caregiver, the person he loves & trusts the most. He needs to feel secure, safe & loved when he is with you. It looks like you've received many wonderful suggestions already so I am not going to re-list them here. Hang in there!

First of all, I would try to minimize what he can get into. I have two boys and always found that distracting them with a toy or something else worked well. They are very curious at that age and need to learn boundaries, but try to gently steer him in another direction! I hope this helps and good luck. S.

I know being a single mom is difficult, particularly an unemployed single mom. I am too, but with a few years on you. The main thing for you to keep in mind, is that developmentally right now, his main job is to explore. At this age they really don't understand yet and he's not deliberately disobeying you. Childproof as much as possible, make a drawer that's his that he can get into, redirect when he's getting into something that he shouldn't be, and just try to remember that this will pass! All too quickly unfortunately! If you always say no, as he gets older he'll tune it out -save that for when it really matters. Try saying please don't. It might sound funny but say it firmly (not harshly) and consistently. Or, we don't ... etc. And don't expect him to stop on his own, you'll then need to move him, redirect his attention with an object he can have, etc.. The main thing I would like to say to you is that even though obviously there are lots of things you can't let him do for a variety of reasons, he most likely just has a healthy curiousity and desire to explore his world. So good job mom!