Discussing Death with Toddler

You received some great feedback.

I'll just add that children really do understand the concept of death. I did a research project in graduate school and interviewed children ages 3-6, teens and adults. Every single child came up with some explanation of death. Most related it to a pet or plant. But all of them understood it -- at some level.

Honesty is the most important thing in whatever explanation you choose.

Do you believe that there is another level of existence? If so, I would say something to the effect that Grandma has "transitioned" and allthough we can't see her anymore she is happy and we will see her someday. If you don't believe in anything at all, I would simply say that she died and we can't see her anymore.

My family is also not religious. When my hubby's Grandma comes up in conversation we say that her body isn't here anymore but she still lives with all of us in our hearts and the memories of those who knew her. Kind of simplistic, but my 3 and 5 year olds seem to accept it and understand it.

I agree with you on not wanting to just explain it away with "heaven". Whether you're religious or not, heaven means something different to everyone. Maybe try explaining that when someone passes away they become part of "the circle of life", that death is a very natural thing and that it is not something to be scared of, but to remember that Grandma is now a part of each of your hearts as well as the natural world around you. Just a thought. Good luck, that's hard!

In my household, the subject also came up early, because my husband's father passed away when he was a child, and our beloved cat died when my daughter was 3. We are a Christian family, but in addition to the tools available to me through our faith, I found the animated movie Charlotte's Web a good, non-scary gateway into discussing mortality. Also, there is a book, Caillou Discovers that he is Getting Older, that talks about the fact that we all age and eventually die in a way that is helpful and appropriate for preschoolers.

I agree with the fact that all people live on in our hearts after they have died. and I would explain that to her and share some memories and stories of the grandma's life so that your daughter can connect to her and know of the people she comes from, to understand her grandma and who she was. a friend of mine celbrates the birthday of thier grandparents with her kids and they share stories about the grandparent that day and look at pictures etc. to make them alive in the hearts of the family.
as for the rest of the explanation, I don't know--go with what feels comfortable to you. I let my 3 year old lead the discussion when my uncle passed and she went to the funeral with me. it was hard to let her see the body in the casket but I felt it was important as well. she asked why everyone was crying and I explained that my uncle the man in the casket was dead so he wasn't here anymore and it made people sad because they loved him and missed him. I didn't tell her he had died from cancer. in the hall ways a few minutes later she put her little hand on my dad's shoulder as he was crying and said, its okay grandpa he doesn't hurt anymore. it was so sweet.
at this young age I try to give enough information that my daughter is informed but not too much that it goes beyond the skope of what she can understand. trust your instincts. have you had any pets that have died? or squished a spider together and had your daughter have that recognition of what death is in any way? look for opportunities that she can learn what it is and formulate her own opinions and belief system as to what death means when she is ready. usually the quick answer is not the one that teaches our kids to think for themselves and to open their minds to explore all the possibilities out there. (I'm a very philisophical person lol...but I believe so strongly in individualism and learning to become your own person) I do have a religious background, but still feel that "in Heaven" is not the right answer. what is heaven? where is it? all those questions...what does it mean to me vs. another person. the Lion King is a great example of the circle of life how we all return to the earth and become life again--but the details of that get kind of morbid if you think about it esp. for a 3 year old! trust yourself to know the answer to give your child. I think it is awesome you are asking what others have done, how they respond and that you have opened the door for this discussion. I have a feeling that you will have the best answer for her and that it will work out to your own personal philisophical beliefs.

My boys were able to watch my Grandpa's progression from walker to wheelchair to bedridden. It was from afar since we lived cross-country, but they understood that he was getting weaker & how he had to progress. They were able to say goodbye to him w/o fear even though he was totally bedridden in a hospital bed (at home) w/oxygen tubing. They were 6 & 3 I think at the time. When he did die (it was a 2 year process), we explained how Mommy was so sad that Great-Grandpa-in-the-bed had died. They were sad with & for me. Hubby isn't religious but I'm Catholic. We just explained that he went to heaven because his body was too tired to work anymore. That covered it for them. We've got a picture of each of them saying goodbye-tubing & all-that we pull out now & then, and a picture of him & Great-Grandma on the wall from when he was healthier. There's a book that I like called "Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs" about a kid whose Grandmas live with him-one upstairs, one down. One of the grandmas die & they're all sad, but he's still got the other Grandma around.

Hi J.,
Where do YOU think she is? I think that when you figure that out for yourself it might be easier to explain to your daughter.
Peace, T.

When my husband's grandmother died, we told our three-year-old that her heart was too old and sick to keep working, and so she died. We talked about how that made us feel but that it was also a part of life. He actually was okay with that explanation.

J.

My (VERY HIPPY) uncle passed away when our DD was 3yo. Tho we don't live close to family, we had actually seen him within a couple weeks of his (unexpected) passing and my other uncle just suddenly passed away earlier this summer(DD's 5 now) so we have had to tackle this very subject.

I grew up in a house that wasn't religious (almost anti), and my husband went to church every Sunday until he was a (rebelious) teen, but he and I have always felt and describe ourselves as 'spiritual' if not affiliated with any specific defined/established religion.

Well before we were parents my husband and I witnessed a Balinese Hindu cremation ceremony and were really blown away by their take on death. Truly a more happy occassion since THIS life of suffering was over and the next turn on the karmic wheel was about to begin for the deceased. Death is really the ONLY certainty to life and attitude is everything. My name really is K. and that's our perspective on death.

So we talked about how now our Uncles are even closer because they are part of our hearts and with us always (not living a 1000 miles away). That they are part of the stars and watching over us, spirits free. They are done with their life of suffering and that we are really sad for ourselves because we miss them. But THEY wouldn't want us to be sad, we should think about them in happy ways or when we are doing something that they would enjoy to make sure to "bring them with" by making sure to think of them during the activity etc.

Since our DD did know these uncles (tho only actually met them a handful of times) some of the suggestions may not be applicable since mostly it was to explain why WE were so sad and crying WHEN they passed, but in your case the mourning is well over. Anyway, I hope that you may be able to take some of the non-religious or less religious twists.

kindly,
K.

I think you've got a few good ideas already, but I thought I'd give you a few book resources that my kids have found comforting. (We too are not religious and struggled with what to tell our kids without the "Heaven crutch"!) "The Fall of Freddy the Leaf" by Leo Buscaglia, and "I'll Always Love You" by Hans Wilhelm. You can read their reviews online and see if they are right for you. Hope they help! Once she's at peace with the death thing, look at lots of pictures, watch home movies, and tell lots of stories!!!

There are lots of ways to adapt spirituality in a non-secular way, without getting totally religious. Get to the library!
We've told our daughter that the dead person/animal has passed back into the void, rejoined the universe from where we all came originally.
This is something I have discovered is profoundly important, while I won't pretend to adopt a religion, I definitely want to be able to respond to my daughter's spiritual questions. As she's started to ask these kinds of questions, it's become more important to me that we have a spiritual basis for our little family.
Good job mommin' J.!

It think you should just tell her what you believe, "I believe that grandam is...." if you stay sure and positive she should accept your answer. If not then eventually she will come up with her own. You could even ask her "Where do you think we go after we die?" It might be insightful to see what she thinks and what she understands.
good luck
E.

Have you looked for any children's books on the subject. I know I've seen them in the past but couldn't tell you any specifically. You need to figure out first what you believe in such as an afterlife or Heaven. I am religious (LDS) and would go about talking about life after death in a very religious way in fact we talk about it all the time with our children in the sense of why we are here on earth and what is our purpose in the life after this one. If you are interested in learning more you can look on www.lds.org and do a search or contact the missionaries.

But one thing that might be appropriate in your situation if you don't want to get into religion is the fact that the memory of Grandma lives on in our hearts and she is a part of our past and helped make us who we are by her influence in our lives.

Good Luck but I would just be straight forward in what you tell your daughter, share the memories and the love that Grandma had in life.

We tell my daughter that the person that died has gone away from this world. When she asks where they went, i just tell her I don't know. I also tell her that we miss the person who has died, and that is why we are sad. We explain that dying is a very specific kind of going away that means they are not coming back.

Yes, it is simple, but then our daughter is only two. We are also not religious, so we don't want to bring that into the discussion. I also believe in honesty, so I'm telling her the truth in that I don't know where people go when they die.

Good luck. Sometimes the simple questions are the hardest to answer.

Using nature is a beautiful way of explaining life and death. You can explain to your little one that things grow and then they die. Such as flowers bloom in the summer and then they die in the winter. Memories are best when they are happy ones. Gradma Marsha will always be in your hearts and minds so let her know that too. Also, remember explaining death is difficult no matter what age. Just a thought too even if you are not religious the idea of going to 'paradise' after you die might work for you and your little one to help her understand where grandma has gone.
Take care, M.

My grandmother just passed away and we told my daughter that she is in heaven. I realize that this may not be the way you want to go since you are not religious, but the one thing that I found really helpful is a book that I made about my grandma. It details her life from birth to death and they can see that she was a baby, a little girl, a mommy and then a grandma. When she passed away we just told them that sometimes when you are really really old and really really sick you can't wake up anymore. I really stressed the old part since I don't want her to worry about going to sleep and not waking up, and she hasn't.
I feel like the book I made her really helps her to see her great grandma still and treasure her memory even though she is no longer with us.
I actually made the book through Heritage Makers which is an online publishing company that helps people write their stories and put pictures with them. I do this for my home business and if you are interested I am happy to help you get your precious memories in a book for your child. My website is www.storybooktogether.com
I hope this helps

There is a reality show that I have seen a couple of times called 18 and counting. For the record, these people are either totally crazy or totally amazing because they have 18 of their own children and one on the way with no end in sight. They are a very religious family however, their explanation of death made a lot of sense to me and was non-religious.

Basically the grandfather was dying and on top of all the kids, they chose to move him into the house with them so they all could take turns caring for him. This man was obviously suffering and it was very sad to watch him so uncomfortable. When the producers asked the mother how she felt about her children being exposed to such a "heavy issue" and having to watch their grandfather she said "This is the circle of life and we all have to deal with it sometime whether we are a small child or an adult. I feel so happy that my children and I have the opportunity to have him in our lives when he was healthy and unhealthy and we are thankful that we can be there in his last days. When he passes, we have no regrets, we had a beautiful person in our lives and he will be greatly missed."

Now this doesn't explain to your daughter where people go when they die, that certainly is a hard one without religion in the picture, but it does teach her how to celebrate life. Maybe given your circumstances focus on what that person brought to you and where they are now.