Disipline/ Time Out for Almost 3 Year Old

My son sees a behavioral therapist and she has given me her thoughts on time outs. Time outs are more to interrupt the behavior than something to actually teach them something. She also does not believe in the minute per year rule, which I agree with. Mine is 6 and sitting there for 6 minutes is way too long. So, my point is that with a time out there has to be additional teaching/explaining. The time out will only interrupt the behavior, not take it away.

I have never used time outs - they seem punitive to me and logically make no sense. If I had to sit in time out - I would sit and stew, not calmly reconsider the error of my ways. She hits because she doesn't have better tools right now to get what she wants. She will stop hitting when you give her better tools - words, negotiating skills and better skills for dealing with frustration. What we did at that age DS hit was tell him 'no hitting' , then reflect what we thought he was experiencing 'you are mad/sad/frustrated that X happened/didn't happen'. The we tried to give him better ways to get out his anger - he could walk away for a minute, he could count to 10 (we counted with him) or he could stomp his feet 5 times. Some parents encourage hitting a pillow or other acceptable outlet. When he was calm we then walked through how to get what he wanted. For example - practiced asking for something with a please, etc. Sorry - there is nothing I can tell you that will make having a toddler not draining - it just is. Of course you already know it has some HUGE upsides.

I am not a proponent of "time out" for children of any age. I agree with the mama who says it is not a solution it is simply a distraction from the behavior. Why not use that time to take advantage of the learning situation that has presented itself?
I can still remember, as a first time "mom" to my step son , trying to make him take a "time out"...he was about 6 and had done something ( I can't even remember what now) that infuriated me and I was CONVINCED that he was going to sit in a kitchen chair for 6 minutes and "learn his lesson"...I can still remember how truly foolish I felt as I kept putting him back in that chair as he slid out of it onto the floor. I am sure that he didn't learn a lesson from that episode but I did!! I I learned that I would never try to institute "time out" in our house again!
Instead of "time out"...my suggestion is to talk with your daughter about how it makes you and your husband feel ( or friends or whomever) when she hits them. Acknowledge her feelings...she is upset or angry...and help her find other more positive and socially acceptable ways to deal with it. You don't just want to correct the current situation but you want to teach her how to avoid that behavior in the future, arm her with the skills that she needs to take with her into adulthood.

My 2 1/2 yr old responds well to the 5 minute rest in his room. Now this is for getting a grip when he is tired or over stimulated. It helps him get a hold of himself with some dignity. Now for really naughty actions like hitting, I do like the time out for one minute per their age. It does help. Check out Jo Frost's book Supernanny- how to get the best out of your children. It has some great ideas. Using the book I've been able to de-whine my son within a week after bringing home his new little brother. Supernanny is the best!

My guy will be 3 in April, and he's a tough kid as well. We do 2 minutes as he's still 2, and he can sit or stand in time out, he can't play with anything while in time out or leave until we say time is up. We then have a talk about the behavior and that if he does the same thing again he loses a privilege, to make the discipline more than the time out. I've also found it's good for him to be able to see that he is missing out on something by being in time out, like playing or watching a DVD, something that seems to motivate him not to repeat the behavior.

Be consistent so she knows what to expect, hugs!

Three is getting too old for this, and time outs are extremely ineffective for certain offenses. The Book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson is great for this age and explains when time outs will and won't work, and what to do when they don't. I have a 5, 4 and 2 1/2 year-old and with this method I do not have this type of behavior happening-even with my third who redefined the terms spirited and difficult. It works!

Time out does not work well in kids this age that do not have any issues to begin with. It is not age appropriate, they don't have the network in their brains yet to apply cause and effect. They will get it eventually but there are lots of other things to do instead. You need to redirect and physically remove her from harmful situations.

We do time out in my lap when he cannot get control of himself and is being aggressive to others or furniture.

With him facing away from me on my left knee, my left hand is reaching around his tummy and holding his right hand. His left hand is free unless he is hitting then I take both of them into my left hand by placing my hand over both wrists.

I have my right hand between his back and my face. I have broken teeth so I am very cautious about this particular placing of my hand. I can also rub his back and shoulders to help calm him down and he gets information about his environment from pressure on his skin. It calms him and allows him to be more focused and centered.

I often forget to remove shoes so I end up having black and blue shins. I suggest removing shoes before they scooped up into your lap. Especially if they have on cowboy boots, OUCH!!!!!

I talk calmly to him, almost a whisper in his ear area. Again, I protect my face at all costs so this is done with my hand in the midst of it all. I say things like take a deep breath, blow out the mad, relax your shoulders, roll the muscles in your back, etc...it helps if you have some basic knowledge about relaxation techniques. I was going towards that field but ended up in Special Needs instead.

Some things that can work for her that will be trial and error. Sensory kids need to do something to help them calm down. There is a lot of information out there about things to try. We had an evaluation done by a non-professional, that means she could administer some evaluations/questionnaires and score them but could not give a diagnosis. She could offer lots of suggestions and advice on how to deal with the behaviors but was not a medical doc or a psychologist. This was done through the county health department, she worded there doing only this job.

Some of the things we tried, some worked for a while, some were opposite of what we wanted, and some didn't effect him at all.

Swimming, the water presses everywhere on his body. It works very well to stimulate all the receptors. He is much more calm and focused after swimming for even 30 minutes during a swim lesson.

Rocking. This didn't do much for him. He loves to rock but he did not want to go rock when he was totally out of control. Some kids run to their rocking chair when they get upset and rock the heck out of it. We put a rocking recliner in his room along with a child size rocker. He didn't really care for either one. Some kids it is the one thing that does work for them so be sure and try it. You can hold her in your lap and rock, if she seems to calm down quickly then the next time tell her to go rock for a while. See how she responds.

A mini trampoline. OMG, 12 hours later he was still bouncing off the walls like a pin ball or some sort of energizer bunny speed toy. He didn't calm down even at bed time and was up until he finally collapsed around 2 am. We bought 2 of them. One for the farm and one for home. They are fun toys but not what he needs when he is over stimulated and getting information from too much stuff. This one is one of those that we really really wished had worked. It would have been so wonderful. It works well in over 90% of the kids too.

We used a weighted vest during circle time at Head Start. It worked for a while until the teacher put it on him for punishment. Then afterwards each time he rebelled greatly. He had loved it up to that point. I bought a used fishing vest at a thrift store and bought some used leg and wrist weight. Once I took the actual weights out of the bands I could put them in the different pockets in the vest. It helped that the weight was in back and front both. That way he didn't have too much on his back and was bending back a bit. It is trial and error too. But this worked really well for aggression. It grounded him to the floor more, I really don't understand all the details. I just know he didn't go off near as much and would actually sit and be quiet, paying deep attention, during circle time and often when they were doing work at the tables. He did not wear it any other time, they wanted it to be only 15-30 minutes daily. We would use it on him for meal times at home so we could enjoy a nice meal and not be wearing food or picking up broken dishes off the floor from the table being flipped.

Finding the right resource for helping this little one calm down can be challenging. It will also be fluid. What works one day won't work the next but the week after it may be all that works. Good hunting!