Division of Labor - SAHM Mom

Hi J., I am have been a SAHM for almost 6 years now. My hubby always had his mom do everything for his family, so I think he just expected it even though I don't think he fully thought about it. This year he has finally started helping out. We have argued about it for years and he would always say he didn't know what to do. I felt like it was just obvious what needed to be done. He said if I asked him, he would help out. So, I have to ask him to help out, but it is such a big help. Just say, Hey hon, can you sweep for me while I do dinner, or something like that. I think many guys don't realize we need or want help.

I am mainly a stay at home mom. I do have a dog walking business, but that only takes about 3 hours of my day. I have been at home with the kids for 9 years now. When it comes to the house I do the bulk of the work. My husband works alot so he really doenst have a chance to do house stuff. BUT he can and will if I ask him to. He is a great cook and will cook when he is home early enough. He does laundry when I am behind, or he needs something right away. Hes prior military so he his the only one who irons his shirts. Hes anal about that.
I care for the kids, do the house work and pay the bills. I am currently on bed rest with our 3rd child so he has been doing alot more, like food shopping & dishes. I thank him for it to no end even though he spends twice what I would at the food store! Its the help that I am thankful for.
He does stuff around the house that is typical man jobs, taking out the trash (even though I will do it as well) House hold repairs, electronic stuff. You know guy stuff. So I feel our work load is pretty even. And I just let him know how thankful I am when he does do some of my work. It took me almost 9 years to get to that point but now I am there. I felt resent and that I was being taken advantage of for the longest time. I felt I was doing all the work. But then I had to look at the bigger picture, he works outside the home, and does a great job. He has always provided for us. And we have always made due even in hard times.
Well I wish you luck! Find some other sahm near you. BC it can get lonely! And some days you just need to have adult conversations that dont involve juice cups!

Hi J..

While I am not a stay home mom, my husband and I still had to have this discussion when we got married -- even more so when we started our family. Both of our moms did all of the housework, so I think my husband just thought it would go that way -- without truly thinking about it. Since we both worked, it was not much of an argument when we originally discussed division of labor.

Yes, your husband works out of the house, but when his "shift" is over then he's done. When is your shift over? Never. I'm not trying to create disharmony, but I sense that something is on your mind and you are being proactive before it becomes resentment. Good idea.

My suggestion to you is to think about what would be fair to you. Think about a perfect world where you get to decide who does what....what would that perfect world look like? Then think about that perfect world's divisions of labor, and make a realistic world. Don't discount things and say "my husband will never do that/go for that." If he is your prince charming, he will listen to you and maybe see your point that a more equitable division of labor is needed.

Some suggested tasks for your husband. You decide what should be added or deleted based on your day and need:

- fold laundry -- can be done while watching TV
- clean the bathroom (which can be done over the course of a few days: sink and toilet one day; bathtub and tile another day; floor another day)
- vacuum (whole house weekly, living room daily?)
- dishes (including pots/pans and wiping off table, stove and counter tops) -- especially if you make the meal
- bathe your daughter and spend time with her (not a chore, but a delight -- we have to give him some fun)
lawn care, including leaf raking
sweeping the outside of the house
- windows
- pick up after himself

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Hi J. ...
I am a full-time SAHM of a 2-1/2 year old girl. My husband leaves for work at 7:00 AM and returns home 7:00 PM. (Unless he has a big deadline, then it's 9:30 PM or later.) I do the bulk of the home care, he doesn't even know how to run the washer and dryer. However, he is responsible for clearing the table after dinner, taking out the trash, paying all the bills, he makes his own breakfast and lunch, and on nights that he works until 9:30 PM, he puts our daughter to bed (we alternate nights the rest of the time). He is also good about spending time with her on the weekends so that I can have time to myself. That's how we divide it up.

I worked part-time after my daughter was born, then was off for a while after my son was born, and then back to part-time. From day one the division of labor never was even. I don't know how a marriage that was so egalitarian became so not, when it came to division of labor. My kids are older now...9 and 13...and it's just that more difficult to be the one carrying 90-95% of the load in every area! Good luck! If you find a secret to equalizing the scale, please let me know! :)