Divorce Advice - South Lyon, MI

If there is anything that yhou feel very strongly about put it in the divorce decree. My SIL really wanted her kids every year for Halloween and wanted them to wake up at her house every Christmas Morning so she had it put in the divorce decree! At the time her ex didn't think too much of it but now he doesn't really like that arrangement but too bad and she doesn't have to fight over it!!
She also put in there that he was not allowed to have overnight guests, ie girlfriends, when he had the kids.
Just a coulpe of things to think about,
Blessings, K.

The best advice I can give you (based on years as a sec. in this field) is this... GET ALONG!!!!! You do NOT have to like each other, but you do have to remain civil and cooperative. Once you begin fighting it has a snowball effect. Remember...he was good enough to love... It is the behavior that is bad - not him. If you approach the subject of dropping off kids, in the same manner you would have when you were both in love, you will get much further than trying to "force" him to do it. Just say something like - Look, I need some help here...what can we do to help each other and our children...

Remember - the best parent is one that seperates her own selfish-hatred of her/his ex, from the love of their children and the love that those same children have for their father/mother. Always-Always ask yourself...do I hate/dislike my ex more than I love my children?? The answer should always be a resounding NO!

If you need anything, email me back and I will do what I can. Sometimes those who are not emotionally involved can give the best - most common sense advice.

As for attorneys... the tales I could tell you about certain ones!!!! There are many ways to do this...you could both agree to work it out together, i.e., come to your own agreement, then have it put in writing. After that you would both have an attorney review it and have it entered. Yes, if you let the attorneys "work it out" it will cost you much much more - and consider this: If it costs you $10k to get $5k, what have you gained??? There are some good divorce attorneys, but unfortunately - there are many more bad ones!!

If there is one thing that I can say is to try and be as civil as you can with your ex for your kids sake because you are going to have to deal with him for a long time. I'm going through the same thing right now, it is not easy but I feel my kids have benefited with there being a united front when it comes to them.

Divorce is probably one of the harder task that you will ever have in life. Believe me I've been there. First I think you two should attempt to come to an agreement about everything. Lay it all out on the table. IE... Can you drop the baby off at day care in the morning, Can we come to a mutual agreement about financial asst. Try to talk first. Then if that doesn't work begin to ask family members if they can help you through this transition. It's going to be a rough ride. So strap on your seat belt and get ready for this ride.

Hi A.,
Been there and done it. My kids were almost the same ages too. Please remember to always put your childrens feelings first. They understand and pick up alot more than you think. DO NOT talk badly about your ex, while they are within listening distance. It's hard to do, but be civil to eachother during the pick up, drop off times... it makes a huge difference. Try to keep him in their lives, and include him in on the everyday things that he will be missing while the kids are with you, and hopefully he will do the same. Its not easy but will make things sooo much easier down the road. The kids love both of you and they will struggle with everything. The more the 2 of you communicate about times and things going on as far as the kids are concerned, the easier it is to get things done. I was very lucky and found a job that let me drop off and pick up and I workes alot of weekends. My friends and family helped out, so I could work. I couldn't have done it without them. You are going to need all the support you can get. And a great lawyer. Good Luck!

Hi A.,

While I haven't been married, I did live with my son's father for quite some time and I too became fed up and couldn't take it anymore. I go into work @ 7am, daycare opens @ 7:30 am. When we first decided that he should move out, I was terrified because I didn't know how my son would get to daycare and I had just gone back to school so life was going to be hectic and now I would be doing it on my own. I decided that my happiness was more important than convenience. So now, my son and I wake up at 5:45 every morning and I drive about 25 miles (roundtrip) out of my way to take him to his dad's so he can drop him off at daycare before he goes to work. Is it a hassle...sure it is. Am I happy that my ex is out of my house...heck yeah!

To you, I say, stay focused on your needs. Don't get sidetracked by the easy route. So many of us stay in relationships that are beneath us simply because it makes life a little easier. It was tough in the beginning with me and little man, but we have fallen into a rhythm and I am getting straight A's in school. You just have to be determined to make it work and hope that your soon to be ex-husband will be willing to help you when you need him to.

Best of luck!
M.

Hello A.,

I use to think I couldnt do it on my own but actually it just happens that way and it ends up all working out and yes there will be struggles but you can do it. I survived and it will come natural to you. But it is all worth it because you have a happy life with yur kids.You will be glad you did it after you get a routine and prove to your ex you dont need him. The court will give him visitation days so that will give you a break to relax. In my case my ex disappeared for 13 years so I learned dont depend on him for help.Just count on yourself this way your not let down.

If your ex has to drop the kid(s) off at preschool every monring.. you will have to see him every morning.. whenyou give hm the kids... probably not a good idea..

You are probably going to have to find a differnt solution.. your kids may have to go to a day care that offers full day care so you wont have pick up and drop off problems..

been there, done that,enlists the help of aunts, uncles, stay at home moms, grand parents, etc. if there is additional cost make the ex pay and enclude it in the divorce decree. you will be able to make it, millions of us have, enroll in support groups at church or community groups, etc.

I hope you have retained an attorney. The attorney will charge you for everything and I do mean everything (copying costs, filling out forms, filing the forms, travel time to court and back, reading your e-mails, talking to you on the phone, etc.). Try to do the copying of forms, getting the pertinent documentations to your attorney, current address info on your soon to be ex, and anything that will help you defray your costs. Keep your own log of when you copy items, what you copy, what copies you gave to your attorney, the dates of the visits/phone calls/e-mails with your attorney, time length of phone calls, visits, etc. to your attorney. Don't be too trusting of your attorney, they will not tell you everything because they want you coming back so they can get more money from you. Ask questions, lots of questions, even if you think it is a stupid question. Do not trust your soon to be ex. Pay off all joint debts (you pay half and your stbx pays half) before the divorce is final (I failed to do this and my ex did not comply with the JOD and did not pay his portion of the debt awarded to him in the JOD and the credit card company filed a lawsuit against me, which was reported on my credit report and ruined my credit, so I had to pay my ex's debt to avoid wage garnishment. Ask for everything and then negiotate with your stbx from there. Sell any joint properties before the divorce is final, here again our property and timeshare did not sell before the divorce was final and my ex is not paying his half of the property taxes or the timeshare maintenance fees which has forced the timeshare association to put the timeshare into foreclosure proceedings. I'm still battling with my ex, who won't speak to me and did not leave a current address when he left the marital home after the divorce was final, and he will not respond to my attorney (my divorce was finalized 10/09/08 after over a year of divorce proceedings). My ex was and still is a spoiled, self-centered jerk (that's mild to what I usually refer to him as). Fight for half of your stbx's pension. Expect numerous court dates and adjournments to those court dates. Expect the divorce process to take at least a year or longer if your soon to be ex is a real jerk. I wish you luck and hope you fair better than I did. Wishes.
V.

1) Have a support system (friends,relatives, etc.) You're going to need it.
2) When asking for child support, make sure the child(ren) are covered until they turn 18. And make the court enforce medical and dental expenses! I had a hell of a time with my ex regarding these issues.
3) Keep yourself up-get your hair done, nails, etc. I know $$ is tight, but you'll tend to let yourself go during this time.
4) I tried to enforce "the ride to school" issue --mine were in high schools that were quite a distance from our home. It worked for a while, but finally, he stopped picking up my youngest son (left him stranded one AM, when I had left for an early morning meeting). So, ask a trusted friend, relative, etc to see if car pool is an option. Try the school itself-there may be another parent who doesn't live far and wants to make a little extra money. That's what I did and it worked great.
5) Don't tolerate any excuses with late child support!!! One late payment -take him to court and tell the judge. Those are his kids too!!
6) Pray - it gets better with time!

Hi A.,

I hate to tell you this but if he's being a jerk to you now it's just going to get worse as you go through the divorce. My ex fought me tooth and nail for custody of our three boys and when I was awarded full physical custody with him only having visitation rights he up and abandon us. That was 8 years ago and he hasn't been back since. I would first of all suggest you have a good attorney. That can be key to getting what ou need. Then if the two of you can't come to an agreement let Friend of the Court make their recommendations. I would also seek out a support group for others in your situation or enlist support of close friends, maybe people from church (if you attend one) and family. If that isn't an option then maybe the preschool has some sort of latch key program where you could drop her off early and pick her up later or possibly bussed transportation to an area daycare. Friend of the Court will make your soon to be ex share the expense with you. If he ends up being a dead beat, abandons you and the kids then doesn't pay a dime for child support so be it. You will probably be better off in the long run. You will find a way to make it all work. Remember, the only thing that doesn't change is change itself. God will walk you through this, just follow his lead.

Good luck - S.

Is it the 2 or 4 yr old that you have enrolled?

Perhaps look into having before school care for both the kids and then the provider could drop the one off at preschool, kindergarten, etc...

Since I assume that you want custody of the kids and would have the kids overnight how would the arrangements be for you getting the kids to him? Would he keep one thru the day or would he drop them both off at different care places or school?

I have not been divorced... But my sister has... all I can say is that YOU can NOT do everything YOURSELF! You need to gather your troops. :-) Family, friends, church etc. LET them help you emotionally. Talk to them. Let them take the kids for a few hours so you can have some YOU time. Financially you will make it... Its the emotional side of dealing with 2 kids, working, divirceing, and living life that you NEED the assistance. Start a journal... (Its called script therapy) write your feelings out... Start a "girls" night. Just invite a couple of your friends over for dinner once a week. Chat, laugh, and enjoy the connection... Laughter is healing...

Good luck!