Do I Feel Overly Responsible for My Kids?

Sooo, my sweet boy is only two, but I plan on him having chores to do. He already sometimes take his plate/silverware to the sink, throws trash away, wants to help daddy take out the trash and wants to help me when I'm wiping the table/shelves, stuff like that, simply because he sees us do it everyday:) I think chores help them to learn to be functional adults and helps them value their home, while teaching responsibility.

I grew up in a household where the priorities were more about school. I guess the goal was to be successful in school in order to get a scholarship to pay for college. In high school, I didn't get to have a car, a job, or hardly ever see friends outside of school. I had tons of homework and evening classes. It worked halfway- I got a college scholarship, but then had trouble finding a real job without any work experience.

I like the other answers so I won't go there. As for the college....
I was lucky. My parents paid room, board and tuition. HOWEVER, I appreciate it a ton.

When my kids are older, I will expect them to get the loans so they know what the cost is and how hard it is and have something if nothing else for motivation. I will then offer to help pay them off IF their grades and motivation prove that I should. I do not want to pay for a party year!

I disagree with you. I am responsible for my happiness, and my children, when they grow up, will be responsible for thiers. Nobody is going to shew all the bad things out of thier paths as grown ups, and if you are still doing that for them when they are adults, you have stunted them to the joy of independence and the reality of strife and overcoming obsticals. I am responsible to raise healthy, kind, responsible, moral souls, and for that to happen, they have to know that hard work makes happy people, because not very many people get away with not working hard.

I am not thier servant, I am their mother, and I could not care less if they like me at all. and sometimes, I gauge how good my work is by how unhappy they are, because they need to learn something while they are still flexible enough for it not to break them. My mother said to me often that she did not care about my happiness, she cared about my soul. Everything that my kids want that would make them happy is not good for them, even if it is not just things. They make thier own friends, they need to learn how to keep them too, and I don't worry about their marriages, their father shows them every day how a good husband treats a mate. We lead them, as God leads us, and there are bumps and bruses along the way that do not make us happy either, and we show them how to handle those things with grace and humility.

I love my home, but it is work. Nothing makes me happier than a nice clean house, or a newly mowed lawn, because it is my little corner of the world. I remember feeling that same pride in a job well done as a kid too, really running the vaccum like my mother wanted it, or cleaning up my room and knowing that I had done something right. I knew how to wash dishes, do laundry, mop, sweep, and pull weeds before I was out of high school, and I never thought it was a burden at all, it was a gift to know that nothing is free. I think that if I were not invested in my family, I would think that the world owed me something, and I am sure that you have met people like that in your lifetime; they are insufferable.

I don't see how you have to sacrifice good grades for chores.

God forbid that my children would melt the first time they were unhappy as an adult, but let me tell you about my husbands last trip to Iraq, because there were a bunch of young adults that were doing just that. He was the commanding officer of over 500 service people. He had several emails from parents trying to fix things for thier adult children who did not like the accomodations. They were at war, and Mommy and Daddy were upset about Johnny's uncomfortable bed, air conditioniong, food selections, and shower water pressure.

The best thing you can teach your children is how to deal with life, the way it comes, which is not always cozy and comfey, and they are not always happy. They did not ask to be born, but you would not have them if they were not supposed to be here either because they are gifts, and you should be thinking about the value of the gifts you pass on to them more than thier happiness, because ultamately, the most unhappy people in the world just can't handle life in general, and some of the happiest are those who really have very little to be happy about, it all just comes from what they know about life.

M.

I'm wondering if your mother reallly didn't expect anything from you as a child other than to just be a child because you sound as though you are able to care for your children and your home & I am quite frankly, astonished that's even possible. My father was raised (granted it was a different time) in a home where his mother & father though of course mostly his mother, did EVERYTHING. What the end result of that was that she had 4 children who were unable to do a single thing, not a load of laundry, not cut the grass, not make anything more interesting than a cheese sandwich for themselves when they left her home. When my grandmother died suddenly 12 years ago we (my mother & I) had to teach my Grandfather how to use the washing machine & even the dishwasher! My point is the same as the other mother's who've posted below. Giving your children age-appropriate chores has absolutely nothing to do with being overly-responsible for your children and everything to do with helping your children become capable and responsible adults themselves.

short answer sounds like yes. from your post it sounds like you are looking at short term happiness (playdates, fun time etc which is great) but not longterm happiness, independence, free thinker, learning how to deal with disappointment and still be happy, learning to control their own life situations and decision.
I feel if you are always making sure your child is happy then you are not giving them the gift of them figuring out how to be happy without being dependent on you or when something doesn't go their way how to cope. It seems that many kids today don't know how to cope or deal with problems and solve those problems. They need to figure out how to be happy on there own, without a playdate or someone else to entertain them, otherwise who is going to do it when they are young adults.

Regarding chores, chores can give them a sense of accomplishment, a sense of being needed, to work in a group. Now I would agree some chores or how they are implemented may not work out the way they should. I remember dorm life in college and so many people didn't know to do do their laundry(at all), shop for themselves, didn't understand money enough to keep it balanced etc. I understand that is part of learning at you get older, but some of that would be beneficial to know as you are growing up with your family, it makes life easier as a late teen and in your twenties.

I have to agree with Somer and Lovemy...I mean they have to have responsibilities to be contributing members of society, even if it's just the household society. It also teaches them skills and responsibility all in one. I'm sure that you have really good kids. You sound like a very caring person, but you aren't doing them any favors by taking care of them to the point that they don't do any thing for themselves. I agree that chores within reason is a great idea. I wouldn't have my 3 year old cleaning the bathroom, but she can surely pick up her toys and help me carry out the recylables. Besides, if I'm going to take the time to schedule play dates and plan parties and outings, then she needs to reciprocate by helping me out too...that's what a relationship is. Her part is obviously less than mine, and ultimately it all falls on me, but she has to learn how to give and take and that's my job as her mother, to reinforce that so that she'll be successful in all relationships, friendship or romantic. Just my opinion!

Well, we as adults didn't "ask" to be born either, but if we want a successful and happy life we had to learn how to deal with life and responsibilities. You don't just magically learn these things when you graduate from college! What if your daughters don't "find good men to marry?" Then they will have to support themselves and make decisions for themselves. When will they be taught to do this? What if your daughters don't want to get married or choose to work. Some of us choose to work not because we financially NEED to, but because we enjoy what we do for various reasons. Childhood is preparation for adulthood in small, age-appropriate increments. I think my job is to teach and model basic values and characteristics I would like my children to have as they grow into adulthood. And teenagers, especially, should be doing things to contribute to the household common good, such as nightly dishes. That child will be an adult very soon. Our society does not need any more entitled adults who think the world owes them something because their parents only expected them to do well in school.

Our job as their parents is to help them become responsible adults. Chores help children learn responsiblity and that they are part of a team (the family).

I went off to college never having operated a washing machine. I am sure that my mother felt like you do that she wanted me to enjoy my childhood. It was a really rough lesson to learn that I lived in LaLa Land and that not only did I have to learn how to wash my clothing but boil water, pay my phone bill, etc.......

I am hoping that by the time my children are going to college, they know how to operate all the household appliances and make a simple meal. It's my job as their parent to get them ready for adulthood.

Your sister in law should be furious with her daughter. Her daughter should help with the dinner dishes. The daughter is not a princess. She is a member of the family and the only way a family functions is for all to pitch in.

It sounds as if you are parenting from guilt. It's a nonsense argument that because they did not ask to be born you should be their slave to insure their happiness.

Though there are expectations for my children, I know that they are happy and are having a great childhood. It is a well balanced childhood where they get to play, travel, learn and participate in the work that has to happen to run a home.

Its funny...when I became a teacher my mother, who was also a teacher, asked the 8th grade class to write a letter to me describing what qualities made a good teacher. The majority of them said that a good teacher was firm but kind. I parent this way too. It's important that my children know that they are loved but they also know that there are rules and expectations to follow and there are consequences for not behaving or helping.

Though my husband and I pay for their private school and will most likely pay all the way through college, I am not paying because they didn't ask to be born and therefore somehow I feel guilty. I am paying because we can and I believe that the school they attend holds the same values I do and I want to make sure that it is easier to get into the private high school and therefore easier to get to a college of their choice.

My children are well aware of how lucky they are that we have the resources to give them a private school and all that they do have. They know about and are learning the value of giving to less fortunate families.

You do need to be careful. How can they learn the value of a dollar or hardwork if you are always going to rescue them from everything including boredom or a little bit of stress?

I grew up in a home where my mom was a SAHM, she believed it was our sole responsibility to be kids first, we were responsible for keeping our rooms clean, putting our own clothes in the laundry basket but beyond that nothing more...that being said when I was a young adult out on my own I was so absolutely clueless, I had No idea what keeping up even a small apartment required, then fast forward a short pace and all of a sudden on top of everything else I was a very young mother and trying to learn how to care for a home, myself and a young child and maintain a job...it is rough...I see nothing wrong with making children feel a sense of pride and feeling like they are taking part of being a family and helping around the house. I think the younger kids have responsibilities the better...I don't want you to get the wrong idea...I adore all three of my children, but they are their own unique individuals and they are responsible for the choices they make in their lives. It is My job to raise them and lead them in a direction I see fit, I am definitely involved, but I am not going to hover over them and try to make sure they have "prefect" lives...the world is an imperfect place. It sounds to me as if your child is not going to have a very good handle on reality, because no one in the real world is going to cater to your children like you have. Parents have a responsibility to instill morals and values but if you protect your child and shelter them from everything, including a bit of honest hard work, I do not see that you are doing them the favor that you think.

hmmmm.... I don't think I agree with you. One reason is that I believe that we exist before we are born and I do believe that children want to be born- to come down to earth and experience physical life.
Setting that aside- as a parent- I feel that it is my responsibility to teach my children how to not only exist, but thrive in life and be successful, contributing people in society. The way I do this is with giving my children personal responsibility by having them help out with chores around the house. There are things that are expected of my kids- do their chores, get good grades in school, be nice to each other, respect us as parents, among other things. I feel that if I do everything for my children, I am hindering them. They will not learn how to be responsible for their own actions which can lead to a sense of entitlement and also a lack of fulfillment of being able to accomplish something on your own.
This is not to say that my idea of parenting is better than yours- but this works for me and my family and your way seems to be working for you and your family.
I will not pay for my children's college. This isn't because I have "too many" kids(although 6 is a lot!) but because I believe that college is something that needs to be earned. Let me explain myself. I know too many people who wasted one or two years at college because they didn't know what they wanted to do. I am not paying for that as a parent. I will fully support my children in their desire to go to college and we will look at payment options together- such as scholarships and working part-time while going to school. Yes, it is harder, but it will give them more of an incentive to stay in school and choose a career/degree they can use rather than going into something that sounds fun but will not realistically get them a job once they graduate.
This is not to say that I don't encourage continuing education- I read all the time(not just fiction!) and study and learn. I love to learn- but I don't need to go to college to learn.
I guess the bottom line is that I feel it is my responsibility as a mom to not do everything for my kids. They need to be able to stand on their own two feet. This, of course, is not done all at once- but a little at a time- so when they are ready to step out of the nest - they won't fall nearly so far.
Good luck!
~C.

My opinion is that you are not equipping your children for life in the real world. Life is not going to be handed to them on a silver platter. You appreciate things a lot more when you earn them for yourself. Just like when your parents give you a car to drive, you don't always take the best care of it, but when YOU spend THOUSANDS of dollars on a car - you are a little bit more picky about where it goes, who is in it, what they are doing in it etc.....

How is chores in the home "not their responsibilty"???
It is a child's responsibility to help around the home because it is their home and their stuff too! Of course what my 5 year old does now for responsibilities is greatly different than what will be expected of her at 15, but I am teachinig her responsibility and cooperation. If I didn't expect my kids to do anything at home then they will grow up expecting the world will give them everything. I refuse to set them up for that failure.
My kids are very much kids and very much allowed to be kids. Making her put her toys away is not stealing her childhood.

I paid for college myself. AA, BA and MA. I am not in debt in student loans, I just worked hard at it. I could not appreciate what I have accomplished and the career I have more. I do not resent that my parents didn't pay for that for me. I am proud of all I have done. It is absurd to imagine my parents ever sitting down and having a conversation about not being parents because they couldn't put us through college.

It depends on what you think makes your child happy. My family always had us be responsible for chores and not coddling us in the belief that we would be more secure and happy as we grew. They were poor. We didn't get sent to college. We are very secure happy hard working people now. I went back to school on my own dime while working full time in NY in the fashion industry after climbing the job ladder while working numerous minimum wage jobs in my off hours and saving my money to get to NY. I guess your mom would have called my 2 full time working parents "lazy" for having us do work as kids (and you may have adopted that view yourself by your view of others having kids do lots of chores etc).

My husband's mom always bailed her kids out of stuff and still supports his 40 year old twin. While implying my parents are mean if I don't think I could go to them for help (as I was turning her manipulative gifts down for the 58th time explaining that in my family, that's not OK unless there is an emergency) she was telling me that "You will always want to help your kids" to explain why she supports her adult child.

Depends on your definition of help and happiness. You seem to feel things like hard work and stress are bad for people and your kids didn't ask to be born so shouldn't have to encounter those things. However hard work and stress are often catalysts to successful and fulfilling lives. Very few coddled people go on to be revolutionaries. Sure privileged college grads do good things if they're raised right, but it's just as common for people who have struggled to become great and have the most heart and empathy.

You explained your responsibilities in your edit, but before that you were judging those who don't seem to be as caring as you if they make their kids work hard, don't have college money for them, or accept they will choose their own spouses. I don't think you meant to sound that way, but we all worry about our kids. If the only good parents were parents with college funds for every kid, that would leave A LOT of people out of the "good parent" profile. Sometimes letting your kids struggle and grow strong is the hard but good thing to do (to us tougher parents). Sometimes it's the only choice. It's not a measure of caring. We all love our kids.

Am I responsible for their happiness? NO! Why on Earth would I presume to "make" someone happy? I give my kids a good life, stayed home with them, cared for them. How they interpret it and deal with life if their choice. I cannot make them happy, and it's not my responsibility. My responsibility is to raise them to the best of my ability to be productive, caring human beings. Sometimes that means being a ____@____.com and they'll hate it. But it makes them better people.

Is it my responsibility to pay for college? No. College isn't the end all be all. If they want a trade school, great. If they want to start a business, great. If they go to college, wonderful and I may choose to pay off their loans when they're done, but not a moment sooner. Too many kids have mom n dad hand them a free ride college education and they sputter and fail halfway through. The people who work for their degrees, and I mean work, appreciate them and make every moment count. And end up being successful in their career path.

Is it a child's responsibility to contribute to the household through chores? Um, hell yes! How else do you teach them responsibility, to care for their things, to operate basic machinery like a washer/dryer/mower/vacuum cleaner? Chores are a great way to instill the sense of self worth in actually contributing to something. I am not a doormat and I refuse to do everything for them when they are perfectly capable of doing it themselves. I will NOT raise a helpless baby.

Is my child's sole responsibility to go to school? NO! I went to college with a boy named Levi whose parents must have had the same line of thinking...he was a doof when it came to anything but studies. He was not a productive, responsible human being, but he could churn out assignments like no-ones business. Not someone I would hire, that's for darn sure!!

Do I schedule play dates? Sometimes, but I also let them manage their own friendships to a point. They're not MY friends, they have their own, they can ask to play with the neighborhood kids all on their own! How else are they going to learn the social skills necessary to create and develop a relationship?

and PS: As far as your DD finding someone "right" to marry, throw that right out the window today. Your DD needs to find someone who makes her laugh, who honors and loves her. If she's an engineer and he's a penniless construction worker, and they're good together, then that's what matters. Not whether he's got the right pedigree because when life hits hard, you need a partner, not a pedigree.

So, in short, I'm in complete disagreement in all of your assumptions about our responsibilities as parents. But, that's what makes this forum great! It gives me a 180 degree different perspective and helps me actually think about, and reflect on, my own assumptions. I'm curious to see the other responses.

I DO feel responsible for my son's happiness, and I worry excessively about how the bumps in this life will affect him.

That said, however, I don't think it is fair to pamper them in such way that they go out into the world with no REAL concept of how things are in the real world. I think it's important to have some responsibilities as a child/teen (age appropriate, of course), so that they learn that things will be expected of them. You said yourself that the world is competitive, so if your children are sort of pampered and made to be comfortable, how is that teaching them how to manage in a competitive world? I'm not bashing you. I feel a lot like you in some ways. But I think there is a happy medium that is optimal. A fair share of responsibility, some accountability for their actions, a chance to learn important life skills and lessons, and the opportunity to experience disappointment. Without these experiences, they may not be as prepared for life in the hard, real world as they could be.

I know we want to shelter our kids from the harsh reality of life as long and as much as we can. But like I said, there has to be a balance so they develop the skills they need to be successful and independent, while at the same time, being allowed to enjoy being a child.

Success in life isn't all about how well they perform academically. There are lots of lessons - life lessons - that we as parents have to help them, and let them learn.

Best wishes.

i make my kids do chores, not necessarily cause i can't forsey, but to TEACH them how to when they get older and on their own...for example my 15 year old had no clue how to run a laundry washing machine, when i told her to clean the bathroom she was using SHAMPOO! when i told her to mow, she hasn't learned to watch were she's been and mowed over the same grass 5X!

they need chores so they wont have to call you every week because they don't know how to mow the lawn...example, a girl across the street from me, NEVER mowed growing up at 25, her dad was at her house showing her and making her mow her own lawn she actually had gotten a ticket from the city because of complaints of it being too high. another one i know was never made to do dishes, mow, or just "be clean" and after 15 minutes of mowing he's inside for the month yet wonders why the city keeps giving him citations

let kids be kids and have fun, but they need to "know how" and child hood IS their time to LEARN HOW

Focusing on college/school is great and obviously a priority, but that's why most parents i know give chores as punishment (you spend this time doing this when you shouldv'e been doing this, now all you have time for is this) that's how i look at it

and no i don't feel responsible for giving my kids the college education they deserve, i raised you taugh you education is important...if you want it GO GET IT! and i will support you every way i can, but i'm not going to do like a lot of parents and get multiple 10,000 loans using my retirement time and money to pay off THEIR education when i couldn't even put my self through it; i had to work hard and so will they

back in the old days (omish if you will) families had baby's so they HAD help around the house, farm, or whatever (boys/dad's would be outside tending to the plantation, and mom/daughter's cooked, cleaned, churned butter, milked the cow) aint nothing changed there sister.

I used to have a friend who lived by the statement "my children were not asked to be born" and she slept with her children at night instead of her husband(longer story but her business). they did not ask to be born but they should feel blessed that they were! Having children do chores around the home is for the good of the family in whole, it teaches the children responsibilty and how to work together as a team and that is something that they will learn inside the home or on the outside of the home the hard way. We pray our girls are well rounded girls who will be strong independant and know how to make decisions with wisdom(prayerfully)Teach them the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it, they understand that school is the first priority and our home wich is OUR place of peace is high on the list as well. When our girls go off to college they will know how to research a paper, speak up respectfully, prioritize, make a bed, cook something if they are hungry and do the dishes when they are done! LOL and not wait for thier roommate to clean up after them. We teach the girls that being happy consist of the simple things in life and as each day arrives we talk about the stresses in school and life and allow them to understand it's not always as bad as you think and it will get better or what are you doing to cause the challenging out come. The girls have to be happy inside and that is a daily process for everyone so I guess as a parent we share what not to do to cause bumps in the road.

no...they didn't ask to be born -but don't you expect them to take care of themselves as adults? don't you expect them to take good care of THEIR families when the time comes? don't you want them to love and respect the family they were born into, and feel like a valued member of it? do you want them to be self suffiicent, independent, contributing members of society, hold their heads high at a job well done, and not be afraid of hard work or just be plain out lazy? how will they learn these things if their mother (and father!) don't teach them. i didn't ask to be brought into this world either. but i am here, and i have two fulltime jobs - my "job", and being a mother. i figure that's enough. those who live in the house, can share the responsibility of the house. that is why we do chores in our house.
PS - i also want to note - my son is 4. i expect him to help me, like i help him with things. it's not "go clean your room" and i expect him to go in there by himself and do it. we help each other. that's what i call family.

OK--the responses you've gotten are focusing on O. aspect of your post--chores. But your post is about worrying about your childrens' happiness, right?
I think kids need to learn to take on responsibility that is age appropriate. My second grader is learning to bring the needed books home from school to complete his assignments, and get his planner signed every night. But he can also be responsible for putting his dishes in the sink, tidying up his room, etc. I consider that appropriate for a 7-8 yo.
I think there are two camps of moms--the roll-with-it ones and the over-thinking ones. I'm mostly the latter. Maybe it involves a certain level of maturity. There are hybrids, as well. Some situations call for let-it-roll, some for over-thought. The danger is becoming a helicopter mom--and that's no good.

I guess this is the new generation of parenting. My parents were from the Depression and were spend thrifts and taught me the value of a dollar and how to save and spend and the consequences of not having money to do things.

As part of a family it is the whole family that makes things work and that includes everyone doing chores and knowing how to cook, clean, wash, iron and sew on buttons. This is preparation for the future when you leave home and take care of yourself. When I grew up it was expected that you would do x,y,z and that it would be done before you went to bed or you would have to get up and do it before you went to sleep the right way. I sometimes hated that but it did teach me that if you do it right the first time you won't have to do it again and again to get it right and eliminate the frustration that comes with someone over your shoulder watching your every move until it is right.

I guess the playdate thing is new. When I grew up we all ran around through everyone's backyard (no fences) and had a good time. We went out in the morning, came back for potty breaks and lunch and were gone the rest of the day until supper. Just remember to give your kids some unscheduled time to be kids so they don't burn out.

Education is a privilege not an entitlement. If you do not have the ability to study hard than a trade is in order. Hard work never hurt anyone it makes you stronger and makes you chose what you will and won't do for a living. My son thought he would work for a low wage lifting heaving 40 and than 80 pound boxes of frozen meat into a refer dry van and come home with a sore back and stiff muscles from the cold. He went in the Army got out and went to school and became a journeyman electrician. My daughter did not go to school but she lucked out and got a good job with a trucking company as a dispatcher and makes more than I do at the university.

Each child knew that college would be there but they would have to expend the energy to learn or pay for it themselves. Also that would mean they would be invested in the learning as they were add their dimes to the cause. Doing everything for a child does not make them stand on their own two feet and successful. It makes them helpless in the wrong areas of life and they fail miserably. I worry about my daughter not finding Mr. Right but that day will come and she is the one that has to be happy with him not me as I won't be living with him.

I suggest that you take part of the college fund and fund your reitrement. Kids can always get a scholarship but they don't give them to people who will be retiring.

Sorry if this is long and may not answer your questions.

The other S.

PS It is my responsibility to provide them a roof over their head, food in their stomach, clothes on their backs, and a way to learn until the age of 18 and then 23 if they go to school. If no school they must go into the military or get a job no free loaders at the house.

Helene I know you love your children but having them not lifting a finger around the house is not a good idea. My mother was like you, don't get me wrong I adored her growing up but when I went to the real world (20 years old) to live on my own, it was REALLY hard.
I didn't know how to cook, clean, keep in check my expenses, it was a disaster. I spent more than I earned because I would always eat out, hire someone to clean etc. By the way I was renting a room in someone else's apartment. you can imagine the cleaning lady thinking I was crazy hiring her to clean just ONE room LOL!
Just to give you a future prespective, for now it's a lovely thought just to keep those little ones in a bubble , safe and keeping them from harm and hard work but in the end they have to go out there.
Good luck in whatever you decide,

I live in the same area as you and I can see your POV to a point. But it seems like you worry a lot. It would be nice if parents can provide a comfortable life style for their children. But that is just not a reality for a great many people (there are plenty of people in our area struggling to make ends meet and not all kids are planned). I'd like to have enough set aside to send my kids to college, but it may only be a state school. I got to my mid 30's and we decided life is uncertain and if we wanted kids then we had to do it or lose the chance forever. I also disagree with you about chores. My kids are too young to do a lot but I see no problem with older kids and teens having some chores. It teaches them to contribute to the family and learn how to take care of themselves when they are on their own as adults. I also think children who have some responsibilities learn the value of their own work and are better prepared to work toward their goals later and not be discouraged when things require hard work.

well, we make them do things to that they can be self-sufficient when they go out into the real world. You aren't going to be around forever, and your kids won't know how to function on their own if they never have to do anything. When I was living in a dormitory setting, I had to teach girls how to do their laundry, how to clean stuff, even how to budget their money because their parents never made them learn while they were living with them. I'm not saying that your kids should be slaves, but I think they do need responsibilities. As for the play dates and such, that's all well and fine... but when they are adults are they going to know how to put themselves out there and meet people on their own? I guess the point I'm trying to make is that we don't do things for our own benefit as parents, but to TEACH our children the things they need to know to function in the "real world" so that when we are no longer around, they can still thrive.

I also feel responsible for my daughters happines. And for her future happiness. Part of that is teaching her that as part of a family and really as part of society, you have to do your part. Even at three years old she understands this and clears her plate off the table and puts away her toys. Spoiling her by not giving her age appropriate tasks and responsibilities is NOT going to make her happy, rather the opposite.

We are also not planning to pay for her college education. Yes, we will help, but from my own experience and from my experience of working in higher ed for the last 5 years, students do A LOT better in school and are more likely to finish school, if they have to contribute to the cost of their education. We are not talking about taking on two jobs and going to school, but I see every day that young adults who have to work part time and spend that money towards their education generally have a better appreciation of it being a priviledge and making the most of it.

I think it's important to strike a balance. It's true that they need to play and be kids, have time for school and activities. But it does not have to be one extreme or the other. Balance is everything.
Good luck!

Reading your initial question and so what happened, it sounds like you think that you are raising your kids the right way and other people are doing it the wrong way, and you also sound defensive of the way you were raised. I am sure you have good kids and your parents are good too.

I will just say, how you parent and whether it is the right way or not is an emotional issue for all of us and no one likes to be told that they are doing it the wrong way. I really don't think yours or someone else's method is better or worse than the other. In my opinion, the best way to raise good kids is for the parents to just be good people themselves, and then whether they have chore charts or who does what or what percentage blah blah blah are just differences of opinion.

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I admit it. I was kind of shocked to read your question/ thoughts. I am responding without actually reading the other responses. Though I have an idea of what they contain.

You have every right to raise your kids exactly how you want to. As a mother that is your choice. And particularly if your husband agrees, then you really don't need to discuss this with anyone else. I can't help but asking why you posted this? Was it that you felt attacked by other mothers' difference of opinion? Was it that you think everyone else is wrong to make their kids work too hard? Or is it because you are truly questioning your decision to parent this way? I am not trying to figure out why you would ask something so surely controversial, but it certainly came across as curious to me.

First, I know m kids didn't ask to be born. But I also didn't have them just for my own entertainment. I value life and my parent's decision to bear me, and I trust that my child will feel the same. I don't see life or death as a choice, so I don't spend alot of time on the extential questions surrounding that. But once my kids get old enough they will be doing chores. Because I am teaching them that families help each other. No one person in a family is any more important than any other, and that is an important rule to learn. No matter how educated, no matter how religious, no matter how good your heart, the human instinct is to take advantage of the good things in life. So if someone is doing all kinds of kind things for you and says you need do nothing in return, when exactly do you expect them to return the favor? Why do you think that they will learn to be appreciative of all your efforts when they have had no other experience. Your children don't have your pool of experience to draw upon. They see only what their eyes have seen.

Also, this may work for your kids. But it doesn't work for mine. My kids say Thank You all the time, but I don't have faith that they truly understand what they are saying. And I believe in competetion because I don't think you can deny it. We evolved from nature and are still a part of nature. Competition is another thing that exists whether you think it should or not. To deny it will set your kids at a disadvantage at some point. I happen to believe that my children will learn how to deal with competetion better than yours because I am teaching them to fight fair and brush themselves off when they lose. I also don't want them to have to deal with that alone when they move into the big "bad" world.

Again, they are your kids. You can't raise them perfectly because perfect doesn't exist. Do what you think is best, watch their behavior and go from their. What everyone else does shouldn't matter. It is none of my business what you raise your kids to believe.

Hi Helene, You're a very good mom. The fact that you take care of your children and provide for them is definitely something my mom and dad did for us. There are two ways of looking at this: many people would think that you're spoiling your children. Others would say, yes it's your duty as a parent to raise the children properly. It all depends on the culture you've been brought up in. I currently live in Greece, and I'll tell you the one thing I see here is that parents give every possible euro to provide, educate help out their children, wheather they're married or still living at home. Let me give you for example education, parents will use every bit of their savings to send their kids to a private institution. They also pay for extra tutoring courses after school. There are almost 5 language schools within three blocks of my home so you can imagine the demand. If children are not accepted to universities in Greece, then they send them away whether throghout Europe or even the U.S.You hardly see a Greek doing blue collar jobs, which is why there are so many foreigners from third world countries living here.

As far as chores and all that, why not have them learn to clean up after themselves? The downfall in Greece is that a lot of girls from what I've seen are all so called "princesses". I see it with my SIL, a few friends. I get annoyed seeing this. I think chores develop a type of responsibility.With the guys, unfortunately because they don't all lift a finger when living at home with their parents they do have that old belief that it's a womans duty. Not necessarily all, because my hubby is truly a very helpful individual.

There's so much I can write to you about the positives and negatives about providing. The only thing that my mother-in-law has told me which I've been now accepting and appreciating is, always treat your child with respect and loving care.They will appreciate, and respect you as parents.

Take care

I have a 21 yr old step sons that are 20,19 and one that deceased at 16 now they are grown I will give you advice all were raised by diffrent moms so this is a general conclusion. I didn't pay for chores no one will do thier chores when they are single and living on thier own and if they leave it to the wife as an expected thing she will get tired of it and leave. if you dont teach them chores as a responsiblility they will have no work ethics which means they will get fired. it is thier job to get good grades some kids have trouble with that.

going to college is very highly recommended coming from a single mom who had none. if they are not college material at least make them get a trade. my oldest is going to get his hvac liscense and my 19 yr old step son is going to chefs school. my 21 yr old is responsible with chores and not so much on the working aspect. he will get a job but doesnt care if its minimum wage. my 20 yr old step son had 6 brothers and sisters and was good at manipulating his way out of chores. I have to stay on him to do them and make him understand they have to be done and he wont hold a job manipulating his way out of them. I have told them that if we spend 15 minutes a piece every night doing chores the house will always be clean.

you do have to allow them kid time. going out with friends and such. sports but dont overdo it. my oldest step son thinks his job is to play all day. not do chores and such. there does have to be a limit on it. my 19 yr old step son whos mom does everything for him feels that it is owed to him that women are to be his maid. he feels he shouldnt have to work for anything and have the finest of everything since mom has no restrictions on price for anything. so here is the other sides of doing it all for them. and when you teach them to do chores make sure they are taught to do it right. I hate it when my 20 yr old step son does dishes and I pull them out of the cabinet with food still stuck to it. I am going to make him rewash every dish in the house till he figures it out. good luck and this is just my experiences. with 4 teenagers to teach me this.

I think that those who struggle financially may decide in advance that providing for college is out of their reach while those who are more affluent have the means and thus the motivation to do so--

Also--I think without meaning to you could really offend people with religious beliefs about not limiting the number of children they have. I am not one of those people but I don't feel like my husband and I should have to fully fund the college education of all the children we have in order to justify why we brought them into the world

As for chores--if there are so many chores that a) school is suffering b) child has no leisure time then yeah--that is too many chores--otherwise I think it is entirely realistic that children learn the way of the world early. My DH and I joke how ill prepared he was for the real world having virtually no chores to do--lol--boy did his life change when we lived together. I was used to being dragged out to weed an entire hillside of juniper plants (40 plants) and raking grass clippings even though my parents could easily afford a bagger. Stunk back then but gives you some perspective later on!

I think we need to provide a nurturing, loving, home where our children are taught responsibility, respect and independence so that when they grow and become adults they can go out into the world and not feel guilthy for leaving home or unprepared to be responsible for themselves. I want my son to know that I am here for him no matter what and I will do anything I can for him, but I expect him to learn that he has to do all he can for himself first. I'm his safety net, I'm his comfort, I'm his love and support. I am here unconditionally but I want him to be sensitive, strong, caring, independent and a person who can handle the good and bad in life and a person who can be alone if need be. Its all about balance. Do I baby him? Yes! Do I do to much for him at times? Yes. I'm his mom, no one else is going to do that for him - well, except grandma...hahahah! But I teach him to do for himself, learn, take chances, try new things, be compassionate to all, be helpful, respectful, do unto others, etc etc etc. We all have our ways of parenting and hopefully everyone just does the best that they can. Different circumstances for all.

I'm late coming into this, it's an interesting question. I've been reading a book called Scream Free Parenting (totally different issue, but a relevant point), he states that we are not Responsible FOR our children, but rather Responsible TO our children. Meaning, they are individual children who need the space and ability to do things on their own, make mistakes, learn how to grow up without us doing everything for them. They are responsible for themselves because they are there own people. We are responsible to them to provide the things they need, to be there to help them, teach them, help them, and think about the end result of where they are going.

You sound like a wonderful, caring mom... My mom was very much like yours, and I too turned out to be an extra hard worker... but I ALWAYS had chores to do (not including laundry or cooking though). I wish she had put those on the list because I did struggle a bit in college to pull all that household stuff together.

I do think 10 years olds are old enough to help out. It makes them feel like they have a roll and place in the home. Everyone should help to make the house work smoothly, be picked up. And, doing dishes is an easy way to include a child in the day to day work that needs to be done.

Thanks for your post.
J.

I just wanted to state that i totally agree with lynsey l. Altho I would like to say. I have a two year old and tho he wasn't planned he's the best thing that ever happened to me! When I got pregnent I was but had to leave my job because of complications with the pregnancy. I was on bed rest from 18 weeks till he was born at 32 weeks. His father and I aren't together so needless to say i went to stay with my father. Had my father not agreed to help us out IN OUR TIME OF NEED some stranger would be raising my baby. And yea I am still not working tho i've been trying to get a job Im now caring for my sisters two kids and was promised pay and after 6 months NOTHING. Where I'm at there's practically no jobs but for over nights and I don't have anyone who can watch my son over nights. I can't give my son the little things he wants but I make sure he has what he needs when he needs it! Yes I have to swollow my pride and ask for help from time to time but I'll do anything for Parker (my son). I do get government assistance which I never agreed with until I had no other choices. So basically what I"m saying is no I wont be able to put my son thru collage (as of now) and even at two my son does chores because he will have to learn to work for what he wants in life. Things don't come easy or free. He picks up his own messes and as he gets older he will have chores (age appropriate ofcourse)and i'm not lazy! I'm not knocking you for wanting to give your kids what you can but I wish you never made the comment about why someone would have more kids if they can't afford things. Because not all kids are planned (my son wasn't) Yet he is a very happy healthy and AWESOME little boy. Plus statistics show that kids who have to earn an allowance and work for what they want are more happy as adults.... Hard work teaches who you are and shows you your limits in everyday life......

Kimmie

Well I know I am late, but let met tell you, I feel you! I have always planned on sending my kids to college, no matter how many I have. Now having said that we will provide the funds for a bachelors degree in our state at a state school. If they want private college or to go out of state, we will still provide the funds we have prepared for them and they will have to handle the rest with scholarships etc. However, I was meeting with a friend recently and was so surprised when she said she would not be preparing anything for her children's future education. She is a great mom and a sweetheart but she feels that she has not responsibility in this area. It was so weird to me bc she and her hubby struggle, so you would think they would want life to be easier for their kids, but they don't. Go figure. I am like you, I want my kids to have play dates, marry well, be happy, be educated. They have their whole lives to work so I feel that childhood should be a fun time. Of course, my sons will help with chores. Like I will do the laundry and they will get their basket to put away. I will have them keep their bathroom and rooms clean. Now they are babies so I am the cleaner full time!! And I am not the best at it!! But I don't see any reason for them to work their fingers to the bone. I was always itching to work as a kid. The minute I turned 16 I got a job. Before that I babysat all the time. My mom always tried to get me to slow down and enjoy life and she told me I had the rest of my life to work. I wish I would have listened!!! I think you sound like a great mama with a nice balance between childhood fun and incrementally learning responsibility :D

Helene, happiness shouldn't be about doing chores or not. Kids need to learn how to function in the world and it's our job to teach them. They are part of a family, they are not a royal prince or princess. I am surely not here to clean up after them. A family means everyone pitches in together. I don't need to clear my kids' plates from the table or pick up their towels or vacuum their rooms, they are perfectly capable. No, they don't need to be too comfortable or happy every moment of their lives, because that does not prepare them for adulthood. You're doing too much for them. I don't know how old they are, but if you spend all this time making friends for them and they are past preschool age, they won't figure out how to make friends and plans on their own. While I'd like to help my kids with their college educations, I don't feel that I owe them a fully paid college degree. I had to work for mine. I wouldn't worry about them finding "good husbands." I don't think of that at all, it's not my job to marry off my daughter and her marriage is not my ultimate goal for her - but I don't get to set the goals. It IS her life. When do you stop making life so comfortable for them, when in the end, they'll be out in the world and their sense of entitlement will not work out so well!
I am so totally not a helicopter parent.
As for finances, I think most people don't have endless amounts of money. Sure, I'd have loved to have a third and I realized it was not financially feasible for us. But people do struggle. When I had my kids, I was paying $137 a month for family health insurance. Guess what? In January, it goes from $750 to $1,000 a month, we have $45 specialist copays and it's a lot of money - money that I'd rather see go toward college, where my daughter will be in 3 years, but life is not ideal! I certainly don't want to give my kids the idea that it is, or that they are entitled to a life with no demands, even as a child. If you view yourself as being responsible for your kids' happiness, they will view you that way too, and we must learn to make our own happiness and take responsiblilty for our own circumstances, learn how to cope when things are not perfect. They won't learn to cope with life's challenges if you are constantly fixing things for them!

Children can be spoiled both with things and with a privileged lifestyle. I live and grew up in a very wealthy part of the county, don't know where your from but I would say without a doubt the kids with everything given to them and who were not expected to work (chores, job, paying for their own stuff) had a very hard time adjusting to the real world. Not all but many wasted a lot of time after high school figuring things out and realizing that Mom and Dad weren't going to take care of them forever. Most came around eventually but of the people I know who have really made a mess of their lives I am hard pressed to think of one who was not coddled, spoiled and overindulged during childhood.

I think everyone has their own ideas on how to raise their children. I do fun things with my kids, be cheerful and happy, try to create an environment for them to learn, grow, feel safe and have fun, but I also teach them responsibility. Maybe I do it like a lot of other people or maybe I do it differently than most. There are a lot of right ways to do this. Congratulations on raising happy children. =) Thanks for your post.

Wow!, so many questions. First all about the "people who have too many kids and cant afford college question"....WELL, There can be many explanations, fully intending to and falling on hard times. Having a few surprise pregnancies and not opting for abortion. Realizing that being alive without college is exponentially better than not living at all. About the chore thing. LIfe IS chores. Like it or not our days are filled with things we dont want to do, that is if we are not slobs. Ive seen the type of person that grew up doing no chores, they are messy, and someone else (usually the spouse) is doing it for them. This causes many problems. My & year old has chores and i am proud to say that she does. Most of it is taking care of her own stuff, ie cleaning her room, and bathroom, and homework and brushing teeth. I also require her to help with gathering trash, folding towels and putting up dry dishes. As she grows it will get more complicated. Her chores take her about 30 minutes a day.My kids will not grow up putting the burdon of their mess on another person. They are happy, and do many activities, but they will learn responsibility which is part of raising a child.

I also spoil them with material things, they earn them, and those things can and will get taken away if they dont do their chores or are being rude to me my husband or each other. My oldest also gets allowance, a dollar a day for completion of chores,a dollar per every A on her progress and report cards. Unexpected good behavior can erase previous bad behavior. I think these are both real life lessons. As adults we are financially rewarded for our efforts. and We can lose it all if we dont keep it up.

It may be a kids job to be happy, but its a parents job to prepare them for real life AND keep them happy at the same time