Do I Let My Nine Yo Attend Grandpas Funeral?

My personal opinion comes from when I was 11 my grandfather died and I did attend the visitations and the funeral and to this day when I dream of him I see him in the casket. I remember positive things about my grandfather but I still dream about the end. For this reason I would say no.

If your boy wants to go I don't see why not. He's going to be very hurt and mad at you two for not letting him go. He's old enough to make the choice in my opinion. If it's his last memory then so be it. There are worst things in life to remember than someone dead in a casket. I don't think he'll suffer any long term trauma from it. We can't speak for him so let him experience it and see if it truly is his last memory. I think it'll be the last memory for a long time but that'll pass and he'll reflect on times when he was alive. You can prep him before the funeral on what he'll see and discuss his thoughts after the funeral and a week later. You can look at photo's together so it puts other images in his mind. He'll forever remember death but I think it'll be okay.

Hi C.,

At 9 years old, I think it's really up to him. If it were my child, I would encourage him to go to the funeral, but I wouldn't force him. (I would, however, make him go to the luncheon afterwards.)

I was 4 or 5 when a great grandma died, and I saw her open casket. My mom did a good job of preparing me, telling me ahead of time what I would see, and explaining death in general.

Since he has expressed a desire to go to the funeral I would let him go. Do a lot of talking and prepping before and after. Allow him this time to grieve like everyone else. Our culture is so afraid of grief and it is really a natural part of our existence. Let him cry, let him see grandpa in the coffin, let him remember him, let him be thankful for the time they had together, let him say goodbye.

He asked to go, so let him. You'll be surprised on how much kids can handle.
Your son was very close to his Baba and he'll always remember him. He'll be able to see past the man laying in casket and remember him when he was a live.

I dont believe that the last memory of anybody I have been to a funeral for was them layin in the casket. I have taken my kids to every funeral I have ever gone to. I think its closure as well. My son who was 4 for the last funeral (my cousin was killed in a car crash)and he knows now that she is with the angels in heaven. She was my daughters God Mother and there was no way they were not going. This is family. Its very important. I know some people chose to not bring their kids but for me there is no other way.

My children's grandmother died at a very young age a few years ago. My children were around 6 and 8. A couple years before that, their brother was born still when they were 4 and 6. They both went to both funerals. With their brother's, it was closed casket, but my daughter did come into the hospital room and see her brother after he was born. My son was too little to really understand and was in the room, but did not come to close to his brother. Of course he was really freaked out by the fact that I had an iv (which he had once had and was not a fan of) so he really didn't come close to me either and I did not have him stay long. We really just feeled it out for both of them as to how they would react. When their grandmother past away, it was an open casket. They stood up with their cousin at the casket, we brought stuffed animals and pictures they drew and pictures of them that we put in the casket with her. They also had two papas that had past away around and after that time.

I think it truly depends on the child and how you have explained everything to them. When I was pregnant, we found out that our son would probably not survive long, so we started making small steps to explain things to the kids the best we could. We got the book the next place for them and read it to them. We explained that sometimes people can't stay with us here on Earth. That it is best for them to go on to heaven. That it is hard and we miss them, but we will all be together again. Death has been something that they have had to deal with so much in their life, that they understand that it does happen. Our Sat tradition when we lived up north was to go to the cometary to deliver flowers to our brother and grandma.

I think you have to determine how your son will handle it. If he wants to go and you think you can support him, then take that into consideration. The final call will be up to you, as mom, you do know best. I can understand what you are saying, by remembering him the way he was.. which is why it is up to you. But I will let you know, that as my children remember their grandmother they remember how much she loved them, her laugh, and how she would let them try anything and bring them shopping and out to eat. Their brother who they never met alive, they talk only about how he is an angel and what he must be like now almost 7 and what he must like.... not about what it was like when he was born.
My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time.
J.

First of all, my sympathies to you and your family. The passing of any family member or friend is very hard on everyone involved.

My son is 4 1/2 and we have grieved over many people in our lives that have died. I believe we have been to about 12 memorial services so far. Because of my son's age, we only attend the wake service with him. He isn't one to sit still through a church service, but we will get there.

We are a very spiritual and religious family. My son understands death, to the degree that a young child CAN understand it and we talk about life/death openly in our home. I believe that it is VERY important for children to be a part of this final part of life and to share in the grieving. They need this outlet as well and I don't believe that children need to be shielded from death.

Take your son to the service. And realize that his only memory won't be about Bapa lying in a casket. It will be about the laughs they shared, the times they were together, the talks they had. It will give your son closure and help him say goodbye.

Since this will be your boys first service, please sit down with them and talk to them about what they will experience. As others mentioned, the Funeral Directors are good at dealing with kids. They can give you the guidance you need. Also reach out to your friends that can help.

Help your boys understand that it isn't a scary thing, just something that happens to everyone and the person that has left is now in a better place with others that love them.

Good Luck to you.

D. in milwaukee

I'd let him go if he wants to. He doesn't HAVE to look in the casket. I've gone to a few open-casket funerals (including my own Grandpa's) and didn't peek inside.

If he was close to him as you indicated then it is in his best interests to go- Children also need closure to assist in the grieving process- I remember this from a hospice social worker when my grandpa died 17 years ago and my daughter was 6 ys old- She went and she was fine.
Just try to stress that he not sick anymore. He is in a better place. If you are involved in a chuch you may want to speak with your pastor or priest. If not their is always resources available for him through grief counseling. Best wishes to you & your family.

I think ppl need to take their kids to funerals whenever the chance comes up. It helps soooooo much so that it's not so scary and freaky. My daughter weirdly enough loves funerals she's been to tons but never anyone she's close to. I'd rather her go young than be older and never have an experiance and totally freak out. She's 7 years old and is totally cool calm and collective at funerals and loves to go to cemeteries and visit our deceased relative talking to them and bringing the flowers.

My first funeral at 19 years old was my mom's. Not cool, I didn't know how to behave, how to respond etc.

If I were you I'd take your son so he has some closure, you can always take him home if it gets to bad. But better now than go to his funeral later in life and be like me.

I think you should let him go. He seems to need/want that opportunity for closure & it seems very important to him.

I think we shelter our children from death & dying too much - it's a natural part of life & can be explained simply & lovingly at early ages. My 5 year old has understood what it means to go "up in the sky" (his terminology) since he was about 2 years old... maybe younger, I can't really remember when he didn't understand to be honest!

Anyway - I think I went to my first funeral when I was about 9 years old; it was open casket & I did okay all things considered (it was a great-grandfather I was very close to). I didn't get out of the car for the burial in the cemetery, but I still don't - it's just too much for me. If you follow your son's cues to gauge his comfort I think you'll be fine.

Take good care...

There is nothing wrong with taking him. His great-Grandpa was a very important part of his life and your son needs this. It will help him understand that he is truely no longer here.

Nobody likes going to funerals but it does help bring closure and reality to these tough situations. I would even consider bringing your 4 year old. In the future, your younger one may look back and ask why you didn't include him/her in this important part of all your lives....

My husband and I have brought our kids (now ages 3 1/2 and 1 1/2) to every funeral we've been to. It's been a year now since we've been to one but we will continue to take them along in the future. Kids have a way of lightening up the mood and making people smile. You are having this funeral to celebrate a life and both your children can and should be a part of that. Death is a reality and if you don't hide it from them now, it will be easier to explain in future circumstances.

IMHO, let him go. The first funeral I was allowed to attend was my Dads when I was 13. I had no idea what to expect. If you know the funeral director, they are usually really good about explaining things to children. When it was time to go in to see my Dad, the funeral director sat me down and explained what I would see etc. If the funeral home won't do that, then maybe you or your pastor/priest. Also, depending on the funeral home, there is often places to go that you can't see the casket. Let him know its OK to not stay right up by the casket.
My BIL passed almost 2 years ago and both my girls went. They were 3 and 6 at the time. They handled things very well and actually brought smiles to alot of very sad faces.

Please accept my sympathies for the lost of this special member or your family!

This is my personal opinion, so ignore it if you want.

Too many people try to hide death from kids and they don't understand the finality of it. I think it is important to include your 9 year old. He needs the funeral the same way you need it. If you want to keep his last memories of him at Christmas keep reminding your son of that. Sooner or later the casket memories will be just small ones but he'll remember all the good times he had.

The 4 year old I would bring only if he not going to be a distraction for you and anyone else. He wont know what's going on and might understand totally why they need to behave himself and you just need to concentrate on you and your 9 yo.

So sorry for you loss.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

I remember going to my grandma's funeral when I was 7 (my sister was 5 and went, too). I think it was good for both of us to go. I think by 9 years old, kids have a sense of life and death and need to be exposed to such things to realize death is a part of life.

You can leave it up to him if he wants to look in the casket. I remember my sister and I made my grandma a picture and we went up to the casket and put the pictures in there for her.

There are also childrens books that explain death in a way that is understandable to them. Maybe one can be read to him before the funeral?

Overall, I think it'd be good for him to go.