Do I Stay for the Kids or Get Out for the Kids

K., that is a really hard question and only you know what is right. But, I can tell you that I was 12 when my parents divorced and it was extremely tough on my brother and I but, as an adult I am so grateful that they did divorce becuase they are both remarried and are very happy. I realize you need to do what is best for the kids but, you are the one who living that life and sometimes doing what is best for you is the best for them! (Even if they don't think so at the time).
Thinking of you, S.

Hi - I also struggled with that decision but I was so unhappy I had to move on. I am always honest with my kids and they are understanding my reasons for my decision. I also have finally found a wonderful man that is very kind to me and the children and they see what a relationship should be. Meanwhile they see their father in another bad relationship and see the comparison now.

It is not easy as a single Mom but I am much happier now.

K., My Friend,

Hold on tight. This is going to be a bumpy ride. I am gonna tell you, woman to woman, and from recent experience, GET OUT!!!! Sorry. Just want to give you an idea of how serious I am. I was unhappily married once and before that I was just unhappy. I married him because I was Prego AGAIN and thought it was the right thing to do. How niaeve could I be? I am gonna tell you why leaving him was so right and you can apply this information to your situation how you see fit. I'm sure there's so much more to your story than you lead people to know. But one thing I do know is your children know more than you think. My boys were 1+ and 3+ when I decided it was high-time to pack it up. It was a little easier becuase he tried to hurt me so the retraining order gave me that little push I needed because I was SCARED. Didn't know how the heck I was gonna survive on my own. There was a vicious pattern that I was seeing. I saw how his dad treated him mom.(She pretty much deserved it but not the point) I also saw how my ex treated her and talked to her and I was like WOW- that's how he talks to me- and right in front of my kids. Oh Hell No!!!. It got to the point where I would purposely want to be the one to put the boys to bed and OOPS 'fall asleep up there with them'. Ya following me? Not to mention we would fight constantly and he would talk down to me, about me and to my kids. My oldest would come between us and scream, 'We're family-STOP! Please!' That crushed me. I took one look at my husband and put my foot down. I knew right then that my son knew it was that bad even though we tried to PRETEND it was ok. Here's what you should keep in mind. It is your duty as their mom to teach them respect and love. You want them to know what true love is and what it looks lilke so that they don't settle for anything less. They sense there is trouble in paradise. They will think that's what it's all about. Especially that little girl of yours. Would you want those kids to be in a relationship that your in? Didn't think so. Set an example. Struggle over the hump called divorce and start taking care of you from the inside out and you will be more happy and content and your kids will love seeing their mom again, the way she used to be. Somethings are just not meant to be. I went through this without a soul to help me and spent endless nights crying and scared. I'm over that, I have a wonderful man who treats me the way I deserve to be treated and my boys love to see us together because it's comforting to them. My email is ____@____.com you decide to go through with it and you need to build a support group to get you through, count me in. I will be here for you.
Good luck and keep in touch.
H.

Leave for the kids sake and yours as well. It may be hard, but as the children grow older they will thank you for you courage and strength to make good decisions for them. Plus God is always there for you, call on him for guidance and pray hard, he will answer you, HE WILL ANSWER YOU :}

Get out...ASAP....Your son will see that it's for the better....Children have a sense about their parents being happy.....And if you're not happy they know this and reflect it...Once your son sees how much happier you are he'll come around....It sounds like your husband can be abusive at least emotionally.....That is not good for you or the children....Prayers my friend...

Hi K.,

You are the only one that can make a decision like leaving your spouse. I would suggest you go to your pastor or someone for council. Maybe take your 12 year old also. I have been in your shoes an it's not an easy choice. I stayed 20 years. When my youngest was 15, I packed our bags and left. Get christain counciling and ask your husband to go also. God Bless, J.

I so sorry you or any woman for that matter has to go through such a trerrible situation. the thing is, is that your children WILL grow up believing that his ways are the way to act. Of course you can do everything in your power to try to prove otherwise but I believe that the best thing you could do is to seperate them from such behavior. BUT at the same time you have to wonder...if he is aggresive with you what's he going do with those kids when they are visiting him? To me the choice is clear. There is no reason to stay married to someone who is aggresive....my only hope is that he is NOT being aggressive in front of the children. By staying you are teaching your kids that it's ok to be degrading..when in fact it's not OK for ANYONE to degrade ANYONE! Your husband will be teaching your son that it's acceptable to treat woman with disrespect and your daughter will grow up believing it's the one way she should be treated. Please believe me...i grew up in such an environment that was so toxic that I lived most of my teens into my twenties allowing a man to treat me horribly. TAHNK GOD I was strong enough to leave that situation and find a way to overcome those beliefs.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!

Hi K.,
I could never begin to give advice about what you should do. I just want to give my support and tell you that I think I can understand. I've been in my relationship for 7 years and have a 5 month old son...And my relationship is terrible. I feel guilty about staying but at the same time feel just as guilty about giving up and walking away. I just wanted to give my support and offer a prayer to you.

I agree with the others who have said that you should leave. make sure that you have done everything that you can think of. (when I had went through it I was praying quite often for what to do and such) and in the end, I believed I should leave.

I believe we need to stand up for ourselves and our children and do what's right. blessings to you and your children...and dh

oh and just because you leave him, doesn't necessarly mean you need to divorce.

Have you tried family therapy????

Before you make any decision, call a lawyer. Learn what your rights are and how to go about seperating from your husband in terms of the law so that you and the children will benifit best. Make these phone calls when you are alone...and don't discuss the info with your husband or children...

If you decide to seperate from him, you need a plan...a place to go where you know you and the children will be safe...unless your husband is going to be willing to pack up and go himself which might be unlikely.

And what do you mean by he gets AGGRESIVE??? How agressive? If your husband beats on you and the children call the police...report it, press charges. Have all injuries from this treated at the hospital so there are records of his violence. Get an order of protection etc.

Know all abusive behavior will only get worse and that it is a learned behavior so it's likely your children will do the same as they get older. Don't stay in a marriage like this because it's dangerous. Also, unhappy marriage is not good for you or the children.

There are agencies that help battered wives and children. You can find these phone numbers in the front of your local phone book...or ask the police, hospital, clinic or doctor to help you make contact with them....again don't share this information with your husband or children...

Children never want their parents to separate or divorce and when parents do, children tend to blame themselves for it. But with the right support they do adjust.

Once you decide it's best to leave your husband, and begin to take action.... You might want to let who's ever in charge of the school your children attend know what's going on at home. Most schools have counseling that can benefit your children during the process. Also if your husband is violent you might let the school know you don't want their father removing them or picking them up from school..

K., please read the book, Created to Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl. Go to nogreaterjoy.org and you can purchase the book for $15.00. You will hear about others like you and how they dealt with this same issue. The author refers to God's Word throughout the entire book. She did not write this to encourage you to leave or rebel. You will be convicted to love and honor, but you will want to if you take what she has to say to heart. Do not listen to those who tell you to leave. Please, please read this book. It has been a HUGE blessing to me. It really opened my eyes and I have seen so much fruit. You will be amazed at how much God loves you and wants to give you and your family a closeness to Him and to each other. I know you feel like you are weighted down and don't know how to get beyond that depression. Your children are a blessing and need to see you make a positive effort towards you improving your marriage. Please don't get hung up on the anger and think that it's not your responsibility to improve things. You are the one that can right now. I will pray for you. God loves you, and your family. He knows the path ahead, even if you don't.

I had the same struggles in my Marriage.

On April, 2006, we separated... I stayed as long as I did "for the sake of the children" I also filed for a Divorce "for the Sake of the children" We were legally divorced July 12, 2007. My children spend 50% of the time with me and 50% of the time with Dad. I LOVE this and I am so much happier!

You mentioned when your children (or son) I believe you said hears of a pending divorce, he gets upset?

Gotta be frank with you.....here it comes... Why in the world are you discussing, talking about, letting your children overhear, whatever... ADULT ISSUES? DIVORCE is Adult conversation, not children conversation...Immediately seek counseling for your children so that they will be able to cope with the emotional issues that come when parents part...I put my two children in counseling and got some for myself long before I filed for the Divorce. I began preparing my kids for what's to come. I NEVER TOLD MY CHILDREN OR LET THEM HEAR THAT MOMMY IS LEAVING DADDY. They lived in the same house, they saw and lived through the tension and unfortunately heard the Drama...

I just reread what you wrote. Your 12 year old gets upset at the mere mention of Divorce...well my dear STOP MERE MENTIONING DIVORCE TO A 12 YEAR OLD...He is a child who should not be brought into ADULT issues...

You actually think staying in an unhappy marriage is for the sake of the children? I have learned that leaving an unhappy marriage is for the sake of the children...

I don't know where you live, but there are plenty of resources (most FREE) for counseling for children and yourself. My children and I went on the same day at the same location.

Try Partnership with children (downtown Brooklyn, Ny) FREE for the children call Ms. Sherri Yussuf ###-###-####, ask her where you can go for Counseling. Call a young lady by the name of Beena @ ###-###-#### she works for an organization that will direct you for services in obtaining a Divorce (most times for FREE) whoever you call if they say "I cannot help you" ask do you know of someone that can...

Keep in touch, ____@____.com C.

Hi K.,

I think what you really need to ask yourself is, do you want out of this marriage or do you want your marriage to get better? If you think that you would like to work on your marriage, I'd suggest seeing if your husband is willing to do the same and go for counselling. If leaving the marriage is your only option, I would suggest consulting with an attorney before you leave. Make sure that you know everything that is involved and have a plan for everything before you file divorce papers.

My suspicion is that your 12 year old is upset at the notion of divorce either because he thinks if that happens, he will never see his father again, or because he would need to spend time with his father alone.

Good luck

It's always hard for the kids to be torn away from a parent, even if that parent isn't so nice.
I suggest going to counseling with the kids so they can have someone from the outside help them see the light;if he goes, it will be even better. Also explain to them that their father will still be part of their lives. They will probably get more attention from him if you leave; he will be picking them up and taking them to places, he will most likely buy them special occassion gifts on his own (besides yours, which will mean double gifts instead of one from both)
I wish you lots of luck and your faith will pull you through!

Hi K.,

After I read your note, I thought that it was interesting that you mentioned you were in an unhappy marriage and then mention that you like to attend church and do family things...while he does not.

And it made me wonder if church might be a sore issue between you both and may cause him to feel apart from the family... like an outsider?

It is a real hard thing to try to love someone when they don't make it easy to love them. But true love, true Christian love is to love unlovable people.

I am a Christian also and I can't know your situation at all, but I would suggest that you pray and ask God to reveal to you what the true heart matters are.

(Both your heart issues and your husbands.)

Because we can only fix ourselves... you won't be able to change your husband. But you might be able to tweak a few things that may surprise you and make a huge difference in him!

When we pray and ask God for wisdom, He always answers! He loves you so much and wants good things for you and your family.

And your love for your husband that may only come by God's grace alone, might be speaking volumes to your husbands heart.
Could it be possible that he might be fighting internally about it and is unhappy in himself and it comes out to you all?

Because... and this is only my speculation... but you go out to church and have a wonderful time with the kids while he is left to miss out on family time.

Is he looking like the bad guy while you may be perceived as the good guy?

Of course I don't know.. I'm only posing the question.

But God's word does say (1 Corinthians 7:10-16):

"If any brother has a wife who does not believe and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.

But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart, a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace.

For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?"

-----

However, like I said, I don't know your situation and if you are in any harm.. or your children are in any harm, then I think protecting physical needs are of utmost importance first. And then work on the marriage from a safe place.

Seek God and you will find Him. He loves you and wants good things for you.

God's richest blessings to you all.

i am 43 a child of divrced parents. my parents got divorced when i was 17 i spent my childhood years living in yelling cursing screaming and unhappiness. it is sooooo much better for the kids to see love than to see the fighting and resentment. i resent my parents for putting me through that. with all this said i divorced my husband 4 years ago when my daughter was 5. she has accepted and adapted very well she now sees love rather than fighting. my suggestion get out so the kids can learn love and feel safe. good luck with everything

N.

My thoughts are with you sweetie! Do what is best for you and your children... trust your gut! Did you talk to someone at the church, maybe that would help?

i lived in the same life style for 18 years i kept leaving him but he would drag me right back i finally relized that it was not right for me or our children i do hnot beleave any women or child should have to be treated that way you should defentley leave if he is doing thoses things to you and your kids it is not safe or healthey for any of you dont wait like i did it can and will get worse i am praing for you and hope for the best for all off you and there are programs for you out there to help you get away from it hope you geet safe

Hi K.,
I know a lot of this advice is "Easier said than done," and let me first say my prayers are with you in this hard time. Since you are religious, that is the best thing. As you know God is your priority, then it's your spouse. He's not being the best spouse at all to you, but as a strong woman and mother you need to be even stronger for your kids. Divorce makes things worse for the family, especially your kids, you need to talk to them about your husbands behavior, let them know that Daddy needs prayers, that you love him, but obviously not the way he's acting. And very calmly tell your husband the same. I know this is hard, but you need to be patient, maybe ask your husband, what's the matter? Stress on a man is very hard, they can't cry and run to their friends for advice, they hold it in, and vent to those around him. Ask if he needs time alone, maybe takes the kids and go to Grandma's house for a visit. You don't need to tell anyone your personal business, your husband may be embarrassed, but both just need breathing room to recoop. But something is really wrong with your husband, and you need to get to the bottom of it. Just ask him a couple of questions, don't push, but be loving, and if he's a jerk back, kindly walk away. Nothing is more effective than "killing with kindness." He will feel awful for receiving such a loving wife and being a jerk in return. Hopefully this helps, also please don't mention Divorce to the kids, it makes their life seem so Unsecure. Let them know they have a home, with mom and dad, and show them how to handle such a "rough situation"...lovingly. They will learn so much from this experience, the way YOU handle it. Take care K. and God Bless you and your family.
D.

Have you thoguht about counceling? Maybe it is worth a try first if he is willing. I am a mother of one. My daughter was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at 10 months old and needed and still needs constant bloods sugar testing and up to six injections of insulin a day. We live in constant fear of low blood sugars which could mean death, brain damage or diabetic coma so we have to test her in the middle of the night. It put a great strain on our marriage and my husband became very bitter and unbearable for a long time to the point where I almost left him. But through counceling and eventually a mild antidepressant he has turned around and we now just rejoice that our daughter now 5 is doing so well and we bless the scientists and doctors for all the wonder medicines and technology that keeps her healthy. It took time and patience but it was well worth it. I will pray for you and your family. But my advice, it he is not willing to try and get some help you are in a verbally abusive relationship and that is not healthy for you or the children. And honestly life would be better without that even though it may be painful at first. My heart goes out to you. God Bless.

be true to yourself. your kids will appreciate that when they get older and not question why you stayed all those years like i have asked my mother when i was old enough. kids can smell out unhappiness. it makes for bad teenagers. and you're also setting a great example of it being okay to just settle for the less than mediocre.

This is a difficult one because everyone deserves to be happy, you, your husband and the kids. I have been where you are and a friend recommended we attend a retrouvaille weekend before making any final decisions. Check out their website www.retrouvaille.org
This program saved my marriage, that was 2 yrs ago. This group is non-profit and I have no stake in it, I merely believe every couple should give it one last try for your marriage sake and the kids. If you have any questions please feel to email me.

Hi K.

I will pray for you. I advise that you pray without ceasing. Pray for all the little things because the little rocks make up or support the bigger ones. The mountain will come down. I've been there and the Lord is always faithful.

The change came when I changed, more about that later.

Your husband is a tough one but not beyond the hand of the Lord! My husband was a "good man", but by no means perfect and remember there is no perfect man. I didn't allow my husband to have the last word about matters, I didn't let him scold my sons when they got to be teenagers. I am of the opinion that the teen years are the most important for any child, male or female. Yelling isn't the worst thing that he could do, and surely isn't the best example for your children to see especially if foul language is included. Pray and see if the Lord gives you the opportunity to speak to your husband about effective presentation. Maybe you'll get the opportunity to share with him how keeping "your head on straight" gets the message across clearer and people remember what was said. When anyone screams and especially uses foul language the only thing that anyone remembers is the anger and the language, not what the issue was that brought it all on.

When I got married, 38 years ago, I wanted to prove myself to my husband and to anyone else that might notice. I tried to carry the load of the home. In what ways my mother-in-law hadn't spoiled my husband I did. The change had to take place in me first and since I had stepped to the plate to take charge, my husband had let me and enjoyed the outcome. I took my sons to church myself, I went on vacation by myself with my sons, etc., etc. It seems to me I started to smarten up about the same time my sons were about the same age as yours.

I had to learn about what is called boundaries. Example if I come to your house and park myself in your front yard and refuse to move, I've invaded your boundaries. If you let me stay on your front lawn and do what ever I want, whose fault is it? Yes, mine partly because I've trespassed but if you don't do something about it, maybe in time I can own your front yard and expand from there. Who knows if this conduct is allowed to continue, I can ask to use your bathroom, take a shower or bath and possibly we could become friends. See how the manipulation can creep in also?

The book "Boundaries in Marriage" is a Christian book. Click here to see some new or used books on Amazon.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0310243149/ref=pd_...

I saw one book for $7.17 and they went up from there.

I also heard a teaching from Joyce Meyers which dealt with pressing in and pressing on. We have to do that all through out life like it or not.

I'm glad that I didn't divorce my husband although I had gotten to the point that I thought that would be the case in 1983.

Pray first about everything. I try to and fail to many times. I know when I pray even about a conversation I want to have with my husband it all seems to go better and he seems to be more receptive.

D. C

It's Sunday morning and I am listening to Charles Stanley and he is talking about rejection. There is a difference between rejecting how someone acts and rejecting the person.
Romans 15:7
Therefore, accept one another just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God.

Well in My faith we have resources we use to try and repair our marriages,

I certainly don't think what your describing is enough to end a marriage however, I think you need to really dig deep and work at it,

http://www.bahai.us/strong-marriage

Ms. Alexander and her husband offer couples a variety of communications exercises in their workshops and books, which include Marriage Can Be Forever – Preparation Counts!, Can We Dance? Learning the Steps for a Fulfilling Relationship and Pure Gold: Encouraging Character Qualities in Marriage. And if you need a break from the serious side of relationship and marriage work, she offers the lighter side with a new cartoon book, A Perfectly Funny Marriage.

http://www.greenacre.org/

You actually just missed a really Good workshop for marriage.

I don't think they're having another one till next year.

However you could order the material, and host a Devotional /Study circle at your home

This could be very beneficial and helpful

Good luck

M

be wary of others who say get out- it has to be what is best for you, lots of people can say that but it is not so easy.

Only you can decide if you should leave or if you should stay. No one should stay in an abusive relationship, but no one knows the whole story but you and your husband. I would suggest counseling for you and your kids and your husband. Two very good books you should read are "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson and "The Divorce Remedy" by Michelle Weiner-Davis. Would he be willing to go to counseling? Have you tried talking to him about his behavior? Would he be willing to go to parenting classes? Has your husband always been like this? If not, he may be going through a life stage. If you think your husband may be depressed, another great book is "Depression Fallout" by Anne Sheffield.

This is a difficult situation but I do not believe divorce is the answer unless your husband is unwilling to work on the marriage. Marriages take work by both parties.

I wish you and your children all the best in this very difficult situation.

just hearing that he is cursing around the kids (regardless of them being older, it's still at them and their mother) and ESPECIALLY hearing that he's getting aggressive, i would have to say LEAVE! if you have to talk to your son and explain it all to him, then do so....maybe if you talk to your family and have them try to explain to him (maybe an older cousin, or a male figure in your family, or a male friend) MAYBE it will be easier for him to understand why it's so important that you have to leave and take them with you, but also make sure that you explain that just because you're all leaving it doesn't mean he'll never see daddy again, just that he's got to see him only at certain times. i wish you the best of luck in this situation, it's a hard on, but you have to be strong and do what's right for YOU AND your children, and NOT worry about your husband at all. and that kind of behavior is not only not right for your children to grow up around and see on a daily basis, but it's also not right for you to have to put up with it either!

As a child of divorce, I can only encourage you to get out. Children of happy parents are happiest. Having my parents split up was terribly hard, but looking back the smartest thing they ever did, for us and for them. I am grateful that they seperated amicably, though it sounds like that may be hard in your situation.
Please take care of yourself so you can be strong for your children. If that means getting out of your marriage, then that is the step you must take.

It's never healthy for kids to grow up in a negative atmosphere. It's more harm than good to stay in an unhappy relationship that is going to end up having a longterm effect on your kids. Although your son may be upset at first, he will know that you love him and did what was best for your kids. You might want to also consider relationship couseling if you haven't tried that yet. However, if your relationship hasn't improved by now, it's possible that it never will. Best wishes to you and your family.

Hi K.. Staying together because of the kids is the wrong thing to do. The children will sense that tension and your sadness and it will also effect them negatively. I have a 6 yr. old son and tried to stay with his father for "family" reasons. In the end, I left anyway. Yes, it's hard for my son to understand, but in the end, the positive will far outweigh the negative that you now have. I hope that makes sense to you and I hope I was able to help, even if it was a little bit. My father always told me that leopards do not change their spots. People change because they want to. So if this is an ongoing pattern in your home, I can only pray that it doesn't get worse. Best of luck to you and your family. Take care.
Jess

Hi K.: I'm sorry for your troubles. I don't really have any advise as to leaving or not, but I do think you should not talk about these things with or in front of you son. You are worried and stressed enough, its not fair for your son to have to go through it with you. You are an adult with adult emotions, he is not. Good luck and God Bless.

IMO you should leave for your children and more importantly for YOURSELF. You shouldn't have to put up with his behaviour that you describe and you are right it is setting up your children for similar patterns later in their lives.

I know that leaving is usually easier said than done. Please try and get yourself some support from friends and family if you can. If not try womens support groups in your area as it will help you to have people to lean on.

My parents divorced when I was 14yrs. Yes I was upset at first BUT I soon realised that everyone was happier and because of that life was better. I'm sure your son gets upset when Daddy shouts at Mummy too, maybe you just don't see it as much?

I am guessing it must be pretty bad for you to even be thinking about this given your background. Be brave and be strong and you will get through and find yourself with 2 happier children....and they will have a happier mummy...

*hugs*
R.

stay for the kids is never good you put more on the kids. my parents are divorce and we are all fine. When you do decide put your kids in counciling. My father has been divorce thrre times ( good track record right) that is what we did.

I would get out of the marriage if you can. If you have a place to go.The children don"t need to be a part of this marriage that is going bad. I wouldn"t take abusive from any one you deserve more and so do the children. You can always reconcile with you husband later if he gets help for his anger. You are only teaching the children that this is how a man should be and exspecially for your son this is not the way it should be or later in life when he marries he will be the same way. Tell your kids you are thinking of them and it is not fair the way you are all being treated. It is a good idea that you are active in the church and God will help you along. Good Luck Ann

Sounds to me you have already answered your own question. We have a friend that left her husband after many years to show her children that she could be strong on her own and show them that life has hard choices but some are for the better. It's easier said than done so don't do it alone, get the help and support you need from family, friends and your church. Best of luck.

You and your family are in my prayers. I was in the same situation. I let me husband know that we needed to get help and in order for us to move forward it was one of the options. We got a great marriage counselor and a year later we are closer than before, we stop the yelling and we go out on a date at least once during the week to spend time together. Be the wife that God calls you to be, but He knows for you not to be in harms way. Seek advise form your rleigious leader and other women. My best to you.

Dear K. - you really should never stay for the kids; you should LEAVE for the kids and for yourself. I am divorced for 14 years now and when I first thought "I can't do this anymore"; I thought my world was falling apart - and I'm the one who wanted the divorce. It was hard but believe me,you will heal and so will the kids. They grow up and they understand. I have a 24 year old daughter and a 21 year old son and they are AWESOME. Just keep your kids your focus and you will go in the right direction. I have this great stay-at-home opportunity for you and would love to share it with you. If you are interested in financial freedom and "making it on your own" and being there for the kids as well, please email me @ ____@____.com will change your life!

Take care and get out ASAP. Your children should not have to listen to foul language and be yelled at for no reason! That's more damaging than divorce. Anticipating the split is worse than after the split - because after the divorce everyone will start getting used to the way "it will be" instead of worrying about what's going to happen and how will it be and so on!

T. M

K.,

I would say pray on it. Will he go to therapy? Is there any recognition on his part that his behavior is hurting you and your kids? If he can accept that things need to change I would say that there is hope. If he refuses family and/or couples therapy then you have a different situation.

I got out of my 18 year marrage when I was 40, we were high school sweethearts and we are the worst enemies. My advice to you is to WORK IT OUT -- you can do it. Get counseling, talk to friends and family (that's where I went wrong, I talked to no one). Looking back now, 7 years later, and believe me I love my new life, house, twin boys, great soulmate, etc., but looking back now, I would not have left. Because, my children from my first marrage will have nothing to do with me, my twins or my life. You've been together forever, WORK IT OUT. Believe me, STAY, not only for the children's sake, but for your sake. If the foul language and aggressive behavior is something new, you can stop it, if you've dealt with it your entire marrage, then it's a bit harder. Good Luck to you, Stay together for everyone's sake.

K.,

I had the same situation, except my twins are just 16 months old. They were tense, miserable, crying all the time, & never happy when my ex & I were together. I decided divorce was the best way to go because I didn't want my kids growing up in a home with two unhappy parents that fight all the time & are miserable around each other. I didn't want them to think that was how a guy should treat a lady, etc. My ex & I get along much better now that we're in the throes of a divorce. Yeah, it sucks to raise two kids on your own. But, if your kids are tense when you guys are together as opposed to when you're out alone w/ the kids, I honestly think you should go. This has to be your decision. Don't let me or anyone else talk you into anything. Maybe start with just a trial separation. If you do go through with a divorce, read a book called He Had It Coming...How to Ousmart Your Husband & Win Your Divorce by Stacy Schneider, Esq. It's really good & easy to read.

Good Luck,
A. S

Hi K.,

I feel your pain. I am 40 years old with a 2 year old son, and I recently left my husband. He was a mental abuser and a mentally manipulative individual -- I did not see this until I left, plus, he was cheating on me for YEARS, and I did not know it until last year.

I know your son begs you to stay but it is unhealthy for your children to witness this behavior, and it is unhealthy for them to experience your stress. Leave for your own health and sanity, you need to stay strong for them, and you can't in that situation.

The most important thing you can do for your son, after you make the decision to leave, is to leave the lines of communication open -- by that I mean, do not ignore what your son is going through, talk to him about it, and reassure him that you love him just as much as you always did, this is NOT his or his sister's fault, it's just that you and his father just can't live together anymore. Also, if you see his behavior changing radically, professional help is always an option.

In the Bronx County Courthouse there is a class available to parents who are getting divorced called "Assisting children through transition" -- ACT classes. I recommend it highly, it teaches you how to navigate the muddy waters of raising children of divorce. It was given on 2 consecutive Wednesday evenings from 6 to 9 p.m., and worth every minute of my time. If you decide to go through with leaving your husband, for your children's sake, take that class, I know it is available in the other boroughs as well, because when I was signing up for it they were giving me all the options of when the class is given, and I remember them mentioning Queens, so I would have to assume all boroughs offer it...

Anyway, I wish you much luck, it is a VERY hard thing to go through, and I guarantee you it will get worse before it gets better, but it DOES get better. Please feel free to email me if you want to talk about it. I am living it RIGHT NOW.

All my best,
D.

From what you write, your husband is verbally abusive to you and your children. This is not a good enviornment for any of you. Have you seeked out counselling from your church or professional? If you love him, I would think that you may want to consider that first. If the love is gone and you no longer have interest, then seek a legal seperation. As we all know, there are two sides to every story, so you should probably work on those things that you need help with and go on with you life. Who knows, by you working on things that may irritate him, it may inspire him to be a more loving attentive person. Give it a try, you have nothing to lose.

Hi K.,

My advice is to LEAVE FOR THE KIDS SAKE. As Dr. Phil would say, "it's better for children to be from a broken home than live in an unhappy one".

Because no matter how young children are, they KNOW what is really going on. The kids see you staying in a marriage where you are unhappy and see you 'putting up with it'. That causes them to not have the respect for you that they should.

Best to move on while you are young and let you and your husband find new spouses with whom you are more compatible. Your children may not be happy with your decision initially, but they WILL thank you in the long run.

I wish you the very best! I'll be thinking of you and hoping that you made the best decision for you and your precious family.

"MJ"

Dear K. M,

Do keep your family together. Pray for your husband and encourage your children to pray for him also.

Read the Bible together, pray at all times together, starting with meal times. Thank God for all his blessings.

God will answer your prayers

Hi K., I will surely pray for you and your children! I have been where you are. I had 3 children, 9,8,and7 when I left my husband. It was not easy but I also did not like what the kids were seeing and learning and feeling when he was around. I was miserable and we were all suffering. Years later I can tell you it was the best thing I ever did. Six years later I met a wonderful man who loved my kids and they loved him. We had 2 more together. Try to explain this to your son and do what your heart tells you. All my best, Grandma Mary

It is easy for someone on the outside to say "leave" but you have to do what is best for your children and YOU. Foul language and an agressive behavior is not acceptable. You are models for your children and they will pick up this behavior. It is only my oppinion but by leaving your giving your children a shot at a healthy future away from his violent temper! I will pray for you and your family.

-S.
Single mom of a beautiful 2 yr old girl.

As the daughter of a single mom (and now a mom of 2 myself), my advice would be to leave. Kids, no matter what age, are better off with one healthy parent then living in a family of turmoil, tension and aggression.

As a child of an only parent, my life was a bit different from some of the other friends, but my mother made the difficult choice to leave my dad and for that I am thankful. I did not to spend my whole childhood watching my parents co-existing and thinking that is normal. Kids also watch you (the parents) on how to behave and what is acceptable. It is up to you to make a change that although may be difficult for some time, will positively impact your childrens opinion of you and what a healthy relationship is.

I will pray for you and your family. Please find strength in any decision you make.

K.,

There are a lot of things you need to think about.

1) Have you tried counseling either alone or together? Have you talked to your husband about his behavior? When/If you do, is he receptive or does he just get angry with you for saying something?

2) Don't let anyone try to guilt you into leaving OR staying. The people who say how as a Christian you are supposed to be your husdband's helper are focusing on the part of the Bible people like to refer to about it being wrong to divorce. I once heard a pastor counter that thought saying people need to read the whole passage because it talks about how the husband is supposed to be the head of the house behaving in a Christ-like way. If he is NOT behaving that way (is being abusive in some way, not being faithful, etc.), that changes things.

3) Your children WILL learn from their environment. My husband can be loud and quick and I am trying to help him calm it down. He is trying but it isn't easy for him. One of the things that helped to start to put him in the right direction was when he started hearing our oldest speak to his younger brother and even us the same way. He has begun raising his voice and being more quick tempered now as well.

I have to admit I would be concerned about any visitation time he had alone with the children. :(

If you haven't tried counseling, I would start there first. A counselor once told my husband and me that it is a very important first step and it is important to focus on what you can improve about YOURSELF, not the other person. She said that by making even the slightest improvement to yourself, you would be surprised the improvements in your relationship and spouse that will just fall into place on their own. If it doesn't work out and you end up going your separate ways, by making those improvements to yourself you will be less inclined to find yourself attracted to the same kind of person next time.

A couple of books you could look into are Divorce Busting and Relationship Rescue. I've heard good things about both. The first one was actually suggested by our counselor.

I wish you the best.

L.

http://APerfectMoment.MyArbonne.com

Hey K.,
You should get out for yourself. You cannot worry about the kids at this moment,your safety and the children's safety is top priority right now. Please explain to your children that you will always be their mom and your husband will always be their dad, but the two of you cannot be together. They are at an age where they should be able to understand this. Let them know that the both of you love them and it is not their fault that you are thinking of separating. I wish the best whatever you decide to do.

Hi K.,
My personal OPINION is if you are not happy leave. I personally tried that, my ex husband and I split 2 and a half yrs ago. I moved out w/ kids, and figured that was it. He kept begging for another chance, he would change, blah blah. Well, I left him AGAIN this past new years. Nothing changed. My ex would do much of the same things that your husband does. He was not invested in family time, preferring to do things by himself, he would never discipline (usually he would tattle so I could deal with it)if he did try to discipline he would do nothing except yell, scream and swear at the kids. If I tried to step in he would yell at me and then disrespect me while my boys were right there. (they are 5 and 7 now) Now that he is not living with us my boys are calmer, more well behaved than before, and yes they do miss their dad a lot, I think that they are much better off this way. You need to ask yourself if you would ever want your son to do that to his wife, or if you want to see your daughter in the same situation. I know it will be hard for everyone, but you have to think about the long term as well as the short term. This is not an easy choice to make, I know, mine took me years, but it can be done. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out the best for you and your kids. Good luck.

Hi K.,

I not only sympathize but completely understand your dilemma. I can only say that I have been fighting this inner battle for over three years and my now 13 year-old often says "Why don't you just get a divorce?". My 11 year-old son is more sensitive and appears to want to please both of us. I staopped going on faily vacations with my hubby and kids telling him I could no longer go play family, especially after everything we have gone through since our son died. I have been told I sound different on the phone when my husband is home. I know I told my mother to consider one question when wondering what the right thing is to do, "Would you like M(my daughter) to learn by my example and stay in a very unhappy and negative situation?" I am scared to death about the process and do not want my kids moved from their friends and school. I also have to worry about my older child playing one against the other and threatening to choose one over the other. I want 50/50 custody and have no desire to keep hubby from the kids. We already lost our son and our marriage. Hope this helps. If you want to write to another confused mom in hell- ____@____.com

Personally...I would leave...and have. God didn't want me in the relationship I was in but I listened to false teachers and "friends" instead.

The Bible has really good scriptures on being evenly yoked. 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 and another area of interest is 1 Corinthians 7:12-16.

Hope this helped...someone.

A Secret Scrolls message from Rhonda Byrne
Creator of The Secret

Did you know that if your life was not changing, you would not exist?

Our Universe and everything in it is continually changing, because our Universe is made of energy. Energy can only exist if it is in motion and changing. If energy stopped being in motion, our entire Universe and all Life would vanish. Our lives are also energy, and therefore they too must always be in motion and continue to change. You cannot stop the motion and change in your life, and nor would you want to. The changing nature of energy gives us Life. It causes Life to grow and causes us to grow.

And yet when there is a big change of energy which affects our lives, we often label it as bad, and cause ourselves sorrow, pain, and suffering by resisting the change. But you always have a choice. In the Universe there is never just one way. You are never trapped with no way out, no matter what has occurred. There are two paths available to you in every circumstance and moment in your life. The two paths are the positive and the negative, and YOU are the one who chooses which path you will take.

You have the power to transform negative change into positive, but you cannot do it by resisting the change. Resisting the change is focusing on the negative and it is choosing the negative path, which brings with it even more negativity, more pain, and misery.

To transform the negative into positive, you must choose the positive path and command that this changing energy transforms into millions of blessings that pour down on you and everyone involved. Command the changing energy to bring unlimited good and positivity. Know and believe in your heart that as you command it, it must be done.

And then the day will come in the not too distant future, when you will look back and see all the blessings that you brought into this world through you and change.

Never ever stay for the kids. That is one of the mistakes most people make. If you are unhappy than be honest and end it. Kids will heal. They are stronger than most parents give them credit for. The big thing is to never ever forget no matter what happens they are your children too. Stay close and do,love and play with them every chance, every minute, everyday you can. They will see just because mom and dad are not together does not mean they still are not cared, loved and included as well.

I have a friend who is constantly telling me I should have stayed with my kids father for the kids. (we were together for 7 years, had 2 kids, never married.) It was the hardest thing I have ever done. And the Best. Not only does he value the kids more, I am happy too. we have 50/50 custody and he completely values their time together, when before, he took them (and me) for granted.
But, I have ME back. I am a better mother because I am happy and have regained my sense of self. I am confident, relaxed, and laugh out loud so often! Sure, there are the usual struggles of being a single parent. But I wouldn't change it for the world! My girls see that I am a strong woman--not to be read "overbearing"--and they see the difference in me and my relationship with my new boyfriend of almost 6 months. They see the mutual respect and what a loving relationship looks like. It was very important for me to SHOW my girls that MEN do NOT run the world, They only think they do. My bf and I go to church every week and are fairly active in the church. We became members just last month. One of my concerns for the pastor, was about the adultry issue. If a man is with a divorced woman, they are both committing adultry. I was very concerned about where the church stood on that. He explained that sometimes divorce is a blessing. I believe it was. (again, we were not married, but might as well have been) Bill and I are so happy. We both believe we have found "the one". :) My girls love him, and he loves them. The girls ask about step-relationships: step-mom, step-dad, step-sisters, etc. I have all that, and love the steps and the "halfs" all the same.
I just wanted to say that I got out for the kids. And, am living the life I always dreamed of: a happy one. The dynamics are a little different. My dream didn't include me being a single parent, but God knows more than I do. Hope this helps, C.!