Do I Tell My Son's Dad He Can't See Him Anymore?

If I were in your shoes, I don't think I would tell dad that he couldn't see his son. I think that might come back to bite you in the future. When your son sees his dad and asks why he never visited - he'll say "Your mom told me not to". It won't matter what your explanation is for that, it will be your fault in both of their eyes.

I know it is really hard for you and for your son to have a dad like this. But let him dig his own hole. And let your son decide for himself how the relationship should go. All you can do is be supportive and keep doing what you are doing.

Keep up the good work mama. It really breaks my heart to hear these type of stories. I can't imagine not wanting to spend time with my own flesh and blood. So sad :-(

I don't think you have to forbid him seeing your son.
Your ex is kind of doing that on his own without any help from you.
It's your ex's loss and his 'things to do' are more important to him than his son.
I think a Big Brothers program for your son would be great.
There are better role models out there than some will-o-the-wisp father who can't be bothered to visit and really participate in his child s life.

It will be the toughest thing ever, but let him see him still when he does come around. Don't bad mouth dad to your son. As your son gets older he will see how his dad treats him and I am sure will make his own decisions regarding whether or not he wants to see his father. You don't want your son to look at you as the bad guy that took his dad away. Be there to support him and pick up the pieces when he is hurt. It is hard and not fair but you want to show your son the correct way a parent should act....do that by example, your ex will show him the wrong way to parent.

This is just my opinion so take it for what it is worth. I get your concerns and you are in a tough place. I have been blessed to watch how, with grace and dignity, two of my closest female friends (that both have adult children now) handled something very similar.

Both made sure when their child(rens) father wanted to visit, both woman did nothing to interfere. Both fathers went in and out of the kids' lives. Both women allowed their kids to experience and develop a relationship with their father regardless of the fact that it wasn't what they wanted for their kids. But it was all the men could provide. As the kids aged, they were very grateful they had some relationship with their fathers and the kids and the mothers all knew that the mothers did nothing to try and control or interfere with the situation. The kids are very well adjusted and know who their fathers are and who they are not. And they did that all on their own without being directed by their mothers.

Who we may want our kids' fathers to be is not always who they are or can be. My opinion is to continue to let him visit when he wants and with whatever abilities he brings. It is hard but if he doesn't want to watch a movie with your son, then that is his choice, and his loss. And the most we can do as mothers is to be a place of safety and reason when the questions or tears come up. It is a good way to help teach the lesson to our kids that we can't control what others think, feel or how they act. And then we can watch that movie with our kids for the 100th time, because we can, because we do have that ability, and because we get it.

I have a smart 6 year old (as well as a 2 and 3 year old) that also knows what is going on and I have had to let my kids' father be who he is because that is all he can be right now. When he doesn't call for days on end or doesn't review the art from school, or bribes them with video games or candy, I now can step back and know that anything I do to try and fix it or make it better is just delaying the inevitable because their father will always be who he is and they will eventually need to learn and accept it, just as I have had to do.

Good luck.
D.

I went through something similar with my son's father. He has unlimited visitation with 24 hour notice....so he would tell me he was going to come visit on a Sunday afternoon. I would tell my son - he would bounce off the walls with excitement - Father would be a no show. I spent the rest of the day trying to console an upset toddler. I just stopped telling him when Dad was coming over - so every visit became a surprise for my son. It was easier and his little heart didn't break anymore.

Fast forward 12 years, my son is now 14, and really doesn't want anything to do with his Dad. He was in and out of my son's life so often that my son learned not to rely on him nor, honestly, believe anything he said. Dad blew off birthday 13 and Christmas 12 and 13 and that pretty much did it for my son.

BUT - through the years, I have spent copious amounts of time trying to facilitate a relationship between the two of them thinking that it would be better for my son to have a partially involved father than no father at all.

I was wrong. I stopped facilitating and let the burden of the relationship fall on the father. Kept an open line of communication with my son about his thoughts and feelings regarding his Dad and ensured that he realized that it was not his fault that Dad just was not a Dad. When he was 11 we visited a therapist to reinforce this.

At 14, he is well adjusted, understands that Dad is just not up to par. Doesn't feel to blame for it. Nor do I feel to blame.

Looking back I have often thought it all would have been easier had I just cut his father out of life completely - but, I refused to be the one to sever the chance of a father relationship for my son. As he got older he was able to see his Father as a man (and he does have some good qualities) and, with maturity, able to reconcile what he wants from a Father vs what his Father is able to give.

So let the visits continue - maybe don't tell your son in advance so he will not be disappointed when Dad doesn't show up. Teach your son that Dads are people and make mistakes and sometimes just can't be there. Teach him what a Father should be - my son has a completely different view of what a Father should be than what his Father is. Don't denigrate his Father to him - never say anything negative about him in front of your son...no matter how good it feels it is counterproductive.

It's a tough road, and sometimes a seemingly endless one - but with consistent love and conversations with you, your son will grow into a mature, well adjusted young man.

Good Luck and God Bless.

Sounds a lot like my father when I was growing up. My father would call and say he was coming and we would get really excited and pack our bags only to be waiting and waiting and he would come. He would always have a new girlfriend with children that seemed to take priority over me and my brother. After many 21 years of constantly being dissapointed I realized he would never change and I personally stopped talking to him.

I think that it is important to allow your child to make his own decision about whether or not to see his father. He sounds like a smart kid and children are not as nieve as we think. I think it will be worse if you just cut ties because then your son will always wonder "what if?" and may take the blame out on you for not allowing him to see his father. Its a long and painful process but just talk to your son and be supportive.

It sounds like your ex has already handled this for you-don't contact him-you're both better off without him. Reassure your son that it is not his fault-dad just has problems that he has not been able to come to terms with-because he has not made the effort-all problems have a solution-if you try.

Your son knows his daddy is a creep and not a good dad. But its better than no dad. At this age I would not change anything. His dad doesn't see him very often anyway, no sense in making it never. Then he would be able to tell your son, "I wanted to see you, but your mom wouldn't let me." Then you would be the bad guy keeping your son from his father. When your son gets older he may decide not to see his dad anymore, but until then keep the supervised visits.

I can't really speak to the visitation thing - that's just awful. I recommend seeing if you can get your son involved in "Big Brothers/Big Sisters" so he can have a GOOD male role model in his life. I have a friend who's alcaholic husband died when their son was 3 - different situation, but she got in touch with Big Brothers when her son was about 5-6 and it was a very positive thing for the family. Good luck!

If you want to stop vistitation alltogether you have to go through the Family Court, even better if you can get the same judge that ordered visitation in the first place. If you just cut off the visits you are in contempt of the court order and does not look good on your part. It is a pain in the neck to do but the only real legal way. Good luck.

If you elect to have his visitation rights terminated then you will have to explain that to your son as well, so you are kind of "stuck" here.

I don't really know what I would do in your situation, but I can suggest that you wait a year or so and ask your son what he thinks. While it may seem to you that he isn't benefiting from the contact, he may be more upset and more disillusioned by having dad out of the picture altogether.

For now, you can explain to your son that his father has made a lot of choices in his life that are not good choices. Because of those choices he is only allowed to see him at your house. Daddy doesn't come here very much, but that you hope your son enjoys the time they spend together when he's there.

This is a really tough situation and if he was younger, I would say "cut ties and move on", but he knows dad and remembers dad which makes it much more difficult.

I don't think you should cut him off...it doesn't seem like it would help. It's already a crappy situation, unforutnately, and doing that will only make it worse...besides, will it really work? If his dad already comes and goes as he pleases and has no qualms about breaking promises, is he really going to adhere to this new "rule"? I doubt it. I think you should try and have an open dialouge with your son about his dad and let him know that he can talk to you about his feelings, etc. It sounds like you're doing the best you can with the situation and it must be heartbreaking.

Unless you're planning on going back to court to ask to have the visitation order changed, it's not up to you to deny him visitation. And no, the court won't automatically do away with visitation rights just because he hasn't used them consistantly.

As hard as it is, I think you need to let your son see his dad. I know your meaning well....as your the one to pick up the pieces. But one day your son is going to get older and if your sons dad would be able to give him the excuse "your mom cut off visitations" as the reason why he was such a cruddy dad. And I'm sure you don't want that.

Best wishes to you and your son!

Just wanted to send you hugs. It's heartbreaking. I have NO idea what I would do if we were actually divorced... because I'm in the same situation but married/ living with kiddo's father. (Some weeks/months dad is home 10 hours a week when kiddo is awake, others he's only home for 3 or 4 hours... and it's 80/20 during those 4-10 on whether he'll be totally checked out "Leave me alone" or "Wanna wrestle?"). About a year ago I quit trying to facilitate daddy-time, so it's largely vanished. His dad pops in and out of his life (and in and out of moods), and kiddo spends more time WITH any of his 4 uncles than with his dad (his uncles rock... amazing men). At 8, kiddo is getting to the point where he would prefer NOT to be with his father about half the time he has the opportunity (a real first), and the other half still idolizes him.

Why on earth doesn't "What's Best In the Long Run" come in manual form? Sheesh. Making this stuff up as we go along is making me crosseyed!

I'm currently following Leslie B's general outline, and hoping my son -like hers- can come out okay/ better than okay.

So big big hugs to you. I don't think there's ever a "right" answer... just what is right at the time with what we've got.

I'm sorry your son has to go through this and you watch. However, I don't feel like you should be the one to stop it. I'm sure he'll turn it around that he would have been there but mommy didn't want me to see you.
You are a great mother and time will reveal to your son how great you are.
Continue to watch all those cartoons with him, hold him close and thank the Good Lord above for giving you such a blessing. Things could always be worse, count your blessings! More are to come!!!

Don't worry, be broke the daddy/role model rule when he divorced and left, so as for your son getting a bad example, that already messed it up.

As for your son seeing his dad, this is all he has (the little bit of visitation rights) no matter how bad his dad uses it.

The consequences of his behavior is on your ex/his dad so don't deprive your son of interraction with his father just because you don't think he is doing a good job. He doesn't have a relationship with your son, so of course he has no tolerance for a kid show with him.

Leave the situation or decision of him not being a good dad on him, you just try to make the best of it while he is there and place your son among better role models.