Do You Find This Rude or Just Being Straight with a Person?

I would just say, "I think we need to take care of business at the party place. It's going to be a long, over-loaded day for us, so we plan on napping, re-charging, re-energizing and a little quiet family time after the party. Not to mention the dog is shedding like a banshee, which is the reason we're doing the party at XYZ in the first place. Glad you can make it to the party. See you there at 2:00!"

Just suggest to meet elsewhere. Tell them you have a dog and you're concerned about their over-sensitivity to allergens.

Offer to have them over for a cleaning party--wherein they show you the APPROPRIATE way to clean vents and clean carpets! :D (I'm totally joking! But I appreciate some of the responses that involve truly caring for them and saying something to the effect of, "But I wouldn't want you to get sick!" and see what happens. Good luck!)

We would love to have you over but with the dog and all your allergies I just don't think it would be a good idea.

And when they insist, put on your biggest smile and say well I don't want to hear about any hospital visits. :D

Seriously she sounds insane. Tell her that you don't think it's a good idea for her to come to your house because it seems she's allergic to it and you don't want her or the kids or husband getting sick and having that on your conscience so you'd just rather that they not come over anymore, for their health, of course. Its pretty passive aggressive but its getting your point across that you will not listen to her complaints about your house anymore. She sounds like a nutjob.

Not rude to say something, especially since it sounds like they kinda invited themselves over.
I would be open and honest with them. It does sound like 'their' problem, not yours.
"It's not that we don't want to hang out, it's just that it seems like our house might irritate your allergies for whatever reason and now that we have a dog, it might even be worse."
If they still want to come, I'd say fine, but as soon as she starts in with the negative comments, I'd just say - "we warned you" with a smile on my face and then not have them over EVER again.........

Well, I've been known to be straightforward person and most of the time my friends and family appreciate it but occasonally I get flak for having been to blunt in a situation. That said, here is what I would say:
"well you guys are welcome to come over but I don't want to hear after the fact about how someone got sick from my carpets or vents. Seriously. Plus we have a dog now so maybe it's not the best idea with all your allergies? I can't wait to see you guys though. Let me know what you decide."
The end. I don't think it's rude. But... as I said, sometimes I'm wrong about that stuff!

I am a straight forward kind of gal.
I am allergic to cats and can tell if I am in a house that had cats...even if they are not there anymore. Especially if there is carpet. It's not anyone's fault, it's just allergies. So, while I feel for your friend, I also know that I am ALLERGIC and should therefore take care to take some antihistamines or clean out with a netty pot after going somewhere that there are cats.
That being said...I NEVER complain about a house that has cats. It's not their fault I am allergic. It's rude of your friend to constantly being saying things about your house and cleanliness.
I would say, "Oh..we are having the party at Party City! We would love to see you there, but do not think it would be a good idea for you to come to the house after the party. It seems that every time you come over you are getting sick and I can't do anything about that. I wish you could, we love seeing you, but my feeling are getting hurt with all the complaining you do" (okay, maybe not the complaining part, but you get the gist) :)
L.

I would just say something like. I would love for you guys to come over after the party but thought I would just remind you that although we don't have the cat anymore we still do have the dog and I know how "little suzy" gets sick with sinus infections/allergies so easy after visiting our house. But its up to you?

That way if she complains of suzy getting sick you can add the comment....yeah I'm not sure what the deal is no one else seems to have a problem maybe it is the dog, cat dander remaining....and its best she doesn't come over.

You could say that day "oh I was so busy getting ready for the party that I didn't have a chance to vacuum and with your allergies I don't want anyone to get sick"

IDK - puts it kinda back on them to make the choice - even if you did vacuum - your kinda letting them know that your concerned for their health.

Good luck

Just let them know that you have a dog now. If you are close enough friends for them to invite themselves over, just tell them the new situation. "We'd love to see you, but we do have a dog so I don't want _____'s allergies to flare up. Would you rather have us stop by on Sunday to pick up the ____?"

There's actually a chance here that you may be reading into the situation a little bit- if they really dislike your house and think it's dirty or not worth the visit... they would stop coming.

This is bizarre. They are people who claim that your house is making them sick, yet they keep inviting themselves over for more misery? That just doesn't make sense. It's time for you to respond. Do it sweetly, but firmly. No more visits to your home. Let them know that no one else thinks that your house is dirty, and no one else becomes sick after they visit you.

Who knows! It could be something in your house, but no fault of your own. I just don't understand why they'd want to keep coming back if they have a problem every time.

I'm throwing 1/2 flag on you. You are participating - either by engaging her in a discussion about YOUR CLEANLINESS, or caring what she says.

So my advice: Don't give it a second thought.

Seriously - she says "I think your moldy vents gave me asthma", that does not require you to engage. Shrug as if it were interesting and change the topic.

You can't control what she says, you obviously disagree - so what do you care what she says?

Have sympathy that she's not enjoying the full, mentally healthy life that we are all having. She's too tied up being self-centered.

So...what do you care what a self-centered person says about you? The sooner you stop caring - the sooner she'll move on to some other topic.

I think it would be a "great idea to have some dinner after the party with both families" and then pick a restaurant with a "party room" so that you can have some privacy.

Or - just say, "although we dont' have a cat, we have a dog.... so should we come to you?"

I would tell them "I'd love to have you guys over, but I'm concerned about your allergies and my dog, vents, carpet, cat (or whatever you choose). How ever if you are sure(!) your allergies won't act up you are welcome to come." And I'd say it with the biggest most sincere smile you can muster.

If, later, they say something, you can remind them that you asked them to make sure their allergies wouldn't be affected by . . .

Then forget about it. Good luck to you and yours.

I will agree with allergies. My DH is super allergic to cats. He will get asthma attacks even if the room house is spotless with no cat hair visible... when we moved into our current home, which was supposed to have been pet-free and was professionally cleaned before he moved in he had terrible asthma, sinus infections and broke out in hives. We had to again shampoo all the carpets, wash down the walls, ceilings, cabinets and clean the heating vents before it stopped. This is NOT about your house being dirty, it's just if you are so super allergic you will react to the tiniest minute amount of allergen.
BTW we also avoid our cat owning friend's homes... it just really maked DH very sick, so we prefer to host in our home.
Good luck.

If it was me I wouldn't even mention the allergy and draw attention to their complaints. Many of us have allergies and we don't go places and expect other people to live allergy free. As for the cleanliness too I would not address it at all. It's their issue not yours. I would say that you picked a neutral place due to your dog and that you could see them at the party, period. Say it nicely and like you would like to see them at the party but just stand your ground about the dog and your house being off limits more or less. That isn't rude in my opinion if you are kind about it. I wouldn't like hearing their complaints at your own house either. Maybe you could tell them you could drop by their house and pick up the things they need to 'deliver'.

I would just say "I can't wait to see you guys too but we will have to do it at the party place cause we have a dog now and I know you are all allergic so to avoid anyone getting sick from being at "our" house again lets just do it here" and leave it at that.

I can't pretend to tell you what is the right thing to do or say, because I'm not known for being "delicate" when someone annoys me with stupid stuff like that. I just wanted to say I kinda don't know why your husband would be concerned with you being rude to say "you are always miserable after visiting us. we'll see you at the party venue we're paying for because of all the sickly people around here" (yipes! but that's how I'd feel).....SHE'S the one being freakishly rude asking about your vents and carpet and whatever. I dunno. That's just me.

I had a friend like this, she was constantly (I mean constantly, like 6 days a week) asking to have her family come over to our house for a dinner party. Now (a) I was kinda shocked by her inviting her whole family over for me to cook and her to NOT contribute, (b) I wouldn't mind doing it even though at the time it was just us 2 and a toddler, and they had 2 adults and 3 "big kids"....that would be a bit extra to cook for, but I wouldn't mind....BUT THEN: I said "Ok, I have this awesome marinade for fillet mignon that I'd love to cook for you!" and she says "well my husband doesn't like steak, he prefers chicken to red meat". Well....ok, how about we do a bunch of cornish hens? (No she doesn't like that). Well how about this simple easy chicken casserole (No, eldest doesn't like cheese). Well how a fish and shrimp fry? (No middle child doesn't eat fried foods). Well we could......NO. I don't feel like it. I'm not even interested in what the youngest kid won't eat. Forget it! She kept pushing the issue. I said "Frankly, I could triple my recipes to feed your clan but I don't think you guys would eat anything I cook. Besides, I use things like seasoning.....you know, spices?" She said AND I AM NOT EXAGGERATING AT ALL----"Oh, my husband loves spicy food!" I said "Oh? Ok---that would be helpful: what spices does he enjoy?" and she answered "All of them! Salt, pepper, ranch, ketchup..."

She stopped with those---what Jeremy now loves to call "the 4 seasons". I thought I was so sweet for not laughing in her face. But no, I never had them over for a dinner party.

I feel your pain. They are the family of your husband's coworker though so I wouldn't want to do anything against his wishes. Perhaps you could say "You know, after the party may not be good---we're going to need some chill time after the party to just wind down a bit, write thank you notes, all that stuff. I look forward to seeing you at the party!" and leave it at that. I wouldn't want to do something involving his work friends if I knew he wanted me censored. (ha) Then tell him if you can't handle it, then he needs to at work: maybe making a joke like "the wife thinks your family is allergic to her" or something.

I would just tell her that I'm sorry but we are looking forward to just relaxing after the party seeing how it's going to be pretty exhausting. But you are more than welcomed to meet us at the party place before we leave. If not, let's do it another time.

If she says anything again negatively about your place, I would just counter with, I'm sorry you feel that way but quite frankly, my house is very clean and no one else seems to have an issue. Maybe you are just allergic to many things that we may have here. So for the future if it will be better for you, we are willing to do all of our visits with you at your place or elsewhere since I wouldn't want our house to be the "cause" of your illnesses. Make it short and sweet but to the point. If you were to say that, I bet you she will start back pedaling or agree. Either case you solved the issue. Good luck.

it is so crazy how many people are so allergic these days.

*shakes head* anyway....

i don't think you have to be rude about it. just say very nicely (and sincerely), "oh that's probably not a good idea, you don't want to get sick again right? Let's just meet up at the party, ok?"

it is okay to disagree with a person. you can do it politely. and your husband is sweet for not wanting to hurt THEIR feeings, but the fact is they are being rude and hurting YOUR feelings by the comments they make. so i don't think it's impolite to nicely state that you would rather meet them somewhere that those things aren't an issue.

"Just a heads up you might want to take your (insert allergy medication here) before you come over because we have a dog now!!"
If you are that close that they come over all the time there should be no reason for you to not say something to them.

Is there a nuetral location you can go to after the party to let the kids still play? I am thinking a park or playground?

I would say they are being rude; however, how you handle it could have lasting impacts.

I think in terms of the conversation, just tell them that your house is unavailable (maybe reinforce that this why the party is off site) and then suggest the alternate location. No need for you to be rude too.

Good luck!
~C.

Ok. I'm going to play devil's advocate here. Maybe you're being too sensitive? I don't know why else they would keep coming over unless they just get a kick from putting you down (and if so, why would you be friends?).

Maybe since her daughter is highly allergic/sensitive she thinks that other people could be exposed to "potentially harmful" stuff and she's just passing on ideas for keeping everyone healthy (even if everyone in your family is healthy). My mom has crazy seasonal allergies so she's always telling us about cleaning ducts, changing/cleaning carpet, vacuuming often, etc. She's not saying it to say I don't keep a clean house, she just "learns" about how stuff stays around and she wants to pass on "good housekeeping" info. Maybe your friend is the same?

With my kids, there is a family where it seems like EVERY time we take our kids to their house, they end up getting sick (and getting the rest of our family sick). But, I only bring it up if they ask how the kids are doing...and I NEVER say that I think it's their house that's making our kids sick. However, SHE always replies with, "well, I don't know why they would get sick after visiting here. I cleaned and disinfected and whatnot." So she automatically goes on the defensive.

Obviously, I chose to chance the fact that our girls may get sick. Our daughter is like 2 weeks younger than theirs so they're great friends. And we're great friends with the parents. We enjoy the time together, and we enjoy seeing the girls play together. So, even if it means our kids may get sick, we still hang out with them (and yeah, our kids seem to get sick even if we're hanging out with them in public places).

Just tell her you appreciate her concern about your health but everyone in your family is fine and knowing her daughter's allergies, maybe it's better for you to hang out at public places.

Especially after the comment about your carpets being old, I would DEFINITELY tell them we just needed to hang out somewhere else after the party. Tell them you want to make sure they don't get sick. They're probably the type who have the sniffles for two days and tell everyone they have the flu. I wouldn't have them at my house either!

I would just leave it up to the parents to decide if they want to bring their child over not. If their kid gets sick than I think it is their responsibility and not yours. As a parent, I wouldn't bring my child to a place where they are known to get sick... nothing personal against anyone, but that is just how it is.. We have a friend who has a cat and because my son is afraid of cats, we simply don't go over to the house much. It's all out in the open and my friend clearly understands my son's fear.. I should also note that we don't expect her to hide the cat... so we either meet at my house or elsewhere.. end of story..

I would say it! But that is just me. I don't like "sugar coating" anything. I do have times where I feel it's necessary...but if they are saying they get sick from coming to my house...well then I'd say "I thought you don't like coming over because you get sick when you leave? We can just hang at the party!".

My hubs would tell me I'm being rude but well frankly to blame their sickness on your house is rude too.

I just wouldn't invite them to your house for ANYTHING, for any reason. I would meet them elsewhere - the park, a cafe, a ballgame, etc. There are people galore who never invite others to their house.

They are very suspicious of reasons for getting sick. It's real to them, whether it's true or not. If you are meeting them in neutral territory, and if you are wearing clean clothes that can't have the dogs' dander on them, they can't blame you for it. They obviously want to be friends with you all, but their sicknesses are really hard on them.

Of course, it goes without saying, that their constant vocal worries are really hard on YOU! I don't blame you for being sick of being blamed for them getting sick. But instead of giving them a reason to keep talking about it, don't invite them for the after party get together. If they ask why, tell them that you DO want to get together with them, but "let's get together at the park where the kids can play, we can get some work done together, and you don't have to worry about an allergic reaction from my dogs." There's no point in ignoring the elephant in the room from your side - your friend doesn't ignore it. I don't think it's rude of you to state the obvious.

You are right that it's not worth being sad every single time they come and are worrying about ending up in the hospital. So change things up and don't meet at your house so that you give ALL of you a break from those sad feelings.

Good luck,
Dawn

I suggest that you first work at talking about your feelings when they're so critical. Say something like, I really enjoy your company and I'm concerned that you're always getting sick when you come to my house. I'm feeling tense and not so friendly because of your criticisms with my house. And then wait to see where that goes.

Emphasize how you feel. Allow the two/three/four of you to come up with a solution. If they continue to insist that your house is not clean enough, etc, then say that it would probably be best if they don't come over.

By doing this you're including them in the decision, you're allowing them to know why you're feeling this way and why it's best for them to not come over.

A good book to read that helps with communication skills is Nonviolent Communication. Here is their web site. http://www.cnvc.org/

I have severe cat allergies, so it is frustrating to go to someone's home and have to leave after 20 minutes. So I get where they are coming from, from that standpoint. Dropping little comments about your carpet and air ducts/vents is hugely inappropriate and rude IMO. I think I would also decline the 'after party' idea too, but hold my tongue at the comment. You're husband is right it's rude. That is just stooping to their level and even if it seems like it would make you feel SO good to say it, as soon as it flies out of your mouth, you will feel childish and stupid and wish you could take it back. So take the high road, try to give them grace for the bad blood in the past and set the example about what maturity looks like. Above all else it's always a good rule of thumb for our kids to see the adults in their lives play nice or at least notice the difference! Good luck!
HTH,
A.

Your house can be spotless but if they are allergic to something in it, it can still make them sick. Don't take it personally. If they get sick every time they come over and they still come, that is their decision...this is why we don't go to some family members homes (animals, etc).

That said, what I would do is the next time they do come over and something is mentioned about getting sick etc. say something like "I am sorry to hear that you are sick every time you visit. I guess you must be allergic to something in my home. Maybe we should get together elsewhere" or "It seems you must be allergic to something in my home. Do you know what you are allergic too? As long as it isn't us or our beloved pet, I am willing to try to get rid of the allergen".

It could be the cat (my daughter's allergist said that if the neighbor's cat comes in just once a month for a minute, it is like having an indoor cat), it could be a plant, it could be a cleaner, or it could be a fabric in the furniture...it could be ANYTHING.

Just warn them about the cat and dog hair that may or may not be in your house and let them decide. If they come over and complain afterwards just say 'Well, you can't say that I didn't warn you.' Then leave it at that.

I'm not sure I understand. You are having a party and they can't come to the party you planned, but they want to come to your house afterwards instead? Are you having an after party for other people at your house? It seems odd, and a bit rude, for them to invite themselves to your house because they can't come to the party that you planned. I'd just say, "No. The party is at X. We aren't having an after party."

As far as the allergies go, I think they need to take more responsibility for handling it themselves. I have allergies and am highly allergic to cats and mildly allergic to dogs. If I am invited to a place with cats that I know I have had trouble with before, then I usually decline. I feel bad for having to decline this way, but it really doesn't make sense for me to go. If I am invited to a place that has cats, but I don't know how I will react, then I usually warn them that I may have to leave early, where early could be 10 minutes after I arrive. There are other things they can do as well. Taking (extra) allergy medicine and avoid sitting in places where dander can hide (like a sofa). And if that doesn't work, they have two choices: leave or put up with it quietly. That's what I do. If I'm suffering and I really want to be someplace, I just put up with the allergies. The only exception is if it triggers my asthma to such an extent that I need to leave for health reasons.

As a host, there are some things you can do to help if you really want to invite over an allergy sufferer. But you already doing the big one: cleaning and vacuuming. Other smalls ones would be to put the pet in a separate room or outside, if possible and to have a chair or place to sit that is unlikely to have dander on it. Those are things as an allergy sufferer that I appreciate, but it's not really an obligation on the part of the host to do those things.

If you have a yard, maybe you should stick to inviting them over when the weather is nice and you can do a bbq outside or you can open all the windows in the house.

I have severe allergies. I'm in Hell for a good portion of the year from just outdoor stuff. Come within um pry 12 feet of me OUTSIDE and a cigarette smoke will make my nose run down my face, I'll sneeze uncontrollable, itch, watery eyes, and itch my nose like I'm a coke addict or something. Your perfume while I'm walking through Target makes me sneeze guaranteed. You get the point. I'm allergic to everything. I have special soap, special lotion, special everything.

I do go into some peoples houses and I instantly start having issues. They always look clean enough. It might be mold, dust (yes I'm allergic to dust), their cleaners, air fresheners, hell laundry detergent! My son got my lovely system and now gets hives all the time. Who knows what thing is there that is bringing them out and making him look like he has a sun burn from the sheer amount of Hives on him.

NOW with that said I've NEVER said anything to anyone about there house. It's not their problem, it's mine. I don't say OMG you soooooooooo need to deep clean those carpets and vents! Your place makes me sick as can be. Why because that again is my problem not theirs! I can't believe she is putting that on you. She sounds absolutely rude to be honest. I wouldn't want her in my house either. It's not like you are doing something like smoking and could stop while she's there... She's complaining about your house which I'm sure by a normal persons standard is fine. In my opinion she's just being rude and I wouldn't invite her in my house anymore again either. That coming from someone who does have severe allergies. If someones house bothers me that bad I simply avoid it.... or take medicine before I go in if I have to.

I"m kind of stuck at "they came home from a long vacation and have things to deliver" ..... Did the borrow stuff from you and need to give it back? Or did they bring you gifts from their vacation? Either way the action indicates they consider you good friends, good enough to borrow stuff from or good enough to treat to gifts when they go on vacation. From the post, I think the feeling is not mutual on your part.

While they, the wife especially it seems, do sound too "frank" about what they think of your housekeeping, I think that if you really liked their company you would make an effort to think about what life is like for people with serious allergies. It ranges from a pain in the backside much of the time to hell all the time. The mom may just be a jerk, but she also may be just oversensitive and worn down and defensive against the world because she is so tired of her child being sick ALL the time. Not just after visiting your house. Mom likely does this with everyone, not just you. It's not nice of her but she doesn't see it, possibly because she might be too tired out from dealing with her daughter's allergy attacks.

I'm not saying she's a blameless victim; it sounds like she lacks tact. But you have moved the gatherings to their house. This one time of coming to your house is now the exception, not the norm. So yes, your husband is right. You could say, "Sure, you can come by to drop off the stuff, but why don't we all (go out for ice cream, whatever, something outside your home) instead of hanging out since the dog or carpets likely will affect Sally?" That shows thoughtfulness on your part. If after that acknowledgement that you recognize the issue, they still say they'll stay, then you have done all you need to do.

I would ask her to please bring whatever to the party, or if they wanted to go out to eat afterwards that would be fine. That having a get together at the house after might hurt some other party goers feelings at not also being invited to hang out after.

I think you should say something, but put it back onto her. Don't just say "it's best to just to have a party out of my house so you don't get sick." Instead, say something like "We'd love to spend some extra time with you after the party, but I'm worried you'll get sick or that our dog will cause problems with your allergies at our home. Can we just hang out at the party place a little longer instead?"
That way, you're not saying that they can't come over, but just reminding her of what happens every time they do come. If she still wants to come to your place, I think you should let them. Just close it out with something like "ok, we'd love to have you over. maybe your daughter can bring along her allergy meds just in case." say it with a smile in a cheerful, not defensive or accusatory way.

good luck!

I can not believe how rude they have been to you. I do not have animals and would limit my time at someones house if my children got sick (I love animals, but my son used to have asthma symptoms so I had to give my cat away for his health). There is no way I would expect you to host me and then complain.

If they are truthful about how sensitive they are, they must get sick at other places. Don't be surprised if your party place is too dirty for them. That would send me over the edge. I might have ask if they are related to the boy in the bubble. Okay, I think my question is rude. You are just being straight after they insulted your home. you can invite yourself to their home instead.
Your main reason for renting a party place is for your guest to be comfortable (more space and no animals).

You can be straight about facts without being rude.

It is a fact that no one else gets sick at your house--say that innocently and without blame.

It is a fact that children who are exposed to allergens, pets, dirt, and "germs" at young ages build up immune systems and end up healthier in the long run. There are many books and research about that.

It is a fact that kids who are over-protected by their parents are less able to make correct decisions when they're older.

It is a fact that parents who don't give kids appropriate boundaries end up with kids who whine and seek out negative attention.

You know this. I know this. To educate others, just continue to practice what you preach and recommend good reading! (Super Nanny anyone?)

Good luck. Glad you're concerned about not torking off your husband's best friend!

About the friends with the 3 year old....haven't they ever heard of Afrin?????

Why has neither you or her considered or brought up the possibilities that they are allergic to something in your home?? Sounds silly.

Wow, sounds crazy. Is it rude? It may be, depending on the way you say it. But do you have a right to say it? Absolutely! Even though you know your house is fine, maybe just word it in that you are taking the responsibility. Say something like, "Oh, our house isn't an option right now because we have not had a chance to have to ducts/vents or carpets cleaned. We value your family as friends and would hate to think that coming to our home might put you at risk for any kind of infection. Let's just plan to hang out together after the party when everyone else leaves." Our you can just say that your house is not an option and give no reason. Or you could suggest you drop by their home.
And, I'm sure you already know this, sinus infections are not caused by cat hair. Bottom line is this - even if your house WERE unclean (which I'm sure it's not!), it is YOUR home. As long as you and your family are fine with it, that's all that matters. Besides, if it's that bad, why would she want to keep coming over?

I don't know how you put up with this "friendship". If your home is so bad, why are they coming over? Do they ever invite YOU to their home?

It sounds to me like the friend is being rude and you should make it very clear that there is a dog.

If they are inviting themselves over, say, "No, we are only having a party at x venue. We will have had a long day and are not up for a longer visit. If yo don't want to bring things to the party, we can catch up another time/place."

We have a friend where her DH is hugely allergic to cats. We have 2. Whenever the friends are in town, we go out to eat. That way the husband isn't a sneezing mess. But at no point do we get the "your carpets are dirty/your house isn't clean/I always get sick" routine. We compromise so we can see them but nobody is rude to anybody else about it. If he comes in for a few minutes, he's always dosed on medication first.

And if your husband balks, ask him what about YOUR feelings? She's rude. (And why do I get the impression she's more his friend than yours?)

I have to agree with your husband on this one. It would be rude to say something like that even when you are thinking it. They know that your house has something in it that makes them sneeze and if they come over it is by their choice, no reason for you to feel guilty if they chose to do so and get sick. It is a chance they are willing to take. That said, I agree that it is very rude for her to say the things she does about the carpet and vent. It could be she is trying to help but going about it the wrong way, after all if you think someone's home may have mold, wouldn't you want to give a heads up to something that they may have become immune to? Given that you cleaned your vents and carpet, I doubt mold is your problem and as for the cat and dog hair, you can't get rid of that completely, it is in the carpets, the walls, the bed matteresses and under anything and everything. I have a long haired cat and a dog and no matter how much I clean, my daughter who has allergies to the cat has trouble when she comes over. So my suggestion is, when she says something rude about getting sick each time they come over, sweetly suggest meeting at their home instead. I wouldn't say they can't come over but gently suggesting meeting else where for their health isn't rude.

Wow, they sure have some nerve to imply that your carpets have mold or the vents etc.! Did it ever occur to them that they might have contributed to their daughter's allergies by keeping her in a bubble? :) I am offended and its not even me. I am so sorry!!!

I honestly think that the next time anyone says ANYTHING, you should speak up and say---Ok, that enough. I know you may not like X,Y, orZ, but this is getting ridiculous. You have made a comment each time about my home, our cleaning habits, pets etc. I am sorry your daughter has gotten sick, but it isn't our fault. Etc. Lay it out for them and tell them how much their comments have hurt you.

As for the dropping by after, tell them no. It won't work for you. You will be to tired to have company and anything they want to bring, they can bring to the party place and give you after the party is over--where you can easily load it up in the car. No shame in having good boundaries. :)

What they do with it is up to them but they obviously are oblivious to it and are rude and need to be schooled in some manners! Good luck!

I think it's appropriate to say something, but I would word it differently. Something to the effect of "I think it's best if we just meet at the party. I wouldn't want your kids to have an allergic reaction to the dog or the cat dander that we still have in the house. We are looking forward to seeing you at the party." Your house is still full of cat dander if your cat just died in January (my condolences). It takes 6-12 months for pet dander to dissapate and cat dander is stronger and stickier than than dog dander. It floats in the air and it sticks to things like walls, furniture, etc. I have a husband and a son allergic to cats. If the issue is really the pets, etc. she shouldn't want to come over once she knows that the cat dander is still there and potent. I would ignore the comments about the carpet and the vents. That does sound passive-aggressive to me and like there is something else going on, but I would just try to let it go and use the pet dander as your "excuse."

It's all in your verbage. It not rude to express your feelings and if they CHOOSE to be offended that's their choice. You could simply say something like, "that you decided to have the party at this place because it's so much easier on the clean up end and we rather pass on coming to our house after only because it seems that it causes problems for you after and that would be very inconvenient, but we appreciate your thoughtfulness." You've just thanked them for bringing whatever, spoken up, and expressed concern for them all at once. Ultimately, they probably (sounds like the wife mostly) are probably jealous of u and can't figure out how to BE nice due to low self-esteem and it comes out degrading because that's the only way makes them feel better.

You are right. I would nicely, calmly say they get sick at your house so you understand they can not come. Do the party only.

I would do it like this:

"Oh how fun, I have missed you guys so much. It's been so long since we were able to spend any time with together.

I know you always get sick after coming to my house so why don't we meet up at yours instead. I hate being sick and don't want our (insert dogs name here) causing you to get another sinus infection".

In this conversation you are acknowledging that she is telling hubby she gets sick after being at your home, you are telling her her family is important to your family, you are saying that you know how she feels, being empathetic to her plight, etc....you are letting her know you know.

You are also letting her know that she can choose to not come where she is allergic to something. It gives her an out without losing face....

If she still wants to come over and spend time I would say a little something like this:

"You know, XX and I have talked about this over and over. We cannot figure out what you are allergic to. We have new carpets, the ducts have been cleaned, the dust is minimal.....". You can list off everything she has said to her hubby that she might be allergic to.

I have tons of allergies and new ones pop up all the time. I hate having to go to every one of my friends houses. The whole issue of being sick for days after is annoying and frustrating. I can't live on Benadryl, it dries my sinus' out and actually makes life worse.

I feel bad for both of you but until one of you starts really feeling empathy for each other and really talking about the allergies and how it makes you feel when the other one is talking about the house and other stuff the hard feelings are always going to be there.

I would say something like, "we would love to have you over, but we know that you somehow always get sick after visiting us. We don't have our kitty anymore, but we still have our dog, and I am just afraid that you will get sick." then leave it up to them to decide after they were warned. If they come and then she complains of being sick, you can then say that they were adequately warned.

Oh my - what a situation! I am generally on the other side of it because my son (who is 4) has life-threatening food and cat allergies. By "life-threatening" I mean I've had moments in my life where my little boy has been on the floor with blue lips struggling for breath and I've had to jab a needle into his thigh for any chance at him living the next 20 minutes without brain damage.

While it bothers me and seems rude to hear you so blithely/sarcastically say they might end up in the "hospital" next time with hospital in quotes (because really, if it were my son, he very well could) I think the point is that I would NEVER blame you or your house for our family's medical issues. It's very easy to get wrapped up in fear with severe allergies and go into "mama-bear mode" where you want to protect everyone and scream to the world that they need to ban pets and dust and peanuts, but it's just not realistic. This mom has gone too far, but please understand that she doesn't realize it and is truly (I know, in a really rude way) thinking that she is helping you!

You are your own person with your own house and should be able to choose your pets and feel confident in your ability to keep a tidy and healthy household. You said that you entertain often and nobody else has ever made a comment, so what exactly are you holding out for? Why do you feel like you need the "okay" or acceptance from this family? Can't you just extend them some grace knowing that they deal with something on a daily basis that has changed their outlook and therefore caused a few cringe-worthy comments to you? Please just let it go. Even if their allergies aren't severe, they're obviously chronic and chronic conditions can wreak havoc with people's emotions and better judgement. I'm really sorry you got caught in the crossfire, but please just let it go!

By the way, it takes a full 6 months for cat dander to diminish enough in the home that a severely allergic person can enter. We have the hospital bill to prove it from when we visited friends 5 months after their cat was gone. I would think these people would know that, but I would either have them over (after all, they should be able to make THEIR own choices just like you should) and give them grace for the inevitable comments, or mention that you read that it takes a full 6 months and it's only been 2 since your cat passed so you'd really feel more comfortable waiting a bit longer.