Do You Go to the Bar Without Your Spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend?

By the time my husband and I got married, we were so done with bars/clubs/discos (this was the 80's).
It was a relief not going anymore.
We LIKE being home together.
It's not that we can't go out, we J. don't want to.

I have never really understood the "allowed" part I guess. Most of the time I go out with my husband, but that is because we don't get very many opportunities to be out together and so I really want to be with him. That being said we aren't glued at the hip and I am not his mother, so if he wants to hang out with his buddies or I want to go out with my friends for a girls night, neither of us has a problem with it.

I know that no matter who my husband meets, talks to, get hit on by, that he is devoted to M. and my kids and he feels the same way about M.. I want him to be with M. because he wants to, not because he isn't allowed to go and meet anybody else. Does that make sense? My SIL and I have this conversation a lot as she feels differently about it than I do. I guess I J. can't really imagine being in a relationship with someone that I didn't trust enough to be "allowed" to hang out with the opposite sex.

Wouldn't work for M., plus I have no desire to hang in bars. When you're young it's fun, but at 42 seems a bit pathetic.

JMO.

I'm married.
Being married does not mean you are a Monk or not a part of the world.
You are still an individual. You still can go out. You still can have friends. You still have freedom. You still are a person, apart from your spouse. You sill have a life and are not a Siamese twin with your spouse.

A "spouse" is an adult.
A spouse can interact with the world and other people.
Men or women.
An adult, should know how to handle flattery and/or flirtations. Without being juvenile or sophomoric about it.

Commitment has nothing to do, with restricting another person.
And of course, a person of normal mentality, does place their relationship or marriage, first. But that does not mean, you have to live under a rock.

It's kind of like the idea that Facebook ruins marriages. Um, not if you don't let it.

The answer isn't to NOT go to the bar or NOT get on FB. The answer is to behave appropriately while there.

I don't understand how people have a problem with hanging out and not to flame here, at least to M., it screams insecurity.

Did I put enough disclaimers in there?

Troy loves M. and only M., he wants only M., you put him in a room with naked women he would have the most uncomfortable look on his face. He would probably be pretty darn red too. I am the same way.

It J. seems silly to worry when there is J. nothing to worry about.

I think that he asked that question confirms why you have your specific boyfriend and why that guy is not said boyfriend. :)

Ya know, and I think this is important, if someone I hung out with gave Troy a bad vibe I would not question his vibe, I would stop hanging out with that person. I think that is how the trust goes both ways. That I trust him to hang out means he can trust that if I say she give M. a bad vibe it isn't because she is pretty, or anything, it is J. something is off. It isn't driven by insecurity.

Lets see how many times I can add to this. I think there is a huge difference when hanging out with friends is taking up more time than hanging out with family. It wouldn't matter who it was it would be that they don't want to be around us that would bug M., ya know? My ex was like that and it was that he wanted to impress other people, couldn't care less how we felt that made him never being home okay. The funny thing was it was that attitude of his that I think made him sleep around. I had to sleep with him I was his wife, she chose to sleep with M.. Effed up but true.

As someone who doesn't understand the appeal of drinking for "fun," being a parent and actually wanting to be an atmosphere where people get drunk, act stupid, and potentially make bad decisions, or wanting be surrounded with a bunch of people who J. want to get wasted...

He better go alone, because I won't be wasting my time in a place like that. I don't control my husband. He is allowed to go where he wants. If he was the type of person that wanted to hang out in bars and set that example for his child, I wouldn't have even bothered with dating him.

Also, you've officially met a women who has no attraction whatsoever to other women!! (Even if we've J. "met" virtually.)

What works in one marriage or relationship doesn't have to be the "answer" for another. Each family and marriage/relationship should be striving to find its own balance which has its foundations resting upon fundamentals such as love, trust, hard word and communication. If everyone is happy and fully informed, then well done and furthermore none of my business.

honey, if you are not doing anything you are not sopossed to to, then dont give it another thought.

since I'm an adult no one LETS or ALLOWS M. to do anything. I do what I CHOOSE to do.

Does that mean I don't take my hubby's feelings (and he takes mine) into consideration? Of course I do, but the first time he says "I forbid you" is the time he gets a laugh in his face.

Course I'm the wife who has encouraged her husband to go to the strip club with his friends for bachelor parties ... he knows he can get his appetite anywhere ... as long as he eats at home :) and I definitely reap the benefits of those rare sojourns into gyrating nekid females :)

My husband LOVES when I take off to the pub for a pint and a good read. He knows I'll come home relaxed and happy. I see people there I know, sometimes men, sometimes J. the servers. I have male friends that were servers there who are friendly and are known entities (we have occasional cribbage tournaments). They might give M. a hug, but that's where it ends.

Do I flirt? Wear anything other than what I usually wear? No. He knows he can trust M.. I know I can trust him. So, on both ends of things, no worries. (and the funny thing is, in our relationship, I'm the one who's far more likely to go out by myself.)

And I have to laugh at that "allowed to go out without your boyfriend" line you posted....sounds like that fellow wouldn't have been good boyfriend material, even if you had been single!

Boyfriends are different than husbands. Sorry - J. reality in my world - you haven't made a LIFETIME commitment to your boyfriend - hence the fact he is bf and not dh.

So no - when we were dating I did go out dancing quite a bit with my girlfriends - and of course we were hit on - but I never went home with anyone or to anyone other than my hubs.

I think once you are older and in a serious committed relationship - especially if kids are involved - those days are kinda over.

call M. old fashion, but have not been to a bar with my husband or with out in 15 years. J. not into the scene ..... J. a mommy now with kids and a household, so our FUN is a bit different now..... They have these piano bars here and my hubby and i went once...but was not something we said, "HEY, lets go again !"
I think if your spouse or boyfriend does mind you doing that, that is what is important....not what others think. If you have an open relationship that should be discussed . I personally would not do that.

I don't understand why everyone flipped out about single people going out together. I have lots of friends, male and female - and I like people, male and female. But my husband trusts M.. I trust him, too. We don't forbid each other from seeing anyone. We J. like to know where the other one is, more for safety than out of paranoia or concerns of cheating. If he's out with the guys, I want to know exactly where he is in case anything happens. And if I'm going for a walk, to the grocery store, the gym, or out with my best friend, I make sure he knows where I'm going, when I'm going, and when I'm on my way home. We care about each other but we aren't crazy. I have more guy friennds than girlfriends. My hubs knows M. well enough not to be threatened.

Lots of ladies (myself included) go out to meet friends without spouses to bars, and any bar is going to have single people in it.

Does my husband go out to bars without M.? Yes, A LOT in his profession. Am I allowed to go to them on my own? Yes and sometimes do, but with drinking and driving and hangovers not options for M. as a mom, (by my own choice), it's rare. Do I flirt with guys at bars when I'm out with friends? No. Not my style. I truly don't need the attention to feel good. Do I think it's "wrong" for other ladies and men to do that? No, I could care less. Did I go to local bars and hang out and have all the fun you mentioned above when I was single? Yes. A lot. But it got old.

I have also felt the "most women are bisexual" opinion to be not true in my circles. To M. it seems like it's J. some women who are attracted to women, not the majority. I'm personally not attracted to women. At all. My friends and I have often discussed how we don't "get it" that supposedly most women like women.

I think as long as a couple is totally happy and equal that's all that matters. So if you know your husband goes to the townie bar, gets all excited to see the regulars, cheers when people walk in, picks ladies up so they can feel girly, and flirts, then yes, you shouldn't feel bad to do the same as long as you are both feeling happy about it and having fun.

I love my wife dearly, but I wouldn't go to a bar or restaurant with a member of the opposite sex alone. If her spouse or at least one co-worker were there, then no problem, but not one on one (unintentional pun).

I wouldn't want to tempt her or her M.. Good relationships are too hard to come by and I wouldn't want to jepordize one.

I have talked to too many girls and guys that bitterly recalled how one drink too many let their inhibitions lower enough that they got too huggy and hormones took over ending a relationship.

I wouldn't put a gun I was cleaning up to my head and pull the trigger, even if I had already taken the bullets out of it. I wouldn't meet a girl at a bar alone, either.

Good luck to you and yours.

FYI, I am 50..Never too old to have a good time, with my husband, without my husband but with friends.. Never lose yourself. And you will never lose the ones that love you.

I guess I have.. It is a neighborhood place that serves beer and wine.. but also burgers and stuff. I have been there a few times for lunch alone to do some of my paperwork and did not want to have to cook or clean up at home. .. I saw some people I know and I guess we go there enough, some of the staff know M. by sight.

I would not judge, unless it was something a man or woman was doing to pick up one night stands.. I feel like that is dangerous behavior.

I guess I'm J. a prude, then, because I believe there are better places to hang out than bars and that if you are married or committed and have children, your time is better spent with them.

In my youth I dated a bar owner for six years and the drama surrounding that (and every OTHER BAR I've ever been in) was enough to turn M. away from that scene for life. Yuck.

J. my personal opinion...to each his own. :)

I can honestly say that I never knew women were generally attracted to other women. Sorry, but I think that's wrong. Maybe you happen to have a lot of bi-sexual friends. I on the other hand don't know a single woman who is attracted to other women. But, that's not the point of your post so I digress.

Anyway, to each his own regarding going out to a bar with or without our SO. If it works for you two great! What is good for one family isn't always what's good for another. I don't look down upon or judge others for hanging out with those of the opposite sex. Do I do that without my SO? NO. I have not a single reason to? If I'm going to go out it will be with my SO. I want to flirt, touch and pay lots of attention to him. The good thing about that is when he turns M. on or says sexy things to M., I don't have to turn him down and I get to go home with him! That's why I wouldn't go out to a bar without my SO. But, to each his own!

My husband works at a bar on the weekends. Inevitably he DOES get hit on by both men and women. Doesn't bother M.. Now, if he were encouraging sexual relationships with other people I WOULD be bothered. We've agreed to be monogamous not by default but because it feels right for us. Emotional or physical affairs are not okay in my book. Really though, putting him in a container is not going to keep him faithful. There's really very little I can do to *make* him act with integrity and honor, besides doing so myself. I trust him to make choices that won't betray my needs and wishes (this wasn't always true).

I don't visit bars very often. A few times a year I'll go out dancing with my friends (my husband despises dancing) and once in a blue moon I'll meet someone in a bar to chat. I really prefer dinning room tables and strong coffee though. I've lived in my little city since I was a teenager and I run into people EVERYwhere, so when I meet a friend I prefer a private location where I am better able to focus on them and our conversation.

So *would* I go to a bar w/out my spouse? Not very often. *Could* I go to a bar w/out my spouse? By all means.

It's really important to M. that I have connected, powerful, deep friendships. My friends are like family to M. and I get so much warmth and strength from them. My husband (these days) wants M. to be happy and encourages M. to get time out doing things I love. So I spend quite a lot of time with people who are not part of my nuclear family.

The bar is really not my husbands thing, but I go out with my friends without him and he is cool with it. I would personally feel like a prisoner if he didnt "allow" it and would find it unhealthy.
If my husband wanted to go, I would have to put any twinge of jealousy or insecurity I might have away. Because, I 100% trust him and hes a good dude. So I dont think there would be problems.
The only time he gets phone calls is when I wake up at 3am and hes not home. Ahhhh, the Casino has a hold on him. :) Turd.

My husband and I both worked at bars, so we're very secure with our marriage.. Since being out of the bar business, I could CARE LESS about going out at night ( I did it for 8 years while I worked on the weekends)... I actually encourage my husband to go out with his friends though.. It's good "guy" time... doesn't bother M.... Now, if it was a strip club he was going to, my answer would then be no :)

Nah, I've never hung out at a bar alone. But I've certainly made myself a margarita at home alone :) If I were to do that, or my husband were to do that, I personally would think that's odd -- or 'something' is up (due to our personalities, not because we don't trust one another). But that's J. M.!

My husband occasionally goes out with friends for a round of golf and then to a bar afterwards, I've never really given it much thought but I also trust him and am not worried. I do the same thing for a girls night out. As far as I know he doesn't hug other women, pick them up or flirt with them...if he did I would have a problem with that, because it's not the type of guy I'd want to be married to. Some men J. have very flirtatious personalities.

I guess I J. don't see how going to a bar solo and getting into situations where there's lots of alcohol, music and men are hitting on you/questioning your relationship can be very good at all for your current relationship. It seems like you really enjoy the attention so maybe your current relationship isn't up to par? Sorry if I'm completely out of line, it's J. that I've known so many people who've ruined their relationships over situations like this. Do what you feel is right.

Don’t laugh but normally I go out with my girls to the karaoke bar or this diner/ bar thing where we live, my spouse to Hooters (ew) or the sports bar and we don’t have issues because its planned in advance and we know who the other person is hanging with. The only time it becomes an issue is when other people “judge you” per say or make comments like-“really!? And you allow that? Which causes you to start to question yourself (like M. today LOL) reading too much into it you know? This is what gets you in trouble

I am not sure what the inside of a bar looks like nowadays....We J. don't go anyway. It hasn't been my thing since I was about 22.

I don't go by myself but when I was young and single I did. Now sometimes I will go out ot a bar with some of my friends. And my husband does not have a problem with it. He does not even care if I go dancing cause he knows who I am going home to. Now if he went to a place like that by himself I woudl worry something was up for 2 reasons. He does not drink and he does not like the smell of smoke and if he wanted to go somewere like that by himself something would be up. He would not even go somewhere like that without M. J. cause that's who he is.

I occasionally am out without my husband b/c I travel for a living and there are times following a normal work day where I need a very large glass of WINE and I am not one to drink alone...

But when I'm home, I'm usually out with him...because I miss him!

The scene you J. described in your little local bar is J. so Philly, to a "T." <sigh> I LOVE that town--was J. there last Friday, and had a wonderful afternoon, at DiBruni Brothers and Rittenhouse Square. So, yes, if I lived in a town like that, I would definitely have my "local"...

My husband and I aren't really "bar people"...he did that scene while in the military and got it out of his system. I did the club scene in college, but that kinda got out of my system too.

If I wanted to go out to a bar with a bunch of girlfriends my husband would tell M. to have a good time and same for him...they guys go for a drink after work, sure join them (J. let M. know so I don't have dinner waiting).

We trust each other. However if he was taking his single female intern out J. the two of them for drinks...I would have a problem with that...if they go to lunch I really don't mind because it is usually because they are far away from the office on a site visit and go get something to eat.

If my husband is going on a site visit alone with her...he usually tells M....J. in case I get a call he is out and about with a young blonde female that is not M....lol.

We agreed that going out alone with single people of the opposite sex is giving off the wrong impression that there might be something going on even though there isn't...so we don't do it. A group of people going out, no problem.

We have a lot of trust in each other.

I go to a bar every once in a while, for a drink , by myself. It doesn't bother my husband.

Well, people who babysit seem to be scarce where we live so yes we go out to bars with friends and not each other. We have no problem with this and neither do most of the couples among our friends.

I've never been into the bar scene...but my fiancee doesn't get upset if I want some "M." time. I prefer to go out with him...but we both believe that it's important to do things on our own too.

I have done a few "ladies' nites" with some of the other moms from my son's school. We don't go to meet new people--we go to have girl time.

It is all about intent. If you go to meet other guys, yeah, big problem. But if you go to hang with the girls, and J. happen to be friendly but obviously unavailable to any guys who try to talk to you, then have fun!

S H said it great, however i would add that the only way i go out is either with "the girls" or with my husband. i don't need or want attention from other men. in the situation you describe it doesn't sound like your relationship with your bf is that serious, you're not married and you don't call him a fiance. i doubt we are even close to being in the same places in our lives. to M. if there is an air of "i am free, i do what i want, hey you're interesting, i'll talk to you!" that can be too easily taken as "I AM AVAILABLE!" (ok i'm being nice, i think it sends that message loud and clear, because men are horny pigs :) -said with love lol.) that is the last message i want to send. but again, i think you're in a completely different place. if your bf is okay with it then there's no problem.

Ok, I have answered all those other posts you mentioned so I will on yours as well. =)

It appears by what you said, that you *like* the attention you are getting when you go to the bars. To M., that is playing with fire. You may not *intend* for anything to happen, but there is always a starting point to relationships and a lot are from "casual" chats at the local bar.

To M., it isn't a point of trusting my husband or not. Its putting trust into the OTHER person. LOTS of women purposely go after married men. And adding alcohol to the mix definately doesn't help.

Both myself and my husband don't drink. We will at a social event, but that is maybe once or twice a year. So drinking isn't something we *enjoy* doing. I can understand how those people who *enjoy* drinking, will likely go out often to do it. Its J. not something we do.

To us, our family is our priority and they come first. But we can do that because we are older and have an understanding of what we want out of life. I do think individuals should have "M. time" and couples should have dates. Luckily, we have every other weekend to ourselves when our kids are at our ex's house. We don't even spend that time out drinking.

So back to your question. If its an issue with your partner, then you shouldn't do it. If it isn't, then do what you want. But understand that it is an opportunity for something to happen because you are specifically putting yourself in that situation. Like I said before, lots of "casual meetings over drinks" have turned into affairs. J. my opinion but it isn't for us. Good luck.

Um, no. I am a single Mom so I am almost never without my kids. I envy those who can go out. But even if I could go out it wouldn't be to a bar. I do think it is okay to have opposite sex friends. I have a friend that I met on eharmony. We ended up J. being friends. Our relationship will never be more than friends. If I should meet another man, I see no reason not to remain friends with this man. Now I don't know how he would feel or a possible future boyfriend would feel. And I suppose it would depend on that. But for M. it would be fine. Now I am talking about a friend that I talk on the phone to and interact regularly with. I wouldn't like the kind of relationships you are talking about, being with people(men or women) that I don't know well or interact with regularly. To M. that is not a friendship. But everyone has different needs, and desires. So no I wouldn't do that, but I would have an opposite sex friend even in a committed relationship if it was okay with all parties involved.

Sounds like you and I are alot alike :)

Yes I go out with out my husband.. if Im talking to anyone and they try to pick M. up using thier cheesy lines I let them know right away Im married. I am a very touchy feely person. I hug everyone and usually kiss them on the cheek.. no matter the gender. My husband knows how I am with and with out ( I act the same way no matter what) him and he has no problem with it. I LOVE to dance!! My husband HATES it!! But he lets M. dance with who ever when we go out J. so he doesn't have to get out on the floor. He will even grab people and tell them to go dance with M.. Its actually funny the looks he gets from people when he does it. But its called trust.

We know where the lines are where each of us are comfortable with and neither one of us has ever crossed it.

Yes I allow my husband to go out without M. no matter the gender. He has fun and I know he isn't sleeping around with his female friends when he goes. He has never given M. a reason to worry about that even if he went with females.

My husband and I are a like to where he has more female friends and I have more male friends that we are closest to, thankfully it doesn't bother either one of us. We are comfortable with each other and trust each other 100%!!

I go out with my girlfriends, usually a dinner and drinks at the local dining place. I do not drink but I go to have girl time and chat. My husband likes to have a beer or two so he does go to the local dive bars with the guys after work. I do not care at all. But I would care if he went with women , J. like he would not like M. sitting drinking or dancing with men. Thats not appropriate for our relationship.

nah. he doesn't drink at all and i practically never do.
but i would if i wanted to.
khairete
S.

My husband doesn't like it when I go out to bars or clubs without him but if I want to go hang out with the girls every so often I can and I do go.

My husband will not go out to bars or clubs without M., he thinks it is wrong and makes him uncomfortable...in his defense he is devilishly handsome and gets hit on like no one I have ever seen, so I get where he is coming from.

Luckily for us both, neither of us are the 'bar/club going on a regular basis' kind of people.

I agree it is between the two committed people to decide what works for them!

Yes I go out without my husband and he without M. in mixed company. Mostly for work, like happy hours. Usually the other one is watching the kids. What I'd really prefer though is to go out with a few drinks with HIM!

I've never thought about going for a drink alone, but some of you ladies make it sound mighty tempting- going out for a pint and a good read sounds J. up my ally this Friday afternoon! Hafta to do it at home I guess.

The problem with being alone is, that usually means you'll have to find people to talk to and thats sorta the fishy part for the spouses I think. But there's obviously cases where the spouse is comfortable with the environment like you described J. M. so I don't see an issue. And I kinda think your J. as likely to get picked up having a coffee at starbucks.

***My hubby used to get mad when we'd be out for drinks together and he'd go to the bathroom and come back and find a guy talking to M.. I was always like, I can't help it, we're in a bar and apparently I'm a hot commodity, ha! But I get it. I toned down my friendliness over the years to make him more comfortable. As many said, you have to take your spouses comfort level into consideration. With us its always all good because we know with who, where and why the other person is going out. Nothing controlling about it.

I occasionally go to after work happy hour with a big group of co-workers. I go with the women, some bring husbands and there are occasionally some of thier male friends that wander in. I don't seek them out for conversation or flirt with them. I have seen some of the married women that do. I guess it's all in how you carry yourself.

We are individuals sharing the same goals in relationship. He is free to go where he wants and so am I but we make choices to do and go places that honor our marriage and protect it at all costs.

So no, we don't go to bars and not J. because we don't drink but we also don't go to strip places either and we definitely limit the amount of contact we have alone with the opposite sex. My husband has a music studio where he produces musicians so he is particularly respectful when he is conducting business and always makes certain I am comfortable without any craziness on my part.

Also we fully disclose everything before we even do something so we will ask the other. It's not about permission but about respect because we don't want the other to feel uncomfortable. We have a very stable relationship and have known each other for over 20 years even though we have only been married for almost 3 years.

You know honestly im sure it depends on the person. Some people are brutaly honest and would never cheat. Like myself.
My ex cheated on M. once and i had him on a very short leash for a while. He eventually earned my trust back and went to a bar with his friend. A guy, but went home with a girl. SO he was not to be trusted. HE needed the excitement is what he told M..
SO to your question. FOr M. it will always depend on trust. If im with someone i trust fine, go have fun. FLirt but come home to M.. You know?

I did. I arrived alone and I left alone. He knew that I was not going to be hooking up with anyone.
As for what anyone else thought, it was irrelevant.

He didn't, not because he couldn't be trusted around other women, but because he was/is an alcoholic.

Its not in my personality to go to a bar alone....but I have gone out to the bar with some girlfriends and/or my SIL. And yes, we've been hit and and continued to be bothered even AFTER we've told them we're married.

But most the time we are not...bothered or left alone after we tell them we are married.

I see nothing wrong with your scenario...I J. wouldn't venture into a bar alone. However, I also don't see a problem with going to lunch with a coworker from the opposite sex as long as it was completely platonic.