Do You Let Your Kids Spend the Night with Friends When You Don't Know the Family

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I have my kids invite their friends over for sleepovers all of the time. I would rather them at my house so I can monitor what they are doing. I like to do that when they have a new friend. That way I can see and hear what the kid is like. Then, if I think he may have too lenient parents by things he says and does, I always have him spend the night at my house. It seems to work out well b/c I am one of the only moms that actually likes having 3-4 13 yr olds boys at the house.

No way!!! I am never allowing my kids to sleepover anyone's home unless they are my IMMEDIATE family, even when they are teens, too much to risk in my opinion.

My oldest is just 7 and so we're just entering the sleepover phase but hubby and I have a strict "no sleepover" policy. The kids can hang out for the evening but no sleeping over. The primary reason is that I remember all the junk I did as a tween and teen and all the crushes on older "brothers," all the "R" rated movies and seances, not to mention the piles and piles of junk food consumed. And those were with people my family went to church with every Sunday. I think it's not only about the parents being good people but it's about what they let thier kids get away with. Also, like you, I know too many true horror stories about sexual encounters, perverted household members, or just plain satisfied curiosities that can happen. I know we will stand FIRMLY by our policy with all our kids no matter the age or how "well" we know the "good" people.

As a mom of a 16 year old daughter, I have had many sleepovers at my house and my daughter has attended many sleepovers through the years. Honestly, if I had to do it all over again, I would no longer allow sleepovers or let my kid go to them. I've had bad experiences and so has my kid. It's not worth it. You don't know what goes on in other people's homes. Parents sometimes take off or kids go to someone else's house. For me personally, too much baloney has happened with sleepovers, such as lying to parents, crabby kids in the morning, and going to a boy's house instead of staying at the parents home. I know your daughter is only 10, but please watch over her. She may be a great kid, but even great kids when allowed too much freedom, can make mistakes. Many things such as you experienced happen at sleepovers. You never know what other parents allow their kids to do either. My boys, who are quite young, already know that we do not allow any sleepovers...period.

In answer to your question ~ NO. And as far as the message you received, I would still be upset, with my daughter who should have said I need permission from my mom before I can change plans, and the grandmother who you had given responsibility for your child.

Thank God all is well, but I would have sleepovers at your house in the future, if that is possible. And truthfully, if your daughter "doesn't get it," oh well. You are her mother and you make the decisions. Kids at that age (I see it in my nephew and grandchildren all the time) doesn't understand why we try to protect them. But with all there is in the world to keep them from, we as parents have to stand firm ♥

Hanging around kids that are allowed to have things she doesn't and do things she isn't allowed to will only have her begging you for those things. I go through this all the time. She will eventually make a face book acct at a friends house and go on it while you are out. That's what my child did. When I found out, she had hundreds of friends on it and parents that knew I forbid it! I wasn't very happy. The music is hard to hide since she is at that age where she can turn on her own radio and hear it at friends houses. I will ask if the parent will be home and i like to meet them. My child tells me it's dorky sometimes but her friend called and asked if a parent was going to be home before she got dropped off here and that gave me some respect for the parent. Either they truly cared or she needs supervision). Good Luck mom.

Absolutely not. If it's really important for her to be with her friends, make your home open and welcoming to them. Why risk so much exposure to things that are wrong for your family? Plus, who else is going to randomly be where your daughter is (parent's friends, significant others, sibling's friends, etc.)? Stay protective, that night over is not worth the trauma. Talk with your lady friends and see what kinds of things happened when they had sleepovers as kids. It's crazy.

My oldest is age 7 and so far we only let him do sleepovers at a friend's house that we know the parents really well. I am sure this issue will come up more as he gets older.

Absolutely not. What I'd be upset about is that the 1st parent in charge didn't MAKE SURE it was OK with you to move your daughter from one person's house to another. I'd be having a talk with that person for sure. When I was little, I grew up next door and around the corner from my (still) 2 best friends. One girl was an only child and the other had an older, unpredictable, always in trouble, loose cannon brother. This friend's uncle was also a convicted serial killer (yes, you read correctly). I never understood why my parents allowed me to sleep at the one friend's house and not the other's. Both sets of parents were nice. I only realized as an adult that my parents weren't comfortable with my sleeping at my friend's house where there was the older brother. Even my friend whose house it was understands why my parents wouldn't let me sleep there.

My daughter only sleeps at my one sister's house and at her grandparents' houses.

You are absolutely right. I would tell your daughter that you're proud of her for turning away movies she knew was inappropriate, but you were very disappointed that she broke your rule and did not stay where she knew she was supposed to stay. I would try to explain best you can, but if she doesn't get why it's dangerous if you don't know the people well and if you don't know where she is, then just emphasize whether she understands or not the point is she is supposed to follow your rules or she loses privileges. It's a good learning lesson for her. Don't give in to pressures, your job is to protect your daughter and some day she'll thank you for it!

I am so glad you posted this. I have a 6 yo girl and I know the question is going to be asked soon. I know I will be the one who says no and my husband will probably say yes.

My niece is turning 6 in a couple of weeks; she's 3 months younger than our daughter. My SIL emailed me about having a slumber party for her birthday with girls from her school (just finished kindergarten, mind you) and she wanted our daughter to come, too. That's obviously fine because they are family and our daughter has spent the night there before and their kids have been over at our house, too. But I thought it was so odd because all the these soon-to-be first grader parents said yes on the sleepover to my SIL. Now, I know that my SIL doesn't know these parents well; they actually live out of the school's county and it's quite a far drive for play dates (bad school district in their area so they go to another county's school). Anyway, I was a little shocked that all of these girls' parents said no problem to the sleepover. Obviously my SIL and BIL are good people (they really are), but how on Earth do these parents really know that??

I've enjoyed reading your responses because I was starting to think maybe I'M the one who is old fashioned. So glad to know there are other moms out there who aren't comfortable w/ sleep overs!!!

I think any child that age knew that leaving one house for another was a transgression.
I was a good kid, but I took advantage of overnighters because my parents didn't check and that is a time for some experimentation of limits. Kids don't realize that all parents aren't like you. They may taste alcohol, read an R rated book, find a gun they think is empty, find drugs. You just don't know today. Call the parents and ask to meet for coffee at their house. Explain your surprise at the house move. Ask how it went and what they know. Don't start by telling them what your child told you. Bond with your kids friends parents and teachers. Once you know them, you can ask questions and spell out your concerns and see if they respond likewise. Oh, we don't allow guns in the house or we keep a gun in the closet for protection or ... See the sex violators list for that neighborhood. Have that child spend the night at your place first next time and invite the parents over first so they can meet you and ask questions. You can share what precautions you take to ensure they don't slip out in the night to "teepee" a house or put shaving cream on the car or door of a neighbor who was rude to them once. Etc.

My daughter is turning 9 next month. She has only ever spent the night at families house and 1 friends house (I've known her mom for 15 years) Sleepovers scare me... lol, I was a little girl once and I know what trouble can be had when parents are supervising!

to answer your question directly NO! but if I have met the parents and know they kid well enough to know how the parents supervise, then yes. If I were in your shoes I'd go over the rules with your daughter... there are somethings that she just wont understand because of her age and like someone else said, you don't have to explain your reasons, (although I do offer one explanation so my kids will learn decision making processes, and that decisions are not random) I think I would be most upset at the Grandmother and parent for making a change that was not approved, your daughter probably fell to peer pressure and simply being unaware of the possible dangers.

I think I'd turn down future sleep overs with this family unless they are at your house or till you get to know the parent a lot better! I usually try to get together with other Mothers of my kids friends, for lunch or coffee, to get to know them better. I figure if they can't understand my concerns they obviously dont share my parenting style and that for me is a red flag!!! We have done a lot of sleep overs with very close friends at very young ages, (2-3 years old, partly because of my former Job) but only with those that are like family to us. now that my boys are getting older they are getting sleep over requests more often and I have always known the parents pretty well if they were sleeping over, if they are going to a new friends house to play for the first time I still go over and visit with the parent for a few minutes before I leave them there, only once was a Mom anti social about it, I allowed my son to stay for about 2 hours but it wont happen again unless I stay the whole time, as I have learned more about the family and I'm not comfortable with the Mom any more.

you have a right to be angry, and saying NO is perfectly okay!

No, but my kiddo is 7, but at 10, I don't believe I would allow it either. Still a little too vulnerable. . .
It can be difficult to know what to do in the heat of the moment. I think you handled it extremely well.
I don't think it is weighing too much on you, but make sure your daughter knows that it doesn't matter if she understands why, it is your decision and that is that.;)
However, if this is a friend and your daughter will be spending time with, maybe you and the other mom could meet for a "girl's day" and all four go see an appropriate aged movie, grab some dessert, etc.

Nope
If I don't know the parents no way.
My son is 15 and this rule still holds for me.

:)

It seems like you don't feel OK about it, but sort of enabled it and are leaving it up to your daughter to not do it, even though the gate was open. I'm not faulting you, I can see how that would easily happen and I'd be UNHAPPY too if it did.

Personally, I'm no fan of the concept. My kids aren't that age yet, but I'm not going to allow it unless I know the family REALLY WELL. I got to go on sleepovers when I was young, and all kinds of nonsense went on that I wouldn't want my daughter involved in. Watching a show would be no big deal to me, but lots of other stuff would. The texting alone opens a whole can of worms that 10 year olds don't need. I'm sure she was fine, but she did break the rule.

I would rein it in personally on the sleep overs. They aren't necessary. And DEFINITELY not when you don't know the people. It's not relevant how she feels about it. Kids always feel like everything will be fine if they want to do it.

No way. My girls didn't get to sleepover till the age of 16 when they can defend themselves.

No. And your daughter does not need to understand this right now. She will appreciate it some day. I do now!

My daughter will be 18 next week and I still require an address where she will be. I never let my kids visit another house much less a sleepover unless I knew the responsible adult there. Your daughter called you and you were not available to take her call - what would you have had her do? When my child is gone (even my 19 year old), my cell is attached to me in case they need me - so, some of the problem was her not being able to get in touch with you...I would tell her it is a safety issue and a rule and leave it at that - I would also be careful of letting your rules 'slide' as firm guidance is important for teens and very hard to maintain if you 'slide' at times. Your rule is a good one - stick to it.

No unless I know the parents I do not allow sleep overs. I need to meet them. And now that she is ten we got her a cellphone. Not for messing around but for any sleep overs or play dates. she needs to call us and say good night and when she wakes up in the morning. Actually a funny story. one time she got invited to a sleep over birthday party and we said no we didnt know the family but she could stay till 10 and we'd coem pick her up. We'll we went to drop her off and low and behold I did know the dad because he did work for my company. So at 10p I ended up relenting and she had a great time. But there were like 7 other girls so she wasnt alone. She is ten has only had approximately 7 sleep overs at someone elses house. She has had a few at my house though.

Um, no. Do you know whether they have guns in the house? Whether they have loaded, unlocked guns in the house?

The problem I have is that the grandmother and mother didn't call you to make sure that the change was all right or to at least notify you. You have the right to know where your child is at all times in case of emergencies on your end or her end.

I also think you're being hard on your daughter. She's 10 years old and was the responsibility of the grandmother, so why aren't you giving the grandmother flack for this? How is this your daughter's fault? The grandmother and mother are the ones that made the decision even if the kids went along with it or even if they came up with the idea. And the grandmother and mother should have been the ones to notify you.

Your DAUGHTER is the one that told you what was going on. Did you ask to speak with the adult that was in charge? Did you call the grandmother to find out what happened? Why didn't you put an end to the sleepover if it bothered you that much? I think that you're misdirecting the responsibility and disappointment here and need to have a discussion with the grandmother.

Not generally.
Does the mom work? Maybe that was why they 'were' going to stay there then decided to go back to the friend's house but had to be back at grandma's in the a.m.?

I used to let my daughter go spend the night at a friends house when I didn't know the parents well until she went to a birthday party sleep over (about 10 girls) and the parents (I know a little but not well) thought that watching austin powers was age appropriate for 9 and 10 year old little girls. My daughter saw what it was a went down stairs and told the mother she was not allowed to watch that movie and the mother told her she was silly for not watching with her friends. Last time she went there for anything!
So now she doesn't go any where that I don't know the parents really well and I check in on her several times.

No, sorry - if I don't personally know the family - my kids don't go.

Great that the family is active at the school...ask for the mom to meet you at Starbucks for a chat...anything like that...

but I personally wouldn't go until I met the parents!

No way! People are crazy and its usually the normal looking ones that scare me the most! Good for her sticking to the rules!