Do You Let Your Teenager Bring a Friend on Family Vacations?

Family vacation is family vacation. No to the friend. I agree with hubby, he's ready for just family.

We've never brought any friends along on any vacations.
Friends are not family and so don't go along on family vacations.
When I was 15 (way back in the dark ages before email and cell phones) -
I sent post cards to friends back home when I went away.

I have O. child. A tween boy.
Since our extended family isn't vacationing with us this year, he's taking a buddy. And that buddy (also an "only") is taking my son on their vacation next month. Pretty cool...double vacations for both of them!
I think your husband is being unreasonable about your 15 year old spending O. night/day with her friend.
She'll never forget that.
Are there planned activities she'll be missing or simply a night with The Fam?

We have 1 child and while we didn't take a friend every time, we did take friends many times when we went on vacation.

We paid 100% for the guest and it was usually one of daughters good friends who had spent a lot of time with us.

I see your point about the upcoming trip. Why on earth would she not be allowed to see her friend while there? She's 15, her siblings are much younger. She'll be moving off to college in 3 short years. Is dad generally overprotective like this?

I hope she does get to see her friend. 15yr olds are all about being social!

You're right. Hubby's not. As long as she's not ditching you every day, she should have a bit of time to hang with her friend. And when your son CARES to bring a friend, then he can.

I think she should be able to spend a night with her friend.

Yes, when possible I thought it was great to have them bring a friend along when they were teens. I liked my kids' friends, and it was fun to bring them along.

Your husband is wrong about it being "unfair" to the 9 year old. There is a big age difference, and all things don't have to be equal or "fair." Anyway, when your 9 year old is 15, he will be happy that you allow friends on vacations.

I'm with you.

Your side/point of view sounds reasonable. I also understand your husband wanting his own space (not have an extra person outside the family in the room).

Your husband seems to want things equal as opposed to fair. At least as far as the 9 year old being allowed to bring a friend too.

No, this is the time to truly bond with family. It forces her to interact with all of you and for all of you to become closer. As an adult I am thankful my parents kept our family vacations with just family. It created memories and great bonds between my siblings and my parents.

i'm with you. i think your husband is being a curmudgeon. 15 year olds are looking out past their families, and if families are smart and want to keep their 15 year olds happy about being part of a family, they won't try to imprison them within.
our 'family' includes a host of kids who spiral in and out. vacations, field trips, and temporary living situations have all happened, and our house remains open to 'em all.
i do disagree with you about making the younger kid suck it up and only play with his brother. if he doesn't care, that's fine, but i'd let him bring a friend from time to time too.
but yeah, it's a bigger deal to the teenagers.
khairete
S.

If I let one kid bring a friend, I wouild let them each bring one.
A nine year old and a four year old really don't play the same, and playing with a four year old isn't that much fun for a nine year old.
If having three extra people on one trip is too expensive, let them take turns. Heloise got to bring a friend camping, so Aloysius gets to bring a friend when we go to the beach, and Hubert gets to bring a friend when we go to Six Flags. Although at four, I would probably say no to a friend, because that age has to be watched much more closely than I would want to have to be with someone else's kid on my vacation.
Letting her go visit her friend while on vacation wouldn't be a problem for me.

Yes, I'd let her. Imagine how much happier the other 4 nights will be!

I'd give her one night and one day. That's it.

But I want to point out that your husband already shared her for several other vacations. Stop pushing him. He knows that in just a few short years, there will be no more of these vacations with your daughter. It doesn't really matter that you disagree. You've gotten what you've wanted already, several times over. Respect his wishes.

We always took a friend for our son, once they were 13 and there were no issues with the friend missing his parents, unable to be responsible, willing to eat our food, and so on. The kids had to be old enough to be alone together, not so young that we had to babysit the additional kid. If we went on a family reunion, no friend. Just us in a beach house, friend could come.

It's not just about your daughter "having fun" beyond the family - it's about teaching her responsibility, like being a good guest in someone else's home, about being a good hostess to her friend in your home, about learning to live in the same room as a girlfriend (good practice for college dorm life), and possibly about babysitting your 2 younger ones so you and your husband can go out for a leisurely adult dinner or whatever else you would choose if you didn't have 3 kids in tow. I'd offer your daughter some sort of "exchange" or compromise - maybe a night with her friend, a night with both of them at your house, and a night of babysitting (with or without her friend). And of course there would be some times with just your immediate family.

Your 9 year old isn't interested, so there's no issue with "fairness". Besides, kids acquire different privileges at different ages anyway - bed time, staying home alone, going to the movies without an adult, driving, operating a lawn mower, and a zillion other things.

So, for me, if your daughter started having a friend at 13, then that's the age for other 2 kids to start.

What we did when we invited a friend was to write a letter to the parents of the child, giving our dates and our invitation, saying we'd be in a vacation cottage and we'd pay for XYZ (meals, admission charges for mini golf, etc.), the kid had to pay for his own souvenirs and tee shirts (and our son had to earn his own spending money for that stuff beforehand), what privileges we were allowing them, what expectations we had (everyone helps clean and vacate the house on checkout day, including cleaning the fridge and the bathrooms and hauling luggage), and sort of what our style of "operating" was. Then the parents could discuss with their child, and get back to us with questions or an acceptance/decline. It really set the whole thing up for success, with the kid knowing what the expectations were (yes, you can help yourself to what's in the fridge; no, you can't go in the surf without a buddy and without telling us where you are). We had some great trips.

Usually the family sent some sort of a "hostess" gift, either cash to have their child treat us to ice cream or something else. That was a nice gesture and it taught our son how to be a good guest with other families.

I hope you and your husband can negotiate something with your teen.

It's too bad that what's working for the rest of the family isn't what your husband wants/expects.
It seems to me that by letting her spend just one night/day out of four with her friend is a reasonable compromise.
Good luck, some men can be just as stubborn and difficult as some women.

We were never given this option. Family vacations were for family only. I think it is a great idea. If your husband wants one which is only family, I think that is a reasonable request. She can visit with her friend any other time of year.

Best,
F. B.

While I definitely think family time is important, as a kid, who wasn't the oldest but the most mature, when I lived in a foster home, I ALWAYS had to watch the other kids........ some of the time I didn't mind.. but as a teenager, yes there comes a point when you do want to hang out with your own kind :) by that I mean.. other teens.. one day away to hang out at the boardwalk would be a great idea.. it could give your husband a chance to bond with the boys and have a special day with them...

I don't think I'd let my child bring a friend on every vacation because it could get distracting.. however, if it were a camping trip and let's say everyone would be swimming or hiking as a group, then I don't see a problem.. it's the smaller more intimate trips that I would keep as just the family...
Because this situation isn't going to stop with this child, you have two others who have now seen a pattern emerge... consider doing this..
do more two or three day trips.. this way, although it's less time, it can be more quality.. think of things that all three children would like to do together.. a five day... well, that is a lot for a teen to spend with just the family. :) you know teens... they don't view time as we do.. while it feels like time is slipping away for us.. to them, it's dragging on and on.. especially if they feel caged up with their family...

My parents always did, and my husband and I have rarely done it with our kids. That being said, I grew up in a family of girls and I have boys who don't seem to care about bringing a friend LOL.

I can see your husband's point, but I'd probably let her spend the one night with her friend.

She will be gone very soon, off to college, and it really is nice to have family-only time.

PS: I wouldn't worry about the 9 yr-old son right now, but I would think about what kind of precedent I'm setting for when he hits 15.

My husband would be the opposite of yours. He would be the one saying an enthusiastic yes to our DD (14) meeting up with a friend who happened to be at the same vacation spot.

I would let her meet the friend for a morning and maybe another afternoon (not whole days but half-days). Those would be excellent times for your husband to have some guy time with his son, while you go off and do whatever you like best, mom. Try presenting that to dad. Your son probalby would love to have some one on one time with dad without his sister or even you around!

I probably, myself, would say no to the overnight. You do need your family time. In our family, hanging out at night together is something we all enjoy when in a hotel. But our family also would be likely to invite the friend and the rest of her family to go out to dinner while we were all there. How would your husband feel about doing that just one night? Do you know the other girl's parents (and if not, would you like to)?

Regarding the fact son does not get to bring a friend: "Fair" does not mean "Each child gets to do the same thing." It means that each child gets what he or she most needs, and frankly, a teen needs more away time and peer time. And I think there also should be some privileges of age. Younger siblings can get their turn at those privileges when their time comes. There is nothing wrong with saying that at a certain age, and not before, a kid can bring a friend.

It's telling that your husband is reluctant about any friends on any trips. If these kids have behaved well and politely, and your DD is not pushing the boundaries by (for instance) doing things with her guest-friends that get her and them into trouble -- what's your husband's complaint? Maybe he works a lot of hours and doesn't do a lot with them except during vacation times so he feels understandably possessive about "his time" with the kids? Maybe his own family upbringing never would have included "outsiders" but only the closest nuclear family, so this seems strange to him? Maybe he doesn't like the idea that he's responsible for someone else's child away from home? I would suggest you and he talk, without the kids around, and that you gently ask him to think about why this creates tension for him. You see it very differently, and I'd acknowledge to him that while you feel your DD should be bringing friends at times, you do want to understand where he's coming from.

One other thing -- if your DD does see her friend while you're at the beach, please do limit their time together so they're not asking and asking to be together every single day. Your husband possibly sees this as, "I put up with sharing my family on the two short vacations and now I have to share them at the beach, and that wasn't the original deal." I can see how he might feel that way, so approach him with a lot of respect for that perspective. But I do tend to agree with you, as one mom of a teen girl to another mom of a teen girl; however, I'd also want to better understand why he's concerned or worried or just wanting all-family time. My husband is very different and always asking, "Would Daughter like to invite a friend along?" to all kinds of events and outings. But if your husband is, in general, an introverted person -- that could be the root of his resistance, and deserves some slack.

Some of the time it'd be ok, if it were financially feasible and practical regarding the accommodations you have arranged. I would NOT agree to do it for every trip.

Spending some time (hours)with her friend while at the shore (have her pick a day) would be ok. But I wouldn't allow the overnight. AND I would be sure that the other times when you are not allowing her to go off with her friend, that you aren't sitting around your accommodations staring at the wall. DO something. Either out and about (sightseeing/activities) or play games or watch movies as a family or SOMETHING. But to do nothing but "relax" like you would at home and not allow her to go off with her friend will cause resentment. If you insist she be there to be a part of the family, be sure the family is doing something to be a part of. :)

We did, but we also had no qualms saying "they need to pay their way" or "not this time, it's just family". In fact, we are going on a trip and my adult SS's GF cannot come, so he asked if his best friend (practically a son to us) could come. We've taken the friend with us several times and I would be happy to have him along.

I would talk to your DH about give and take. If her friend is also going to be there, what is truly the harm of her spending some but not too much/all her time with that friend? I personally found it to be nice not to have to entertain a teenager. Mind you, these were very carefully chosen friends. Not everybody gets to tag along to the lake with us. If we weren't close to the family, the kid could not come. Period. There were also times when only one of them could bring a friend. It would not have been fair to punish the first kid for the second, so we tried to spend extra time with the solo kid instead. Or if a kid could only have a friend along for part of the trip, they dealt with it. Life is often about compromise. Would your DH be unhappy if he knew a friend of HIS would be there, that he wanted to see, but you said no? Adults are not = to kids but it might give him perspective.

I would try to determine your DH's actual problem and go from there. Is it that he sees it as family time? Is he worried about her pouting? Does your DD have a habit of stretching the rules? You said your 9 yr old doesn't care - so I would remind DH that as your children age, they will all get the same privileges when they get there. I see no problem with a younger child not getting the same as an older child. What your DH should do is take the opportunity to spend extra time with the younger kids, IMO.

I'm okay with it sometimes, but not every time. I think your daughter can handle a 4 day beach vacation with just her family.

I don't think it's unfair for your 9 year old at all. The maturity difference between a 15 year old and a 9 year old is huge. I, as a parent, wouldn't want to bring a 8/9/10 year old friend and deal with that. Two 15 year olds aren't such a big deal because they pretty much watch themselves.

So, the final answer to me is...yes, we'd allow our teen to bring a friend on family vacations, but not every family vacation. And if my husband wanted to only have family for 1/3 of those mini vacations, I wouldn't argue the issue because the teen already gets to bring the friend to 2/3 of them. Regardless of whether she's 15 and doesn't want to hang out with her family or not, you should be having family-only time. in 3-4 years, she'll get plenty of time away from you.

i would let them hang out together but not let her stay the night with them. tell your daughter that its a family only vacation and your letting her have some time with a friend so its a compromise.

My parents always let me bring a friend on family vacations (I was the only child at home) and I went on quite a few vacations with my friends families. I let my kids bring friends on all kinds of family outings and sometimes on family vacations, but my kids have each other to hang around with too. I don't see a problem if you can afford it and have room for it. Maybe your husband is uncomfortable around other people's kids?

You'll be setting a precident not just for future vks but also for your younger kids. I think she should be mature enough to do one pure family VK when she already has two trips bringing a friend

Yes, I would allow a friend to tag along. We just returned from 2 weeks in Hawaii and allowed our 17 year old to bring someone along who she likes to hang out with since we figured she wouldn't want to be chained to us for the entire trip. If you do several family vacations why not let her include a friend on this one.

Your side/point of view sounds reasonable. I also understand your husband wanting his own space (not have an extra person outside the family in the room).

Your husband seems to want things equal as opposed to fair. At least as far as the 9 year old being allowed to bring a friend too.