Do You Think I Was Being Weird About This???

Dear Mama Bear,
No need for anybody to bathe with anybody else - no matter the age. Nudity has to be consenual. (sp?) Stick to you guns!
Good luck!
From another proud Mamma Bear

I think you were right about not allowing sleepovers. I never could understand any adults not feeling strange about being naked around children. It's not necessary, Just wanted you to know I feel you are right. You are a good mom. J.

you're a good mom....both of my sons' gmas never pushed the boundaries when it meant something to me. :)

Updated

you're a good mom....both of my sons' gmas never pushed the boundaries when it meant something to me. :)

I'm with you. There is NO need for a child to shower with someone other then their parent. Really, though...that's beside the point. You were respectful about your request. YOU are the PARENT. What you say goes. You don't like it. So, she better respect your wishes. Frankly your mom shows a pretty big lack of boundaries and respect for children's bodies, based on all you've said. I wouldn't let my kid take a shower with her, either. In fact, I'd be uncomfortable allowing my child stay the night. What makes you think she'd protect your daughter? Bottom line, YOU don't want it. She can't go there. Not if she has an ounce of respect for you. I wouldn't let my kid get near a shower with that women. You were a lot nicer then I would have been. You did the right thing.

I'm with you too. Tell your mother that, in fact, you did not "grow up fine" because you have memories of absolutely hating the co-showering, and also of her dismissing your report of being molested. Either she AND YOUR FATHER agree to no co-bathing, or there's no overnight visit or at least no bath. Stand your ground. It's not up to you to get her to agree or understand. I don't know of anyone who bathed with their grandchildren/grandparents nor do I know of any authorities who endorse it. Accidental exposure to a naked grandma is one thing (a kid bursting in while Grandma is dressing or using the shower) but intentional group bathing is provocative and designed to show off or invite questions your daughter isn't ready to handle. Say no and stick to it. If your father will not stand up to your mother (which he may not since you don't say that he has stepped up to defend you in the past when you were a kid), then there is no overnight.

I don't think you are being weird, but that isn't really the issue. Let's say, for the sake of argument, you ARE being weird...she's your kid and it is your right to make that type of decision, regardless of your mother's opinion.

I don't feel that your Mom is a trustworthy person to be with your daughter. You were molested as a child and your mother did nothing about it and then dismissed your concerns. She was not there to protect you -- she will not protect your child.

Well, I'm with you. I cannot imagine bathing with a child who is not mine. I think it's odd that your mom would bath/shower with your niece.

Is there some reason you MUST leave your daughter overnight with your Mom? I would not do it.

Sorry.

:(

I'm with you, I never liked showering with my mom either when I was little. I think it's a personal issue. I dont recall either of my grandmothers trying to bathe with me, so I think it's a tad on the unusual side.
Just let your mom know that you never felt comfortable with it and it's not something you want your daughter to feel either... so you don't do it at your house. And tell her your sorry she raised a 'weirdo'. haha.

i see what you mean. i only trust my daughter to bathe with a select few people (women in my family). i only trust them because my daughter is comfortable enough to say ok i will or no i wont. i dont ever force her. usually day to day she showers with me in the morning.
i dont think you are wrong in requesting it. its your personal comfort level and should be respected.

Ummm, your Mom doesn't understand boundaries, pure and simple.

You don't have an overnight with someone (your first one), even a Grandparent, and then shower with one of them. Pancakes for breakfast, getting to stay up late, yes, but a co-SHOWER when you have no history of doing that, NO!

And her reaction: it is as if she is choosing to forget the painful history around your being molested. And that makes ME uncomfortable. You weren't too hard on her; she should have been more understanding.

I completely agree with your views on this issue. Boundaries NEED to be respected and if you don't trust your mother to respect yours (or your child's), you should not send your daughter there. I think this is bigger than the showering - it's about respecting your perspective on ANY issue.

PS- I'm sorry to hear about the molestation. How confusing to grow up feeling/knowing something happened to you, but having it dismissed or brushed over by your own mother. You're doing a wonderful job at not letting the same thing happen to your daughter - it sounds like you are being her advocate - what a wonderful gift for her, as well as modeling such strong behavior. You go, Mama!

I do not think you were being "weird" about this issue. I would not be comfortable with another adult bathing with my child.

There is no logical reason that your mother would have to bathe with your daughter. If you mom has health or physical reasons that make it difficult to bend over a tub and/or lift a small child, then she should not be the adult in charge at bath time.

It is concerning that she dismissed you and became angry when you expressed your views on this subject. It sounds from your description that she had every intent on bathing with your daughter. Otherwise, why would she be so upset with your very appropriate request?

Please, don't second-guess yourself. You are the parent, and therefore, you are the one to set the rules for what you deem acceptable when it comes to your child. You do not owe anyone, including your mother, any apology for anything when it comes to decisions you make about the health, safety, and well-being of your child.

If your mom doesn't like that, that will have to be her problem to work on.

Trust your instincts when it comes to your parenting decisions.

Best to you and your family,

J. F.

It wouldn't bother me for my mom to shower with my daughter, but as another person said, she's YOUR daughter and your mom should abide by YOUR wishes, whether or not she agrees with them.

I think a 2 yo is young enough, but no not at 4 YO.... and given your history w/ your mother, NO for any age!

Bottom line is you have to follow your gut and what you're comfortable with and it's - no showering AT ALL.

I don't think you're a weirdo.... but I do think it's weird that someone would take issue w/ a parent NOT wanting them to be naked w/ their child. That's weird!

I know some people who have done that. A good friend of mine, actually, has taken baths with her grandson (nobody else was home, or he just wanted to because she lets him use tons of bubbles in a big bathtub, lol). And I don't see anything wrong with it if all parties are comfortable. It also is a situation where Grandma is a primary caregiver, as they all live in the same house--the grandson isn't there only for visits.

Anyway, whatever they are all agreeable to. As for me and mine---no. We are more private and I never bathed/showered with either of our kids. Neither did my husband. The closest thing would be hubby standing in the shower holding our son (less than a year old) to rinse beach sand off him before handing him out to me, so hubby could finish his shower. We just don't. Not comfortable with it, and it really never came up or was something we discusses and "decided" not to do. It never even occurred to either of us. Our parents didn't bathe/shower with us....

And if YOU are not comfortable with it, then your mom should respect your decision. Period. YOU are the one who gets to decide who your daughter bathes/showers with. That is not something that falls under "grandmotherly discretion". If she won't agree to refrain, like you've asked her, then she is not someone I would let my child stay with overnight.

And no need to feel like you are being "the bad guy" here, either. Good for you for standing up for yourself as a parent to your daughter!

ETA: I want to add, that I think it is very healthy for our kids to learn at a young age that our bodies are private. Learning that they are private and special is not the same thing as being taught that bodies are "bad". Not at all.

It's your business and your child and your mom needs to respect your wishes.

Personally. It does sound a little tightly wound to me. Please don't teach your daughter that her body is "bad". I would hope you'd want her to have a healthy self esteem and there is nothing wrong with a human body.

My mom was wound tightly and she was mortified when I accidently saw her nude. I was about 8th grade. I laughed in her face because it was so stupid. I said something to the effect of we are both female.... Don't you think I know and understand my body? Gees

I know I'm more open minded than many. I'm the one in the gym showering and changing as I need to. Same with busy dressing rooms. Geez.

You are not "wrong" in how you feel but please don't make your daughter that way and have her with esteem and body issues.

The molestation is different. It should have been acknowledged and dealt with. You can move on. I was raped once but something that person will never take from me is my esteem and self worth. He can rot in he$$ but I will never let someone take away my self worth. Yes, I went through a horrid jury trial but still.... I did nothing wrong, I am still a strong person and he will never gain any control mind or whatever over me.

Best wishes.

Nah--actually I think it's kind of on the weird side--a 2 year old granddaughter and her grandma showering together.
I sincerely hope she respects your wishes.
And if she didn't--I'd have to re0thing the overnight visits.

I don't think you're being weird at all. I would not, under any circumstances, feel comfortable with my children showering with anyone but me. As you have pointed out in your post, it has nothing to do with you showering with your children, but it has everything to do with your MOTHER showering with your children.

Considering how she dismissed how your molestation was handled, that would give me even more of a reason not to allow it. My mother thinks it's OK for my daughter to sleep in the bed with my 29 year-old brother. Needless to say, there are no sleep overs at my mothers house. We don't much of a relationship, but even if we did, it wouldn't be happening.

Don't let your mother con you into thinking you're over-reacting. She's minimizing your concerns and that's not cool Stick to you guns and tell her it's not acceptable.

P.S. You should strongly consider the overnight visits. I don’t mean to be disrespectful of your mother, but something isn't right there for her not to protect you and then dismissing your concerns. I would have pulled the plug on that long ago.

I always threw my daughters in the shower with me, because it was easy. Once they started becoming aware, it stopped. Once they started asking for privacy, they showered solo.

I grew up in a house where it wasn't okay to run from the bathroom to your bedroom in a towel. All it taught me was to be embarrassed about my body; not modesty.

If the kids aren't aware of it and they're comfortable, it's okay.

After that, I would respect their privacy; they deserve it, as do I, you know?

Based on your mom's reactions, I think that you're right that she doesn't understand your need for privacy, for yourself and for your family.

Kudos to you for standing up to her. Don't back down. Don't let her make you feel guilty. If you need to, remind her how uncomfortable you felt about it, and that you hated being forced to do it and that you will _not_ allow your child(ren) to be put into a situation where they are uncomfortable like that. Because it is not okay. How can anyone expect a child or adult to learn to set healthy boundaries (like telling a person she's dating no, if they are pushing for her to unrobe, etc.) if we, their caretakers don't respect their "No" or "I'm not comfortable with this"? Even down to tickling--if I'm playing & tickling my son and he says to stop, I respect that--it's his body and he knows what he does and does not want to happen to it.

Hi-
You are the parent and if you are uncomfortable with it, then it is your mom's job to respect your decision. Honestly I think your mom is so out of line and it makes me wonder why she is insisting on being naked in front of your daughter. I'm glad that you are ticking to your gut and not allowing sleepovers. Something just doesn't feel quite right to me.

My kids showered with both me and their (maternal) grandma, BUT (and this is a BIG but) I didn't have any problem with it. I have always been extremely grateful that my parents respect my parenting decisions and wouldn't argue something like that with me.

Your child, your rules, and, as I have said to my children on many occasions, different families have different rules and that doesn't mean anyone's rules are wrong, just different.

My oldest son did miss out on some time at his (paternal) grandma's house because she refused to enforce (acknowledge) the rules, but she eventually realized that I was not joking and that if she wanted to know her grandson, she needed to respect that I was his mother (and rule-maker.)

I do not think you are overreacting at all. I would have a sh*tfit if my mom did this! And it is not that I am uncomfortable with nakedness, in fact I can kind of dream up this Utopian village-like community in which all of us women were bathing communally and it was not weird in any way. I think the human is body is beautiful and it is good to teach our children ways not to be ashamed of it.

However, in this case it is not appropriate because, for one thing that is the kind of experience you should have with your daughter if you so choose, not with your mom. Sadly, we do not live in that imaginary Utopia I described and therefore, it is not her place to enforce this custom that is clearly not normal in our society. The thing that irks me more than anything is that she seems to really want to make a point of doing this. Why? Is it really necessary to make the entire family go through this rite of passage of seeing grandmas privates? My son is 3 and he has never even been given a bath by my mom. Not that I'd mind, but still. Bathing is a very intimate thing. Children have a sense of modesty even when they're very young. When it comes to things like this, she must defer to your rules or else she is not going to have unsupervised time with her grandchildren.

I know it is much less weird than than your example, but when my son was a little over a year, and had some food allergies, I went through this phase where my mom would constantly defy my instructions on what to feed him, rather what not to feed him. I am still resentful to this day that she's responsible for getting him addicted to sugar, and now it is this big power struggle between my son and I. He harasses me to give him candy and sweets all day long. I fed him healthy snacks as a baby, mostly fruits and always diluted his juice but had him drinking water regularly. I wasn't a nazi about sugar, I just tried to keep it so he ate mostly unprocessed goodies and kept a taste for natural sweets. Then I had a month where my mom watched him twice a week for a few hours a day, and I'd catch her giving him GIANT bottles full of undiluted mango juice full of HFC. And constant sugary snacks, all afternoon. Anyway, it was hard for me to stand up to her because I needed her help, and because I know how much she loves him, but I did.
Good luck!

I wouldn't have a problem with my daughter showering with my mom. But, that's just me. We are a very close family. You're mom, however, should respect your wishes and not make it a big deal. She is YOUR daughter. Everyone feels differently about situations, and this is how you feel about co-showering. She has to except that.

Okay, full disclosure. We definitely take family showers. As in me, my husband, our 4 year old girl, and our baby all pile in and get clean. No biggie.

That said, I would hit the roof if any other adult showered with either of my girls. We are her parents. We know the rules about how to respect her body (as in we don't wash her without her permission!), and we have certain ways that we explain bodily functions that we feel are appropriate for her age.

I would absolutely not feel comfortable at all with the situation your mom is putting you in. Frankly, I'm curious as to why it's so important to her to want to get naked in front of kids. It's one thing to be kind of a nudist (I totally am). But it's something else entirely to insist on nudity when it clearly makes others uncomfortable. To me, that crosses a pretty serious line.

You're not being weird. There is something about this situation that feels wrong in your gut, right? Your gut doesn't lie. Don't back down. Your mom has some pretty serious boundary issues, and you're right to seek to protect your daughter.

No. I would also NOT let my child allow with her because she does not understand molestation or respect your wishes.

You were not weird about it and kudos to you for saying something. I personally don't like the co-bathing thing...with other kids either. If it an adult is going to be in the shower/bath with a young child (toddler age or younger) they should have their bathing suits on (in my opinion).

I would tell your mom that your daughter can't spend the night (unless you bath her before she goes and pick her up before her next bath). Your mom knows how you feel and obviously is going to do as she sees fit. It doesn't matter that "you turned out fine"...it matters that you didn't like it AND it's your daughter...not hers.

It sounds like your mom has some issues with boundaries, and she took your request as a personal insult on her own parenting of you.

You have every right to make that request and stick by it. I wouldn't trust her to abide by that rule.

Hello, I think you are perfectly right in standing up for how you feel. I also don't have a problem with parents bathing or showering with their small children. However, I do believe there is a young age where that should stop. I also don't believe that ANYONE else should bathe or shower with someone else's child. I have five grandchildren and I would NEVER bathe or shower with or in front of them. That is not my place. My husband and I had custody of one of our grandsons when he was five months old to three and a half. I never bathed with or in front of him. That is just not right. If I were you, I wouldn't allow her to keep her overnight with this attitude. Sorry.
Also, molestation is molestation whether it is done by an adult or another child. That boy probably did this before and again after. Your mother was wrong to dismiss this. I am sorry that she didn't listen better to you. You have grown up to be a great mother.
Good luck with your precious little girl.

No, I do not think you are being weird at all. You are the mother and the decisions about how to raise your daughter and what to expose her to are yours!!!!! I took a few showers with my girls (like when we came home from the pool) when they were little and I wore a bathing suit. When they asked why I was wearing a suit I told them that I wanted my private parts to be covered and they would feel the same way when they were a bit older. If your daughter sleeps over and your mother breaks your rule, then you must limit your daughters time with her. You probably have to give your mom the chance to follow your wishes and you need to let your daughter know what she should and should not do with grandma. If your mom goes against your wishes, I would limit her time with your daughter as she will prove that she can't be trusted and does not see you as in charge of your daughter's life. Sorry about all of this. Ugh.

You are well within your rights and responsibilities as a parent. It would never cross my mother's mind to shower with my children. Why is it necessary? I could see if my mother was absolutely unable for some reason to shower when my son was asleep or with my dad... but "just because"? No way.

I don't shower with my son. When he was little and we were home alone and I needed to shower, I brought toys into the bathroom and he played while I took a quick shower with the curtain 1/2 open so I could see him. I'm not crazy about my privacy so if he sees and asks, I answer. Do I want it a topic at preschool? Nope.

You weren't too hard on her. In fact, I think you handled it really well.

If you are uncomfortable with it, then you did the right thing in setting your boundary and sticking to it. Your mom needs to learn to respect your wishes when it comes to your daughter. I have guardianship of my GD but I still include mom, and consider her feelings, when making decisions regarding "our" girl. Not that I always do what she wants, but I do discuss with her and consider her point of view. Sometimes I relent, sometimes not.

Didn't read all the responses, but this is YOUR child and YOUR rights. And I 200% agree with YOU. Why would ANYONE need to shower or bathe w/ your child? It's creepy. I don't care who it is!!!

It is what it is...you know what you want and your mother should respect you and your choices...and NOT question it or even comment on it. I agree, she should not shower with her. I am against little kids (no matter their age) showering with ANYONE; even siblings. Just my opinion. To each their own...good luck.

Whether if be a bathing issue, discipline issue, or food issue....any issue is valid and should be respected by others including our mothers. Now with that said, isn't it strange how we continue to doubt our loyalty or respect for our parents when we want to stand up as adults. You sound like you were incredibly fair and polite with this request and should not have to get into the unfortunate past or history to validate your request...as a matter of fact, I find it to be very mature of you not to go there as it would skew the intent of your request and turn it possibly into "your problem" versus your decision as a parent.

You are well and secure with this request and with any others that you feel as a mother. This is a little different because we are talking about nudity and bathing and it is a sensitive subject for children and parents. Boundaries are important and I get where you are coming from. It simply does not matter if anyone would let their child bathe with a grandparent or not, it is your personal feeling and right as a woman, adult and parent to do what is right for your family.

:)

Your daughter, your rules. (I'm totally with you, by the way... but even if I weren't, my statement stands.)

I am very cautious with my daughter (I know on a personal level the things that can and do happen all the time). That being said I would be totally comfortable with my mom showering with my daughter but, she never would even think of doing that. And, that's probably why I'd be okay with it.

But, if I were in your shoes I would do EXACTLY what you have done. And, if my parents didn't follow my rules, they would have limited contact with my children.

Keep up the good work. Your daughter is very lucky to have you for a mom.

You are not a weirdo...as the previous poster said, "Your daughter, your rules."

I would have done exactly the same...