Done Having Children - Husband Is Balking at Getting Snipped!

Tell him that you are sick and tired of him being a baby about it. Tell him that he needs to suck it up and go in and talk to his doctor or you will go in and do that for him and make the appt. GL

M

Theres a new process where no scalpel is needed, just a numbing cream, little poked holes and a burst of air. My husbands getting that next month. But if there wasnt such a new 'technique" he'd still be getting snipped.

Hes seen me rip and be cut open, hes about to see it again in 7 months. hes seen my nipples bleed and my body gain and lose 50 lbs twice.

Hes not arguing about a little procedure. You should let him read our responses.

Stop having sex with him. Yes, I'm serious. When he starts to complain, tell him that a deal is a deal and he can man up or be celibate but you are DONE with being responsible for birth control. Perhaps once he sees that there is no other option he'll get it done. Sorry you're dealing with this - I have zero tolerance for big baby husbands!

Oh and to really drive you point home, buy yourself a battery-operated-boyfriend (if you don't already have one) and don't be shy about letting him know that you're taking care of things yourself and can wait a looooooonnnngggg time for him to see the light.

Are you sure your husband doesn't want any more kids? Perhaps he is just going along with the concept because your opinion is so strong. It's his body. If he doesn't want to have it done, he should have the option to refuse. Women are always saying that we have the right to do what we want with our own bodies, why doesn't he get the same respect? I think you should stop putting so much pressure on him to do what he doesn't want to do with his body.

Well shoot. I'd feel upset too, I'm almost positive.

I'm actually with the others. I wouldn't have sex with my husband. But not to punish him.
It's true, his reproductive system, his choice. Sure, deciding our family size is a joint decision, and when making big choices about our body, I think we *should* listen to one another, and hopefully come to a mutual decison.

Bottom line? Not your testicles.

Same coin, different side, not his uterus. And your family is Both of your family.

You are both DONE having kids.
How do we prevent pregnancy:
1. Abstinence, the only 100 percent guarantee.
2. Birth control, better than nothin' and, depending on the type, an almost guarantee.

Given that you want to have unprotected sex (you are married after all, and in a monogamous relationship), condoms are out. You could be on hormonal birth control, but do NOT want to have hormones affecting your system. "Twenty-four out of every 100 couples who use fertility awareness-based methods each year will have a pregnancy if they don't always use the method correctly or consistently." So fertility awareness doesn't seem like a good fit either.

I can think of a few options:

- divorce (not what either of you wants)
- tubal ligation (not what you want - your body your choice)
- vasectomy (not what he wants - his body his choice)
- non hormonal paraguard copper IUD (maybe something you would consider?) 99.9 percent effective and removable.
- abstinence

Both of your choices and ownership of your bodies makes a lot of sense. Either one of you must come to a different decision, or you don't have sex.

Now, given that you had agreed that he would have a vasectomy after your child was born, and you both agree you don't want more children, and you've been responsible for both ends of reproductive responsibility (bearing children, preventing pregnancy), it certainly seems to my like he could contribute.

um. i think your OB sounds pretty conniving and unprofessional. is she in high school? and i'm sorry, i think the story would be a lot different if your husband was telling you to "man up and get the surgery". it IS his body, and if he's hesitant that's his perrogative. for pete's sake lay off. you can afford to sit back and let him come to terms with it himself instead of being a nag and b**ching at him to try to bully or blackmail him into doing what you want. probably he was feeling unsure and hesitant and you laid into him and it's just made him dig in his heels even more. i don't respond well to bullying either.

He's being totally unfair, but most men i know are the same way about it. My husband DID get it done, but I was CLEAR. I am NOT getting put back on birth control. I have side effects, it's a continuous cost, and I GAVE BIRTH as well as carried THREE children. MAN UP!!!

Tell him if he doesn't do this, it will be condoms for him, EVERY time. And to be even safer, track your cycles. And on the days you would be ovulating, NO SEX at all.He needs to grow up! Doesn't he know or care that you risked your health every time you got pregnant or delivered one of his children? All the "wear and tear" your body went through??
Seriously! Men are such BABIES! Good luck :)

Hi mom-

Sometimes a 'visual aid' will help...

A small crochet hook...some manicure scissors...needle and thread...a lighter (for cautarization (sp?)...bourbon (or alcohol of choice for sterilization of implements...and anesthesia)...

And the phone # of a doc for HIM to call to make the appointment...OR...as he can see...YOU will take matters into YOUR hands...lol

MEN...geesh...

If THEY had the babies...maybe each would have one...

But more likely, FEW would have them after hearing other men...and 'their' birth experiences...

**sigh**

Men...
The 'stronger sex'???

I think not...

Best Luck!
Michele/cat

I'm in the same boat. My husband always said he would get snipped when we were done having kids. Our 3rd and final child will be turning two on Friday....I called the insurance and got the info for him 6 months ago. He still hasn't called for the referral. He's always "too busy". We are not using any form of birth control other than rhythm and withdrawal because I too refuse to put more hormones into my body. We're not having sex very often because we don't want to chance it. I am really getting pissed that he's not doing it. I'm about to turn 36 and don't want any surprises down the road. I have a feeling I'm going to end up having to get an IUD then eventually Essure. It just makes me so mad because I have gone through 3 pregnancies and labors and he can't deal with the possibility of a little pain. Why are they such WUSSES?

I'd share his deep concerns rather than shrug them off as if they shouldn't be important to him. Let him know that you can certainly relate to not wanting to cut into your own very healthy body, either. It is scary and inconvenient, there is the possibility of pain during recovery and other possible side effects. You recognize that he may simply not be up to it. (And he may not.) Be sure he knows you have heard all his fears and arguments. Tell them all back to him in your own words, to be sure you got it right.

Then point out that he's laying all the responsibility on you, and that leaves you feeling (sad, angry, frustrated, outraged, whatever you truly feel.) You wish he would take a little time repeating back to you what he thinks he hears you say, just like you did for him. Tell him your own worries about the forms of birth control available to you, and that they might be harmful or ineffective. How you would feel about getting pregnant again. If you can ask him for what you need clearly and without blame, do it. Maybe, "Dear, I will ask you one time clearly. Do you understand that the relative pain and surgical risks would be higher for me if I get my tubes tied, and are you willing to do this for me and our family?"

If he will give you a clear answer, then you'll know whether or not you'll need to rely upon your own plans. I sure do wish you the best. For what it's worth, I got a tubal ligation over 30 years ago, and the surgery went smoothly, the recovery was perfect, and I have never regretted taking that step for one moment.

There is no reason for you to continue to pump chemicals into your body because he is being a baby. I am not one to normally say to with hold sex or use it as a tool, but in this case I would get off BC, and tell him that you are done having kids, and that until he is "safe" he will not be having any sex. Getting your tubes tied is much much riskier!!! I am guessing the reason withholding sex is not working is because he thinks you will not follow through with the threat. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but I can not imagine a man acting more selfish and with less respect to his wife than to insist she keep risking her health (blood clots, heart attacks, strokes, ect) by being on BC when her can get a procedure that takes less than 20 minutes. My husband was in and out in 20 minutes and back to work in 3 days. You do not need to respect his decision on this, he is not respecting you or your health!

In my opinion if you are done having kids it's your responsibility to get "clipped" go schedule your own appointment.

I think the options for women are just as effective and it's your body, you get it fixed. Research the Essure procedure, it's simple and can be tested for any leaks. Or just get your tubes clipped.

There is a no scalpel vasectomy. It takes less then 15 minutes. Look into that. I wouldn't have sex with him either, but out of fear of pregnancy...not to be manipulative or anything.

If I told my husband no sex was the only option I felt was reliable, he'd be high tailing it to the Dr!! In fact, we are terrified of getting pregnant again, so our sex life is really suffering. (I can't take birth control.) He is counting down the dollars until we can afford a vasectomy. Does your husband know a tubal is easily 3-5 times the cost of a vasectomy??

Well, then I guess you just have to tell him that no sex is the only option.
You don't want anything invasive and chemically altering your body, he doesn't want a vasectomy, you BOTH agree to no more kids....so there is only one conclusion.
I don't know a lot of married couples that enjoy having to use condoms. I would think that he would give in before you did over the holding out with sex, but maybe not. I have a friend whose husband wouldn't get a vasectomy and she gave in because cutting him off was cutting HERSELF off. He did ultimately do it though.
I would have to say that 90% of the married couples I know enjoy sex lives after the husband had a vasectomy. I'm 48 years old. At that age women don't want to worry about a baby or have to fiddle with condoms or take pills. Their husbands are all happily clipped. Simple. Done and over. It didn't make them walk funny or talk like a woman or anything. It didn't emasculate them in any way.
You can't force your husband to do it. It's his body and it sounds like no one is going to be able to talk him into it.
Like I said, you don't want things done with your body. He feels the same way about his. Sounds like you better be careful or you might end up with another child. Condoms break.

I wish you the best. I really do.

Condoms with spermicide seem like the best answer. Don't double up the condom as suggested.. the friction can actually can create holes if layering them.

I don't think he's being ridiculous at all. His body, his choice.... just like it's your body and your choice not to have hormonal birth control. Also, according to many studies, there can be a long term emotional turmoil for men who do it, as well as some pain during intercourse and decreased sex drive in about 20% of men. So for those reasons alone, I wouldn't push him, but respect the decision he is making with his own body.

Men are so weird about their junk! LOL The problem is that you waited too long after the birth of your last child to have it done. It should have been done during those months where the baby is screaming, up all night, etc. He might have been way more quick to do it then (like my husband was).
Look into Essure. I have heard good things about it, and it's non hormonal. Looks like you are going to have to take matters into your own hands.

Seriously, tell him to suck it up. You went through carrying and birthing three babies. The least he can do is go get snipped. It pales in comparison to what you've done.

Hmmm, it sounds like he does not want to be done with the possibility of another kid. Could that be? I think he may just be using the concerns about the actual procedure as an excuse to put it off.

...take a photo of a positive pregnancy test and text it to him...

then wait...

...when he calls and expresses his very strong interest in the photo you just sent him remind him that those little pink lines show up when both parties aren't involved in preventing pregnancy.

just a thought. I won't lie, the slightly evil side of me actually loves this idea.

Maybe if you gathered all the info for his procedure and the cost, recovery time and had him compare it to the cost and recovery time and dangers for you to have tubes tied, or a hysterectomy he might understand where you are coming from. He might see how financially hard it will be for you to take care of this permenently and how simple it really is for a man to have it done. My husband went to the Dr and in his office, they gave him a numbing shot that he says barely stung for a second. Then with no shaving, a tiny little verticle incision the work was done. Each side. And then no stitches. Our Dr said if the incision is done vertically the folds of skin hold it just fine. Snug undies and a ice pack for a couple hours after and he went to play golf the next day. He had no problems. The cost is minimal and recovery is simple for most. For me later, for other medical reasons, I had a complete hysterectomy and 5 days in the hospital. My recovery was better than most, but still limited me in a lot of activities for 6 weeks. The bill was $50,000+ drs fees. Yes I called to ask if it was a mistake, but it was really $10,000 a day! Ask him how he would like to finance that? Compared to the $300 I think it cost for the V. Hit him where it really hurts. Guys can go without sex with their wives. . They find other ways to feed that need... but money talks!

Sorry, but your husband's being a total baby about this. My husband had his vasectomy on a Wednesday and was back to 100% by the weekend (and I think he was milking it a bit...lol). It took 2 hours from the time I dropped him off to when I picked him up, including recovery and prep. He said there was NO PAIN whatsoever before or during the procedure, but was a little tender for a couple of days.

Honestly, if you'd agreed that he'd get it done and now he's backing out I would totally withold sex. I mean, would he rather YOU have SURGERY that you'd need to recover from for a couple of weeks over sitting on the couch with a bag of frozen peas on his junk for a day or two???

essure

My husband balked when I asked him to get snipped too. It all boiled down to him worrying he'd be less of a man without his "manhood" intact. It's seriously silly stuff. If you're against condoms, don't have sex with him. If you don't want to keep poisoning your body with hormones and chemicals, don't have sex with him. Perhaps getting him to talk to another man who has had the procedure would help.

Best wishes-

All I can say is "WOW!"

My Hubby volunteered almost immediately after we discovered we were (un)expecting our third! I wasn't ready for another pregnancy at that point and it threw my whole world into a top spin. I have yet to take him up on that offer as now we aren't sure we are done. Per someone's recommendation here on MP, we are waiting for 1-yr after the baby's birth to decide on anything "more permanent".

While I would be really upset too, you need to find out more about what is at the root of this issue. I hear what he says about healthy tissue and cutting into it, but have you talked about what your options are and how they might impact you? I mean, you are concerned about the hormones and drugs. If we go that route until menopause, it increases your risk of cancer and what not. Then there is tying your tubes or (at an extreme) the removal of all your sex organs so now you are back to the cutting into healthy tissue arguement. Also, an abdominal surgery for you would be way more risky and painful and longer recovery.

Does he have any guy friends he can talk to who are done with kids too? What did they decide to do? Do they have an alternate recommendation for a doctor who performs a "more traditional" snip, and not laser? (IMO laser anything sounds risky - look at all the folks with eye problems now that they have gotten lasics). Also, could you go with him to these doctor appointments to show your support?

Just some ideas. I never realized how lucky I was that Hubby volunteered! There was really no discussion - he was like "I'll go tomorrow, if that's what you want....". I'm going to give my man a big hug tonight!

Good Luck.
~C.

'Cutting into his perfectly healthy body' while compromising yours...hmmm. My husband got 'snipped' in January. He was back to work in like 2 days (he could have gone earlier...I think he just wanted time off!). It is SO not a big deal. Female sterilization can be much more invasise, except for Essure. If he's going to be difficult, maybe you can 'man up' and look into Essure. Not that you should have to be compromised if he's wimping out. Are there any male friends he can talk that have had a vascetomy to reassure him? Everytime someone mentions the Nuvaring, I think of my friend's son, Ethan, who will be 4 this month and conceived when she was on the ring. Good luck.

I think your desire to respect him already means that withholding sex is a bad idea (how respectful is that?). I really hope you don't consider that and your doctor should not have suggested it.

I hated the ring when I used it (it fell out ALL THE TIME--I had to go to the bathroom at work almost every hour just to put it back in and I was doing it correctly).

Condoms aren't all that unreliable if you're using them correctly. Maybe rather than trying something hormonal you could research and/or take a class on natural family planning and double-up with condoms. I don't think most men like using condoms or a schedule for sex, so that might be a bit of a nudge for him. If he has major concerns about a surgical procedure then you really should be respectful and give him some time before you bring it up again and ask him to look at the information a little longer. If you want another option, I know people who had the Essure procedure done and are really happy with it. They said it was as invasive as a regular pelvic exam, it is considered permanent birth control, and the recovery is very quick. It is probably one of the things I would consider personally as an alternative to a vasectomy.

Sorry you're dealing with this, but it is something that some men are understandably uncomfortable with, even if it is groundless. :(

Really calmly tell your husband you are no longer taking any BC and you will never again be taking any or using any (condoms, pull-out, etc). You have made your decision and since you both do not want more children it is time to put his feet in the stir-ups and get it over with. You might also remind him that when you no longer need to worry about proper use of BC you can be frisky whenever and however you see fit. This worked with my husband.
Best Wishes!

PS. It really isn't as bad as they think, My beloved went in on Friday and relaxed all weekend and was back to work on Monday.

I can assure you that this type of surgical procedure is quite safe and effective. My father has been doing them for the past 20 years at his practice. He has had one himself! If you have any questions you can always call his practice. It is in Florida. Personal Message me if you would like his information. He also performs Vasectomy Reversals which are very effective and successful..

Well it sounds like your options are limited. You don't want anything evasive done and neither does he. Surely you can understand his stance, since it sounds like you share it. We live in a time with lots of bc options, I would look into every single one of them and find one you can both be happy with. I know several women who love their Essure. It doesn't sound too evasive and no one I know has complained of side effects.

There are possible complications with vasectomies, it happened to my husband. My hubby was the same way. He just hated the idea. I think he was terrified. Then we had some circumstances that changed his mind (surprise pregnancy while on birth control and a miscarriage at 13 weeks). He made the appointment. He whined and moaned and gave me daily countdowns to his "ball cutting". I was really frustrated with him to say the least. He had the procedure done. He admitted that it wasn't a big deal and he had blown it out of proportion. It was done Friday at three and by Sunday he felt fine. We were cleared by the doc after 6 weeks. Then at 8 weeks he had some discomfort. Annoying at first and then he was in immense pain. Went to his urologist. He was checked for kidney problems, bladder infections, site infections, hernia. He was put on antibiotics for two weeks. Felt better, then the pain came back after being on the antibiotics. Went back in. He was diagnosed with prostatisis. It's an infection of the prostate. It's rare to have after a vasectomy, but not unheard of. It caused pain, exhaustion and flu like symptoms including fever and chills. It also meant a round of antibiotics for four more weeks. It can last three or more months. I think that this week he may be finally over it. I felt a lot of guilt about the incident. I should have looked into essure or something like it, etc. etc. I could have gotten my tubes tied. Then my hubby told me I was being ridiculous. He said even after going through that the vasectomy was the best choice. He mentioned that we don't need to mess with my hormones any longer or have foreign objects stuck in my body. He also talked about how it was major surgery for me which not only made it riskier and harder to recover, but more expensive. He said that after all this stuff he has gone through, he is STill glad that we chose the vasectomy route. Fears and pain aside, he still thinks it was the best decision.

I could have written this post!!

We agreed we are done having kids. In fact, my husband is more certain than I am about this. Yet he refuses to get snipped. And my friends recommended withholding sex, which I find ridiculous and wouldn't work anyway.

The ways I tried to help hubby:

- We researched together
- We all had friends who had it done and they are THRILLED they did it, and all told him it was not a big deal AT ALL
- We discussed at length all I have been through w three pregnancies and the horrible time I have with birth control.

NOTHING MATTERED. He is not budging.

I have no idea what to tell you other than if he won't step up, you have to to prevent another baby. It is ridiculous that we go through all we do and they cannot have this simple procedure done. But bottom line, if he won't, we must. I feel for you, I really really do.

It's usually cheaper. You cannot force him into surgery. Fair or not, you can always get your tubes tied. I know kind of got lucky with that, since I had to go in for other surgery I had a tubal done at the same time. We had talked about hubby getting done, but at lteast this way I KNOW I am done.

Tying a knot in a vessel once versus throwing your body's entire hormonal profile into a deliberate imbalance for years? Seems like he gets the better end of the deal by getting snipped.

Is he not done having kids himself or will he feel like less of a man being snipped?

My husband was the same way...though I would have been okay with one more kid. I think that is what finally got him to go!! We had two and he was supposed to go, then we had a third. He was 2 when my husband finally went. I had a pregnancy scare a month before, so it kind of sped his mind up. Yes, it would be cutting his body, but his is so much easier than yours. I went with my husband for his. It took literally 10 minutes start to finish, and he was totally fine. He stayed in bed for a couple of days and we rotated out bags of frozen peas, but he was fine and we are both happy and content with our family as is. Maybe tell him you want another one and see what he says. I'm the same way with BC too.

Is there any reason why you just don't get your tubes tied if he really doesn't want to get a vasectomy? I had mine done last summer because I knew my husband, who has a very big fear of needles, would not get one. It was no big deal, an outpatient procedure and I was fine within a day or two. It seems like your only options if you don't want to be on birth control comes down to one of you giving in and having a procedure. I wanted to go with an IUD but my insurance would not cover that so I ended up with a tubal (covered 100% with no copays) and no regrets. Any surgical procedure comes with risks but they are pretty minimal either way.

What about getting the copper iud? I have had SO many problems with birth control that has hormones. Its good for 10 years. There is still risks, it could still get bumped or fall out and you could still get pregnant. Same as the hormonal birthcontrol. But atleast your body will be hormone free.

As for your hubby, I understand your fusterations but other than keep talking to him.. not pushing him you have to respect his body as you would hope he would yours.

Good luck

Sorry! Sounds like he's scared, I know, labor and all makes us think they are such wimps in this area!! I know you don't want another invasive procedure done and this may be a repeat but I have a couple friends who had the Essure procedure and did well with it. The insert something into the fallopian tubes and it seems to be fool proof. It is out patient so not as intense as a full on tubal. I so feel you on the chemicals for years and years, I don't want to do it either! I am due with out third in Nov. and then my hubs is supposed to get snipped as well! Take care!

my husband wouldn't get snipped either and we agreed that we were done having kids. i got the Essure procedure done at my obgyn's office and it was a snap. It is permanent and no hormones are involved. it is actually easier than a vasectomy. it is a quick procedure, i was talking with the doc during it even, and just feels like period cramps after. totally worth it!

Wow looks like your husband needs to get some balls. I can't believe how selfish he is being. He knew how risky a tubal was and didn't want me to have to go through that. So he volunteered to have it done I just had to find a dr for him.

Several years after the birth of my second child, my husband and I agreed that we were done. We decided that I would get my tubes tied, rather than have him get snipped. Why? Because, God forbid, anything happen to me, my husband felt that he may want to have children with his new wife. As for me, if something, God forbid, happened to my husband, there was no way--NO WAY--I would want more children, even if I was in a new relationship. That made the decision for me to get my tubes tied very easy.

So, we went to my gyno and scheduled the surgery. That was nearly 10 years ago and I haven't regretted it for a day. My husband, on the other hand, caught a lot of flak for "making me" have outpatient surgery rather than him doing an "in office procedure." Most people weren't impressed with our reasoning, but who cares? It worked for us.

If your husband is balking, make arrangements to have your tubes tied. You deserve a life beyond condoms and chemicals.

Hope this helps.

Good luck.

Although we haven't finished having kids, my husband and I have had this conversation. I share my husband's concern about a vasectomy. Not everyone in the medical field is in agreement with it's long-term impact. And my husband and I share your concern about invasive procedures on my body, as well as the implementation of hormonal birth controls for the rest of my life.

You state that you "don't trust" other methods but I encourage you to research the variety of non-hormonal, non-invasive birth control methods available. Some of these methods, such as the Billings Ovulation Method is 99% effective in preventing pregnancy, for example, which seems trustworthy to me. So, before you make a war in your home, do research regarding alternative methods and find one that makes you both happy.

I was in the exact same situation with my husband...he even made the comment when I was pregnant with our last one that I had "done enough" for our family and he would be happy to do it so I didn't have to. Well...after almost 2 years of being on the pill AFTER the last baby, waiting for him to get it done, I'd had enough. I didn't want to be on any form of hormones anymore and also didn't want to be on some form of bc that would possibly fail and get me pregnant again. By the way one of the girls in my pre-natal fitness class was on the Nuvaring when she conceived. ;/

I had Essure done in March. Easy and now it's done. Once you get the ultrasound to confirm you're blocked 3 months after you have the procedure, you're home free. No hormones, no worrying. You just HAVE to use another method of bc while you're waiting during those 3 months between the procedure and the ultrasound. It sounds like if you don't take care of it yourself you're going to wait forever.

Oh, that's so irritating. You have had THREE babies, which is far more risky than getting snipped. You've been on birth control, also far more risky. Hubby has done what?

It's much easier for him to get snipped than for you to get your tubes tied (and I am unfamiliar with the other thing the ladies are mentioning that is new for women). It just seems REALLY selfish to me that he's totally fine with you going through all the pain and risks and physical changes, but he's unwilling to do one little thing... I'm sure there are risks, but everything you've gone through also had risks.

I personally wouldn't take BC pills. I never have our whole marriage because it's not worth the risk of side effects. My hubby has understood that, and it's never been an issue between us.

Maybe your hubby can be in charge of BC this time? He can be responsible for the condoms. If he doesn't have one, then you aren't intimate. If he does, then there's nothing wrong with letting him use birth control how he is comfortable (if it's uncomfortable for you, lamb skin kinds are MUCH more comfortable).

If he gets tired of the condoms, then he knows what he can do. But, you have done enough. It's his turn...

After nursing for over 4 years, having 3 babies vaginally (all of which required stiches), gaining 40+ lbs three times (and losing it) all within the course of 5 years I think that men have got it a wee bit easy. Seriously. What are they complaining about???? If they had to go through all that I'm pretty sure the human race would not be worrying about an over population problem!

I am on the side of the snipping in our house too. Yet, it still hasn't happened. My husband at least is open to it (thank goodness!), but for over a year has been dragging his feet.

I'm with the others, with hold sex. He'll get your point after a few weeks I'm guessing. Don't give in.

Jessica