Drama Queen for a Son

I haven't read the other responses...but probably should. My son has similar meltdowns weekly...sometimes daily.

So, what is "normal" anyway? Is every child like this? Probably not. Is something "wrong" with your son (or mine)? Probably not. Is it something to worry about? No. Is it something to deal with? Yes.

When kids are frustrated and angry and upset, you getting frustrated and angry and upset is probably not going to solve the situation. My suggestion... something that has been working well for us... is Love & Logic. Check out Love & Logic the Early Years (Birth-6 yrs). These strategies have been working well for our son and the BEST part is that my husband and I are not getting angry and frustrated with him in the meantime! We are so much more relaxed, even when our son has a meltdown. It is all a learning experience...for him and for you. Please, check out the book/audiobook.... you will be SO grateful you did! I would really emphasize trying that before punishment, yelling, getting frustrated and angry at him, etc...

One good point I should make...although our son acts like this with us at times, he RARELY acts up when we are not around. I have an at-home daycare, so he is around Mommy a lot!....but he is a great kid and a great listener at playdates for other people!

So, again... it IS something to deal with....but probably nothing to worry about! Hang in there! It is a phase that will soon pass. :o)

a couple of suggestions that might help it go smoother in the morning. If your leaving that early he is probably going to eat breakfast at daycare. so skip that whole drama part. Let him help you the night before and put a little bit of cereal or goldfish etc in a bag to eat on the way. I would put him in whatever playclothes he will be wearing the next day and let him sleep in them. shorts and tops / sweatpants etc. this will knock a bit off your morning stress. put a box of babywipes in the bathroom and let him use them to wipe his hands. then pick him up and stick him in the carseat and hit the road. not everyone is a morning person and at 3 really does he have to get into the hit the road running routine?

Wow, it does sound like some of this is just his age. I had a wonderful, easy happy baby- who turned into a temporary MONSTER sometimes when he was about that age, lol. You just have to stay calm and consistent and try not to lose it.

I agree that maybe he needs a little more sleep? but- I would try putting him down earlier at NIGHT if you can, and then, if you can manage it, get UP a little earlier (sry, since you're already up so early!) and make his morning routine a little slower.

If YOU are feeling rushed and in a hurry to get out the door in the morning, most likely he is picking up on that, getting tense and BOOM- tantrum time! just when you need it least because you have to get to work!

It always seems to go that way- kids never pitch a fit when you are lazing around with nowhere to be and nothing you have to get done!

I'm sorry this is affecting your relationship, but your husband needs to man up here and put on his big boy pants and deal with it too. Honestly, this is just all part of the 'fun' of raising a baby into a toddler into a preschooler into a gradeschooler into a teenager, etc.!! You guys have YEARS of child raising ahead of you- your husband has to learn now not to let it affect EVERYTHING or he'll just be nuts.

Just sit down with him and look at some other ideas or childcare books, etc. and talk WITH him about what you guys can try to do to adjust this behavior. Make sure your husband understands it isn't personal- his son is not TRYING to make him miserable or ruin your sex life, etc., lol!

He is just a toddler who cannot control his own wants, needs, emotions, etc. yet. It is going to take a lot of repetition, patience, and you guys keeping your OWN tempers to teach the little guy how to do it! That means daddy too, not just you. There is no magic bullet for this- you both need to decide what you're going to try and stick to it and work together. Try to make sure you and daddy get a little one on one time when your son is asleep, or with a sitter too. That can help a lot.

Good luck- this too shall pass! You and your husband just need to be a united front and be patient! :)

Couple suggestions. First, it sounds like you are all up VERY early!!! Is he getting enough sleep? If you have to leave the house by 6:15, he should be going to bed very early the night before: 7:30 or 8 pm is my first guess.

My youngest always had huge meltdowns when he was tired!!!!

Try more choices: Would you like to wash your hands by yourself, or would you like me to help you?
Would you like to have a waffle at the table or eat your cereal in the car?

See LoveandLogic.com
Dr. Fay's books, cd's on child raising are pretty awesome.

Your son and mine are probably twins. He is so difficult this way and I just in the last few months have seen a difference in him. Here is what I did, first I spoke with his preschool teacher to see if this was happening with them. Their comment was, "NO" he is actually the most well behaved in class. Hmmmm. "So he does not have some sort of mental disorder, he is working me." I thought. I then decided to really evaluate what I do when he acts up like this and BINGO I figured it out pretty quickly. I was trying to cater to his breakdown to get him to calm down. NOT WORKING.

I decided to change my behavior immediately. So at the first chance, which was almost immediate, he began his loud, out of control breakdown and I just picked him up and put him in his bed, said this was not ok he needed to talk not cry and walked away. He screamed for probably 30 minutes at which time I went in when he stopped and tried to talk to him about how this was not ok. BREAKDOWN again! Good grief!

Needless to say, I stuck to my guns and after about a week the breakdowns were nearly over. We do have them on occasion (but so do it), and emotional highs and lows are seemingly part of his personality, but now he has learned to control himself and speak instead of scream every time.

Here are a couple of other tips as well;
- my son got out of bed when I put him there, I just silently picked him up and put him back (sometimes 10+ times)
- I was late - A LOT
- I got my son up an hour earlier on days I had to get out the door (and yes sometimes it was at 5am) this gave me time to have a leisurely morning and not a pressure-cooker which seemed to elevate his behavior.
- I had a reward bowl of little toys and candy (this worked for him all the time, but not for my other two, you just have to create what works for each kid)

Hope this helps and remember, it is just a moment in time. He will also grow out of it a bit. Good luck!

My little girl had tantrums all the time too when things were out of her control or didn't go the way she wanted them too. And it turned out she has Asperger's. I didn't get her assessed until she was 4.5, though because tantrums seemed perfectly normal for a 2 or 3 year old. It wasn't until she was 4.5 that they didn't seem fine anymore. She also still wasn't interested in playing with other kids, which wasn't fine with me anymore either.

Is something more going on with your son? Who knows? Three can be a tough age. Try to give him choices whenever you can. If he's refusing to wash his hands, tell him he has a choice: he can start to wash them in 5 seconds or in 10 seconds. Sometimes, this is all it takes! Goofy, I know, but it can work!

If you think something more might be going on, then have him assessed. I wish I had my daughter assessed at a younger age! I've learned that a mother's instinct is usually right!

C.
www.littlebitquirky.blogspot.com

Terrible 3's are tough. Make sure he gets enough sleep, and have everything as laid out ahead of time in the morning as much as possible. Make sure you have time for the transitions. This might mean getting up even earlier so everyone is awake, but it's better than dealing with a screaming melt down first thing in the AM. Sometimes I think we ask a lot from our little kids. Be as kind as you can be.

It's hard to know because there can be a lot of variables that contribute. Or he could just be THREE. lol

Are there things during the day that are frustrating and he 'holds it in' until morning time when he's with you? Is he eating healthy and getting enough rest? Are you working with his natural speed in the morning, or are you trying to get him on your timetable? (You understand that a shorter morning means more sleep, but he doesn't get that.) Does he need 10 minutes of 'snuggle time' to start the day?

I like the moms who gave suggestions on how to get you guys out the door without a fight by doing something 'different' than normal: dressing for tomorrow for pjs, having food in the car to munch along the way, etc. At three, avoid the battle. They're hard fought. Once he's older, he'll understand more without you doing a thing. Until then, figure out how to get what you want done with as little fight-back from your son as possible.

I did this with my son when he was a toddler and preschooler. Now that he's in school, he is very thoughtful and polite. Finding how to meet his needs and yours is showing him that mom understands him and is here to help him. In my opinion, it really helps to keep families closer together.

Sounds like you have gotten a lot of advice. My daughter is not that age yet so I am not sure I can give you any direct advice but if you try what people have suggested and still need some more help I know of a GREAT family coach named Brandi Davis. She is amazing at making everyone feel comfortable, getting to the route of the situation and working with the family as a whole to figure out how to make things better. Check out her website http://www.childandfamilycoaching.com/

Hi K.,
Your son is sowing his wild seeds and you need to let him know who's in charge. Right now he is and will continue to be till you sit on him a bit. You need to re-claim some lost ground till he knows who's in charge. His behavior isn't appropriate, though some may tell you it's typical for his age. People tend to make excuses for bad behavior!! So I would recommend you go over the morning routine with him and let him know what is expected. Then you tell him what the consquences of his disobedience will be if he does not follow the routine and becomes hateful and sassy. The consequences should be a small switch on his bottom with a good sting that will get his attention pretty fast. He will try you on this to see if Mom is going to really follow through on what she said she would do. So if you want the morning to go smoother and come out the other side with an obedient little man you'll need to be firm, pleasant and really consistent with this form of discipline. Otherwise he'll know you weren't really serious and revert right back to his old ways. Also, make sure he's getting plenty of rest at night. He should be getting about 10-12 hours a night. Blessings, L.

is he getting a full 13-14 hours of sleep in a 24 h. period? i know it doesn't seem like kiddos need this much, but at this age they actually do. When my son (same age as yours) gets it, he's much much much better behaved. Also, try cutting out food dyes from his diet. It's not easy, but allergies to food dyes can cause this kind of behavior.

Good luck to you.

I agree with the possibility of needing more sleep. My kids are like that when very tired or hungry. That is awfully early to expect such a young child to be civil. Is he waking on his own at that time or do you have to wake him? I would try to rearrange a schedule or make accommodations to make sure he is getting enough sleep. All three year olds have such meltdowns but not usually on a daily basis. There are lots of great books on child sleep issues and I also love the book "Raising Your Spirited Child." My kids are on the dramatic side with tantrums as well and this book helped me understand why and how to avoid tantrums (well, minimize.) Not sure if your child is "spirited" but it's worth a look.

I don't have any answers to give you, but I have a nephew that did this until he was probably 7.....My mom taught him school and she would have to just call his parents sometimes to come get him under control. As far as I know he is outgrowing it now (two years later) and doesn't do it. The crazy thing is that my brother (the boys daddy) did the same thing when he was younger. I pray your son doesn't do this until he is 7!
It sounds very stressful!

Is he tired? He's up with the chickens (I would be crabby too! lol) Even though you're up very early, are you rushing around like crazy? That's a recipe for disaster in my house..maybe a few extra minutes would make a difference?
Pick your battles. Can he use nearby hand sanitizer in the interest of saving time? Just a thought....
Could you try a picture checklist of what needs to be done in the morning before he's out the door? (Pictures of toilet, washcloth, toothbrush, clothes, etc.)
Don't expect too much from him...my son is 7 and I still have to remind him to get his shoes, grab his bag, etc.......

Hi, K.. A couple thoughts that might not have been shared yet. When working with a little one, choices can help diffuse (though they don't always work). Pick your battles. Must he wash his hands or can he get a squirt of hand sanitizer? (I prefer soap, but would compromise on that personally) Any reason he can't get mostly dressed the night before? That's awfully early to have a little one get up, and if he just needs to slip on jeans in the morning, there's no battle. When he's older, you can switch to jammies, but not while he's still in the tantrum mode. Also, a little portable snack in the carseat is a great way to speed up the morning. If he eats it, great; if not, being hungry is a natural consequence. :) Hang in there!

Susan gave great advice. I also have an extremely emotional son. He is now six, and he is handling his emotions better than he did when he was three, but it is still a struggle at times. We use Love and Logic, and it helps tremendously. My oldest is as laid back as imaginable, thank goodness, so with our second we had to learn how to parent an emotional child. Consistency along with compassion (not giving in though) seems to work best. I try to remind myself that with the emotional disasters/tears come the passion for joy of everyday life. I love that about him. We've had to help him learn how to deal with the emotional rollercoaster that seems to roll within him. He is incredibly happy 90% of the time, but that other 10% is rough. So far Love and Logic has gotten us through pretty well, but let me tell you, I'm terrified of the teenage years! My oldest is 12 and I teach high school, and other teens don't scare me a bit (I like that age), but the thought of my youngest as a teen terrifies me. ;-)

ETA: Both of my boys need tons of sleep (I do, too!), and that helps all of us.

Making sure he is getting enough sleep is a great idea. Another is to give him as much control as possible. Obviously washing hands after going to the bathroom is not a choice, but can he help decided between two out fits for the day, what to eat for breakfast, what to take to daycare/preschool, etc. I know when my kids become argumentative I remember to give them the opportunity to make more choices instead of 'telling' them what to do. It really helps.

I'm not trying to be rude but 39 months......isn't it time to count in years. I raised six kids and this only works if you let them. Who is the parent? No talking and consoling. Get moving. Do you punish him? Loss of toys or doesn't get to do something because of this behavior? Personally he will grow out of it and it is a phase. But the frustration for you is still there. Don't treat him like a baby. Which is what I see in the 39 months. Be more demanding in what you are expecting of him with no consoling in your voice. Lots of times I have found my tone of voice and actions speak louder than anything.

Hi K.~

I posted a similar question when my son was 3 1/2. 3's are tough!

If you look through my questions, go to Aug. 18, 2009, and read my question called How to Best Deal with Frustration... my question alone will at least show you that you are not alone, and you can also read through the responses I got. Hang in there. How ever you address his behavior, be consistent, and know that with some direction and maturity, this will pass. 4's have been much easier so far!

Best wishes.