*Edit* Mother-in-Law Invites Herself to Everything *Edit*

She sounds lonely and sad. I would try to find if she has any friends and see if I could get someone in her age group to invite her to activities like lunch at the senior citizen center, she could volunteer at a local hospital, she could do any number of things but maybe if you told her (For example) "hey, I heard that the hospital is really needing volunteers to help with the kids in the hospital" she may find a new calling.... My mother inlaw passed awy not to long ago and I resented her being a perfect house keeper, always dropping by and then deciding to do my dishes or start a load of laundry, etc...and now I would give anything and let her do my laundry to her hearts content just to have her around again.

Just say, "thanks for offering but I don't really need any company." You are going to have to learn how to be tough and say no. Don't be passive-aggressive, be straightforward.

She sounds like a drama queen. I think the reason she didn't call those times you mentioned is because she doesn't really care about all those things, she just likes the attention on herself.

i know it must be hard, but she just wants to be involved. Fast forward in your head to when your daughter has her own child and won't you want to be involved in that child's life? No, your mil doesn't have to invite herself along to things you don't want her to attend, but make an effort to make sure she sees your daughter often (on your terms) and do things like call her AFTER doctors appointments to keep her informed. If she feels like you are making an effort to keep her involved, she'll be less likely to barge in just to get time with her

I totally agree with Page W.

How does she find out about these outings? Don't tell her anything. I wouldn't even give her the opportunity to attend things that you just want to be handled by you or your hubby.

Does she volunteer anywhere? She could help out at the food shelf, be a "Grandma" at a local school, adopt a highway......whatever. She needs a hobby!
Good luck to you. I would be so frustrated if I were in your shoes.

I am 22 and about to have my first child with my husband who is in the army. This is also the first grandchild on either side of our families seeing he and I are the oldest out of our siblings. The best thing I think would be to nicely tell her that this is a private matter for you and you feel uncomfortable with her everywhere you are. Tell her it is ok to do somethings with the family but not to invite herself whenever she feels she can. My mother is trying it too but my husband and I are putting our foot down. There are just somethings MIL don't need to be doing and inviting yourself to everything without asking is one of them, I don't care how lonely she is. She's old enough to make friends on her own, I mean obviously she raised at least one child. But I also think your husband needs to step up to the plate and say something. I know mine would.
But if the MIL takes it the wrong way then let her know up front that she can't come to any outings with you and the family unless you invite her first, this is your life not hers, she's already lived her life now it's your turn. I am sorry if I am blunt but I learned a while ago not to let people take advantage of you and that includes family. Good luck.

Sounds like SOMEONE told her about the outing to begin with.
Deal with it from there.

My MIL is similar when it comes to wanting to be involved in everything. My best advice is to just not tell her about upcoming activities unless you want her to join you. If she doesn't know about it, then she can't tag along. When she asks you after the fact why you didn't tell her about it, be honest with her..."It was a doctors appointment (or whatever it was) and Dan (husband, lol) and I never thought to include you in such a thing." If she presses, or says something to the effect that she wants to be included next time, just tell her you'll consider it on a case by case basis and call her when something comes up that she could join you for.

Also, make sure you are giving her enough "grandma time" with your daughter. Make it a point to set up one day per week for your daughter to spend the day at grandma's house. Yes, she may be annoying and overbearing, but as long as she's not physically harming your daughter, let it go. When she gets annoying, just smile and internalize your feelings and tell yourself that she really is just trying to be helpful and probably just doesn't realize how annoying it is. She'll likely try many different times/ways to dictate to you how you should do things with your daughter...let her. Just because she says it, doesn't mean you have to do it. When she asks you about it later, tell her you considered and/or tried it and decided to do it a different way.

This is clearly a hot topic. First, I agree with the post that said try to envision yourself in her position - fast forward to when your daughter has a child - isn't it going to be something you REALLY want to be involved in? My daughter is only 2.5 and I pray that I am lucky enough to see grandchildren and that if so, I am lucky enough to be involved in their lives. My mother stays with me 2 weeks/month to provide daycare for my daughter and my husband is happy about this. We are thrilled she wants to be so involved, she is respectful of the way we want to raise her and follows our lead. My mother in law, on the other hand, has little interest in spending time with her grandchild unless WE got to visit her. She does watch her twice a month when my mom is at her house but that's it. Mind you, my MIL lives 45 min away and my Mom lives a 12 hour train ride or drive a way. However my FIL will make the effort every week to drive up and see his granddaughter, even just for an hr. My point is that some grandparents REALLY want to be involved and I think its important to respect that and find ways to include her. You also need your own family time, but I agree with the suggestions that you find SOME activities to invite her to, and don't let her know about others. Any conversation about HOW she interacts (overbearing, drama queen etc) REALLY should be handled by your husband as it will not go over well coming form you.

I would NOT advise getting her to butt out, but try thinking more how to include her in some pieces, again try to put yourself in HER place and think how you would feel if you felt excluded from your grandchildren's lives.

Best to you!

Just say sorry, it is just going to be me and my husband at the apointment. Or It will just be me there. Just say no. Or say, thanks but no thanks. If she asks, oh i can go with you, just say, no thank you. She is joining you because she wants to be involved and you are allowing her to do so. I know easier said than done.... You can also say, no thanks, but maybe you can join us another time.

I didn't read all the responses so I am sorry if duplicating responses. How does she find out about your outings and what you have going on? You are not "obligated" to tell her your plans - don't tell her you took "said child" to "said place" and then she can't ask why you didn't invite her, etc.

As a mom and MIL, I find this to be one of the most heated questions. Remember, God willing you will also be a MIL yourself one day. I guess you need to first have an opinion of what a MIL's role should be. Frequently I hear a variety of questions and responses both complaining of overbearing and under involved MIL's aka "grandmothers".

Two women under one roof is one woman too many. When your son marries, he leaves his mother and cleaves to his wife; or so it should be. This is your family and you make the decisions. That doesn't mean you should not honor your parents (with all their warts)

The victim mentality doesn't help anyone. You need to be firm in setting limits with your MIL in a polite and non judgemental way. However, unless you want to completely alienate her and leave your children without the experience of a grandmother, you are going to have to tolerate her involvement at some level and do so politely.

I find our anger often stems from our own feelings of impotence. This is often made worse by the fact that women frequently work outside of the home today and so family time becomes even more precious.

You have to respect your husband's mother and yes, to a certain extent, tolerate her even if she doesn't do things exactly as you would. This would be a great opportunity for you to teach tolerance to your own child. That being said, be clear to her that there are certain times that you wish to have time alone with your husband and child.

If we wait until we are completely frustrated because we shy away from being assertive, we risk acting out in anger and then being wraught with guilt which often leads to more anger at the person we perceive caused us to feel guilty.

In fact, you do control this situation. Take charge.

Best wishes,

J.

I can relate to a mother like this, it is my own mother though and not my MIL. She skipped my daughter's b-day party because she didn't feel like coming, but now wants me and the kids to spend an entire Saturday with her. I oblige her because she is the only babysitter willing to take both kids overnight. She's also a drama queen and likes to make scenes in public. I'm used to this however since I grew up with her.

You have to set boundaries and keep to them. If you don't want her at dr's appts then tell her, but be diplomatic about it, just tell her how boring they are. But you should definitely try to include her in other things, she and the kids will appreciate it. As crazy as she is, she's family, and you can't change your family. You may have to bite your tongue at times, but it is worth it to have her in your kids lives, who knows they may find her way fun to hang out with (kids kinda like crazy relatives). And try to get her to babysit, then have some time to yourself. That would make it all worth it.

Also talk to your hubby about keeping some of your schedule private, if she doesn't know about a playdate then she can't invite herself.

I agree with the others that she is lonely and she needs some attention. I don't think there is much you can say to her to get her to back off and I absolutely think that this is your husband's problem to deal with! He needs to develop a spine. At the store, he could have left you to deal with your child and corralled his mother at a distance to tell her to stop screaming. It has to come from him.

That said, I think you can deflect some of it gently - if the pediatrician doesn't want a crowd in the office, say that. Your husband can tell her that, after her squeamishness about ear piercing, he doesn't want to subject her to medical check-ups that involve shots and boosters! And you can say something more gentle, like, "I'd much rather you had fun time with your granddaughter than to have her associate you with doctor's appointments." Then make good on it - give your daughter time with Grandma, either without you or with you. MIL will get pretty tired of taking care of your child by herself, I think - but if she enjoys it, so much the better! Their time should be special and not associated with errands or appointments.

Be sure to invite her for birthdays, and see if you can find it in your heart to include her on Mother's Day. If not, invite her for Father's Day with her son. Make holidays about family togetherness and gatherings. Decide now how much you can handle - say 2 days a month? Then schedule them and enjoy the time in between.

I love the idea of handing the phone to the child when Grandma calls - as long as your child doesn't resent it. "Look honey, Grandma called just to ask about you! Tell her about what you did today!"

If she wants to attend a play group now and then, that's a little more social and maybe it's not so hard to include her if you keep her out of other things. If you think she'll use the time to tell all the mothers how to raise their kids, that's another problem. Unless of course they will support you and shut her down! One way to handle her opinions is to say noncommittally, "I'll consider your advice." And just repeat it every time, without expanding on it. Then change the subject, every time. Otherwise, if she says something off the wall, you can say to the group, "Isn't it interesting how child rearing has changed over the generations?" Just make it a light conversation, not a confrontation.

Don't expect her to check in on you - it's not going to happen, and it just gets more depressing to think about it. My MIL once called me in the emergency room, tying up the phone at the nurses' station, to tell me how upset my husband was that I was in the ER! He was in the city trying to get a train home, and she badgered the ER nurse into calling me to the phone to tell me about her son. Then she called the taxi company and made them radio the taxi driver taking me home to find out where I was. It took a few years but now I laugh about it and enjoy telling the story.

I don't know if volunteer activities involving children are a good idea for her - she may be the type of person who would be a nightmare for teachers if she went in to the schools as a volunteer reader, and if she's squeamish or a drama queen, she doesn't need to be volunteering in a hospital. I imagine that senior activities are limiting for her because no one there wants to hear her complaints. But if she is able-bodied, she might enjoy the distraction of some theater trips or bridge games with others. But that's up to your husband to suggest.

Meantime, try to find something she is good at and encourage her to develop that attribute for the benefit of others. As your daughter gets older, it might be good to include your MIL in any volunteer or community service projects you do as a family. Putting her in a crowd might work - if everyone is wrapping gifts for disadvantaged children at the holidays, or visiting a nursing home when your daughter's preschool goes to sing songs for them, or collecting for the food pantry, or picking up trash at a local nature area, MIL can be part of something that benefits others and that doesn't have anything to do directly with your parenting style, other than teaching your child values.

Good luck, and definitely throw this in your husband's lap.

wow! well my MIL lives 8 minutes away (she told me that) and we bought the house that she grew up in so we had a lot of pop in issues. I did tell the hubbie to talk to her, which he did and she now calls before she comes over. I do think it is best coming from him as he is his mother, you cant have this continue and at the same time you dont want drama. Another thing I did was make sure she knew where I came from and how serious I was about things like not wanting her advise all the time and how she is my daughter and I do things my way: I did this by just talking/complaining about my mother (it was really about the mil) and she learned how I felt about certain things that way. that way it is not really about her and she does not feel like you are causing "drama" bc she thinks it is about someone else. Oh, and about the phone calls I know what you mean I love caller id, if your child is old enough you can just hand the phone to them LOL, that is what I do. good luck, I really do suggest having the husband talk to her bc you dont want to create problems with you and her. he should set up the boundries in a postive way: I love that you want to have a realtionship with my daughter but.......how can we make this work? special time with the two of you: babysit while you have date night, we will invite you bc sometimes we just want it to be our family thing. stuff like that.

Be polite but firm. Don't feel bad about setting boundaries. It's important to have boundaries and you can set them how you want. She'll get the picture. It sounds like others have done the same thing. Good luck!

I'm sure you already realize this but your MIL is lonely. I think it is OK to rebuff her, but keep in mind her lonliness. Maybe if you find a way to tell her you appreciate her, but,no, she cannot come to such-and-such event.

My other thought is you might want to start suggesting things that she can do with other adults. Bus trips, senior center, volunteer at the soup kitchen, whatever.

If your husband is in agreement with you, just keep those boundaries. You don't have to take her to every event just so that she can try to get attention for herself. Be kind, but be firm. It's not like you have to get her approval for you decision to limit when she is around, so just be ready for some awkwardness and be strong.

Best wishes.

If it's making you uncomfortable you should say something (easier said than done) and if you do, maybe she'll be offended and that will solve the problem. If so, do try to include her in some things though....it's great that she wants to be involved (but I know...too much)...I can't get my parents to visit my daughter to save my life. So try to find a middle ground....you might need a babysitter sometimes.

This is coming from someone who had a very self-absorbed, attention seeking, pushy MIL and a husband who is/was incapable of ever saying "no" to either of his parents. (My MIL died a few years ago - after the kids were grown.)

Set limits. But PICK YOUR BATTLES. Deal with her when you have to and let it go the rest of the time. It will only make YOU miserable. Truly. (It's clear she isn't going to change since others before you have tried and even being cut off from the other grandchildren didn't get through to her.) You can spend years being bitter and angry but it won't change anything and you will expend a lot of time and energy on her.

After I had a long talk with myself and stopped trying to change her and changed ME and how I dealt with her, I was a much happier person.

You and Hubby have to draw the line.
She obviously lacks any sense of what is appropriate... and has no boundaries.
So you have to delineate that.

Or don't tell her anything, anymore.

Does she live close by? Hopefully not. NEVER give her the keys to your house.

She has got to get a life of her own... sure, she is a Grandma and Grandparents should be a part of their lives etc. But on the other hand... there IS boundaries... and there IS such a thing as "privacy" and the nuclear family has every right to their privacy and their own lives. And no... a parent does NOT have to check-in with, inform, invite, tell everything to the Grandparent. Each family.. .is not an open book. Just because you have a Grandparent. I believe, in privacy and that the nuclear family CHOOSE what their own private lives are. You do not have to lay yourselves open, just for pleasing the Grandparent, nor inform them of EVERYTHING your family is doing or what every minute of everyday is like or what you are doing or not. Know what I mean?

I am not one, that believes you have to subvert your own family's privacy.... to indulge in Grandparent.

And, if the other grandchild was "taken away from her"... because she is so so oppressive and overbearing... then, you have even more reason, to use caution.... in your interactions with her, and what information you "choose" to tell her. You need to censor what you tell or not tell her.
Since she has NO ability... to regard other people's boundaries.

Next, what is HUBBY saying to all this? How does he feel? He is her Son... he should not just be hiding in the bushes about this either, and letting you be the one to carry the cave-man club.

All the best,
Susan