Effect of Divorce on 16 Yr. Old Daughter

Gosh you have been with this guy for 19 years. Unless he is abusive, what is two more years. Divorce affects kids more than we know. Read the book Beautiful Boy. His parents had a very amicable divorce the son is still having serious drug problems even after years of therapy and drug rehab.

Sadly, I think it will effect her greatly. I have known many high schoolers and adults that have had parents divorce and it has effected them all in one way or another. My husband's parents got divorced when he was 21 and he developed horrible acid reflux and his grades in college dropped considerably. Even as an adult it was difficult and difficult to process. It has been fine... but be certain it will effect her. May want to wait a bit longer- 16 is a very hard age as it is...

How about talking to a school concel er they might have a good suggestion good luck A. in no. Hills we are the luckyones last jan; we were married 60 tears A. in ho. Hills

Dear L.:

I have many friends who have made the decision to divorce. They all said something similar to, "Life is just too short," (some said, "I deserve to be happy," "It's time for me," etc.) insinuating that something wonderful was being denied to them by remaining in their marriage.

The thing is, I can't see that any one of them gained anything BETTER by leaving their marriages. Some blamed their inability to improve their lives on the "scars" of the past, on their having to stay in the same town to see the kids, on the irritations of watching HIS life improve dramatically, etc. Every one of my friends ADMITS that they are worse off BUT they still blame it on the past or on him or on something else...they NEVER admit they're worse off for having allowed the marriage to fail.

You are not alone in this! We ALL struggle to stay married because we're all imperfect people...every one of us. We all want our own way, we all want to change each other, and we are all selfish. If we acknowledge that and give grace to our spouses, then we're more likely filled with the compassion we need to make it day after day.

Sure, he's not perfect and won't listen to the therapist. But, he's been there by you for 19 years! That's ONE good thing about him! Also, he's been a wonderful dad to your daughter. Even if he's not the dashing romantic prince you want him to be, you have the satisfaction of having raised a gorgeous young girl ALMOST to maturity together. Isn't it worth it to preserve the marriage to see her off to a great future? Please don't undermine her now...she needs stability.

I don't think that by sacrificing yourself to save her, you're wasting your life or putting off some greater happiness. You are still growing, too. Doing this for your daughter will just make you a MORE beautiful woman.

At the end of our lives, no one will say, "She was a great romantic," "She was a great lover," or "She had a lot of fun." No! Those things are transient. People will say, "She was a great MOTHER," and "She was a great WIFE"! THAT is the real measure of success! A woman who invests in SOMEONE -a man, a son, or a daughter- who lives on AFTER her is the one who wins!

Yes, life is too short. Invest in someone OTHER than yourself.

God bless you, L.!

M.

Wise words have already been written here but just to add my own personal story. My mother and stepfather (they married when I was 9) had on and off marital problems while I was growing up. They were very different people and at various times, both seemed miserable in their marriage but they also had a lot going for them: financial security, they loved to laugh together and cook and garden.. basically a fairly normal marriage in my estimation. After 26 years of marriage, my mother decided to divorce my stepfather claiming she couldn't take it anymore and she just KNEW her life would be better without him.
Since their divorce, my mother has fallen into alcoholism, chronic over-spending to the point she recently had to sell her house, over-eating to the point where she is now diabetic. You get the picture.. the grass was not greener on the other side. Yes, it's true she no longer has to fight my stepfather's ways or personality, she now simply fights her own and it's a lonely place to be.
As far as its effect on me, I was grown and married when they divorced but it still saddened me. Naturally I wanted them both to be happy but I somehow knew divorce wasn't the answer for either. My stepdad went on to marry a very nice woman but my sense is he still loves my mom and always will. As a teenager growing up around an "unhappy" marriage, it was definitely miserable at times but there were also lots of good times: camping trips, traveling together, lots of wonderful family meals which is where we all seemed to come together in peace. I was a lonely teenager because I was an only child and had moved so much and I suppose their marriage added to that sense of loneliness but I think a divorce would have left me feeling even more adrift.
In my marriage, there are times I look at my husband and think: "am I really going to spend the rest of my life with this person?" :-) and then there are other times I marvel at how fortunate I am to have found someone who I can laugh with, is a wonderful father to our daughters, who provides for us and who accepts me as I am. Marriage is a place where personal growth happens. Its really less about him than it is about you. Here are a couple of things that may help and all the best to you:

http://thework.com/index.asp

a poem by Margaret Atwood:

Habitation

Marriage is not
a house or even a tent

it is before that, and colder:

The edge of the forest, the edge
of the desert
the unpainted stairs
at the back where we squat
outside, eating popcorn

where painfully and with wonder
at having survived even
this far

we are learning to make fire

Life IS too short! Your daughter needs to see a father who loves her and respects her mother. She also needs a mother who is in touch with who she is and what she needs. As women we are pleasing our bosses, husbands, kids and everyone else. We are proving that we can do everything AND be perfectly happy. If it were easy men would do it too! My husband had 4 children when he divorced his first wife. They sat down together to talk to their kids. They have also been supportive of one another. Your daughter wants to have parents who love her and love each other. She wants her mother to love her dad because she does. She wants her dad to love her mother for the same reason. That doesn't mean you have to be married. As parents you have to respect each other's role as parents and take responsibility for your role in her life. You don't have to be in love with or even in the same house as her dad.
My parents have been married for over 30 years. I have no idea what it is like to go thru what your daughter might feel. I do know this. My daddy loves the mothers of all of his children. (there are 3) He loves my mother and is in love with my mother. When my brother's mom passed away this past year he was very sad. He told me that he loved her very much he just couldn't be married to her. I'm sure there was a time when you did love your husband very much. Not wanting to be married to him doesn't mean that you don't love your daughters daddy. It just means that you can't be married to him! Love doesn't go away but it does change. To pretend that it doesn't is silly. I don't believe in staying together for the kids. I think that that only makes her feel as though your unhappiness as a married couple is HER fault. Life is too short. Love your daughter and love yourself. Imagine what you would tell her if she were in your spot. Teach her now that she doesn't have to spend 20 years in a marrige that hurts. That way she doesn't have to learn that lesson on her own! She will be fine. Own your happiness.

Are you still depressed? Can you get treatment for that? Of course you will harm her with a divorce. What is it you want that your marraige cannot give you? Are you looking for happy stuff? Happy is a choice, not a condition. Do you believe in God and live your life that way? If that is the case you could find a counselor that your whole family could go to. Involve your daughter, she is a member of the family and a young adult. Try changing your own behavior, the only behavior that you can change and see what happens to the dymanics in the house. You are not clear as to the problem except that maybe you are jealous of the closeness they share. Are you going to take your daughter with you? Will she go willingly? Are you prepared to leave her behind with him and not see her? Prepare for the worst or change yourself.

My mind is all over the place on different things from your post.

First off you say that your husband will not do what the counselor suggests...have you consider he doesn't click with that counselor? My brother and his wife are having problems but she refuses to try a different counselor. She will only go to the one that is accepting of her behaviors and critical of his. Sometimes it takes 5+ different counselors to find one you can BOTH relate to so that it can help your marriage.

Secondly YES it will affect your 16 year old daughter and probably in a very bad way. My parents didn't divorce, I had a different type of traumatic experience as a late teen and it's unbelievable how quickly school and planning for college become unimportant. So to you I say: yes, life IS too short...to screw up your daughters life!!

Suck it up for two years and get her the start she needs. In college she'll be too preoccupied that she won't have time to over analyze you and dad throwing away 2decades because you're just not 'happy' any more.

You've waited 19 years why not wait two more until your daughter is out of high school and going to college? Though if everyone is miserable now (which they probably are because you are) you may as well go now and maybe everyone can be happy for the last two years your daughter is at home. I don't know enough about your situation or what the problems are to give you any real advice. Just be dang sure that you have done everything you can to make it work before losing it all by giving it up. There are situations where it is better to divorce- you may be one of those, I don't know.

A separation may wake your husband up to the fact that he needs to make some changes too. He needs to know that you are serious and that he needs to follow through on your counseling. Good luck!

Hi L.,

It sounds like you are in a really difficult position and I feel your pain. Ultimately, no one can answer this question for you. You are the only person who can decide if staying in this marriage is the right decision.
However, as a parent coach, I have worked with countless families going through the divorce process. Make sure that, if you do move forward with the process, that you hire someone to serve as a mediator between you and your husband. The most important thing for kids going through divorce, is for parents to establish consistency. Having 2 different homes, different lives and different expectations is very unsettling for children. I am happy to help if you need me.

Best of luck,
G. B.
www.GilaBrown.com

I think if you can, try to wait 2 more years until your daughter is 18. She will be a different person then, a little more mature (and "adult"). Two years may seem a long time for an unhappy situation, but it's a BIG difference in your daughter's developmental phase. Also, by then she'll be off to college..maybe out of state. And you won't have to worry about putting her in a situation where she has to deal with custody battles, visiting daddy while she lives with you and other situations young children go through in a divorce. She will be an adult with her own life and choices to lead, and she may be more understanding of your situation and your choice to live your life.

And whatever you do, remember not to ever bad-mouth your husband to (in front of) your daughter.

L., my ex dropped the bomb when my daughter was turning 16. She has not been the same since. Depression, anxiety and my fantastic student was gone. Bad grades, this was a kid that hated to miss school and now is barley I hope going to graduate in June.
He too figured life was too short not to go out and have fun. He is working so hard to make a new relationship work that he has no relationship with his daughter. And the two of them were like two peas in a pod.
You have to keep her informed of what is going on in your marriage. Don't just drop it from nowhere or you will be the one loosing her. The one that tries to keep the family together looks more like the hero then the one distroying the family. I could go on and on. He was not the only one at fault through all this I see what part I played in his leaving. I did suggest therapy, he refused. But now he is willing to try with his new relationship. I do belong to a divorce ministries group and it has helped me so much. Depression is something that at least a third of the group is dealing with. Some are the dumped and some are the dumpies. So we all get both sides. Some of the women asked for the divorce and some of the men did. I wish that since he was so unhappy he could have waited till she was out of high school. She would have been a little more mature and presented it a little better, who knows maybe she would have been able to accept the situation better. I would love to talk to you in depth if you would like I am in the San Diego area.
C. O

The plain truth is that divorce is horrible........Period!
You have waited 19 yrs, why not wait another two until your daughter is out of high school at least.
You could turn your marriage around, but it sounds like you are blaming your husband and one of you has to take the high road and make it work. That sounds like you. I have been where you are and I turned my marriage around by changing my attitude about it and about my husband. It took time, but my attitude then changed my husband and now we are so in love................Love goes stale without respect. It can come back, believe me.

Hi L.,
I would search out books about divorce and children and follow the advice of the experts.
Divorce WILL damage children, depends on how much. Bad marriages also damage children. Kids caught in the middle will have problems. Do divorce right and your daughter won't hate you. Let her choose how she wants to live from house to house. I know people who keep the same home for the child and each parent trades off care taking. Explore your options and make an informed decision.
Good luck,
Wendy

have you talked with your daughter? after all shes old enough to know whats going on. what you could do (as hard as it would be) is let her choose who she lives with. but with one condition she cant bounce between houses when something does go her way (if this happens she will learn to play you and you hubby against eachother). its going to be difficult but you have to take it one day at a time. hope this helps!

My parents divorced when I was 18. It had a huge impact on me. Do what you can to make your marriage work. Get "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. Even if you don't agree with her, try out what she says and it should make a huge impact on your marriage. Try to change you first. Good luck and do what you can to make your marriage successful. For your daughter's sake more than anything else.

No one knows whether to go or stay but you. Either way will be extremely painful. Either way will cause others, and occasionally you, to ask you, "What were you thinking?" But it's YOUR life, and the only one you get. Only YOU have to understand it.

Most men, even in unhappy marriages, truly feel after their wife leaves that it was out of the blue, that she gave no warning. Even if she has said "I just can't live with that," he'll feel that it's just language she's chosen to get her own way. If she's said, "I'm so unhappy," he'll think, "Well, OK, but who is happy?" and forget about it 2 minutes later. When a marriage counselor agrees with the wife, many husbands feel as if everyone is ganging up on them, and that they're paying a counselor just to be "set up." Men truly, truly see the world differently, and what will make complete sense to every one of your girlfriends will baffle your husband. If you leave, or even if you stay, you have to spell out in short, clear sentences what will happen and why. "If I don't feel things are changing at all, I will be moving out at the beginning of next month," or, "If you ignore what the counselor asked, I'll feel that you don't have any stake in the marriage. If that happens, I'm going (to a friend's house, a hotel, whatever) until I can find an apartment." Women want lots of explanation; men want you to get right to the point.

Don't feel that you and your daughter aren't close because of your potpartum depression!!!! 99% of little girls will adore and idolize their fathers. It happens even if their father is frequently gone, disinterested or even abusive. Daughters tend to crave their father's love above all else. Many moms feel that having a daughter means having a built-in buddy, but most often a daughter will define herself by how she is different from her mother. That's OK! You did not alienate her or push her away! It's just how the brain chemistry works.

You'll also need to spell things out for her, including your concerns about her grades, during a quiet moment (or several hundred moments.) Be sure to tell her things like, "I don't want you to grow up feeling that a wife should be unhappy in her own home. I would hate for you to get that message from me and what I do." She's an adolescent, so she will not truly comprehend adult issues now, but in the future she will. She might not agree with you. That's OK. Make it clear that she is your first concern, whether you stay or go (even if right now she doesn't believe that.)

Good luck! God bless!

Yes life is too short and yes you do deserve to be happy. However, you said.. for better or worse... in sickness and health, etc. I don't think that the in sickness and in health part refers only to the physical body, but to the body of the marriage as well. Right now your marriage is sick... it's not the healthy marriage that you want it to be. When we are sick we go to a doctor or treat it in some fashion and that is what you both need to do. Maybe sit down with your husband and ask him why he is resistant to the suggestions of the current counselor.

I am not married to my son's father, yet. We are working through some things first and we have had to use our wedding savings because he was laid off... so we're trying to save up a little money for a modest wedding. But it's not easy and I have to learn to be in love with him again. He was married when he was seeing me and I got pregnant... I did NOT know he was married, but if I had been wiser I would have seen it, but love is blind. I stay because I want my son to have the best possible upbringing with both parents in his life every day. It's a choice and it's NEVER an easy choice. I feel like I walked away from my "soulmate" but as I have come to realize life is not always better on the other side.
Yes it will affect your daughter, especially if she is closer to your husband than to you. She will more than likely choose to go live with him and possibly hate you. Are you prepared to have that happen?
Why not find hobbies and spend more time out of the house? It's avoidance of the real issue, but it might get you through the next couple of years. At least give her a chance at maintaining her grades, not developing depression or an eating disorder and getting in to the college she wants so she can be self-sufficient.

L. W.

Your predicament is not uncommon, you have to do what you feel is right for your situation. Your daughter has the right to go with whom ever she wants, she can also choose to live with whom ever she wants. I love all three of my children, yet they will never accept my divorcing their father. They are 29, 33, and 34 respectively. They have very happy families, and they are strong in their conviction and commitment to their marriages, or girlfriends as is the case with my youngest. My decision was my own, not because of them, it was based on my own personal choice.

If you husband chooses not to work with you and the counselor, it is ultimately up to you to choose whether you want to stay with him. It will not be easy, but if this is what you feel is best for your health, since stress can cause you to become physically ill. Please do what is right for your situation, your daughter has no say in what you decide. As I said, I love my children as well, however, when a marriage is over there is nothing to work on. Sorry I don't have anything positive to say to you. Both parties have to work at a marriage, there has to be a reason, or it is considered to be irreconcilable differences. You can still remain friends for your daughters sake. Good Luck.

Hi L., my parents got a divorce when I was 15 and I was closer to my dad but in the end it brought me closer to my mom.I got into a lot of trouble in high school due to their divorce. Like hanging out with the wrong people, drinking and partying to mend the pain. But I wasn't that close to my parents to begin with and I didn't talk to them much. I believe divorce is the easy way out. My parents had a communication problem and my dad also committed adultery pleanty of times. My mom took my dad back a year later (which really screwed with my head) and they got another divorce 7 years later because my dad couldn't stay faithful. So in my parents case they are much happier divorced but I wish my family was whole, I have no control in it. You are right life is too short but your life is what you make if it. I'm Christian, I had my daughter @ 19, married her dad @ 21 and now we are expecting a boy in Aug. If I focused on all of the negative things in my life, I wouldn't have all of the blessings I have now. Before we got married, we took a marriage prep course with our pastor. He had both of us read a book, one for men & one for women. In my book it had a story of a married couple who overcame adultery. The husband would leave his wife to be with the other woman. The wife worked with her pastor and changed her whole attitude on life. Eventually, the husband ended his affair. My point is you can overcome anything but it doesn't happen in a day it takes time. I don't know your situation at all but I do know that what you decide will change your daughter's life forever. I can only tell you from my own experience. In my marriage we believe divorce is never going to be a solution. We are molded by the people we spend time with. If I'm negative all the time I bring a negative environment to my family and no one wants to be around that. What I wanted to tell you is it will effect your daughter if you decide to get a divorce but your relationship with her is important. Communicating with her is a must.I wish my mom had talked to me more, my parents believed that you have to learn things on your own which is partially True but I couldve lived without some of the learning the hard way moments. Hopefully I'm making some sense. I'm 6 months pregnant and my mind is all over the place. I will be praying for you. Take care. -S.

Hi L., I think that you need to sit down with your daughter and have a heart to heart talk with her and let her know what is going on as far as you wanting a divorce. She is at the age where she will understand. It might be hard at fist and she might get angery but she will come around. You need to be happy and she needs to see that. She looks up to you and if you take action to make your life positive she will be able see that. If later in life she is in a situtation like yours she will know what to do. Childern learn by example and need a positive role model in her life.

Only you can decide if this is the right decision for you and if you have reached your breaking point.

I would encourage, you however, not to file for divorce unless you are prepared to see it all the way through.

Good luck!

G. Muirhead
Attorney at Law, Las Vegas

Hi there,

I read some of the responses. When Dr. Laura started promoting her book on how to improve your marriage by being more sexual, I got satellite radio to listen to better things. Some of us are in really sucky superficial marriages. You may want to find in the library the book, "Celibate Wives" to learn WHY there is no such thing as a one solution to fit all.

The time to leave is when you can figure how to earn a decent living and support yourself. If may mean that you take some classes, get a handle on the family finances and visualize what exactly it is you want. It may be more difficult to find a job than you think so perhaps you can start your own business and use this as a time to get everything in order.

Good luck and please remember those who judge often have no idea what they are talking about. Not everyone can be a Marie Antoinette, instead of saying, 'let them eat cake' saying 'passion will solve all your marital problems' or God. . . or wishful thinking.

You still have good years ahead of you where you can build it to what you want. Don't wait until you are old and can't get around as well and can only look back on your life with regrets.

You're loved!

You need to take care of your needs first... You daughter can still love her father.... I was married for 27 yrs, waited for my kids to graduate from hugh school then divorced my husband as he was at first verballed abusive, then turned physical abusive. There is potential happiness and a better life after divorce... Your daughter will understand - she probably is wondering why you have not divorced or left him sooner.... It is difficult, but worth it if you are miserable with him, leave....

You are in my prayers K.

I have no experience with this, but I think your 16 year old daughter is old enough to understand the situation if you sit down with her. If you are concerned about alienating her, maybe you could wait until she goes to college, if that is what she is planning. Two more years doesn't seem that long to wait since you've been married for 19 years already.

Devorce is hard on chilren no matter what the age, and it is normal for pre teen, teen girls to be closer to their father than their mothers my daughter was, she will be 20 this month. my best friend from high school divorced her husbad and her grown kids 22 and 25 want nothing to do wih her, and they live with thei dad, my sister divorced her husband at the time her kids were 10, 14, 16, and a son in his 20's thethe fanily had nothing to do ith her for almost 5 years. You can't divorce your husband without destroying the family. My sister tried to rectify her own un happyness by making others unhappy and it blew up in her face, being happy is a decision, not a feeling, loving your spouse is a decision not a feeling. i think you should watch the movie Fire Proff, it has helped many people. I wish your family well. J. PS Life is short, but remember it's just as sort for your husband and daughter s it is for you. J.

Your daughter is 16 years old, and you said she knows your unhappy...she's not 6 or 7...she is old enough to understand. I honestly think you should have a talk with her and really explain why it is your unhappy-do NOT bash on your husband or point out his flaws or what it he does that makes you unhappy...if she is that close with him she'll feel she'll need to defend him and then might get angry with you. I'm only 24-but 16 doesn't seem that long ago to me. Both of my parents are still married-and i have a close relationship with both of them. if my mom was unhappy in their marriage-im sure it would have upset me-but i would have respected her if she spoke to me about it. talk to her like an adult and treat her like one- after all...im sure she wants to be treated like that so do it...You also need to talk to your husband and make the decistion whether to leave or not...he says he doubts it because if you really wanted to you would have already. If she does get mad at you, im sure it will be short lived. But you need to sit down and explain to her...

maybe take the leap into a separation-u move out or him...to ease her into the divorce...make sure your husband is on board also and make sure to be civil to each other. Good luck!

my parents divorced right after I turned eighteen because I was the baby and they wanted all their children out of the house so they didn't have to do the whole joint custody thing. But it really damaged me and my sister and brother. My brother no longer talks to my dad and my sister has had some really horrible emotional issues from it and I have really bad trust issues from it. Our parents didn't talk to us about all they were feeling and everything that had happened. We knew they both weren't happy, we truly knew that but we never thought that they would split so when it happened we were shocked! So my advise to you is to sit your daughter down and tell her everything that you're feeling and ask her how she feels, it might just make a world of a difference for both of you!