My daughter will be twelve next month, and she is not permitted to date until I feel she is emotionally ready..which is absolutley not right now. She's not even dating yet, but she is moping around the house and daydreaming about a boy she likes. It's always a different boy every couple of months but this one seems to be completely distracting her. She is miserable. His female best friend told my daughter that he likes her on a scale of one to ten....a 6....what is that?! It's just a bunch of he said she said which I expect at this age and I expect the interest in boys. But my daughter is not herself lately and I am at my witts end. I don't know how to snap her out of it...help!!!
***Just wanted to add after reading some replies, that yes..she is extremely involved in school activities. She was just in the school musical, plays the clarinet in the band, is in choir, and also the select choir which rehearses Wednesday mornings at 7am before school. Her and I also do yoga together when her schedule isn't too busy. I actually pulled her out of dance because it was too much**
***Also, she doesn't have a good relationship with her dad and that does make a lot of sense that she is seeking male attention. She is a straight A student and I don't beleive she has any intentions on being promiscous though**
In addition to what Marda suggested, is there a way to bump up the relationship she has with her father or some other positive male influence?
:)
If she isn't already involved in activities outside of school get her involved. There are the martial arts and sports. Perhaps join a gym and work out with her. Keep her too busy to mope.
Encourage more time with girl friends. My 11yo granddaughter still has "play dates." I'm taking her and a girl friend swimming this afternoon. She went to the Forestry Center yesterday with a different girl friend and her family. She is interested in boys but too busy to dwell on them.
A STRONG male role model: Get her one. Grandfather, dad, uncle....SOMEONE who can teach her how a GOOD man should behave.
Since you're a single mom, you have to work hard to help her to learn about healthy relationships some other way than just showing her. Girls learn how to treat men AND how men should treat them from their parents. If there is no one to model that, she's going to turn elsewhere. So take her to whomever and wherever she can see and learn from a healthy couple.
Best of luck to you.
welcome to preteenhood. i remember those days myself. get her a diary. thats what i had.
Well, as someone who was boy crazy (and still am somewhat), it can be very distracting. Does she have a good relationship with her own father or a father figure? I may be way out of line here, but I think a HUGE, HUGE part of my boy craziness was not having a positive father figure in my life and I therefore CRAVED the attention AND acceptance of boys. I know, not good. I could probably write a book on my thoughts and beliefs about this issue. After lots of counseling and retraining my brain (and heart), I finally got a handle on where my self worth came and comes from. I think it would have helped me a lot had my mom helped me with understanding my feelings back then.
Just my two cents,
R.
I second the advice to get her involved in activities to keep her busy, but this is not abnormal. She's hitting puberty and the hormones start and the opposite (usually) sex is suddenly the MOST fascinating thing on the planet! I did well in school, and I was a busy bee with extracurricular activities, but boy, oh BOY was I boy crazy at this age. I remember lying in bed dreaming of several different boys from my class -one one month, one the next who was my "boyfriend" as in -we talked on the phone and held hands at recess and wrote notes to each other. Don't plan on snapping her out of it -she's not going to snap out of it!
I hope you've covered all the bases with her before now regarding sex, self respect and being able to come to you with any questions or issues. Please make sure she understands that oral and anal sex are STILL sex and that she can get diseases from both. Sad and shocking to say, but it's rampant with this age group -particularly oral sex.
It's normal to some degree but I would really focus on how much of her life this is effecting and how important boy "approval" is to her.
I will second (or third;) the concept that girls need a strong male figure in their lives. Boys need it too but that's another story.
I have seen this play out in my daughters world to a T. The girls who do not have Dad's around or who don't have a strong relationship with a present Father have all gone "boy crazy".
My daughter actually had to end a relationship with a very close friend because she started acting out and became very promiscuous, she is 13. Other early teens we know post suggestive pictures online (REALLY suggestive), bounce from boy to boy, lie to their Mom's about boys and are always looking for that guy attention. Boys at that age are all too ready to give it, the rate your daughter got is very common among this age group with little girls asking boys to rate them. It's all a little sad to me, it's like some girls' worth is boiled down to how they look and whether or not guys like them around the middle school years. As they age the stakes get higher, the risks bigger and we all know how some of there lives will end up.
If I were you I'd make sure she has lots of things in her life (school, activities, sports) that have nothing to do with appearance or being attractive to the opposite sex. She needs to enjoy and feel valued in groups where that stuff isn't important. Our local softball league is a perfect example. There are male role models everywhere encouraging the girls, teaching them the sport, giving them so much attention that has nothing to do with looks and everything to do with hard work and character.
I'd try to find a positive male role model. Does she have any relationship with her Dad? Can that relationship be enhanced? Maybe a uncle or close family friend who you totally trust can spend some time with her.
Girls who feel truly valued for attributes other than their looks by boys or men tend to see those positive qualities in themselves more easily. Help her to see her value as a whole person whether or not a particular boy thinks she's worthy.
I agree 100% with Regina. Girls crave male attention. Lucky girls who have a relationship with their father get that attention. Unlucky girls who don't have a father figure in their life, look for that attention from other males. NOT a good thing. My daughter started having children when she was 16; I whole heartedly believe she was promiscuous because she never got that male attention that little girls so crave.
So, if she doesn't have a strong male figure in her life, she is bound to be "boy crazy." All the activities in the world will not change that.
If possible, try to find a male who would be willing to spend time with her and give her some healthy attention. If you can't, then keep a REALLY good eye on her and be ever vigilant about where she is, who she's with,. etc. so as to avoid being a grandmother at an extremely young age!
I had my first crush on a boy when I had just turned 12 and started 7th grade - it's NORMAL. And while I agree that having a healthy relationship with Dad can prevent a lot of inappropriate attention-seeking from males and other problem behavior, it's not a guarantee. I mean, I had a perfectly wonderful relationship with my dad, who remained married to my mom until they day he died and was a great role model, and I still got a crush on a boy and later wanted a boyfriend of my own (never got in any "trouble" though). I know plenty of other women who had great dads and were very close to them, but that didn't stop them from having sex at an early age, and sometimes even getting pregnant at 17 or 18.
That being said, I would make sure that if not her father, that she have a good relationship with another male role model/father figure in her life that she can look up to and depend on. I would also make sure though that you talk to her, and try to get her to understand that her self-esteem and self-worth cannot come from what any boy thinks of her, and cannot be dependent on their approval. If she is not involved in some activity that can give her a sense of accomplishment, I would look into it - martial arts, other sports, music, etc. Try to explain to her that self-esteem and self-love comes from within, and she needs to surround herself with true friends (both boys and girls) who will make her feel good about herself, for who she is inside, instead of worse.
ETA: I think it also helps if she has specific goals in mind, beyond high school - college, a certain career, etc. I know I did, and the fear of messing it all up (i.e. getting pregnant) was huge in keeping me from trying anything that could get me in trouble.
Oh my yes, I remember being that way, and for me it started in 4th grade! I had the BIGGEST crush on Mark Hamil (Luke Skywalker) and an even bigger crush on a boy named Chad. I still remember sweating bullets when I got to be partners with him square dancing in PE... <sigh>
I lived in clean and rural small town Iowa, no internet (obviously) and no "bad" influences up to that point. My favorite TV show was The Muppet Show!
I guess what I'm saying is that your daughter is perfectly normal. Girls and boys can and do start to notice each other in the preteen years, some more than others, and some not at all, it's nothing new. Get her a diary if she doesn't already have one. It's healthy for her to have a place to write out her feelings and dreams. And keep her as BUSY as possible, especially with other girls, sports, Girl Scouts, classes, whatever she enjoys doing. It will give her less time to think about the boys :)
Taekwondo!
Get her into something exhausting and physical.
There's nothing like working/sweating in a class that's 50/50 boys/girls to get your mind off a crush.
On a scale of 1 to 10, 6 means he sort of knows she's alive - barely.
The way to get anyone interested is to BE interesting and moping around and daydreaming never made anyone the life of the party.
She needs an interest/hobby/sport - something to become knowledgeable about and when she's throwing herself into it wholeheartedly - people who have those same interests will notice.
My son is not allowed to date till he's 16.
He's 13 now, totally not interested and cant stand the drama some of his friends go through because they are dating way too early.
I'm glad I have a tom boy (for now!!). Good luck!!!!
(1) You are a single Mom, and you have a daughter.
Try contacting your local "Big Brothers/Big Sisters" organization. They provide a "Mentor", for kids and role models. Which your daughter, seems to need, greatly.
My friend, who is a single parent did that. And it was a big help for her child, who was also a Tween.
Here are the links:
http://www.capbigs.org/
http://www.bbbssepa.org/site/c.8rJNK0MHJjLYH/b.6284175/k....
(2) Your daughter is very young, and she is a "Tween" (a Preteen). But, it seems you are getting caught up... in her misunderstood boy/girl dramas and the gossip.
But you are the parent... so you have to guide her. And teaching her what life is. And what is acceptable or not.
(3) And biologically as well, a Tween is changing.
I would highly recommend the "American Girl" book series. It is for girls this age and for the Mom to read too. It is age appropriate. It has many topics... on friends, boys, and how to take care of your body, and how their body is changing, etc. You can find it at any book store.
My daughter is only 9, but I got her some of these books already. She likes it.
(4) I would also recommend, that you do a Google Search on "Tween Girl Development", and read the many articles that will come up. So that you can arm yourself with information. Per her age phase.
Kids this age, do NOT EVEN KNOW, what a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" is.
The human brain, is not even fully developed until 26 years old.
Your daughter is only 12.
Keep communication open with your daughter. So that she will come to you and tell you things. You want to be in the loop. But you need to guide her. She is not mature yet, but their body and their hormones, are changing. So you need to be aware of that. And who her friends are.
I definitely, absolutely want to support the suggestion that she have plenty of activities that interest her and that have nothing to do with boys -- or involve boys and girls as equals and keep them so darned busy they don't have time for pining or drama. Her feelings are totally normal at this age (I think...my own 11-year-old is not interested in boys that way yet, though her friends are getting there). If she's not already involved in at least one extracurricular activity she really likes, make it a fun thing to find her one -- let her, not you, do the choosing, but do direct her toward active things that promote girls and women as strong and positive, things like (but certainly not limited to) Girl Scouts, martial arts classes, art or dance or drama classes if she is into those things, etc. It will help her mope less if she does not have time to be "moping around the house and daydreaming." She will still do those things but her mental space will get at least partially filled by fun new activities.
