Emotional Needs of a 3 Year Old Boy.

I think just continue to pay attention to him as much as you possibly can. Don't pressure him with the potty training right now...he will do it when he is ready. When you are home, leave special notes or maybe stories that you record on tapes or DVD's to read to him. Leave little gifts like stickers, books, etc. for your mom to give to him when he has good behavior. Get him some library books about hospitals/doctors/medical field for your mom to read to him and explain to him that you are gone to work with the sick people and bring them to the hospital but will be back home soon.Best of luck to you.

Wow, first off I really commend you for doing what you are doing... you are creating a future for you and your son. What a strong woman you must be!

thankfully, your Mom is a very familiar person in his life and can care for him. I take it that she is nurturing and a good caring Grandma...?

Next, well Is there any way possible, that he can perhaps visit you where you are?
Or, via computer... perhaps you can get a computer video camera thing (those 'eyeball' cameras)... and then that way, you two can "see" each other?

At this age it's hard...because they are still so young... but not yet old enough or mature enough to fully understand where their Mommy is, and why. Thus, what your son is experiencing seems like he is a little depressed.... since he is withdrawing etc. And I'm sure he is feeling insecure about it all too...

Whatever happens, he should not get scolded or punished for his feelings and emotions, nor forced to be perfect or be 'strong' for such a young age. Perhaps... encouraging him to fully express his feelings might be a good outlet for him... boys NEED to learn to express themselves. So they don't get pent up and frustrated. It is a real harm to boys, when they are told things like "be strong... don't cry..." for example.

Next, does your son have any cousins he can play with at home? Perhaps, having some close relatives come over for play dates can help as well. What does your Mom do with him when he is lonely, or when he is acting depressed? THAT can make all the difference as well. What activities do they do together or what is their routine?

Perhaps, give your son an incentive... each week. (since kids at this age don't have a sense of 'time')... for example, "after Mommy calls you tonight... can you make me a picture of your truck? I would LOVE to have a picture you drew you are such a good artist." Or, take photos of where you are and what you do... and give it to him so that he can 'relate' to where you are and what you are doing. It might make him feel a little more secure when you are away....and helps him to form a idea of where you are instead of him just wondering about it. For example: photos of you studying... of you at your paramedic truck, of you at your internship site, of you in the cafeteria etc. Just things you do in your day to day responsibilities. That may be a better "visual" for him, so that he knows his Mommy is okay and misses him too.

I know it must be so hard....and you are doing something so important... and he is so young. I really give you credit for that. I hope some of these ideas helps... but if your son gets too depressed...then you and your Mom must watch out for that. Young children do NOT have 'coping skills' nor the instinctive ability to know how to behave under duress.
Or perhaps, ask your Pediatrician for ideas..

All the best to you and take care,
Susan

Fellow single Mama, and I say good for you! You're building a solid future for your little family!!

Okay, so potty training I would backburner for bit while he's getting through this transition time of understanding why Mommy is gone so much.

One thing I do is I call my son on pretty much every break I get during the day, unless he's at preschool. Then, I call him when he gets home before nap. This might be harder for you with the travel, but it's worth a shot.

I really like Susan's idea about the special surprises from Mommy and the books explaining your job and what it is you're doing to school for. Also, can you maybe arrange a visit to a site that would explain/show him what you do? My friend is training to be a firefighter and she took her 4 year old to a fire station to explain her frequent absences...it helped him, and then they went out and bought a fire truck.

Keep doing what you're doing! You sound like a super dedicated Mama and you are doing the best you can. And, what would we do without Grandmas??

Oh, the other thing I do is plan an 'adventure' for me and my son to someplace new. Either a day trip or a weekend trip, and I get maps and stuff from the Auto Club and let him help me plan the day.

Good Luck and good work!

C. you are doing a great thing for your family. Dont be so hard on yourself. This is a short season in the grand sceme in your sons life. He probably wont even remember this season. Maybe a special stuffed animal that he gets while your gone, maybe theres one at build a bear that you could record a message on??? Dont worry to much eventually they all get potty trained and adjust to the new schedule. I remember how it was when i returned to school from being a stay at home mom, I felt horible. My kids are just amazing now and our greatful for all the changes ive made. Stay strong. K. mom of 3 birth and 3 step :)

Dear C.,
I too have a similar situation with my little boy who is a little older (four in June).
My father was diagnosed with lung cancer at the end of November, sadly he died last month. He lived in England so for the past three and a half months I have been making trips back and forth, the shortest for five days the longest eleven. On top of that my husband and I separated and both moved to new apartments. Suffice to say there have been a lot of changes and upheavals along with mummy being gone - a lot.
I have ENORMOUS guilt attached to all of this and watch my little boy seemingly having a very hard time.
He is "acting out" a lot, throwing things and kicking when he gets cross which is frequent, crying and whining about anything he can and wanting to sleep in my bed or me with him. I'll be honest, my patience wears thin sometimes and it can drive me to distraction BUT I am told that this is all normal behaviour for a little person trying to gain control and also express his sadness and anger.
In terms of advice, I am no child psychologist but I take great comfort from those that tell me although it's hard for us to watch our little ones struggling this is just a phase and in the grand scheme of things only for a short amount of time. Though to you and him right now it feels like a life-time.
The important thing is that you always do come back and when you do you are loving and giving him your full attention and providing him with a safe and secure environment.
It's great that your mum has been a constant throughout - he has something, a person, he can one hundred percent rely on and I think that is so important for him.
Lastly, and I'm sorry if this is really long-winded, and most importantly is that you being away is for a really good reason. You are doing something for you and him that will benefit both of you and I know that right now it feels like forever but soon this time will pass and you'll be back at home and back into your old routine and showing him all the love and affection and security he needs and I think you'll find he bounces back fairly quickley.
Hang in there.
With respect and in support,
O.

C.,
My heart breaks for you! I know how difficult that must be, and I truly don't know what to offer other than just continue to reassure your little boy of your love for him AND that this season is only temporary - that soon you'll be able to be home with him a lot more. I have 2 little boys - a 1 year old and almost-3 year old and I can only imagine your heartache to see him retreating because of your absence. I admire you for your strength and for your persistence to follow through with your goal of becoming a paramedic. I know you're doing it for him too but he wouldn't understand that right now - he's too little and all he wants is mommy to be home with him. You will be soon enough. God is a great source of strength for me personally - I've found that He always provides what we need and there's always a light and a hope no matter what our circumstances. May He give you supernatural strength as you carry on with your goal and do your best to comfort your little boy during this tough but important season. Make sure your times with him are REALLY SPECIAL - to carry him through and keep him looking forward to the next special time with you. I'm praying for you and your little boy.
Sincerely,
R.

The other moms have really great suggestions for you already and here is another one - a company I represent sells a product for this type of situation. It's called While I'm Away - essentially it's just a box for you to put things in that will remind him of you and your time together when you are apart. Take pictures of you reading to him or tucking him into bed and put those in it along with the pictures of what you are doing while you are gone (studying etc that others suggested). Then maybe your mom takes a specific time of day to pull out this box of goodies and maybe it has a note you left for him or another surprise. Your mom and your son could then talk about you - where you are, what you're doing and what you will do when you are home again. Maybe even get a small stuffed animal and tell him that it's meant to keep him company when he misses you. A combination of all the suggestions you've been given will make a world of difference for him - he really needs to be assured that you will be home again and that you miss and love him too. Oh, just had another idea - get a calendar and have him mark an x or put a sticker on it each day until you are finished. As the finish date approaches he can do a little countdown - maybe this would be better to start when there is only a week or two left though...9wks is FOREVER for him. :)

Good luck and hang in there - it sounds like you are just about done!!

I agree with the other mamas -- it sounds like you are already doing a great job. I know that we all wish that we could be with our "babies" all the time, but life always forces us to make trade-offs.

Thanks to all of the mamas who responded. I too am a single mom working full-time and it helps to know that there are others out there in the same situation. I often feel surrounded by two-parent families and stay-at-home moms. These are great family situations, but unfortunately, not mine, and your responses have made me feel less alone.

Thanks too for all the good ideas for ways to ease being apart. I think I will use some of them even though I'm not away overnight!

Your baby will be fine. He's to young to understand that you attending school to provide him and yourself a better life. Continue to press forward, give him all the love you can when you can and Do Not feel guilty. He's still young he wont remember you going to school in 10 years. He'll know his mommy has a great job and buys books and toys when he's a good boy at school.

Be Strong & Take Care,
Royaltea's Wisdom.

Dear C.,
Unfortunately, between 2 and 3 years of age is the time when stable is best for the little guys. My husband and I went on a mission trip when our oldest son was 2 and by 3years old he was very clingy and wouldn't play with toys and wanted me to hold him with his blanket, pacifier and a stuffed toy. We moved every 3 months to a different site because my husband was setting up a hospital maintenance program for many hospitals. We were told by a visiting psychiatrist from Rosemead Clinic after he observed him that we should treat our son as if he were younger and not put pressure on him and he would pull out of it. It took time, but he did and is doing well now.

Your situation actually should be quite stable compared to that because he knows your mom and bed, toys and home remains constant. I would suggest not putting pressure on him about the potty training (none of my three sons trained until 3 years). Then it sounds like you are giving him all the time possible. You may just have to hold and treat him like he was younger. Try reading books too...you cuddle them when you are doing that. After you finish I hope that your work will be a schedule that will all him to adjust. He will probably take a while to get back to "himself" after your training is over. Just give him time, love, and be patient. Try to get together with friends who have children his age and he may parallel play with the toys. Your mom could meet them at a park if they live near and take them. I really think staying with your mom is better than preschool for him right now since he is already having so much to adjust to. Adjusting to preschool is quite a job for some children.
I wish you God's blessings and the best for your little one and you studies.
H.

You made a poor career choice for a mother with a small child. You might reconsider your choice. I know you have invested a lot of time and effort into becoming financially independent but you can see the result it is having on your child. The only way to make him feel more secure is find a job where you are there everyday or you need someone to take care of him PERMANENTLY day to day, preferably a family member. There is no easy answer to your situation. I wish you the best but I think your feelings as a mother are telling you something. Maybe you should listen.

The other responses are right on - so I only add my Mother's sage words to me when I was worrying about going back to work (it was a great opportunity). . . and putting our 18 month old in daycare: "children want a happy, well adjusted Mommy. If you are happy and well adjusted, your child will be too."

She was right. You are doing wonderful and courageous things for your mutual future and wellbeing. And yes, the 9 weeks will fly by. Hang in there and hug your Mom every chance you get because she is, indeed, the constant for your son AND you right now.

I send you strength and humor to get you through this 'sprint to the finish'

Great responses & information. Right on, Olivia B. As far, as making a career choice - Right on mommy! A strong woman knowing her child is safe and having to be a single parent and make the sacrifices in order to provide better for her child - a right time; a right choice. Your child is surrounded by compassion and love. Good for you!

Give him lots of pictures of you and you and him. They have little picture books for children. They are plastic and hold pictures. I think Toys R Us or Babies R Us has them. He could carry them around with him. Put up pictures around the house ones that he can hold too. (safe) Can you us a computer to e-mail him where he can see you talking to him? Hope this helps. God bless you and your family.
Susie

I don't know if you have considered this but I feel he needs to go to preschool/daycare part-time. This way he gets the best of three worlds. He get's you, your mom, and interacts with other children his age he will probably love it. Just consider it.

R.

I may be hung for this response, but I think you need to put this off until your boy is a little older (maybe when he's in kindergarten). This is a precious age and you will only have this time with him for a short while before he's in school all-day and eventually, too busy with his friends to be with you. I admire your desire to provide better for your child, but he needs YOU.

Hi C.:
I concur with the other mothers here.SH : ) excellent response.The only thing I would add is, make sure you and your mom are on the same page.If you don't think your son needs the extra pressure right now,as far as (potty training) then she needs to know, to let up a little, otherwise your going for one result, and she another.I think what your pursuing is wonderful,and just keep making that little guy feel (special) every time you see him.I wish you and your toddler the best.J. M

Your son may need a security blanket/soft toy.To get my son settled for bed I used a teddy and told teddy to go to sleep and then told my son to tell teddy to go to sleep. As working mom's we make LOTS of sacrifices for our kids, you are so lucky to have your mum to look after him. Tide the storm out you still have many years ahead to enjoy with your son

Hi C.,
Good luck with everything. I have to work full time too and I feel guilty when I leave my son - even though he's 6 now and in school. Maybe you can make a little video of yourself that your mother can play for your son on the computer or on the TV. That way when he misses mommy, he can really see you there.

You can sing songs in the video or read a story. I think a lot of the military do this too to help keep the kids in touch.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

You could try making a book about it together. Explaining in pictures why mommy has to be away and how she still loves him and always comes back and how he doesn't like it and how it makes him feel (sad, angry, lonely etc...) and then when mommy doesn't have to be away as much how happy you both will be. This was suggested to me when my son's father had to go away for a while and my son reall responded well to it.

I can imagine how rough this must be on your little guy, if it's his primary focus. Does he have ample opportunity to spend time with his peers? I'm thinking daycare one day or two days a week, for a maybe half-day sessions, might give him a chance to see that lots of kids have mommies that go to work and that it can be fun to spend time with them.
Just trying to think outside the box and offer a creative solution. Maybe, at home with your mom all he has to think about is family and consequently, YOU.
Good luck! At the very least, before you know it this will all be behind you.

C.,

Wow -- it's so hard to be "good enough" as a mother, isn't it? It seesm like we can never gove enough, never do it exactly right. The guilt is incredible sometimes!

First, you are giving him a great gift: by transforming your life (partly for him) he will know, for his life, that anything is possible to achieve. Just continue to reassure, him, create a book for him, and love him abundantly.

I HAVE GREAT NEWS FOR YOU! His behavior is not a reflection of what you are doing!
You should this really seems to me to be a normal developmental shift. Every 6 months our children shift, and the shifts often come in 6-month cycles, with one being an "up" shift, and the next being a "down" shift.

3 to 3.5 year olds are in a phase that is characteristically inward, insecure, anxious, and also determined and self-willed. The insecurity can be seen in physical ways, with stuttering, stumbling, reverting to 2-feet a step climbing of stairs, etc. You will also see some tension outlets appear, like thumb sucking, nail biting, playing with genitals, and chewing on clothing.

You can read all about this is a good ages and stages book like "Your Three Year Old" by Lousie Bates Ames.

Hope this relieves some of that maternal guilt (don't you just hate it?!)

Lots of Love,
Linda
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

Hi C.,

Oh my gosh..what an emotionally challenging time.

I, too, have a 3 year old son. My husband works out of state...home Friday night, leaves Sunday afternoon..and has been doing this for a year and a half.

I realize it is different than your situation because I am home with him, but we have had to be creative with the daddy-son time and how to reassure him that daddy is coming back.

We recently purchased web cameras...they start around $30. If you have a home computer and take a laptop with you, it has really helped our son to be able to call daddy on the "computer phone".

Another thing we did is we got a magnetic dry erase board that has the days of the week on it and we count the days until daddy comes home. It's helping him learn the days of the week, plus he likes to be creative about how he marks off the days.

We also make going to the airport "fun" time. Our son loves elevators so we take extra time just to ride the elevator for 10 minutes or so when daddy is leaving or coming home. (I don't know if you are flying in and out of town...)

Anyway, these are a few of the things we are doing.

The difficulties we have experienced have been more around his bedtime routine, since his routine is interrupted twice a week.

Also, when I drop him off at preschool, he is more clingy after daddy has left, so I always make sure to tell him exactly what to expect. That seems to help a lot. I also remind him that I will always come back and sometimes out of the blue he will say "Mommy always comes back?" and of course I always answer "Yes, Mommy always comes back".

I hope this helps. Congrats on Paramedic school and I wish you all the best.

R.

I had to do the same thing. I was gone to work from 9-5 then went to school 6-10 to better my daughter and my future. It is tough but when you spend all your free time with them that is what they remember most. My daughter is 21 know and knows I have always loved her and wanted to be with her. Maybe give him a picture of you in a plastic frame to put by his bed and tell him when he misses you that to go to the picture and that you are always with him. To draw pictures for you when you are gone or have grandma help him write letters for you he talks grandma writes and you do the same leave leters for him for grandma to read to him. Video & tape record you reading stories singing songs to him or just talking to him what you guys are going to do when you get back or a full day of you guys playing and having fun so he can see that when you are gone. Time does fly and it will be over soon and that love you have for your child is the most important thing and that you want to spend time with him and the fun loving times you have together is what he will remember and know that you left him because you had to for a better life for you both not because you choose to. Best of luck to you and your son and give your mom a great big hug and THANK YOU because your son and you are blessed to have her.

C.,

KOODO"S TO YOU. I raised my five children on my own. Trust me it is not easy. After the oldest turned 21 that was when he wanted to get into their lives.

You are a very stron will lady and making a big sacrifice for your child. It may seem mentally and emotionally difficult leaving your little one. It's for your boy's future as well as yours.

Just continue the way you are going and make sure you make quality time for him every chance you get. He will overcome the stage. It's a phase kids go through at this age and they just want more attention. Maybe enroll him in a program to be with other kids that you feel is safe, only if you can afford sending him. Financially, this can be hard.

Sweetie, Do not give up and believe in your dreams and sacrifices have to be made, but in the long run it will pay off for a better future. God Bless You and your son and I pray for you to complete your dreams and strength.