My daughter is almost 5, and can be very sweet. She is also very competitive. Lately, I am a bit concerned that I shoud be doing more to "teach" her empathy. It comes out most with her brother - he is 3. He can cry because he lost a game of Candyland and she'll almost revel in it- "I won, I won". We are also going to visit her cousin and celebrate their birthdays 6 weeks apart - in the middle. She is convinced the party is for her since her cousin's has passed on the calendar. I know as a parent I need to teach her to be empathetic and considerate. She just seems to have more to learn than some kids (i.e my 3 year old). When someone is hurt, he wants to know if they are ok etc. She is not as empathetic. Just looking for ways to teach this other than modeling it everyday. Thank you!
Try reading the "Chicken Soup for the Kids Soul" book together. Each story is only about 3 pages and they will provide you the opportunity to discuss feelings.
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What you want your daughter to do is "put herself in someone else's shoes" and the thing is, that's not an easy thing for a 5 year old. It's still a skill she's learning. Kids have glimmers of empathy but they don't really "get it" until they're probably around 10 or 11. It has a lot to do with their brain development.
Just keep on showing examples of empathy. Your children will respond in kind and learn through your examples of what's right. They're still kids, though, and the world revolves around them because that's their survival mechanism. Children are inherently selfish. Empathy is a learned and practiced trait, even for adults.
You sound like you're talking about my daughter! At age 6 she was sweet and charming and thoughtful--but had zero empathy and thought the world revolved around her. She was the first grandkid and everyone made much of her all the time.
We did have to wait for life to give her its own lessons. We had to suffer through friend trouble from being too bossy and selfish. We had to suffer through teachers sending bad notes home because she was too busy goofing around and not wanting to do her work. TALKING did not do much to help her (for example, warning her that she was being very bossy to her friends) and she had to learn the hard way. But she did!
We also watched a lot of shows and did some volunteering. We watch Extreme Makover Home Edition so she can see there are people much less fortunate than her. At first she just focused on the fact that they were getting a nice house and why didn't WE get a nice house too? But eventually she started to see more than that. We also volunteered at an animal shelter and learned about cats and dogs plus how animals are sometimes abused.
We've learned about the environment and how she can help.
I think the best thing is to be patient and understanding of life's lessons (because they will come, and they are harsh) and be there for her when they do come. It's SO HARD to watch your kid fall--but that fall teaches them more than anything you could ever say. I am also constantly making her more aware of the effect she has on others. I do not hesitate to point out if her behavior is causing sad or angry feelings in another and I hold her responsible. Of course she is 10 now and I'd say she has quite a bit of empathy. She isn't as selfish as she used to be and she is more careful of other people's feelings. I've even heard her talking about how she could help the new girl in her class feel more welcome.
Good luck!
Have one on one conversations and open ended communication with her regarding good sportsmanship, sharing attention and such.
Some great ideas here:
http://life.familyeducation.com/sports/parenting/36484.html
I think continuing to model it everyday is the right course. It will come with maturity.
I agree with dawn. Everyone is different and its her personality. It isn't how you handle things or would feel about a situation but it doesn't make her wrong necessarily. I love my family and friends but im just nit a very sympathetic -empathetic person. I say pull up your big girl panties and get on with it :) im a sore loser for sure and if I don't know for sure I wont win, I don't play! Crappy I know but maybe just try to work with her and explain to her that we have to be patient and always consider others feelings. I hope you get the solution!
I agree with the other answers that some children are naturally more empathetic than others. It is this way in our family. I always try to point out when someone is sad or hurt and talk about what could be done to make them feel better and also talk about how that person must be feeling. I think it is good to praise a child when they are being kind and considerate and then talk about how good their kind behavior makes someone else feel and how good they feel after doing something nice. Helping a child recognize their feelings, happy, sad, angry, hurt etc.... is a good place to start.
