Encouraging a 4-Month-Old to Fall Asleep on His Own

I totally hear you. This is the worst part about motherhood! Did he eventually fall asleep with Ferber, or did you eventually give up and cuddle him to sleep as usual? If he eventually fell asleep, how long did it take? I'm just asking to see if I should encourage you in the direction of sticking with Ferber (which, at 4 mos, I'm not that inclined to do; we eventually started using Ferber for an early morning waker, but he was over a year old at that point, we were desperate, and by then at least we could explain certain things to him), or point you to Elizabeth Pantley. She's the author of The No-Cry Sleep Solution. I have to say, there are some wonderful suggestions and wonderful theories in her book, some of which help, but we did not ultimately have success with her techniques. However, that is in large part b/c her techniques require extraordinary discipline and patience, and they also require a fair bit of intuition about your son, which made my husband a little crazy. He likes rules, a list of very precise ways to handle a situation (ie. let the child cry for 5 min, go in, comfort for 30 seconds, let the child cry for 10 min, go in, comfort for 30 seconds, let the child cry for 15 min, etc. etc. etc....). Ferber made him happy b/c there were rules that applied no matter what was going on. Pantley isn't exactly like that. But the book might help you.
Good luck!

I have a four month old too! She is the youngest of three. and unfortunately I haven't heard of what you are looking for. First the bad news: He may have to cry it out two or three nights... good news: I lay my daughter in her bed (for naps and at night) and she might wimper, but I just turn on her music and she settles herslf to sleep. It feels like an eternity when you are waiting for them to fall asleep, but as far as I know (in the ten years of parenting/discussing this with other parents) it's the only way to help them learn to fall asleep. I'm not super familiar with the Ferber method, but On Becoming Babywise might give you some additional suggestions and reasons why this works. If he always smells mom or feels a warm body and then all of a sudden it's a cold mattress of course that's not nearly as comfy! :) You basically want to teach him the techniques of soothing himself so he won't rely on you soothing him to sleep. I still hold my daughter a lot during the day and of course while she is eating, but I'm glad I let her cry a little at bed time before because now it's easy for both of us. My kids have very different personalities, but all 3 learned to sleep through the night by 10 weeks. Even though there is a little pain up front, it won't last long. Of course, he's your son and you'll do what you feel is best for him. Even though it isn't what you're looking for I hope it helps. DG

A., I had the same issue with my last two babies. What worked for my son (now 3) was a calm nightly routine. I sat by his crib, which I had converted to a youth bed at 3, and held his hand or rubbed his back. I did this for a few nights and then I would sit by his bed. Eventually, he was comfortable enough that I could kiss him goodnight and leave the room. His crib was in my room, next to my bed, until he was 3. My daughter, now 7, was much more difficult because I always rocked her to sleep. When I did try to put her in her crib she would immediately vomit, on purpose. So either I or my husband would lay by her crib and hold her hand. But, hey, it worked! I guess it is good that you are teaching your baby at a younger age to fall asleep without you but there is a more gentle way of doing so than letting him cry it out. I believe if he starts associating bedtime with you letting him "cry it out" he's not going to be too happy to go to bed!!!:) Most important, trust your OWN instincts!!!!! He's only 4 months old and it's probably better to slowly wean him from your arms when falling to sleep. Best of luck to you! (p.s. I would raise an eyebrow if my pediatrician said holding my baby to go to sleep was a "problem"-babies naturally fall asleep when nursing.)

Hi, A.,

Congrats on your new baby boy. As another military mom in the area, I know what the pediatricians at the MTFs here say, and I have to say, in my experience, they're completely nuts. The best advice comes from other moms, especially other breastfeeding moms, and you're getting some great advice here. The best advice is always to trust your instincts--so you've already said the most important things: that you feel letting your baby cry it out at this point is not beneficial, and that you don't mind him waking up once a night to nurse. So who cares if your pediatrician has a problem with his sleeping patterns now--she's not at your house every night!

First of all, nursing a baby to sleep is the most natural, comfortable way to give him security and safety and reassure him that you will always be there for him. Falling asleep can be terrifying for an infant, and 4 months old is really young to try to "train" your baby to do anything. He isn't "manipulating" you at this point, he's crying because he's scared that Mommy is going away. (FYI, eventually when kids do wean, the bedtime feeding is usually the last one they give up). Sleeping through the night happens when the baby is ready, and he's obviously not ready yet--he's telling you with that one feeding in the night not only that he might be hungry, but also that he needs to "check in" with you to make sure Mommy is still there. I have twin boys who are almost 2 now, and they didn't sleep through the night until they were about 7 months old, and not consistently until they were almost a year. A consistent, calm bedtime routine is a great thing to start at this age--at the same time every night, a soothing bath with low lighting, followed by warm jammies and a nurse is a great way to get your son to learn what to expect at bedtime. You might also try some lavender essential oil, either in the bath or on the bedding, or both. The other thing we did was to put the kids to "bed" in their swings, because the motion put them to sleep almost immediately. They slept in their cradle swings until they outgrew them!

Also, I always tried to hold the babies close to me as I leaned down to put them down, and kept them on the breast until they actually were already in the bed. And I put a t-shirt of mine that I had worn for a couple of days into the bassinet so they could still smell me when they were in bed. (I also slept them on their tummies, to my pediatrician's unending horror. And they slept on soft, comfy pillows, wrapped in blankies, with friendly stuffed animals so they wouldn't be scared and lonely in an empty bare crib. I think a baby is far more likely to forget to breathe and die of SIDS if he's left alone, flat on his back, unable to turn himself over and without any companionship to "cry it out" than if he's in a soft, warm place with a lovey to cuddle with.)

The bottom line is, you're doing great. You already have all the right answers for you and your baby in your instincts! I also want to mention there's a parent & tot group for military wives in the area, if you don't already know. Feel free to email me at ____@____.com if you would like information about it--it's a great way to meet other moms from Bethesda and Walter Reed. And remember, the most important thing is to enjoy every moment. My kids are almost two now, they self-weaned at 19 months, and they now go to bed with a bottle and a story every night with no problems. It's a huge relief to have a consistent bedtime, but it's also a little sad to know that they'll never again nurse themselves to sleep, cozy in my arms.

if it were just me and my baby, I would drop the whole crib thing, and sleep together. co-sleeping is the way to go! I wanted to, but my husband was ready to wean after a month or so. but my friend did it until her kids were almost 3. Of course, you can probably transition sooner. but at 4-months, although they look much bigger than their birth-day, they are still only 4-months. In some countries, it is natural to just sleep with their babies at this age... I personally sleep nicely next to a warm body who sleeps like a baby :) it's SO MUCH easier & therapeutic than the fight & stress. in the big picture, it's really not a big deal.

A.:

Hello! Thanks to both you and your husband for serving our country (you may not be AD, but you support your husband!).

We had a similar problem with our second son - there was a "compromise" we made - I'd rock him until he was ALMOST out, then lay him in his crib (I know I'm a bad mommy but both of my boys were stomach sleepers - they were both NICU babies) and rub his back. I would keep my hand on his back until he was asleep. I did this for about a week (yes, it can be tiring) but at least he knows you are there. The second week, I nursed him, rocked him then put him in his crib (the rocking wasn't until he was almost out this time) and I rubbed his back, kept my hand on his back and then left. It takes a couple of weeks - I guess in essence now that I look back on it, we were teaching him to sleep on his own. Like you, I don't like my babies to cry and I don't feel you can spoil a baby. They need to know they are loved. They need to have that confidence that you are there.

I hope this works for you. See what works for your son. It will be okay and it will work out. Don't stress over it. He will pick up your stress and act out on it.

Take care!

We had to do a little of both - I always sang a lullabye in the rocking chair and my middle child was forever nursing so of course he would fall asleep nursing. And he was the hardest to get to sleep through the night as a result. I eventually pumped and let daddy give him a bottle about 1/2 hour before bed. While he would doze, he didn't get full asleep like when he was all cozy nursing. Then I sang and refused to nurse while rocking and put him down to bed. He cried. I went back to him every 15 minutes to pat him on the back and reassure him but refused to pick him up. This took a while but after about a week, it worked. We were really tired as a result but I felt better...but warning. He got sick about 3 months later and because I was worried about him, I went to him in the middle of the night and picked him up..bad idea. Back to the drawing board for another week and he was older so eventually, hubby and I had to grit our teeth through and hour and a half! He was too smart and strong to give up like at 3 months. Don't wait and don't go back!

A little about me:

Mom of 3 (girl 5, boy 10, boy 13) with my own business living in Silver Spring for 16 years.

First, I would change pediatricians. They sound a bit judgemental. We left our first pediatrician for that very reason. We found another that was more supportive, leaving the judgement and blame at the curb. We couldn't be happier.

Second, I would RUN to the library or bookstore and grab a copy of "On Becoming Babywise". It was our bible for both kids and made a HUGE difference for us.

It basically suggests that by adjusting the order of feeding, play, sleep you can teach your child how to go to sleep on their own. It's a God-send, if you ask me!

Hope this helps!

W/ both my girls when they were infants I really didn't have much trouble w/ them sleeping thru the whole night. I put a lil cereal in their milk when it was bedtime. and that would handle it all. Just a lil bit to test it out the first night and accordingly if u need to add more. It will put a lil weight on too....so be careful. Hope this helps.

Hi A.,
please remember that children are different, and that your pediatrician is not necessarily right. My two children were completely different, where as my daughter slept through the night from the start (by falling asleep while nursing). My son never slept through the night. I wasn't a fan of letting them cry it out either, so my advice would be for you to trust your instincts and do what works for your family. With my daughter, I would nurse her back to sleep when she woke up. That worked for her. I chose to cosleep with my son, because he woke so frequently and we were all exhausted. We had a guest bed in his bedroom, where I slept most nights his first year. For us it did not work having him sleep in our bed, because my husband and I would both be so tired and he had to get up and go to work (also in the military). Try to figure out what would work for you, and don't feel pressured by doctors or other moms that you or your baby somehow is doing something wrong. Eventually he will sleep longer, although it may take him longer than some babies. And in my experience, boys seems to wake more often than girls. Not a fact, just something I have noticed. Good luck! / J.

Hi A.! Unless you are really tired and need the sleep, I say wait. He is only 4 months. I nursed my son to sleep then I would put him in his crib. Later on (11months) I weaned him and he slept through the night just fine. Maybe give him a bath to help him go to sleep when you're ready for him to go. Try doing things that don't envolve alot of stimulation, that should help. Good Luck!

Hi A., have you tried swaddling him? That sometimes works for young infants. It gives them the feeling as if they are still in the womb. You can also try laying him on his side as opposed to his back he may not feel comfortable on his back.
I have to admit if you have tried the Ferber method and it didn't work, your little one has shown you what you are in store for....a bit of stubbornness. You can also try laying him down with some soft music playing in the background. Oftentimes babies who are breastfed are used to falling asleep while nursing which is what your son has grown accustomed to.
You also mentiion the fact that you don't like hearing him cry. As a child care provider crying is your babies way of communicating. If you don't allow him to cry you won't know if there's something wrong. Of course, some babies cry/whine more than others, but if you know that you have fed him, changed him, and gave him some attention and there isn't anything else wrong, let him cry. For he is letting you know he is upset with the fact that you are not doing what he wants you to do. And exercising a bit of manipulation at that point. I hope this helps.

I confess, I'm a "cry it out" mom. But my husband can't handle the sound of a crying baby, so we had to strike a compromise. Even if you let him cry just 5 minutes before you go to him (or after you leave him), you're teaching him valuable coping skills he can use in getting himself back to sleep. The key is for him to understand that instant gratification is not forthcoming, which means sticking with and gradually expanding the 5 minute period until he gets the point and puts himself to sleep for a respectable period. It will seem like an eternity when you do it, but five minutes is not going to harm your child and should make you feel less like an ax murderer than you do when you decide to let him cry himself to sleep outright.

If the Ferber method was "against your instincts," as you put it, then please, please don't use it. Your instincts have told you so far to rock and hold your son; go with those instincts. He is a mere four months old; his entire world right now is you; and "training" such a young infant to do anything (sleep on the adults' schedule, eat when the adults want) is asking an awful lot. Kids will eventually work out a sleep pattern, and eventually will alter it; if you get that perfect night's sleep for many months, your son as he gets older will indeed find another way to break the pattern -- nightmares in his 2s, calls for water at 3 and 4 years old, school worries at 6.... (We're in that latter phase now.) We all want more sleep, but four months old is practically newborn in the big scheme of things. Go with your instincts; he's only getting up once at night -- some four-month-olds are up many more times than that, so if you rock him back to sleep that one time, you're doing fine! At least you aren't doing it every two hours all night long. Enjoy holding him while he still wants it! Go with the instincts. Hope it goes well.

Hi A.,
I felt like 4 months was too young for letting my son cry it out. We tried it too at that age and decided to just cope with him being awake until we went to bed. When he was seven months we did Ferber him and it went much better. It took only two nights of crying but I did't feel as heart-broken and had the endurance to wait it out.
Good luck, I know how hard it is when you just need sleep.