Ending an Old Friendship

You don't really have a friendship anymore - you just have some habitual get-togethers. I don't think you have to do anything dramatic - just decline the invitation. You don't have to say you have something else planned, if she will take offense at you having scheduled something on a day you know to be his birthday. Just say that you are sorry your son will not be able to attend but you wish the child a happy birthday. I wouldn't even send a card - that just encourages a continuation of the contact. Just let this friendship drift away. If she says anything to you, you can say that the kids have grown in different directions and don't seem to enjoy each other the way they once did, that your son has quite naturally formed friendships with kids in his class, as has her son. THen stop issuing invitations from your end. Send a holiday card if you want but that's it.

Her little digs at you are based on her own insecurities about NOT working outside the home, and since she can't make herself feel better, she tries to make you feel like less of a person. Try to feel compassion for her but don't try to change her or convince her of your abilities or priorities. It will make things worse and end things on such a negative note.

This is not like breaking up with a boyfriend where you really have to say "I don't like you anymore" - your circumstances are such that you won't see each other unless you specifically arrange it. So just don't arrange it! You don't want a big confrontation anyway, so just let this slide away, cherish the memories of what you had for some years, and keep those in your mind.

I did this with friends of ours and it has worked out so much better. That way, when we did cross paths, it wasn't uncomfortable.

R.,

I had to distance myself from a childhood friend when I was in my late twenties. She and I had grown in such very different directions. Unfortunately, she wanted to maintain a relationship.
Fortunately, we lived an hour apart at that time. I simply became "unavailable" or "busy" when she asked me to visit. It took a while,but she eventually realized that I really was too busy..for her.

R.

I would have a hard time with that situation as well. I hate conflict and wouldn't know what to say to her. My method would be to politely decline invitations from her and just stop extending invitations to her. If she asks, then I would tell her that I felt that we'd grown apart and that I don't like being criticized about how I choose to parent my children. I'm not sure if that is the best option but that is how I would most likely handle the situation.

Hope this helps!

Hi R.! I feel for you! I had to end a friendship with a girl that I met in kindergarten! She still wants to be friends but I am tired of being picked apart by her for every part of my life.

I thought about telling my friend the truth but that would only give her more chances to hurt me and my family so I just let us drift apart. You don't owe her an explanation for having different interests, for why you work instead of raising goats, or why you didn't sew costumes.
Only you can decide what to do in your situation, but ask yourself if being honest with her will do YOU more harm or good.

I wish you luck. This is a hard thing to do.

I think you are right, not every friendship lasts a lifetime. People change and go in different directions and now that the relationship has turned negative, I believe it clarifies what you are struggling with. For now, I would say you and your family have other plans that day. Then I would take continue to avoid time with them until it becomes more clear how you should handle it, being honest with them or just fade away.

I hope that helps :-)

I advise letting this friendship die a natural death. You already said that you don't see each other very often, and your kids are not in school together anymore. There is very little connecting you now. Definitely send your regrets to the birthday party invitation, giving no excuse or reason (you don't need to). When she calls, chat politely for a few minutes but then say you have to go; and when she invites you to events or playdates, just say you can't, you're already committed elsewhere. More than likely she'll get the hint and stop calling. If she has the temerity to ask why you don't get together anymore, you can tell the truth: you are very busy, your kids aren't close anymore, you don't have as much in common anymore. If she really pushes, you could tell her that her digs at your choice to work have insutlted you. You sound like a kind person so that kind of open confrontation probably wouldn't be easy for you to do. I only offer it as an option because some personalities can't just let things go, and if this woman is one of them, she just might call you and try to get to the bottom of it. If you can do it without that tough talk, so much the better.

I would use this as a teachable moment with your children. TAking the harder route and telling the truth to a friend teaches your children many things. First, you do not have to like everyone but you do have to be truthful and respectful to everyone. Also, it teaches them that you do not lie just because it is uncomfortable to tell the truth. I am sure that your friend feels the same way as you and is inviting you out of obligation, why continue this uncomfortable trend and put yourself in your children in an awkward position of having to go when you don't want to or having to lie each time. WHy not have an adult conversation with your friend and tell her that while you value the time and the memories that you have shared that it seems that you have grown apart and now have less in common. SHe may surprise you and agree with you and move on. If she attacks you or hurts you than you will know for sure that you made the right move ending the relationship but you will have taught you kids a valuable lesson. If you act in a mature manner it will be hard for her to dispute what you say.
Just my thoughts on this.

I have had a couple relationships like this and am the same as you. I don't like the drama or long conversations. I found that just letting the relationship drift apart natually worked best. Chances are she feels the same as you. Simply replying to the invite that you can't make it should be enough. You don't need to explain yourself to her. Good luck!

HI R.,

I would tell her you have to work.

D.

I would spare her feelings and just say that you have other plans that day and each time you get invited, just politely bow out. She is probably just saying those things about staying home with your kids so she feels better about herself staying home - she might feel a little lower self-esteem that you have a paying job and she doesn't (we all know that staying home is a huge full time job but some moms feel inadequate about it - though they should not). So when she makes those comments, it's really about her, not you. Friends come and go in our lives and I think that's normal.

Hi,
I would just let the friendship cont. to drift apart. There is no reason to say anything and hurt anyone's feelings which might make them retaliate. As far as the parties and other invites say the kids have plans or prior obligations and your really sorry. Soon she will get the drift and stop the invites.
Good luck :(

I think there is a time for honesty and then there is a time for allowing the friendship to naturally end. Since you live far and don't see each other often, I'd go with natural end. It doesn't seem like a situation where you need to make it a teachable moment for your kids about being honest.

Just decline the invite with you can't come. If you can't come a couple times, it may become obvious that it's the end.

If she ends up being one of those people that forces a confrontation, then be honest that the both you guys and the 2 boys don't seem to share common interests anymore and let it go. It doesn't have to be a big dramatic confrontation I don't think. People move on all the time. Good luck!

I agree, I would just let the friendship fade out naturally. The nice thing about this is that should your paths ever cross again (never say never - my girlfriend just bumped into an old friend she had "dumped" years ago when she moved to California) it is always easy to say you just drifted apart. I have personal experience with someone "breaking up" with me as a friend. It was very hurtful and confusing and led to months of self doubt and hurt feelings (It was a neighbor and I was new in town which didn't help things). Now that same woman has decided perhaps she acted too harshly and perhaps we should be neighborly at the very least (it has been horribly awkward for 18 months and now are kids are in school together, we see each other at the bus stop, gym, sporting events etc). Anyway, it would be a lot better to be forgiving and open to a new "neighborly" relationship if she had not been so unkind to me. I would have much rather we "grew apart" than have it happen the way it did.

I would send apologies in a card saying your son doesn't feel like hanging out anymore and that the lack of common interest is the reason. that should do the trick.