Etiquette: What Would Amy Vanderbilt Do?

I think gifts are expected for a child's birthday party, but I've been the one not able to afford a gift. So what then? We make one, or we find something in the house that's in like-new condition and we regift. My neighbor was having a baby shower for a woman I didn't even know, invited me at the last minute, and there were about 200 women there, not exaggerating. So I went and found a nice teddy bear that was perfectly clean, plush, and dressed in a little suit (she was having a boy) and tied a ribbon around it. I also had my daughter (who was 4 at the time) hand it to the mother...a gift from a young child is always special.

I feel obligated to bring something...but if I honestly can't, I might decline the invitation.

Well, at least she was honest about it... it seems.

If that were me, I wouldn't care.
I would just feel embarrassed for her, for having to come forward and say something like that.

Maybe she is strapped because she just spent extra money for her child to have the party she wanted for her. That's fair. I mean, that is her child! I think it would be tough to come out and tell someone that you can't afford a gift for their child. Most people would just say, "Sorry we can't make it that day." If she just needed an excuse wouldn't she have chosen something less humbling? If it really is all about the celebration, let it go.

At least your friend was up front and told you she couldn't bring a gift. That was her giving you the opportunity to un-invite her. She may have scrimped and saved for the Disney World day. You never know. If you don't make a big deal about your friend not having a gift, your daughter shouldn't either.

***ETA: Every time you update your update, you take out and add more information, which is going to affect the kind of answers you get. Especially when you try to make yourself sound better than your original question and first update.

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I would rather not eat for a day than show up at a birthday party without a gift. Even if I didn't have a single penny in the world, I would come up with something. I wouldn't want to admit to someone that I couldn't afford it. I would do everything I could to avoid that embarrassment. Maybe things are different now, but when I was growing up, it was just the way it was. When you go to a birthday party, you bring a gift.

On the other hand, if I was throwing a birthday party and someone didn't bring a gift, I would probably just feel really bad for them. It is embarrassing for the child and the parents to not bring anything. I wouldn't want them to feel bad about it though. I know what it's like to be broke and not want your child to miss out on the fun.

Why would you not bring a gift, unless you were specifically asked not to? This question is kind of odd.

Is there more background you can give us to make your dilemma make a little more sense?

If you can't afford to bring a gift, or don't want to bring one, then don't go. Yes, people will wonder why you didn't bring one & kids will feel bad.

I would say unless the invitation says "no gifts", then I always bring one

We were in that situation once - Where we couldn't bring a gift. I was mortified when my daughter said she would just give her friend a card!!! I tried over and over to convince my daughter not to go. She was probable 9 or 10 maybe? Anyway, she went and I was utterly humiliated to show up with a card (not even a $5 bill).
It was a lesson to me...Her friend and her are STILL best friends. Her friend said the card was the best present b/c she knew it was from my daughter (who I think wrote a poem or something for her).
I learned it isn't about the gifts or how much is spent. It is totally and utterly about friendships and celebrating the day.
My children are older now...In fact, this daughter will turn 18 on Friday. She absolutely doesn't want a single gift from anyone (except Mom and Dad - LOL!). She just want to spend the day with her friends. Unknown to her: Her friend contacted me to contact her friends not from school and let them know her friends from school are meeting for breakfast on her birthday! I'm supposed to just ask her if she wants to have a B-Day breakfast and they will all be waiting for her...NO GIFTS...Just the gift of friendship!

I'm in the group with not understanding the purpose of your question.

Invited to a birthday party = Gift

It does not matter what you spend, there are huge deals at Target, etc.

Yes the birthday child will notice, yes YOUR child will notice.

If you don't want to go and/ or don't want to give a gift.... Respectfully decline the invite.

Sorry, that is totally messed up that your "friend" would do that. So what if she scrimped and saved for Disney. If she is too broke to come up with a 5 dollar present maybe she should have scrimped and saved for the rent, and food, and pretty much anything else. That was completely rude of her and she should be ashamed of herself insulting you like that. And what about making a present? She could have painted a picture or made something for your daughter. Or picked some flowers. I would have said come anyway too. I wonder what is going on with her.

A gift may be expected. If you can't afford much just give a bday card with some money or a gift card. The birthday child really won't know or care that someone did not give a gift unless the parent emphasizes it.

**edited after your SWH** So, your real issue then is the fact that your friend had her child's party at Disney World and is now claiming broke when it is time for your child's bday. Well, her money is to do things with/for her family. She has no obligation to save money for a gift for your child.
Maybe there is something underlying that made her not want to attend your child's party and she just said she couldn't afford a gift to avoid confrontation or to spare feelings.

we had a party for my daughter it was a slumber party where we had the girls over for dinner, all night, breakfast, & a tea party before they went home. my daughter was turning 7 & invited 5 girls. 2 of the girls (who only have a father not that this is an excuse but i dont think they think about things like this as much) did not bring a gift. my daughter noticed but was not rude about it (she did not say anything to the girls but asked me after they left why they did not bring a gift)

while I do think it was an oversight on the father's part, because i feel they didnt pay much attention & just felt they were sending their daughters to a slumber party even though they received an invitation...I still feel it is a little rude, although we have obviously taught our daughter that it is not about gifts, & she handled herself very well.

why would you not take a gift? because it is in her home? it is still a birthday party. & even if you cannot afford a lot I'm sure your child could make a card & you can find something to take for $5...

& why would you not teach your child that it is good manners to take a gift to someone for their birthday...I even take a small gift to a host or hostess for a party thats not a birthday...

We are in a situation where several of the neighborhood families including myself are cash strapped. This past year for my kids birthday's I had promptu celebrations in that while all the kids were over at my house one day I pulled out some cookies and drinks and said, guess what its C's birthday!

One kid ran home to get his gift. He had known that C's birthday was coming up and that was fine, but by me doing it that way, not making the big official party of it, the other parents didn't have to decide about what to get or not get and my kid learned that celebrating is about having friends not what your friends give you.

Yes she may have just gone to Disney, and yes Disney is way more expensive then you think with water being $4 a bottle and a stick of ice cream being $5. You don't know how long she saved for that trip. Maybe she used her tax refund ... you say that its not about the present, yet just by asking the question, you are saying that it IS about the present. ...

You should take a gift. You can get Barbies and Disney princess dolls for $5-$10 at Target or some markers and drawing pads or play doh. If your child doesn't want to go, then simply RSVP "no."

I think I am going to be the odd ball here. First, I have to say that I find it quite interesting that so many people say "it's not about the gift" but then think its rude for someone to come to a party without a gift. That sounds a little hypocritical. If the purpose of the party is so that your child can get a present then I could understand why you would be bothered by a guest not bringing a gift. So I guess the question becomes what is the purpose of the party? No one is required to have a birthday party that is a choice you make, and it doesn't automatically require me (especially if I am your friend) to bring you a gift. That is my choice based on my finances and feelings about the relationship. Unlike a bridal/baby shower, where the main purpose is to celebrate by "showering" the bride or new mother with things that will be needed for this next phase in their life, a birthday party celebrates another year of life. Did your child really need another toy, sweater, tee shirt etc? Was the celebration lessen because a child or children didn't bring a gift??? Was the main purpose of the party for your child toget that toy you didn't want to buy in Target or was it to celebrate your childs life with the people they identify as important to them?
Although a gift is nice, and if you can and feel so inclined you should buy one, I agree with many that a card is just as nice, since it offers a tangible expression of the joy of being able to celebrate another year older with a friend.
Second, for all the people that say some sort of gift is better than no gift, I have to disagree. A $5 trinket that I can't use, don't need or that seems like a "cheap" afterthought is more of an insult in my opinion than not bringing a gift. Now because I can be very sentimental I think a handmade card, poem, note, or gift that clearly is a reflection of the friendship is a beautiful gesture. But just buying a gift for the sake of being able to say you bought a gift is not necessarily any better than no gift at all.

Finally, I have to pose the question to you and the others that think it is rude to not bring a gift, and if you can't afford one then you should decline the invitation altogether. In a time when the economy is dictating that several families be more discerning about how they spend their money, would you rather have a child (or children) show up to a party without a gift but still celebrate with your child? Or would you prefer they decline the invitation because they can't bring a gift and have your child celebrate by themselves?
I personally am much more grateful to the people who love/care about me enough to take time out of their busy schedules to spend quality time with me celebrating my birthday more than I am worried about getting one more gift that I may not use (or will end up regifting as so many here have mentioned). And for the children in my life who have all of their needs met and 95% of their wants, that's the lesson I chose to teaching them.

If it's your friend, then you should not obligate her to a gift. If she says she does not have a gift, then you shouldn't feel insulted. You are looking at the fact that they went to Disney, but that's not your call, also, it may be because of the Disney trip why she doesn't have any more cash left.

I think your motive for the birthday party is wrong and if it is just for the celebration as you said, you should not let it bother you. Otherwise you were being hypocritical to invite her to join you when in your heart you were just inviting her for a gift....that I think is the rude part!

I don't think I understand the dilemna here....if it is a birthday party for a young child I would assume that you would bring a gift if you go to the party. If you decline the invitation then I can't see how it would make the young child feel badly...but it would surely make your child feel odd to go to the party WITHOUT a gift.
I may not be understanding your question completely...wish I could be more help

I guess I would like to know why "one" would consider going to a kid's b-day party without a gift? It does not have to be big and expensive. Yes, I think both children involved would feel uncomfortable. And yes, decline or let mom know if you are in a position such that you cannot bring a gift.

A birthday party should be about the fun of celebrating with friends. Gifts should be secondary at best. Some of my daughter's friends have started indicating on their invites that they would appreciate a donation to a specific charity, or a gift that can be donated to a local children's hospital. I think that's a great idea.

I have, in the last few years, felt really stretched to buy a present for every event that I've been invited to. I have thoughtfully regifted in some cases. I have a lot of books and I've been able to give books appropriate to the receiver and in "like new" condition on several occasions. They've been recieved well. If I had to decline these invitations, I would have missed out on spending important times with relatives and friends. That to me is not acceptable.

So, in this case, the lack of a gift may show a lack of creativity, but I would use this as a lesson to my child in what is important - friends, not presents. Judging a person's reasons or actions is not the lesson I would want to teach.

It's kind of a given to bring a gift for the birthday kid - you don't need to give a gift if you are not going and no, there isn't anything that says you HAVE to bring one if you do go, but yes, it's expected. Unless the parents specify "no gifts please", I always bring one - I would hate to be the one kid's parent that doesn't! The gift doesn't have to cost much at all - you can find plenty of nice things for $10 or less.

EDITED TO ADD: After reading your "SWH" - Yes, I would be irked too. I know, I know, as the hostess we are not supposed to "expect" gifts, and we should not be so materialistic and yes, it's her right to celebrate her own child's birthday however she wants, but I don't buy the whole can't-afford-a-gift bit after doing Disney World, even if she is local to the area. I was raised with the thought that it's poor taste to get invited to a kid's birthday party, or a wedding, or a baby shower, and not bring a gift. The host or hostess is putting out some expense in having the party so it's only good manners to bring a gift in return. She could have just said they couldn't make it that day because of something else they have going on, and leave it at that.

My daughters so far would have no clue who brought a gift or didn't bring a gift to their parties. It's hectic and all about the fun for them. So it's more of an issue between me and the mother I think. If I knew a family literally couldn't afford a gift, I wouldn't care and I'm pretty nitpicky. However, so often the people who can't afford something for others are out getting their hair dyed... What?? She actually told you they couldn't buy a gift yet had the nerve to show up from a salon appointment?? And then went out to a restaurant for dinner?? She's just full of it and I'd avoid her except if your daughter loves her daughter. Then it's something we do for our kids...

I think gifts should not be expected. It's a great opportunity to explain to your child that parties are not about how many presents he/she gets, it's having friends and family celebrate a happy occasion with them. I would also make sure that the child thanks each guest for attending, not just for a gift.

I think it is expected but i hate it. I would not think for one minute or feel badly about someone else who did not bring a gift for my kid. However if i knew they were spending on their family above and beyond on themselves and others.. yes, i would think that is not fair, especialy for a close friend. A kid in her class, not so much. I just want the kids to come to enjoy the time together. I dont like the "opening your presents" at parties either. It seems to me like that is the highlight of it and shows off what the birthday child "got". That is not what its about in my mind. As an adult, i dont remember gifts, i remember parties and family/ friends.

Going to disney for a florida resident, is not big deal and is not that expensive. I buy a bunch of tickets at once (for cheaper rate). So earlier this year, i might have bought them. When i book a trip, i go in off season at a value resort and bring most of the food to eat. Just because I go, doesnt mean im splurging and have lots of $. It really doesnt cost that much to go if you plan it like that.

Well I see you reside in Orlando, Fl. So her visiting Disney World I think is completely different then the majority of the nation visiting Disney since many people have to fly or drive hrs to get there. It might of been something she was saving up for her child. I am assuming she also resides in the same area. So she really had to pay to get in to the park.This is expensive getting in but if you live there still cheaper then flying.
Anyhow I have had b day parties were I requested the attendees to bring a food item for the local food pantry instead of a present. Some of the families still brought presents along with a food item.
Now if she can afford it but doesnt opt to purchase a gift that is her decsion to be cheap. Its sending the incorrect message to her child. However I would not exclude this child from attending the party. Hope I was helpful.

It is rude to not bring a gift to a birthday party. If you don't want to buy a gift, politely decline the invite.

Wow. I might feel similarly. Typically when invited to a party where refreshments are provided one should bring a gift fitting the occasion.
At least she felt a need to explain why she couldn't come, whether or
not it seems valid in your opinion. Maybe after celebrating her child's birthday in a way she saw fit she was strapped for cash. I can't imagine a trip to disney is cheap! =D

It was nice of you to ask her to participate regardless of having a gift- maybe she just felt it would be inappropriate given the situation.

For me, personally, I will always invest every penny I can into my own child's happiness, and I won't risk my finances for other peoples children. I have politely declined invitations when I have been poor. I think it's more tasteful to decline an invitation than go empty handed.

Best wishes-

Unless it is specified "no gifts" you should bring a gift. If there is some reason why you can't bring a gift you can always tell the hostess that. I'm not sure what is expected in your area, but for my daughter's kindergarten party the price range for gifts ranged from $10-$15. That is what we usually spend on gifts also.

A number of years ago, one of my son's good friends came to his b'day party and didn't bring a gift. At first, I thought it had been misplaced, but then I realized he hadn't brought one at all. My *first* instinct was "huh, THAT'S never happened before", but then when I thought about his circumstances, I wasn't surprised - it must have been an unaffordable expense. They never said anything and I was just happy that they let their son come to the party anyway, instead of making him miss it over lack of a gift. My son was thrilled that his entire gang of buddies came to his party and sent his friend a card thanking him for sharing his birthday with him (he actually couldn't care less about the gifts). To date, that's the best, most fun birthday party we had for my son. I'm sure that I'm the only one who even remembers his friend didn't bring a gift (and that's because it was kind of a wake-up call for me). At the time, my son was at an inner-city public school for their special education program and my daughters were at a private pre-school closer to our house where many very wealthy families (no, not us, we're comfortable, but by no means wealthy) sent their kids. The difference between my son's friends and my daughters' friends in terms of have/have not was striking and a real eye-opener.

That being said, if I couldn't afford to send a gift with my child to a party, I probably wouldn't accept the invitation in the first place. Unless, of course, it was a VERY close friend and they knew my situation. In THAT case, I'd probably apologize for the non-gift and hope that they want my child to come to the party anyway (especially if it's a party where the gifts aren't opened AT the party, which so far, has been the norm in our experience).

I don't know what Amy would do, but if I was really strapped and unable to buy a gift I would probably make up some excuse not to go; I think I'd be too embarassed to call and say "I can't go because I can't afford a gift for your child." There's nothing wrong with the fact that she did that and if I were in your shoes I would also have insisted that she come anyway (did she?) because the last thing my child needs is more toys anyhow. We don't open gifts during the party anyway so no one would know that someone didn't bring a gift.

I'm in agreement with you - I too feel the social obligation to go with a gift. I have, however, rsvp'd no to some birthday parties of classmates of my daughter because she's not even that good friends with the person and I would rather not have to buy another gift for someone I don't know. Just sayin'....