Ex Sister in Law

Why does your husbands brother even know that you guys are going to this wedding? It should be a non issue for him.
You and your husband are Aunt and Uncle to his children.... so basically you are going to a "family" members event, even tho it's their mother that is remarrying the kids are still blood relatives and need the support of their dads side of the family since he obviously will not be at that event.
Sounds to me like your BIL is immature.
Don't let other people pick your friends.

Why do you need to discuss this friendship with your brother in law? You don't ask his permission to have other friends do you? If you wish to attend the wedding then do so but there is no reason to call and tell him about it.

Your husband's brother will have to grow up.....there are children and people who actually want a family relationship. Your husband can let his brother know he loves him, but that does not mean he gets to control or choose who he and his family associates with.

Blessings.......

Screw the BIL and go to the wedding! He needs to grow up.

OMG....I envied you when I saw the post. How I WISH I had an ex SIL. LOL But after reading the post, I wouldn't pick your shoes!

BE adults and explain the awkwardness to your ex-SIL. I would still go to the wedding...or at least you for certain. If your BIL freaks out, then he does. People manipulate other people with emotions. This is someone you have a good relationship with, not to mention she keeps the family intact. Without her, you'd never see the kids. Go for it. Your BIL needs to grow up and move on.

If you are invited to the wedding and wish to attend, then do so. You are adults and free to be friends with whomever you choose. You don't need your brother-in-law's permission to attend the wedding of your friend (who also is the mother of your niece and nephew and who is also your childrens' cousins' mother). You and your kids shouldn't have to choose sides here. If she was gracious enough to invite you, then you certainly may attend if you wish.

You are friends. Doesn't matter if she is an ex sister in law. You are friends with her and her husband. Because of her, you and your husband get to see the kids. I would value that friendship. I don't think that just because you go to the wedding means you are taking sides against your husband's brother. I'm going to bet that her kids will be at the wedding. Will your kids be invited as well? If you do it for anyone, do it for the kids and the relationship that you have with them.

I can understand the whole not wanting to upset the brother thing, but if you are truly close with the xSIL, then you should support her how you feel like. DH can think of it this way - he is also supporting her children and his friend. It stinks that his brother is not close to him, etc. but if you get along with her and her fiance, then your BIL has just got to understand that it's not all about him. If BIL is close with his xILs, then he can understand your support, even if he doesn't like it. You might also give DH the option not to attend, but you attend if you want to.

She isn't your SIL anymore, she's now your friend - a relationship independent of any family relations. Your BIL cannot dictate who your friends are. And there is nothing wrong with going to a friend's wedding.

in no way is attending the wedding....part of disrespecting your BIL.

not attending the wedding...to me....means that you are allowing his emotions to rule your life. He is not in charge of your choices.

attending the wedding is furthering your relationship with your ex SIL & the children. A win-win situation.

Go to the wedding!

If you want to go, go. If your hubby wants to stay home, go solo. Either way, its a chance to share a moment in the lives of your niece/nephew and your friend.

So let me get this straight: You and your hubby don't have much of a relationship with your BIL...

But he still wants to snub and hurt the people you DO have a relationship with?

Clearly BIL has no loyalty for your hubby. I say you should go to the wedding. No need to tell BIL anything about it, since you don't have a relationship with him.

Maybe I'm too passive, but I would probably send a nice gift and wish her well, and if I was close enough to her, I'd explain how mixed the family feelings were in this situation and not attend. Before hand I'd take her out for our own little bachelorette night out or special lunch to acknowledge how happy you are for her new path. There are too many hearts involved that inevitably, someone's feelings will be hurt, but it's your husband you have to live with.

You know if your brother has issues in his family and trying to keep the peace why don't you go by yourself. I'm sure the bride would understand. That way you show support for the ex without alienating the family further.

A divorce ends the relationship with the exception of dealing with co-parenting. I suggest the bil is being unreasonable but yet your husband feels he has to be loyal to him. I see it as emotional blackmail.

You and your husband have a relationship with her and her fiance. That should be separate from your relationship with husband's brother. The brother severed the relationship and now needs to accept that not everyone else did.

I suggest that if your husband doesn't go to the wedding in deference to his brother he is harming his relationship with her and her family and you. The brother is forcing him to choose and in my book that always means I don't choose you. I am independent and make my own decisions based on my values and not yours. If this is a deal breaker for you that's your problem.

I suggest that the brother may be upset and put on pressure but he'll cool off and it'll be over. However, if he doesn't go to the wedding I suggest he is putting a big hurdle in that relationship.

By not going your husband is giving in to his brother's bullying. By going to the wedding he is supporting his friends which has nothing to say about his relationship with his brother. His brother is divorced. The relationship is over. Not going does not support the brother because the brother has nothing to support. (I'm having trouble putting this into words).

Going to the wedding supports this new relationship. It's a positive act. Not going is a negative act and only supports the brother's unreasonableness.

It can be looked at as a boundary thing too. His brother is trying to control his friendships when your husband has every right to have whatever friends he wants.

thats your niece and nephews mom, your friends, your kids aunt and soon to be uncle, I woud go and grow that relationship so your kids can all be close since your bil doesnt do that.

Worst case I would speak to her and be completely open. I'm sure she knows her ex and would understand not wanting to burn bridges in family. Afterall she is your friend. If you don't go I would take them out to dinner or celebrate at home with them, to show you care and love them

Do what you feel is right in your heart!!!

Sounds like the brother-in-law has his own issues; they're not yours! I would keep the relationship with the ex-SIL going - especially since the kids are your husband's nieces/nephews. I'm glad you were able to work things out.

If your husband doesn't want to attend the wedding, that's up to him. But I would still go.

Go! If your brother in law wants to pout, he can pout at home, alone. Why would he even find out that you went? Anyway, if you want to go you should go.

M.,

For the sake of peace in the family, I think it would be best if you sat down with your former SIL and explained the situation. The fact that BIL is being unreasonable probably won't be a surprise to her. As much as you may want to go to the wedding to support your friend, BIL is still your husband's brother and that has to be respected. I bet if you tell her that you and hubby really want to be at the wedding, but that hubby isn't comfortable going because of his brother, I'm sure she'll understand. Maybe you could arrange an outing for you, her, and a couple of other girlfriends to do something special before the wedding? Then make sure to set up dinner with her and her new hubby for after the wedding so you can offer your congrats in person.

I agree with those who say to go to the wedding. Why would you let someone who you are not close to dictate your current relationships?

Although I can see from you BIL's prespective too - maybe he feels you and hubbie choose his ex over him and that can be hurtful. Can you hubbie make an effort to reconnect with his brother? Invite him for a beer or golfing or whatever they like? If BIL declines or isn't into building a relationship with his brother, then what can you do? Live your life with those you like, not those you don't like - or who don't like you.

Most likely your niece/nephew(s) are going to be apart of the wedding. Even though this new man in their lives is wonderful, they are going to have to make a lot of changes. Your BIL needs to be thinking about his children. Sounds like he is using you and your husband to stick to his ex.

Go, enjoy and take lots of pictures!

J.

Thank you soo much everyone! All the responses I have received have been very helpful and have extremely good points! We are still undecided and looking at the situation from every angle possible. We don't want to hurt anyones feelings here. We have spoken with my SIL and she is sooo understanding but at the same time it makes me feel bad that we had totalk to her in the first place. I mean why should we have had to? As for the BIL, trying to build a relationship does not seem to work. We have tried invitations for dinner etc...and everytime ends up with him cancelling at the last minute. Its very frustrating for my hubby:( its been like this for years. Even before the divorce:( I feel bad for my hubby because he is so torn because there is not much family left on his side and he is trying to keep what he has.

I wouldn't go to the wedding, because it's your husband's brother. I think it's your husband's call. It's HIS family not yours.

Wow what a change. I thought this was going to be a bashing of ILs.

You have the consensus of most of the mommas on the site to go to the wedding. I also agree. The former BIL needs to let go and grow up and move on.

Enjoy yourself and get a picture of you and the bride for your scrapbook. A new family is coming together and a celebration. Enjoy.

If hubby bulks have him sit home with brother. I don't think hubby will because he is not close to him. If he goes tell him to be on his best behavior and enjoy himself.

Let us know how the wedding went.

The other S.

If you really are close to her now, I think you can be honest with her about the wedding. Tell her you'd like to continue the relationship with her and her new husband, and that they are an important part of your lives. But also tell her how much it would hurt your husband's brother if you attended.

Make it up to her by purchasing a nice wedding gift and taking the newlyweds out to dinner. Do something special for them to acknowledge their marriage, but don't upset the brother by going to the wedding.